I’ve been paying way too much attention in class which is kind of disappointing because I thought I would come to this school and just slide right into my old freshman year habits, which was sleep in all the time, play pranks on the other dorm hall and flunk classes with my sunglasses on. Apparently things have changed in the last oh, I don’t know, 18 years, and all of a sudden I’m the one that’s supposed to make all the adjusting? I don’t think so.
What has been super disappointing is that I’ve listened to teachers, participated in class, finished assignments and turned in homework on time. These terrible new habits have lead to growth, which I’ve learned, kind of hurts your head. I don’t know how you people do it. Changing habits is the worst, and has definitely built my Great Wall of Bitterness one bitter brick at a time.
While building the Great Wall of Bitterness has been a lot of hard work(do you know how hard it is to make my kids do stuff for me so I can relax and watch the television?), I’ve learned about something that hasn’t taken a lot of work to build. My personal brand. I laugh loudly(is that what the kids mean by LOLing?) at companies that spend all kinds of dollars, cents, hammers, nails, buzzsaws, chainsaws and jackhammers and this thing called research to build and publish their brand.
They have to pay for logos, and publish things on Facebook and Twitter, write these new things called blogs, pin things to this thing called Pinstagram, post photos to this other thing called Instaface swapping; it’s all very exhausting. All they really need to do is follow me on this blog and I will show them very easily how to brand.
1.Have the name Ben.
I understand this is kind of hard, because they make have been born with the name Phillis or Nike, or Bill Gates. I understand how rough that can be. I would hate to be named one of those things too. It’s a good thing I was named this, because I would be too lazy to change my name to Ben. There are like court costs, and appearing in public and those things just aren’t worth it. But it might be worth it to get the name, because it is short and easily brandible (brandable?)
2. Be Bitter.
I understand this one can be kind of hard too. Some of you were just born with those sunny dispositions, or with…what are those things called? oh yeah, smiles on your faces. I feel for you people. I really do. To be born with the resting bitter face is a gift. No random people wanting to talk to you, no getting invited to exciting things like parties, no getting jobs automatically because you might be a person that someone would actually enjoying work with. Being born bitter is a gift, because of your automatic ability to detract people.
3. Get a blog.
This is both the easiest thing and the hardest. I could start several blogs in several minutes and I could start posting things and the whole world would start following and sharing and wanting to be my friend in real life. But you need to take the hard route on this one and post dumb stuff that no one would ever want to read. You want your diary yawing with boredom. The best way to get a yawn? Talk about boring you as much as possible. We want grass growing to be interesting in comparison. We want paint drying to be something we look forward to. We want school textbooks about accounting to feel rich and exciting compared to your life.
4. Get branded – I guess you could just skip all that stuff above and just do it the old fashioned way. Get a tattoo with your face on it. Or better yet, get a face tattoo of your face, so they will not be able to ignore your brand.
Well, let’s hope that these things bored the death out of you, so you will want to focus on ANYTHING else besides this post. Mission accomplished.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Branded Ben
Just a quick note of interest, our LUV GOV of Alabama, you’d have to look that up to understand the history completely, is the expert in boring Luv talk to his mistress, listen to recordings made by his wife of 50 years if you don’t believe me, changed his name to “Dr.”so is his title on the ballot would be, Dr. Robert Bentley. So now he is Gov. Dr. Bentley. Since you are returning to school, do your plan to also be Dr. Ben Bitterness? I’d be the first to congratulate you. And I’ll take my royalties off that name brand in cash, please.
LikeLike
I actually would just be called Certificate Bitter Ben because that is all I’m doing. Sadly, that doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but I don’t have to say it, everyone else does.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Obviously I should just franchise….
LikeLike
Bitter Ben franchises will soon be available. They may have a large upfront cost to get one set up, but they will end up paying little to no dividends in no time!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds promising.
LikeLike
They sound promising, but they are the opposite of that.
LikeLike
I have changed my name to Bim (from Kim) I think it’s close to Ben. Thanks for the advice. My stats are now soaring!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Now you are getting it! I figure you now have the tools to become your own bitter brand!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Do I also have to be missing teeth along with the tattoo face in order to be branded correctly?
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is actually not a requirement. That is just a shortcut in case you don’t want to do any of the other three.
LikeLike
Ben- funny post as always. You are bitter that is clear but are you fluent in sarcasm? Shouldn’t that have a place on your personal branding list? 😉
LikeLike
I do speak the subtle and nuanced language of sarcasm. I learned it in college and in fact know it better than English now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. I think they should offer degrees in it. That’s just my opinion.
LikeLike
I would love to be a professor in one of the classes. Cause I love talking in front of people.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You would probably excel at it!
LikeLike
Yep, but I would get annoyed by it too. Because I can’t stand talking to kids that don’t get it. And also I don’t like standing.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Who does like standing? Or talking to kids for that matter?
LikeLike
Not this guy. He prefers any kids that aren’t his to be at least a nuclear blast away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL. I like your measurements. Are they based on a solid theory from NASA? If not, they should be! That is how I prefer kids as well.
LikeLike
It just help you figure out how much you enjoy being around kids.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My name is not ben. Mom, dad, you had one job…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think we need to have a talk with them. Perhaps, they didn’t understand the significance of branding when they named you.
LikeLike
Of course, your mother loves that face. Love, Your Mom
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks mom. You are so kind.
LikeLike
Ben there is a sarcastic undertone to your Blog. Am I right? I like that and I like irony, quick wit and an odd sense of humor. Is this you? If it is I am relieved to find another human with these characteristics. Very funny Blog!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am very much a sarcastic, ironic and well, the wittiness depends on your sense of humor. If you are most of my more serious friends and family, you probably just think I’m a dork. But if you are of the 10% who get my sense of humor, then you are one of the few intelligent people on this earth. Or just like jokes instead of being serious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
2 of 4 already accomplished. Bet you can’t guess which ones!
LikeLike
I assume you’ve done the face tattoo and the changing of the name?
LikeLike
If I changed my name to Ben, I still don’t think I could be as bitter as you. And that would make me feel very bitter. So I won’t change my name to Ben. And because I’ve accepted that it’s futile to change my name to Ben, and I’ve given up trying to be as bitter as you, I feel very, very, very bitter.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is why learning all these things are important. It’s to show that your brand will always be hard to do because changing your name to Ben is too hard.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You know if I dropped the “a” out of my last name I could be a “Ben.” Of course I’d need to learn how to be bitter better if I was ever to become a brand, but I do have a blog. So I’ve got 2 out of 4 of your points covered. It’s a start.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am doing my best to educate people about the art of the bitter, but it isn’t for everyone. And the face tattoo’s, well that is just a shortcut.
LikeLike
I have always been a loner, no one will help me, it makes me bitter.
LikeLike
Great. That means you are well on your way to becoming a brand. Now you just need to start changing you name to Ben and getting a face tattoo!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think I will get a teardrop…would that be bad. Perhaps then someone will do my homework for me.
LikeLike
Or you can cry real tears and nobody would know any different.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Im too bitter for real tears, I might fake it. sob a little.
LikeLike
Thank goodness for all the tears on your face tattoo. Fake it til you make it right?
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s the plan 🙂 Have a wonderfully bitter day, but not too bitter.
LikeLike
It is bitter because it is Monday and I have loads of homework to do!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Get to work! go get em!
LikeLike
I’m too tired and need a nap, as you could see at the top of the blog post. I need to go nod off in a class soon!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Paint a smile on, they don’t have to know you are snoozing. Good luck and good night 🙂
LikeLike
I would paint on a smile, but it wouldn’t be authentic. I will do a good job of letting them all think I’m awake though.
LikeLike
I’ve always wondered why I’ve had such a hard time branding myself on my blog… now I know. I am not named Ben, I smile too much, I produce exhilarating content, and I am certainly unwilling to put a tattoo on my face. (And I am a marketer by profession, go figure.) Now I am bitter, but as a former teacher I applaud your efforts in school.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Well, at least you have a little bitter at the end there. That might help you in the bitter part. Now go work on the other three B’s!
LikeLiked by 1 person