Pizza Ordering 101 – A New Course offered At Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness

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Hello Pizza Please.

It’s not as simple as saying, “Hello Pizza Please.”

Two disturbing trends lately. 1) It has come to my attention that I haven’t created any new classes for Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness lately and that isn’t okay and B), it has come to my attention that not everyone in the world knows how to order pizza. It is imperative you know how to order pizza, as it a critical part of your success in life. Anything from getting a job, to starting a family to becoming the president of the United States, to the way more important being the President of you local Pizza Club is determined by how you order pizza. As a leading expert in the pizza sciences, I will teach you in all aspects of pizza ordering. (If you haven’t registered for school here yet, it’s not too late. It’s way economical compared to Harvard.)

As this will be a 16 week course, I won’t be able to teach it all to you in this post, but I will be able to offer a syllabus of the general things we will learn over the 16 weeks.

This course will help you become one with the pizza.

This course will help you become one with the pizza.

Before we even discuss, the how’s, why’s and methods of ordering we will do a history of the methods themselves.  For instance, we will discuss the history of the ancient pre-2000 method we call the non smart telephone. We will discuss what a telephone cord is, the pre-Google method of looking up phone numbers called a phone book, what life was like before Wi-FI, phones using the “rotary dial) method, then the progress to cordless phones, to cellular phones that made only phones calls. Finally, we talk about the early history of the Smart Phone, and then finally talk about the current phablet model.

The early history of phones we called a rotary phone.

The early history of phones we called a rotary phone. To the left is what we called a “cord”. 

We will also discuss the early methods of social media like Friendster, MySpace, chat rooms, and then current methods of ordering pizza like Twitter, Facebook, and online ordering.

We will discuss how your physiological and biological states can affect the types of pizza you will want, the brands, the ingredients and how the ordering process can be affected.

Just dump it all here please.

Not as easy as saying, “Just dump it all here please.”

We will have a unit on the social aspects of pizza ordering. Are you all alone? Are you with a significant other? Will your ordering skills be affected by who you are with? Are you with a small group, at a party, a work setting, at a stadium or just catching some pizza after a date. Was the date successful? Did you eat at an expensive restaurant that offered mouse like portions? Will that cause the pizza ordering to be more effective or less?

The regularity of the pizza – Are you an every Friday kind of guy or girl? Do you only order once a month or only during blue moons? Does ordering regularly get you additional benefits with the pizza place? If you are ordering regularly with the same company are you maximizing your benefits with them, or do you need to go somewhere else that will appreciate you?

Your personality types will be studied. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Are you a thinker or a feeler? A judger or feeler? A senser or an intuitioner? We talk about the best methods for each personality type and match you with your best pizza ordering platforms.

You will be taught how to order extra items, and how to pair them with the main course. We will talk about breadsticks, garlic knots, soda pairings, wings, and deserts. We will also talk about crust types.  Stuffed crust, thin crust, pan crust and deep dish. We will talk about toppings, when to use certain combinations and how to order the tricky “half pizza” to maximize an order in a large group setting.

Finally, you will put all your knowledge and skills to the test by ordering me a pizza, using money out of your own pocket. Besides a history of pizza ordering methods, you will be graded on the following criteria: Speed at which I get my pizza. The freshness and taste of the pizza, the brand and toppings pertaining the mood I’m in. The right pairings with the main pizza. And finally you will figure out the right amount to pay with tax, delivery and tip.

I'll be right here, waiting for my pizza.

I’ll be right here, waiting for my pizza.

Many people think that pizza ordering on only the surface level, and really don’t dig deep dish enough. After this course you will have the confidence to order in any situation and have the ability to please anyone from your current crush to your boss to even the most finicky of kids with you ordering skills. Sign up today!

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Pizza Ordering  Makes All the Difference Ben

55 thoughts on “Pizza Ordering 101 – A New Course offered At Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness”

  2. A very comprehensive curriculum, but I am a firm believer in the “learning by doing” method. Somehow I think you will eat the learning effect along with the pizza if you make them order for you. I think you should either reflect on your rewards system or rename this course “The Theoretical Underpinnings of Ponzi Pizza Ordering”.

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  3. Do you accept transfer credits from other institutions of lower learning? I’ve already completed-
    Pepperoni-What is it Really Made From?
    Gluten-Free-Are You Kidding Me? and of course
    Pineapple-Not Just For Upside-Down Cake
    I’ve already spent so much money working on my degree with Rocco’s School of Typewriter Maintenance and Italian Cuisine and would hate to lose the credit hours.

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  4. At the risk of completely losing your respect, I must confess that I am not a pizza fan. Well, with a couple of exceptions, like gourmet veggie pizza with white garlic sauce. That’s good stuff. But the rest? Blah. (Blame it on my Jupitian roots).

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  5. I dislike talking to strangers on the phone, talking to strangers when they hand me the pizza I ordered online, and having strangers show up on my doorstep (even to hand me pizza). So if another person isn’t around and willing to deal with all that for me, I don’t get pizza. Which makes me sad. Can your course help me become a pizza ordering pro?

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    • That is why we study the personality so extensively in the course. We know how tailor the experience for even the most introverted and people averse people and help them do this without any displeaure. We will teach you tips and tricks on how to do this. Even the course is available to do online so you don’t have to speak to people.

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    • Absolutely George. The world has no idea what they are missing out on. They thin it is just an easy thing to do, but there are so many subtle intricacies that they are missing out on by not taking the course. And there are so many dollars I’m missing out on, when they aren’t taking the course.

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  7. A bitter thanks for nothing to you, Bitter Ben. I’m on clear liquids today due to a most bitter test scheduled for tomorrow. Yes, that’s right. Colonoscopy. I’ve been chowing down on pineapple Jello (spiked with coconut flavored rum) all day. Now I want pizza. And I don’t even like pizza all that much.

    Mr. Aitch usually orders pizza and I pick it up. But not today.

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    • And a bitter your welcome, Patti. I always enjoy taunting people that can’t have pizza when I can. It’s just one of the perks of being bitter. It’s nice to have someone order it for you, but you need to prepare for a day when that person may not be around to help you in an emergency fit of pizza rage, so I suggest you take the course and pay me lots of money for it.

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  8. Obviously, I need this course. It sounds incredibly comprehensive – which I need post haste.

    PS – So glad to have inspired this!
    PPS – Now I want pizza.
    PPPS – If only I had this skills to order it.
    PPPPS – Wow, that really came full-circle.

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  11. This sounds like the perfect gut course to bolster my gpa (good pizza acquiring). I’ll sign up just as soon as I can get a scholarship from the Pizza Foundation. It will be nice graduating from the $5 cardboard pizza, to gourmet style ordering.

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  12. I need this course. I always make my husband order because he has the patience and determination to deal with the confused order takers. Me? I’d give up and just eat a PB&J instead of even trying to order.

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  13. I hate blue moon pizza. I prefer meaty toppings. Spaghetti and meatballs served on a huge bowl-shaped dish made of bacon, sausage, pepperoni, bacon, sausage, and bacon pizza. with broiled buttery garlic bread with mozzarella cheese on it. Blue moon pizza sucks and it makes me feel irregular and bitter. And in my Dr. Pepper, I like whiskey or rum, thank you very much. I may have attended classes, but I was only hoping you’d notice and award an honorary Ph.D. (Pizza’s Here, Deon)

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  14. I had no idea pizza ordering was so complicated. I never order on the phone as I can’t understand a word they are saying. I order online. You mean they had pizza in the olden days? I thought they were invented at Shakey’s Pizza Parlor.

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  15. A highly recommended course folks! I signed up and now I know how to do a veggie when everyone else wants a pepperoni and how to wrangle your way into getting 3 slices there’s really only enough for 2 per person!

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