I’m not sure why so many people are going to share this post, because the content is just terrible. It’s not funny or inspirational or worth anyone’s time, but for some reason you want to share it with your friends. It has nothing to do with the fact that I am hypnotizing you, because I kind of flunked my hypnotizing class, or using subliminal advertising to make you do something against your own will. It isn’t some teacher trying to do a social experiment or a really good cause. It is simply because you want to, need to, have to share something that will make no sense.
They say you can’t plan on something becoming viral. So let’s be the first. Let’s just decide that this post is going to foul up your Facebook feed, tangle up your Twitter feed, ruin your morning news, and have everyone at your office talking about this because they simply must…avoid doing work, so they might as well do something else, anything else but do what they are paid to do. It will give the Kardashian’s something to do in between getting robbed and the Pitt’s some distraction from consciously uncoupling.
It will give you something else to talk besides debates and creepy clowns terrorizing schools. It will make you more bitter than Drake cancelling his concert tour because he hurt his ankle, or your fantasy football league being plagued by Adrian Peterson’s ankle. It will help you feel a little more depressed than Suicide Squad and Batman vs. Superman being subpar.
When you are feeling down about who you are going to vote for, remember that you can be even more depressed that this sad, pathetic, poorly written piece of blog that got published not only in your WordPress feed, by cluttering up the rest of your life. All you wanted to do was get home and not think about all the depressing things in the news and all of a sudden you have to read about this post that you never wanted to see again. And how in a few days, no one will remember what this whole thing was about.
Besides, why do things go viral these days anyways? Because they are infectious. Like a weed, they keep growing. Like a disease they keep spreading. And what is better at spreading than bitterness? If you don’t believe me, watch the news. Tell me that they write incredible stories of bravery. Or all about the bitter weather, the bitter traffic, the bitter beatings, and the bitter feuds between political candidates.
Do your part and make this thing spread. Be the bitter in the world.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Viral Ben
Nice work. I love the reversal: get even more depressed….the anti-viral viral blog…. good writing!
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And look how it has done, the viral post that has done peanuts!
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I am currently sitting in a hotel bar waiting for my lunch after the final Florida Writers Conference workshop and laughing my ASS off at your blog. You and Ahdad are probably the funniest bloggers in the history of the world. Thanks for the laughs. And, stop making me look like a crazy person laughing in a corner by myself.
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That is some high praise coming from you. Sitting in a Conference in Florida? How come I’m not there? Oh yeah, because I’m crazy sitting here in school trying to figure out how to not work and blog for a living.
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I shall take your bitterness forth and yonder.
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Thank you. The world is pretty much going to be at my mercy soon.
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But if stuff goes viral, douchebags show up. They always do. Never fails.
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They would be just the kind of people that are bitter just like me.
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You want to have a blog post go viral? I cannot imagine anything worse than dealing with the wackos who come out to play when a blog post goes viral. I much prefer being a bitter unnoticed blogger, quietly spreading my mirth, bitterly.
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Well, if it did, it certainly would bring me even more bitterness, so there is that.
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Ben – I am bitter that every time I turn around I have to feel sorry for Kim and her terrible ordeal in Paris. Also I am bitter about the conscious uncoupling of not only Brangelina but Chris and Gwyneth as well. Yes, it has been 2 years but I am still bitter! ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!! PT 2
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Yeah, those things are pretty annoying when you have to think about then. We should sue for thought robbery.
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I really like the way that you think, Ben.
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How much does it cost to sue people?
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I don’t know offhand but I do know Donald Trump could probably tell us. He excels at that!
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Yeah, he is kind of an expert on figuring out how to sue people who have offended him, IE everyone.
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That is probably how he makes his money.
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Or how he learns how to deal with problems. I assume he will sue the government when he doesn’t win the election.
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Yes and the American public. Getting all of our names should take several years. He will have his work cut out for him.
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Not that he will do anything about it himself. He will have some of his winners from the Apprentice do it for him.
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You are so correct, Ben! I mean what else are those D listers doing anyway (Ian Ziering)?
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I think Ian Ziering is probably working at Hot Dog on a Stick hoping he can make it on Deal or No Deal.
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One of your GIF’s gave me seizure where do I send the bill for my ride in the ambulance?
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Send it care of my Bitter Hospital. They run through Bitter Industries Inc.
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I don’t know…I stopped reading after the second sentence…
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I’m surprised you made it to any of the sentences.
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Me too!
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You are really good at follow through in so many cases.
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I thought when people were griping about creepy clowns they were talking about the election?
And I thought Batman vs. Superman and Suicide were ok. I learned years ago to expect nothing from movies, so I’m rarely disappointed.
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I did too. I had a whole post about clowns all written up and then moved it towards the debates etc, but I just couldn’t stomach the clowns so transferred most of my material to this terrible post.
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Thanks, Ben. That last mention of viral was the nomad that broke the camel’s back, not that you know what I mean.
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I never know what you mean. So do you owe me an email about what is going on or is it the other way around?
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When I read this post, I thought I WAS reading the news. Only problem with this is, you did not include any memes of kitty cats doing cute things. And you call this news?
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I tried to distract you with pictures of clowns and Drake, but apparently it didn’t work.
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