It’s the time of year to fear…my guns.
It’s that time of year when the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the days are longer and the porch is calling for you to drinking a nice refreshing lemonade. The kids are out playing in the yard, running through the sprinklers or happy playing in the yard. So why not kill that buzz really fast, by going on the 2 week ritual we call a summer vacation road trip. Overpack your car, find some annoying tunes and get ready to enjoy your family members even less in a space even more cabin fevery than you house. Since the sun is really getting to you and you can hardly stand it at all anymore, have I got a destination for you!
There is nothing like the cloudy, depressing weather and crystal cloudy, algae filled lakes of the Puget Sound (that’s Seattle area for you non hipsters out there). The cold, musty smells, the tree blocking views, the gray depressing clouds Seattle are here to inspire you to love where you are from.
Don’t ever say we aren’t givers.
Take in a depressing, nonsensical protest downtown! Feel the bitterness and frustration of a parade downtown that slows traffic to an absolute crawl to remind you of the daily grind you were just trying to escape! Take in an already boring game of baseball, and add in a tradition of losing and you can enjoy as a family a depressing game of baseball with the local Seattle Mariners!
Enjoy our local tree huggers.
Blend in the local tree hugging hippies, or a crazed tree climbing weirdos by not showering or brushing your hair or wearing makeup. And if that doesn’t bore you to tears, take in an even more boring tour of the Museum of Flight. Relax from daily worries by going on a hike of Mt. Rainier that will make you want pray for the days when you could just sit around at work!
All these wonderful activities are going to require that you stay in a really expensive place with amazing views right?
Wrong. I may be a little late to the Air BNB trend that is going on, but I have finally hopped on the bandwagon hoping to cash in on some suckers ready to abandon their money and their common sense.
I’m now an official owner of an Air Bitter N Bitter. Come experience their chore of being here on vacation in a place that will match the bitterness of your vacation brick for brick.
Here’s a description of the place you will unfortunately be stuck staying at: Basement dungeon available for week long adventures in frustration. The musty smell of desperation and despair waft into every tiny space. Amazingly views of the dirty windows and metal egress openings just outside it, giving you a feeling of being trapped and uncomfortableness. Kitchen style table great for gathering around to talk about the depressing vacation, complain and fight bitterly, or to talk about the excursions that will most certainly fail to impress. Lay by the dirty ditch filled with water just outside for a tense evening of sunburning and mosquito biting.
Enjoy the jaw dropping views.
Go on a safari in the nearby wooded area, where you can get scratched up by local fauna, and attacked by local wildlife. Get lost in an adventure where your compass breaks and you just can’t make it back for days. Rent mules for the day and go on a troubled ride through meadows full of tall grass and loud insects. Or venture to one of the 1 star local watering restaurants that make McDonald’s look like a McDonald’s.
Reservations are filling up extremely slowly, so don’t delay or you might not miss out on your nightmare vacation you will unfortunately never forget.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Air Bitter N Bitterer Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
At least I wouldn’t have to deal with one of those overly-friendly hosts who wants to get into an extended conversation every time we see each other.
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Yeah, hosts need to take down the level just a bit. Seriously. Time for a vallium.
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I’m truly appalled that Cyndi (my imaginary stalker) and I travel to Hawaii when I could have hopped on the Sounder Train and stayed at your Bitter BnB. What a waste of money on my part.
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I don’t think the sounder train would make it out to Renton Highlands. Maybe a bus would get you close enough, but then again, that would be a part of your bitter experience.
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Now, I have to make a list of most-annoying-people around me and send them to your BnB. I hope you are a good host and take good *wink-wink” care of them.
By the way , we have beautiful monsoons here !
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That is how we get our best customers. Through referrals of other people that don’t like them. Revenge for you, money for me, bitterness for your enemies and not so good friends. It’s a great business model.
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This is a reminder of why I never really enjoyed family vacations. Renting out to vacationers – that sounds much worse. But I can see where you’re going with this. Why not share our bitterness with others and make some extra money at the same time?
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Right? Making money and causing other people to suffer is kind of what I like to do.
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Works for me.
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No thanks. Ever since I heard that Seattle scraped all the gum off the famous Gum Wall, the city has lost its charm. Besides the Sounders and maybe fish throwing, I’m not sure what there is worth seeing up there.
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Hey, Air Bitter and Bitters bring used chewing gum to you. No need to visit the wall. And besides, wouldn’t you rather be stuck in traffic to go view a protest instead of going to a gum wall or viewing a fish throwing?
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That sounds awful. Completely awful. You could really make a killing by visiting THE MOST boring places on Earth (Dayton, Ohio) and reporting on each one and what each one doesn’t have to offer.
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The business will be setting up places that people don’t want to go instead of places they do want to go. So Dayton, OH would be a great place. Also my growing up place of Sioux Falls, SD, Seattle, and many other such places of non interest across the world.
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My God! You have potentially created an entirely new industry! Your not Bitter Ben, your Brilliant Ben! How about that?!?!
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I would much rather be rich so I could build myself a Bitter N Bitter castle full of trap doors and such.
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That would be awesome!
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No kidding it would be. So how is your new job?
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My new job is amazing!! Free snacks, got to leave at 4 today, free baseball tickets earlier in the week. Awesome!!!
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And boss that isn’t the devil!
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Makes me bitter that I am not planning to stay at an air bitter and bitter next week when I go on vacation to a HOT, SUNNY, HUMID (and occasionally rainy) BEACH even further south than where I live in Florida. I am going to hang out with family who I too rarely see — in part because I get up early, they get up late, I avoid the sun, they worship it, I go to bed early, they go to bed late. I’m kind of bitter that I am giving up work for this. But now I am more bitter because you are having such a wonderfully bitter vacation in Seattle.
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It kind of does sound like you are staying at an Air Bitter and Bitter next week. You are going somewhere you don’t want to go, to do stuff you don’t want to do, with people you don’t want to do it with. That sounds like and Air Bitter and Bitter.
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And now I feel so much better about this…
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You know me. Always making people feel better about themselves…
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Glad I chose a stay cation this year.
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But you would have been so much more miserable here in Seattle. Then when you got back to work you would have something to complain about.
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I as m trying hard to limit the complaining.
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Not necessary on this blog. That’s all we do around here.
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Yeah, links are really hard to click on. I hope someday you have the energy to click on one when you get up from the couch.
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Someday maybe.
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Do you have a lazy river? I’m only coming if there’s a lazy river… With no kids in it.
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We have a hot tub, which holds me, and I’m lazy, so I guess you could consider that a lazy river.
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A river that’s so lazy it can’t be bothered moving from the hot tub!
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That is me and my life!
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Oh no I misspelled Seattle…please delete that comment LOL
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Okay, I will delete that comment. And this one too. Whoops. uh…
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Now I wanna move to Seatlle…LOL 🙂
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Now I want to move to Settle too. Whoops sorry delete this comment.
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Pingback: Air Bitter N Bitter | You Didn't Ask, But I'll Answer
Ben, your blog reads like a travel brochure and you could be my travel agent. Thanks for confirming my reasons for having reservations about ever going to Seattle. Although the coffee there is much hyped, I can buy really good coffee from the store 2 miles from home, and then drive back home, a whole lot quicker than from there. If I want rain and musty aromas I can go to my car which has a leak somewhere that’s letting the rain in my carpets. Mmmm, musty-stale-freshness! As for staying at your BNB, the travel cost of going home is less if I don’t travel away, so I’m saving more and enjoying myself less from here. I could sell tickets to my own place, but the freeloader kids who have taken up residence would resent and bemoan my renting “their” rooms in my house, so you get a couch. You all can come to my bunker, but I’ll need you to bring copious alcohol and mow the mosquito, rodent, and weed-ridden lawn as payment for the accommodations. My travel slogan: It’s just as depressing as Seattle!
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That sounds like the perfect location for a summer vacation of bitterness. Just like I promise to people coming to stay at my Bitter n Bitter. Maybe we will have multiple terrible locations around the world that people don’t want to visit and charge exorbitant prices?
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What’s your percentage for me wanting to open a midwestern bitter franchise? N/m, just take it in free accommodations when you come visit. I’ll cook. But you have to bring the alcohol.
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Yes, a bitter franchise of bitter places to visit, where brochures will disappoint you with their beautiful pictures. A bitter franchise will be born!
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I like the idea of beautiful pictures, and bait and switch, the view is obscured by the brick wall adjacent the vacation home. Or, you just missed it, the whatever it was was just mowed down, or demolished, and replaced with a parking lot. Welcome to “paved paradise!” Which is just what they do around here.
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There is all kinds of possibilities. Another commentor just got me thinking that the best customers would be people that have a list of people they don’t like and they can refer them to our Air BNB’s and we could make it a miserable vacation for them as well as making money and them getting revenge on their bitter enemies.
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Bitter N Bitter..that’s funny and my guess is, if you build it, they will come..:)
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I can’t imagine why someone would not want to come and stay here all summer.
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Who goes to the Seattle area for summer vacay?? It sounds like people should run out of there during the summer, not drag themselves there. Your vacations sounds fun compared to mine, though. I wrote this post last year, but this summer’s been exactly the same depressing way, and even worse I think. Sooooo, have a great summer y’all!
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Well, pretty much every summer since I was like 18 has sucked, because I haven’t had three months off since then. Everyone keeps expecting me to like go to work all summer. So depressing.
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What’s this “basement” you speak of? Where I live, it would be called “underwater.”
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Well, it is more of a crawl space, but in the hospitality industry, you have to spice up the descriptions a bit.
So for you, we would call that “waterfront”.
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I like that. If I ever sell my house, I know who to call.
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Yep, not me. Maybe Ghostbusters.
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I thought it was more about staying at your apartment and annoying you while you tried to sleep on the couch. Kind of want my money back now.
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Well, there is kind of a no money back policy.
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I somehow knew you’d say that.
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I am kind of predictable. You knew I was going to say that right?
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