Pokemon Go Away

/ bensbitterblog
More like Pokemon Go away.

More like Pokemon Go away.

Back in 1998, I was a recent grad from college, working at my dream job of telemarketer, and I would get super bored between calls. Luckily, I had a Nintendo Game Boy and I had discovered this new game called Pokemon. It captured my imagination, because it was about being a 10 year old. A 10 year old who basically got the go ahead from his parents to obtain a Pokemon or “Pocket Monster” who would fight other Pokemon and they would level up and get stronger. When it first came out it was a big hit and no one thought about how disturbing it was for these crazy things to happen. But you know, it was a video game, and it was escapism. I continued to be enchanted by the whole “Gotta Catch Em All” theme and the evolution of the characters. If you worked with one more for a while, there was a chance that it would evolve and become a cooler and stronger Pokemon. My parents probably hoped that I would someday evolve too, but that is a different story that we will never talk about again.

It hasn't caused anything creepy to happen.

It hasn’t caused anything creepy to happen.

Anyways, recently (about a week ago) an app came out called Pokemon Go, which for long time fans is kind of a cool thing. It’s basically the same premise as the original game, expect it is on your smartphone, which means you have GPS capabilities and a camera. So basically it wants you to go outside, and with your GPS, track the Pokemon down, “in real life”.  Because of this, Pokemon is getting headlines for all the wrong reasons.  Some people are so focused on catching these things that they are forgetting about their real life environment, and they are getting in dangerous situations.

There are some pretty great fake stories about how people are getting themselves in trouble. One fake story is about how some kid was trying to track down one in a dangerous area of his town, and he got mugged and beaten for his phone. Guess that guy was trying to catch em all. All the smartphones.

And another story about a kid who ran into the middle of a busy highway/freeway (whatever they call those things that cause traffic) and caused a massive pileup. The kid was just trying to be the best Pokemon trainer. Can you blame him for wanting to run into traffic? I mean he’s 10 years old. Clearly he’s old enough not only be left to his own devices, but to have his own device (a smartphone), and be granted permission by his family to play in traffic. Luckily that is fake, but there are some real stories too.

Fake, but not that some 10 year old are probably wandering around with this game.

Fake, but not that some 10 year old are probably wandering around with this game.

Like the Australian Police office that happens to be one of the locations of a Pokemon. So many people are coming into the police office looking for a Pokemon, that the police are having to issue a statement telling people that police work is going on there, so please don’t come inside and ask for the Pokemon, we need to work here. And they keep having to tell people that they can catch the Pokemon outside.

Don't mess with the Australian Police Force.

Don’t mess with the Australian Police Force.

All these are dangerous things, but none more dangerous to me than one little word in title. The word Go. This implies moving. Getting up. Walking. Exercise. None of which are anything that I’m remotely interested in. In order to capture them, you have to move in real life. Gross. I’ve got a couch to think about. I’ve got a remote control that would feel neglected. I’ve got a fridge that needs some attention. And how can all these special things in my life get the attention they deserve, if I’m up. And moving and out capturing things.

Me when asked to get off the couch to do something.

Me when asked to get off the couch to do something.

You’ve gone too far Pokemon Go. I played almost every version of Pokemon.  I spent hours and hours trying to catch them all. I’ve spent every last cent of my children’s inheritance on the game systems, the games, the accessories and every game just so I could catch them all. And this is what I get for my loyalty? A game where I have to move around? A game I can’t blame from the couch? A game I can’t play while in a car?

You’ve finally gone too far Pokemon. You finally got on the camel and placed an extra straw on it, causing the back of the camel to break. And along with that you broke my heart. How could you Pokemon? How could you betray me like this? Never again.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Lay on the Couch and Not Pokemon Go

88 thoughts on “Pokemon Go Away”

  1. The best comment I heard about Pokemon Go was that they should put them around polling stations in November to make sure young people vote. I can’t make up my mind whether this would be a good or bad thing??? 🙂

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  9. So how do you rate a pokemon chaser in front of your door? like do you hand out pokemon shaped pizza bits- or let them play other more reasonable video games? if so, more power to you. maybe you can still save a few of the human race with your bitterness. the game is so massively over-followed over here in germany, as I wrote in my blog, also Pokemon Go. Away. the server is down from six pm to seven am. yyyyyyeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

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  10. Gotta love how our Aussie Police threw in a bit of road safety advice to all those obsessed Pokemoning Peeps. Gosh I love this wide vast land and all of us living here. (Wow, that sounded a tad nationalistic but my heartfelt pride comes mostly from the fact that on the whole, we are a pack of fun loving dags and drongos. Just a wee bit of Aussie slang there for you BB.)

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    • It is pretty awesome that the police dept has to start telling people to scram because they are screwing up actual police work. I know this sounds bad, but I can’t help thinking that they are working on a kangaroo related crime.

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  13. I like the concept and it is fun, but it drains your phone battery. I think it’s fun, but sometimes it’s annoying because I will be walking and a Pokemon will pop up, but I have nowhere to get out of other people’s way which I would find rude if I were the other people. So….it kind of gives me anxiety.

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  15. Omg! My son and I drove around last night for 45 min, chasing nothing. We turned around in people’s driveways and ended up on a golf course. We were in another housing development driving around slowly like a creeper. People I’m sure debated on calling the police. Each time he would “see” one, I would slam on the breaks.

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  17. For Pokemon Go, here are your challenges to capture, names I swear I am not making up:

    Axew (axe you, like lemme axe you a quetsion.)
    Bagon (bag on, like i’m gonna get something at the liquor store with a bag on it)
    Drowzee (just like it sounds, man, I’m feeling a little drowzee, think I’ll take a nap)
    Exeggcutor, Exeggcute, Exploud (You better pick an Exeggcutor because I’m about to Exeggcute you, and when I do you’re not just gonna explode, you’re gonna Exp-loud)

    I need to stop. My kids are too old for this crap and theyre doing it too. I guess killing off the Pokemon craze is as hard as it was back in the 80s to stop Haim Saban from starting a new Power Rangers series. (“These are seriously awful. What? Another one? NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”) I think to kill the pokemon you “gotta Ketchum all”.

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  18. So I literally went to the manager of my office building today and told her we were “Pokeman Go famous” because people were spotting “something Pokeman-related, but I have no idea what exactly or what the game is or if people actually see things or get things and if they do if only one person gets it — like geocaching or what.” That was pretty much the extent of my conversation except for her exclamations of joy about how “we’ve finally made it!” and how complete life is and stuff. I love discussing things way beyond my comprehension with people who think I’m brilliant because I do. I love how this is your topic of the day and how much bitter I now understand this phenomenon.

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    • So I guess you have a valuable Pokemon in your building. I wish our open house had a few Pokemons driving traffic toward our house. Unfortunately, we are not Pokemon Go famous like your building is.

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  22. Since I was never a young boy and don’t like computer games, I know nothing about Pokémon. However, I have an entire box of little figures that someone said were Pokémon. My grandson played with them years ago. Do they work only with a download or what is the story? I don’t know what to do with them. Same story with dozens of Matchbox Cars.

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  23. My son’s been going on and on about this Pokemon game for days now and every time he starts talking about it he just starts to sound like Charlie Brown’s teacher…kind of like what happened while I was reading this blog.

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