Yes, kid. With a razor blade.
It’s that bitter time of the year where stinky little goblins dressed up as kids dressed up as hoodlums start invading neighborhoods and asking for free candy. Holding their little pillowcases out, saying Trick or Treat. They are trying to get something from my good candy stash, but I know better than that. I always offer them my fresh apples with razor blades or the free toothbrushes I got from my dentist. I didn’t win worst trick or treat hander out guy for 10 years in a row by not being creative with my tricks. Luckily, they are super not thankful, so I don’t feel bad at all when they give me their painted on grumpy face.
There are other festivities around this time of year like corn mazes and stupid parties, but the best part are the haunted houses. Problem being that haunted houses use old standby trick like making them really dark, or scaring you with silence, then surprising you. I think it is time for haunted houses to undertake a much needed bitter upgrade. Here are my ideas:
Get it away from me!
Haunted House number one: A house full of hair. Prepare to be scared out of your mind. Or even worse, your hair. Hair is the most terrifying thing ever. Keep that stuff out of my cereal, out of my brush, out of the sink. In fact, my head is so terrified and frightened of hair that it is actively pushing it from off the top of my head. And the hair that I do have, stands on end whenever it sees other hairs. Utterly terrifying.
Haunted House number two: Talking to people. A haunted house where they turn ON the lights, and trap you in a room with people that like to talk. And they ask you questions, and want you to answer. Surround you with small talk. Ask you about your day. Wonder what you are for Halloween, even though it is painfully obvious. LET ME OUT OF HERE!
No more talking!
Haunted House number three: This house of absolute horrors, a room full of blackboards with math equations like in Good Will Hunting. There is no escape until you solve them all. Just so you know, I’m still in the addition room. Please send help, with answers. I know 5+6, but don’t have enough fingers to figure out 6+5! Heelp!
More like Bad Will Hunting.
Haunted house number four: This nightmare has happened in real life, but not for long. It’s not the dark that I’m afraid of, it’s the lack of entertainment. No internet, no TV, and even worse…your battery on your phone is below….20%. Please. Anything but that. Please…send a charger…and an electrical plug…
Haunted House number five: Perhaps scarier than all the rest. A haunted house that has created the illusion that the world no longer has the ability to create cheese. The cows have gone off the plantation, there is no beef, or milk. I can live without those things for a little while, but the other day, I was trying to calculate the amount of cheese that has entered my body and I think the number was infinity pounds? I honestly don’t know what a day would be like without the creamy, zesty, flaborful, uh I mean flavorful taste of cheese. Please don’t make me go inside that haunted house.
Enough of the scares. I’m going to need to go to get a bagel with cheese before I have real nightmares about cheese disappearing from my life.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Nightmares Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I was in a good mood till you made me think about a house without cheese. I just ate a cheese sandwich, so that obviously means if there was no cheese, I would have no identity. Spooky!
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I was talking to my wife the other day, and we were wondering how much cheese has been crammed into my piehole in my life. Probably more than has even been eaten by the lifetime total of Hawaii.
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Haunted House number two is the one that does me in. All. That. Talk. And without Nathan Fillion there for real, there’d be no discernible reason for me to go into one. 🙂
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Absolutely right. Without some sort of social buffer, this really would be a nightmare, I could hardly recover from.
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The whole State of Wisconsin would likely move to ban Haunted House #5 were someone to try that here.
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I’m pretty sure Wisconsin would cecede from the US if cheese were banned here.
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This is very true.
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That is why I never mess with Wisconsin, because I never want a cheese strike.
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We have everyone else in the U.S. under our cheese thumb.
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Which is why the Presidential candidates should always be trying to appeal to the wonderful people of Wisconsin.
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Oh, based on the number of political ads we had from both of them, I think they were definitely trying to appeal to us. I wish they would have done it some other way – perhaps by giving us more beer to go with the cheese?
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I think that would have been a way better idea. I guess you guys are one of those swing states. I’ve never lived in one of those so they never advertise for me. Thank goodness for somethings.
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I am pretty sure the only commercials on during the week before the election were political ads.
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Luckily they don’t show political ads on Netflix, at least the shows I was watching. Either I really good at avoiding them or just lucky.
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I have the misfortune to watch sports regularly. As if it wasn’t bad enough to just watch my teams lose, I don’t even get a break during the commercials.
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My teams have had good starts this year, then started getting into tank mode.
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Yet something else to be bitter about.
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Yep, always something. The endless supply of bitterness is what keeps this blog in business.
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Four more “haunted houses” and you could have all 9 circles of Hell. Yikes! The small talker one would be the worst for me. Forget about cheese, what about one without COFFEE? Now that scares me. 🙂
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Or how ever many circles there are. When you are bitter, the amount of circles is almost endless.
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HH #2, tho. Oh my. Nightmare!
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I know talking with people is the worst. Especially when you are trapped in it.
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The hair from my beagle blows across the kitchen floor like tumbleweeds in Tombstone. Who ever thought a dog that small could generate so much loose hair blowing about. My scary room would have me entering and asking my wife, “How was your day?” Or the equally terrifying, “Whatcha thinking?”
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Oh my gosh I run in terror when someone asks me how I’m doing.
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All completely terrifying…how about a house that does not accept pizza delivery guys…or a house without couches…
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The house that doesn’t accept pizza delivery would work really well at the house that had no cheese..Bergens.
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Wait a second…you’re not inferring that we don’t accept pizza delivery…are you??
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I think you care more about the cheeseburgers than you do pizza. Kind of sacrelig if you ask me.
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Oh my goodness…you really shouldn’t use the word sacrilege if you’re going to spell it so badly. Anyway, it’s really all about the chocolate but somehow that doesn’t work as well with my last name.
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Why would I treat sacrilege any differently than any other word I misspell? Chocolate Burgers? Why not?
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Mmmmm…
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How about a haunted house where you sit in a drab gray cubicle listening to the sounds of your foreign-born neighbor slurping his food, chewing cashews, and accepting an average of 2 dozen phone calls per hour (without silencing his ring-tone, mind you) alternating between loud English and his mother-tongue coming from one side, while the endless drone of the world’s most NegativeKnow-It-All Nellie that ever lived entertains you over the back wall, all the while trying to read dense, technical reports and trying not to pretend that at least 2 people within earshot are CUTTING THEIR F’ING FINGERNAILS AT WORK? Oh wait….
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Yes, the cubicle haunted house is one of the scariest ever. Especially when you are trying to get your work done and they are dressed up in some freaky Halloween costume (themselves).
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Pretty sure that the Worst Ever Halloween candy is Whoppers. Which I’m handing out to trick-or-treats because we already ate all the M&Ms, Snickers, and Milky Way bars. Hopefully the kids don’t figure out that Whoppers make great ammo for throwing at houses of people who give out bad candy.
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You are correct about that. Whoppers are the worst candy period. I automatically condemn people to my bitter list whenever they give out Whoppers.
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We used to hide in our house with the lights off because we feared trick or treaters would come to our door. Now we keep the lights on and even purchase candy, and they still don’t come. I think it’s because the homes in our neighborhood are on 1-acre lots and kids can get a lot more candy in shorter time in other neighborhoods. As for a haunted house, anything with spiders and snakes would positively freak me out — and, actually, hair, for I have often mistaken my own straggling pieces of hair for something creepy crawling on me… great ideas for haunted houses!
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Yep, sounds like we need to create a haunted house for you that has snakes and spiders and neighbors that come trick or treating. We also had a street that no one came to, either so we just went to our friends house that lived in a neighborhood that actually participated and we stayed at their house and let them take care of the handing out of candy.
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Brilliant on all counts!
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Yep leaving to make other people do the work is what I’m all about.
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Ben – the last time I participated in Halloween was 2 years ago. The children that came to our door complained that they didn’t get enough candy and demanded more. I responded to their pleas by slamming the door in their greedy little faces. I wish I could send addition help but my phone is at low charge, I can’t find a charger and that is the only calculator I possess. I am typing this response from my old HP from 2008 and I fear the whirring sound means it will explode. As for small talk, that is truly the house of horrors. Oh, yeah..and hairphobia…..
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Sounds like your phone is like mine in a power outage. Always at 20% and low data for the month.
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Phones make me very bitter. Along with having to pay for them.
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Along with the stupid app that allows you to make phone calls.
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Very bitter about it! My phone is for texting & selfies.
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Actually for games and selfies.
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I also use it for games. If I am losing at those games, that also makes me bitter about my phone.
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Good thing I never lose at games. Except when I do.
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I rig them so I don’t have to be bitter. I like to cause bitterness in others.
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So do I. I wish I knew more about computers so I could be better at rigging things.
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A house with my mother in it would be the worst sort of haunted house ever. She talks nonstop and expects me to listen and give feedback beyond the usual “uh-huh” and “mm-hmm”. Drives me insane.
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I bet she probably has hair too, which would make it even worse combing those two terrors.
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She dies it bright orange. It’s very scary finding a bright orange hair in your mashed potatoes.
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That is it! I’m going to your mom’s house when I want to go to a haunted house!
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One more: A room in which election “news” plays non-stop.
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That would pretty much scare the whole country. Or is currently.
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little monsters, this candy is mine!
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You bitter believe it. Back off my Snickers.
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I have made up small bags of dried fruit…do you think they will like them?
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Who really cares if they like them or not. They aren’t worthy of candy.
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besides, dried food is good for them
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Of course and kids always eat what is best for them!
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They love dried fruit.
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And annoying adults that give them dried fruit.
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