Bitter Viral Post

/ bensbitterblog
This is how things go viral!

This is how things go viral!

I’m not sure why so many people are going to share this post, because the content is just terrible. It’s not funny or inspirational or worth anyone’s time, but for some reason you want to share it with your friends. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am hypnotizing you, because I kind of flunked my hypnotizing class, or using subliminal advertising to make you do something against your own will. It isn’t some teacher trying to do a social experiment or a really good cause. It is simply because you want to, need to, have to share something that will make no sense.

They say you can’t plan on something becoming viral. So let’s be the first. Let’s just decide that this post is going to foul up your Facebook feed, tangle up your Twitter feed, ruin your morning news, and have everyone at your office talking about this because they simply must…avoid doing work, so they might as well do something else, anything else but do what they are paid to do. It will give the Kardashian’s something to do in between getting robbed and the Pitt’s some distraction from consciously uncoupling.

Drake is sad that he missed his concerts too.

Drake is sad that he missed his concerts too.

It will give you something else to talk besides debates and creepy clowns terrorizing schools. It will make you more bitter than Drake cancelling his concert tour because he hurt his ankle, or your fantasy football league being plagued by Adrian Peterson’s ankle. It will help you feel a little more depressed than Suicide Squad and Batman vs. Superman being subpar.

Watch out for creepy clowns out there stalking.

Watch out for creepy clowns out there stalking people.

When you are feeling down about who you are going to vote for, remember that you can be even more depressed that this sad, pathetic, poorly written piece of blog that got published not only in your WordPress feed, by cluttering up the rest of your life. All you wanted to do was get home and not think about all the depressing things in the news and all of a sudden you have to read about this post that you never wanted to see again. And how in a few days, no one will remember what this whole thing was about.

Besides, why do things go viral these days anyways? Because they are infectious. Like a weed, they keep growing. Like a disease they keep spreading. And what is better at spreading than bitterness? If you don’t believe me, watch the news. Tell me that they write incredible stories of bravery. Or all about the bitter weather, the bitter traffic, the bitter beatings, and the bitter feuds between political candidates.

Do your part and make this thing spread. Be the bitter in the world.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Viral Ben

35 thoughts on “Bitter Viral Post”

  2. I am currently sitting in a hotel bar waiting for my lunch after the final Florida Writers Conference workshop and laughing my ASS off at your blog. You and Ahdad are probably the funniest bloggers in the history of the world. Thanks for the laughs. And, stop making me look like a crazy person laughing in a corner by myself.

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  4. Pingback: This Week’s Friday Feeds | Candace Vianna Writes

  6. You want to have a blog post go viral? I cannot imagine anything worse than dealing with the wackos who come out to play when a blog post goes viral. I much prefer being a bitter unnoticed blogger, quietly spreading my mirth, bitterly.

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  7. Ben – I am bitter that every time I turn around I have to feel sorry for Kim and her terrible ordeal in Paris. Also I am bitter about the conscious uncoupling of not only Brangelina but Chris and Gwyneth as well. Yes, it has been 2 years but I am still bitter! ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!! PT 2

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  10. I thought when people were griping about creepy clowns they were talking about the election?
    And I thought Batman vs. Superman and Suicide were ok. I learned years ago to expect nothing from movies, so I’m rarely disappointed.

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