On July 1, 2001 I put in my 15 year notice at this job and told them that they had to find a replacement for me, or lose out on all the precious training that I would provide a new person on how to totally mess up a job here. Apparently they thought they had a lot of time, but the notice is finally expiring this Friday and now I’ve forgotten all previous knowledge I had. I’ve been utterly useless this week.
Now I’m just finding out that they have been planning for several years(15 to be exact), because I was a non contributor from the start, so they have been teaching all my things to other people for years and they just pretend to give me work and stress when all they are doing is just giving me a piece of paper that appears to look like a check saying it’s “direct deposit” and letting me use the Swingline stapler.
Back off the Swingline Stapler.
Regardless, I have decided to move to Utah next week because my family is going there. They said I could come if I want, but I have to contribute things every once in a while like getting off the couch, moving some of our items into a truck and possibly even getting out of shotgun to drive every once in a while. I told them as long as we can keep the couches and TV, I will come. They made no such promise.
I’ll do my best…
I do have to get a job, but they said I needed to go back to school first. I was like fiiine, but I’m going to make spitballs I can shoot at the teacher and learn the best ways to go to detention. But then they told me that they don’t do detention or spitballs in college because you pay money for it.
So apparently I’m studying social media, which as none of you know(myself included), is a way to learn how to work as a social media specialist for a company. Not as the guy that just tweets stuff all day. Or checks their own Facebook. Or writes blogs and comments on them. Cause I do that stuff already as part of my job here.
Anyway, if you want to see what my dream job is, you need to check the video above and go to :47 seconds into the video. However, before you watch the video you should know one thing. I DO NOT want to work for Trump, and I DO NOT want to work for Hillary, or any other political figure, not only because of any political support I would sway to either of these dimwits, but because I’m not political. Also, I wouldn’t really work for either one of them, I would probably pretend to work while looking at the internet and texting all day.
Here’s what I think of your opinions.
So back to my dream job. As you saw above, the Bitterness Advisor position is a real thing. Trump has one and clearly that girl was way unqualified. If I were to interview with them or any other company as their bitterness advisor, I would blow away the competition. I not only have 43 years of experience being bitter, but I have 4 and 1/2 years of blogging experience. My resume is stacked. No one else has the skills, abilities or resume to even come close.
Moving on to moving, I’m not really a fan of moving. And we’re not talking about moving from here to Utah. I’m just talking moving off of my couch. It’s painful to know that for at least a few days, the couch and TV will not be there to absorb all the moving I will be doing. And that makes me bitter.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitterness Advisor Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Ben, appreciate your droll take…only thing is; i am certain that whatever Hillary Clinton is, she is not a “dimwit.” continue…
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I’m afraid I’m bringing a knife to a gunfight. I’m totally not political. So what would you call Hilary? Just curious on your brief take.
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I can only say I hope your new job is at least as bitter as the one you just quit. I cannot imagine reading happy, upbeat blog posts from you. That just wouldn’t be right… 😦
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You can guarantee I will find bitterness in whatever job I’m in. I am going to go to school first though and then hope to find just the right fit of bitterness and too much money.
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I spent 16 years at my job and gave a much shorter notice. Leaving took weeks (“outprocessing” from a government job is harder than it sounds). It would have been fun to ghost out of there, just take a coffee break and never come back. I wanted my desk phone as a trophy, but did I get it? NO. My party was a potluck lunch, and they had the nerve to ask me what I was bringing! I should have crop-dusted the hall on the way out. I’m sorry, did that sound bitter? Enjoy Utah, don’t look back. 🙂
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Yeah, of course that sounded bitter and that is the correct emotion about leaving a place. I can guarantee I would not have brought anything to the potluck because I didn’t ever bring things before. So they would expect nothing more.
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From Washington to Utah?! Seriously? Wow. That’s quite a change. Does it even rain in Utah? I think all their nice weather and blue skies and wholesome, beardless people may make it hard to stay bitter. Or maybe it will just make you more bitter. Who knows? Anyway, Happy Trails! May you be quickly settled in and reunited with your couch.
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It is quite a change and one that will hopefully keep me bitter as ever. The weather may be different and the air dryer, and the people nicer, but I will always find something to be bitter about, I assure you.
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Good luck on the move!! I’ve never been to Utah but I’ve heard good things. Hey, maybe you can start making more youtube videos and become a youtube star and be a millionaire by the time you’re 21? Anything’s possible hahaha
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You are right. Making more videos and becoming rich is the goal. But I’ll probably not make it by the time I’m 21. Unless a time machine is involved.
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Do it! Seriously, I am all about bitter news from the couch
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You might be the only one. I only had a few hits on those and they kept getting smaller. I guess people prefer the “radio” version of me.
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Laaame
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All I know is I loved doing them and would love doing them still if I had more time.
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Is moving the worst thing in the world? Quite possibly.
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No. Moving around when you are selling your house. That is the worst thing in the world.
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I don’t know, we may have to disagree on this one.
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Okay, I guess we can disagree on this one. 🙂
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When you leave, steal the stapler. That will show ’em.
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That would be a great idea. I will claim that it accidentally fell into my bag. So sorry.
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Congrats, I guess. But be careful. Leaving a job to hate, for a job you love could cause you to lose your bitterness. And then you would suck at being a Bitterness advisor. So then they’d fire you. And then you’d be bitter again, but unemployed.
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Never worry about me being bitter. Selling the house itself will be 15 more posts minimum and then the regular readers will have something to be bitter about.
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Obviously, the bitterness advisor is perfect for you 😀 Good luck on your move! Remember, your separation from your beloved couch and tv is just temporary 🙂
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Let’s hope only very temporary. Because the couch will miss me.
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Of course the couch 😉
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The couch has a hole in its cushiony heart for me.
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Read this when you’re free: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Chair?wprov=sfla1
It might make you change your mind about your couch’s intentions xD
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Wow, the best part is that they said this was adapted into a movie. Must have been academy worthy over there.
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Don’t know about that but the story did make me check all the chairs in my house for any unwanted guests xD
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I read it in the beginning of the article. But yeah, that does kind of make you want to check your couches before you sit on them.
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Read this when you are free: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Human_Chair?wprov=sfla1
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Exciting times in the world of Bitter Ben!!! …which is cause for bitterness, because: excitement.
Congrats on the move, contracts on the new start, and congrats on having the best resume of anyone anywhere for the Best Bitterness Advisor in All the Land. You will surely go far. Which is a shame, because that means getting off the couch.
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I figure a Bitterness Advisor should work from home a lot, and that means couch.
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A reasonable assumption.
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I like to assume things despite the negative connotation assuming gets.
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Yeah, when you assume, one of two things can happen, and they are both positive: Either you are right (and your awesomeness is revealed) or you are wrong (and the amount of bitterness in the world is expanded).
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Assumptions are good for bitter people like us.
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THAT’S EXCITING. Congrats on the move, even though you’ll probably shove the congrats up your nose.
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The best part of the move was giving my notice to my job. So much fun to be a lame duck employee!
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I always loved putting in my notice to jobs I hated. It’s so satisfying.
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Yep, there’s nothing like it.
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Wow, they really did create a job just for you, even if it’s only in a video. BTW, I think you’d do a much better job than the peppy blonde.
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Now if I could just get an interview with someone, it would be on.
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Well, I’ll interview you.
So Ben, what makes you bitterest of all?
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People in general, co-workers specifically. So this place of business should be a perfect place for me to work because it has both things that fuel me.
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Nice!
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So did I give enough of a good answer to get a second question or is this interview over?
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Well, you seem to want another question so I’ll ask you: what makes you think you are the best candidate for this job?…but really I have to say, you’re already hired…mostly because no one else applied.
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Because as my blog says, I make Bitter Better. And I like to talk people out of giving me the job, even when I have it. Like for instance you will probably decide that we don’t need a Bitter Advisor because of how badly I botch this interview.
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Wow, you are really qualified! I think we should give you a 100% raise!
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I can’t wait to get my 100% raise on zero dollars!
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I know! You know, usually we just give 50% to start but you really are exceptional!
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I can’t even imagine how much 50% of zero would be.
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A LOT!
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It sounds like tons of zero’s after that check.
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yeah, and before…and in the middle…
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Maybe one day another number will be added to the mix.
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Hilarious! Good luck with the new job. You would do a much better job than Sue. Ha!
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Yeah, Sue does kind of stink at Bitterness advising. I mean she could only offer one thing? I would have had 5-7 ideas off the top of my head, then 100-200 ideas by lunch. Their head would be swirling with the amount of ideas I had for bitterness.
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