No matter how lonely I get, I will never become this guy.
I know this isn’t a very popular thing to say, but don’t worry, because I’ve never been very popular. I’ve never been a big animal lover. My family has had pets before, but I’ve never been personally responsible for them. We had a cat that annoyed the heck out of me when I was growing up in South Dakota, because it would be -30 degrees and she would want to go outside. I would open the door and let the cold, biting air into the depths of my soul, and allow my internal organs freeze. She would feel the same cold air I did, but at least she had fur. When she felt the cool breeze, she would shudder, hesitate, then walk away, leaving me with the struggle of trying the shut the door against the 120 mile an hour breeze.
But it didn’t end there; it never did. She came back several seconds later, and begged to be let out again. I’m no genius, but at least I wait for several minutes before repeating my same mistakes and expecting a different result. She would do the same thing over and over again. Let’s just say that if I ever get old and all the people I know abandon me, I will still not become an old cat man. The cat did her best to annoy me, but at least when we got her it wasn’t a surprise. Thankfully, my kids haven’t pulled that crap on me yet, and brought home a stray cat yet, but I think I’ve threatened their electronic devices if they ever do.
If they ever do bring home a stray, it puts the bitterperson in charge in an impossible situation. You can’t take the cat back, you have to feed its furry face, and you end up cleaning up the crap, and the shedding…for a guy whose head hates hair as much as he does, that is a freaking nightmare.
Maybe your family doesn’t bring in strays, but if you really think about it, they do. They all have the ability to bring something into your home that you don’t really want, but you have to grin like the Cheshire Cat, and bare it like the full moon.
Feel free to not come over any time!
The Sons – They like to bring home unwanted strays called annoying friends. They ask if a friend can come over right when they get home, hoping for a yes, because they are right outside the door, grinning at you like a cereal killer. The hyper ones, the loud ones, the relentless ones, the q&a ones. The ones that want to eat all your food, the ones that want to drink all your secret soda stashes, the ones that want to eat all the frozen, creamy delights, or the leftover pizza you were going to have for breakfast. The ones that ruin all your video games, your movies, and your computers. But most of all they take all the quiet you had in the room and throw it out the window and return nothing but headaches in their wake.
The Daughters – They like to bring home stray passive aggressiveness. “Wow, nothing is in the fridge. Sure would be nice to have something in their when I got home. Oh, hey dad, didn’t notice you there not filling the fridge with food.”
We just need a few more pillows on the couch, and the world will be ours. – Aliens
Mothers – They like to bring home stray pillows. All sizes, shapes and colors. They like to do their very best to help the Alien race of Pillows to first take over the couch, then bed, then the world. Little did we all know that it wouldn’t be crazy alien spacecraft, or advanced alien technology, but pillows that would be our downfall. If only had learned to live with less pillows….
Dads – The stray cords. We all wanted to live in a wireless world right? We are almost there right? I mean look at all the wireless things we have right now? Wireless internet, wireless remote controls, wireless video game controllers…all we need to do is plug them in….with wires. Have you seen all the wireless stuff we have in back of the TV? Thank goodness we only have twice the amount of wires of wireless things right? We are learning how to cut that cord aren’t we?
Alright, last one….and now we are finally WIRELESS!
Next time you want to annoy your family, make sure you bring home a stray. Whether it be an unexpected gift of a puppy, or the even more annoying neighborhood kid being a”loud” into the house, supersoft, yet taking over the couch technology like pillows, or the wireless world going wired, just remember how bitter the others are making you. Stop bringing in the strays.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Strayed Wires Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I have come to the conclusion that most domestic house cats (a) tend to have brain damage (b) have the same excitement level as an old piece of carpet AND (c) if not a nor B, are demon possessed kitties from Hell
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I think it is A and B. I think the moment they leave the womb they hit their heads. That is why they always land on their feet, because if they landed on their head the sense would be knocked back into them.
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I’m with you on the cats. They scare me. They annoy me. They make me sneeze.
Yet, when I visit friends who keep kitties, those fluffy felines make every effort to rub against my legs, climb across my lap, and emit sounds that make me nervous.
I think they’re taunting me.
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Yeah, my sister has a couple and I had to watch them this weekend and they creep me out. The hair everywhere, the smelly cat food, the running everytime you come near them. Ugggh.
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The missus is good at arriving home with ‘unwanted items in the bagging area’. Reminds me of a Fast Show character – you ever see that?
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Never heard of Fast Show. Is that a British show? Yeah, just watched it. Definitely British.
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The teeth are a giveaway!
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Yeah, pretty much. And also the accents.
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Love the catchphrase ‘Even better than that … ‘
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That does seem kind of appropriate.
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Haha. I’ve currently got 3 orphaned kittens I’m bottle feeding these as well as 7 humane society cats (mom and 6 kittens). My hubby wasn’t thrilled either…but he’s realized allowing what makes me happy is.better.than fighting it
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That’s for sure. I have strays coming into my house all the time, but they are of the tiny human variety. My son loves to come home with them and “begs” that they can come in and play.
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Cables! Why do we need so many cables?????
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So we can get free cable I guess.
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The Dad one got me…we actually have storage bins full of cords in our garage. It’s ridiculous. Oh and I currently have 5 pillows on my bed that are just mine. 😉
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Yeah, when we moved the wires bin was quite full and we threw away quite a few non-essential ones too.
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Many of our cats growing up were strays. They’d squat in our barn and stare at us for several days until we caved, let them in and gave them some tuna. Then they were a part of the family!
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That’s how wires are to me. They try to seem harmless, and I just want to take them in, in case I might use them for something, then they strike and take over the living room.
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And they end up twining themselves around your legs and making you fall over, just like cats!!
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Yeah, really right? I just hate all the wires that have to connect to the TV. Thank goodness HDMI cables are making it less, but still there are too many.
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I hate those damn pillows too. My wife likes to cover the couch decorate the bed with them. As far as I can tell, they serve no useful purpose, but at least they don’t eat up everything in the fridge.
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I like the softness of pillows to sleep on, but can’t a couch be freed up for what it’s real purpose is? Watching TV and taking naps on?
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I don’t need strays. I don’t like people, so I don’t have any friends. I don’t need a daughter to bring in passive-aggressiveness, I have enough of my own. I like pillows, but with two dogs in the house, they don’t last long (read: snowstorm in the living room in July). Wires are allowed, but they must remain out of sight at all times. Our next home addition will be building the wires their own room, and that is enough to make anyone bitter. 🙂
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I do think it would be cool to have an IT room, like some people have at work, where all the servers and machines and wires, etc all get placed in one room and only allowed to be accessed by a small group of security when something goes down.
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It used to drive my stepfather nuts that each time my bedroom light went out, instead of just saying ” hey can you change the bulb” I’d instead meekly go “oops my light went out” over and over and over again.
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I don’t know. I think the passive aggressive approach is not only the right way to do that, but also way more funny to us.
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I bring in stray clothes. Now they are all over my closet threatening to fall in a colossal avalanche.
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See what happens when you bring too many home? Just like a cat, they try to kill you.
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Yeah, pretty much.
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I’m glad you can see that finally.
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Stray pillows are the worst. At least we can kick a cat off the couch. But what do we do with all those scatter cushions that get in the way of lounging? It’s a delicate situation, getting the wife’s approval to relocate them to some off-couch premises.
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I know right? I always feel so bad if I try to move one, because I’m not sure if I am able to move the right one.
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You nailed it. I bring home pillows and he hoards cords. Could we be any more suburban? 😉
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And could we be any worse at bringing home strays?
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