Bitter House on the Prairie

/ bensbitterblog
Epic Prairie fail.

Epic Prairie fail.

Every time I have to go outside to do some manual labor, ie work on my pizza garden, cut down a tree, or mow a lawn, I feel like I’m one of those freaking kids in Little House on the Prairie. Goodness gracious, it’s 2016. Isn’t there an app for this yet?

I think the days of us having to do anything manually should be past us now. I know it is good for jobs and blah, blah, blah, but really should people be left to do customer service or pushing McDonald’s on us? Machines would be way better at upgrading us to a large Value Meal than us humans ever would. And finding one of the four responses that customer service agents give us drolly could easily be programmed into a computer. And I’m sure it wouldn’t be too hard for a computer to throw in a little small talk, or awkward conversation if a person requested that.

Robot doing what they should have a long time ago.

Robots doing what they should have a long time ago.

I should be able to see the lawn being mowed by RoboBen and the GardnerBot 2000 could really mess up the tomatoes just as good as Bitter Ben. I could sit by watching all this from my video monitor if I wanted (I don’t), and watch TV or play video games that the robots programmed for us. And as far as TV shows go, even a low grade robot could write better movies than the Hallmark Channel, but if you crave those, they could dumb it down for us if we really need them to.

Chillin like a Wall-E villian.

Chillin like a Wall-E villian.

Many may argue that we would end up in the shape of the people in Wall-E, but I disagree. Computers are fully capable of making exercise equipment work on us while we are sleeping. “Oh no, it wouldn’t be the same if the computers did it for us,” you are probably saying.  “Uh, yeah it would,” says me. We would feel the same amount of sweat and our legs would be just as tired, but some of us would still need to just not exercise, because how could we be bitter if we weren’t always out of shape when we were chasing after our RoboDog on his walk?

Collecting achievements for sitting in traffic.

Collecting achievements for sitting in traffic.

And if you still really want to have your commute be a bitter part of your day, the CommuterBot of Bitterness(or CBB for short) would always be glad to stick you in traffic with all the other bitter people that need that anger to feel alive. They will even throw in points for hitting metal pedestrians, and you can level up for getting better at it over time. This might actually give you an incentive to sit in traffic. You could earn patience achievements for sitting 5 minutes at a light, or not honking when another person almost killed you. Heck, this can be your full time job, turned into a game, if you were missing all that time you had at work. Or you could make catching Pokemon in real life your job. Just be careful with Pikachu, cause he can be quite shocking.

And if you have the need to sit in a cubicle for 8 hours a day, that can be arranged. Annoying robo-workers can be programmed to annoy your every need. They can talk too much at meetings, chew on their food too loudly or talk about their favorite sports team long after you wanted them to stop. There can even be annoying boss sending you multiple emails about your TPS reports, or come up behind you unexpectedly while you are updating your fantasy football league or blogging.

And if you are one of those people that crave ditching work/school/responsibilities there could be weather app for every occasion. They can even help you make up a new excuse at the drop of a hat while giving you the necessary alibi for your Ferris Bueller’s Day off. Sing on a float, drive your dad’s Porsche, or be totally scared that you are going to get suspended for missing one more day. It’s all up to you.

Let’s stop living in the Bitter House on the Prairie, where all the boring stuff like churning the butter has to be done by hand. It’s time for the robots to take over. And even if you do like living on the Prairie, there’s an app for that. There is no reason we should be doing anything manually unless we want to.

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter House on the Prairie Ben

69 thoughts on “Bitter House on the Prairie”

  1. Hmmm, interesting! And where would robots come in when it comes to women looking at sex as another chore. (This from the many females who privately messaged me about my latest post) Would that occur (like your exercise idea) in their sleep too? Or???

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  4. I like the traffic scenario the best. You could get Paragon or Renegade points for how you react in traffic. Actually, that might be the one scenario where I’d be interested in getting Renegade points. Usually I like to be good, even in video games….but traffic is a whole new ball game.

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  7. I like that robot doing th grass – many of our neighbors have the ride on mowers (and we have relatively small lots – so they do not actually need the big ol ride ons…) but we still have the regular kind of mower – it does have a nice boost – and is sturdy – but that mowing robot would be nice…. with an app

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  11. Haha, I’m with you on this. The more machines we have to take care of every little thing, the lazier I get.

    I’m pretty sure Amy Schumer wrote a skit about a robot that makes you exercise while you’re sleeping. Sadly, it sounded like a great idea to me.

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    • Oh, goodness, how did I miss that Amy Schumer did a sketch about that? Maybe I need to watch her more so I don’t copy her ideas. BTW, do you ever sell your house? We finally just closed last Friday and should FINALLY be getting our money this week, but we aren’t holding our breath for that.

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      • I looked it up and yeah, it’s called “Sleep Gym.” Exercising while asleep is such a great idea that more than one person has to have thought of it.

        CONGRATULATIONS!!! You must be so relieved 🙂

        We’re having no luck. A couple deals fell through and we’re having open houses every weekend. People are dropping by all the time, but it’s winding down. I’ve heard there’s a spike in October and maybe November. So fingers crossed. If we get nothing by then, we will probably close up shop and try again in the spring when people are buying again.

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        • Well, I guess I better look that one up and credit her. Or just not worry about because this blog post will never make it back to her.
          Ugggh, that is such a bummer about your house. We were made to feel pretty inadequate because our house didn’t sell in the first weekend. We lived in a pretty hot market, so going that long means you had some problems (which we did). I had no idea people went much longer than that. I think the thing is that people will buy just about any house at the right price. So, good luck to you and hope someone buys it so you can get in your new one. (are you still looking for a new house?)

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        • I’d imagine Amy Schumer accusing you of stealing her joke would be amazing publicity, actually. Doubt that would happen anyway unless there were multiple examples. It’s only reasonable that more than one person could have the same idea.

          I hate it when people come see the house and aren’t interested. Always makes you feel rejected even though there are a billion reasons it may not work for them.

          This place was a good market but it slowed down in the past year. A bunch of our neighbors had trouble selling, at least. We’ve had to drop our price a couple of times.

          We are still looking, but have to sell our place first. Argh!

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        • Yeah, it would be kind of nice to have Schumer accuse me of stealing. It would definitely get some pub for the blog.
          And yeah, the house thing is the worst, because every rejection feels personal, like they didn’t like you. And we always hated it when people would come by because we would always have to leave. It was the worst. I always felt like we were intruding in our own house.
          Well, I wish you luck and hope people see the good they can do in your house.

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        • Yes! You have to leave and people come poking around your house before deciding it’s not good enough, haha. Thank you for your good wishes–I’ll be so glad when this process is over.

          And here’s hoping Schumer throws a fit about your sleep gym and there’s a big hoopla and millions of people swarm your site 🙂

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        • Yeah, the poking around sucks. People are kind of the worst. Yeah, I hope Schumer throws a fit and yells my blog in People Magazine or something. And people want to interview me about it, and I will just start screaming my blog name and go bezerk.

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  13. When home ownership was a desirable goal, I still hated mowing. When someone complains about yard work there are two answers. “Have you thought about sheep/goats?” Thinking out loud. No gas or noise. Future dinner on the hoof while using organic fertilizer to make lawn green. Dandelions? Ever tried them in a salad? 50/50 reaction. Are you crazy stare or have to think about that.
    Second option. Front yard veggie garden. Meadow in back with all the goodness for bees and butterflies. Got better things to do with my time. Like developing all those killer apps.
    Keep being bitter my friend.

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    • Yeah, mowing the yard is a pain in the butt unless you have a riding mower and a kid who wants to do it for you. We had goats once and they were more of a pain in the butt than mowing. Never again. I just think the apps are the way to go.

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  14. I’d rather deal with robots. Humans infuriate me. I choose to order my drinks through Starbucks app instead of dealing with cashier who’s busy chatting with other people and can’t get my order right, let alone my name. There’s just certain human-to-human interactions I’d rather not do if it’s going to involve my getting annoyed.

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    • I think many of the introverts of the world like us would agree to it. The less human interaction the better. I say this as I type this on a computer and my daughters headphones and phone are attached to her like they are extensions of her.

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  15. If you live in the middle of the country (like I do) and no one is around to see the chaos of greenery, is it really there? 🙂

    You probably don’t want to live this deep into the countryside, since we don’t get pizza delivery this far out.

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  19. Thanks

    Rabu, 07 September 2016, Bens Bitter Blog menulis:

    > bensbitterblog posted: ” Every time I have to go outside to do some manual > labor, ie work on my pizza garden, cut down a tree, or mow a lawn, I feel > like I’m one of those freaking kids in Little House on the Prairie. > Goodness gracious, it’s 2016. Isn’t there an app for this y” >

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  21. First off all manual work should be done by Manuel. All other work should be done by teenagers who should be drafted into a work force that would be used as labor to pay for their college education. Second all athletes should be mandated to do labor jobs so they have both feet on the ground and not have inflated egos. All rappers, television and movie actors making over one million dollars a year should be made to do teaching assignments with the younger generation. This would make all of them bitter and they would understand life is not mandatory but taxes are.

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