I imagine being an extrovert can be a pretty bitter and exhaustingly hard job. You are always on the offensive, trying to hunt down people to interact with, to way overtalk with; like a mosquito trying for its next human arm fix. Though somehow I’m sure even the hunt for other people is energizing to an extrovert. An introvert on the other hand, is on the hunt for the 15 minute break, that next big bank deposit of quiet, the search for the alone time that makes all that running through the maze of people worth it. An introvert needs to bring some weapons to the battle, to make it through the labyrinth of people. For the most part, introverts are on the defensive and they need all kinds of shields and other defensive weapons to make it through this battlefield. Here are some weapons of war I like to use:
Mirrors – Mirrors are an amazing weapon that allows an introvert to know when someone is coming so they can avoid them. And an introvert can find them in creative ways, that an extrovert never will. Yesterday I saw someone that I did not like(ie most people) in the lunch room, but I needed to grab a cup to get some ice and water. So I approached the counter and looked up to see a microwave. A genius tactic popped into my head and I used the microwave door as a mirror to know when the person left. Don’t just limit yourself to actual mirror’s. An introvert can use almost any shiny surface to get intel on when people leave, or when they approach, so you plan your exit strategy.
Locks – Locks are a pretty amazing way to keep people out, but use them sparingly. Use them too much and people think you have something to hide, and not just keep people away. But if you have a lock it can be a temporary escape for the bitterness of other people. Some even use them creatively by performing the magic trick where you lock yourself in a tank of water and you have to escape. It may be extreme, but at least you have a few seconds of not talking to other people.
Hidden Doors – It’s always been a dream of mine, but literally and figuratively to have a hidden door with a hidden room in my house. In addition to literally dreaming about having a hidden room in my house dozens of times, I also have dreamed about having one in a real house of mine. In fact, when touring a house in the Street of Dreams (an annual opportunity you have to tour a neighborhood of 5 or so dream houses that were for sale for prices way above anyone but Bill Gate’s and a few NBA players budgets) they showed off a room under a staircase and I almost put our lives savings on a down payment for the house right there.
Desks/Cubicles – Not everyone sees a desk or a cubicle as a means of defense against other people, but introverts sure do. The moment they see their desk at work or office at home, they start plotting ways to keep people out. They set it up similarly to a castle. They see every obstacle as one more way to keep people out. I have a beam in my desk area that actually is against code, but for me it is a defense, so I embrace it. If at all possible, I’m arranging file cabinets in certain ways, bookshelves in an inconvenient way, even break signs provide a little defense. My favorite of all time was when my boss was out of town for a week once and I had a stack of 4 reams of paper that I put on the ledge of my cubicle that provided just the right amount of coverage of my face and people just avoided my more. It was an amazing week.
Television – When in a social situation with a lot of new people, the use of a television can be one’s greatest ally, especially when it is a bunch of bros. Two guys that would normally have nothing to say to each other suddenly can become best friends when the great mediator of subjects, and the filler in of awkward silences, The TELEVISION, beams its magical HD 1080p or above resolution into the situation. Without it, the evil nemesis of introverts, Awkwardness, would bust his way in and punch you and these people in the faces. But television is there welcoming your introvert self with a ready made barrier that pushes Awkwardness to the sidelines for a moment until the other people leave and you can continue your precious moments of turning your brain off until you can go to sleep and dream of hidden doors and rooms.
The weapons of war are many for the introvert, but creativity is needed to use them properly. So get out there and practice. Sharpen your blades. Shine those shields. Practice your remote control and desk arrangement skills. Because the Extroverts are coming, The Extroverts are coming and you need your defensive weapons more than ever.
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH is our battle cry!
Bitter Introvert Weapons Ben
Very funny satire! My father-in-law actually used a side view mirror that gave him a bird’s eye view of his driveway. He could sit on his vine covered back porch and look at the mirror to see who was knocking on the side door. if he didn’t want to deal with them, he sat quietly till they left.
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I think a lot of people really liked the idea of using a mirror to spy when people are coming near so they have some sort of evasive maneuver. Your father in law is using it in a great way.
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Oh how I needed this. I can always count on you to make me laugh Ben. It’s been a difficult weekend so this is perfect. ☺
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And you always have some funny things to say too. And yeah, it’s been a crazy couple of months, with getting ready to move and sell the house, so I get what you are saying!
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That whole mirror concept is pure genius! I’m going to start using any and all mirrors at my disposal for that very purpose, ASAP. 😀
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It’s a great method for knowing what people are coming near. I should have a few more situated in my cubicle.
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I totally get the room under the staircase thing. I wanted one of those so badly as a child and found a way to work one into almost all of my stories.
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Maybe I need to work one of those in my stories too. What I noticed in reading the comments of this post is that almost everyone mentioned the secret door/secret room. It’s pretty clear I need to start a secret room business and sell it to introverts.
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You are definitely on to something there.Just make sure your secret rooms have WIFI.
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I just looked it up on Google (for what that is worth) and it sounded like it means that you are discovering hidden or new parts of yourself (like discovering new talents). Interesting.
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?? What did you look up on Google exactly?
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I may have been blending your comment with another, but I googled what it means when you have a dream about hidden rooms. Sorry for the confusion.
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No problem. For a second there I thought you were googling “WIFI” and that just didn’t seem right. 🙂
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Yeah, I’m good at getting things confused. You should see me at work doing my job.
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When I was pregnant I invented the Nap Room under my desk. I took flattened large-ish cardboard boxes and made a little lean-to. I would wait for a lull in traffic and just pop myself in there, a la George Constanza (but without the shelf for a blanket). I still have my boxes and threaten to use them, but now my office is in a different place and the f’ing ethernet cables would run under my back. Dammit.
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That would be awesome. But we shouldn’t have to hide our naptime, they should just let us take them. It’s been proven that someone can take just a 15 minute nap and be way more productive (at least most other people anyway).
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It would certainly be my most productive 15 minutes each and every day.
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It would be my most productive two hours, but that’s just me.
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Oh. You’re one of those…..
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Not really. I am lazy, but I actually can do quite well on a 15 minute snoozer.
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Invest in one of those sticky cable raceways. On wall or under desk, cable issue solved. Messes with the IT dept. at same time.
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Ha! My husband is in IT. He’d never forgive me. Then again….
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Lmaooooo. This is great! The Mirrors got me. Totally genius!
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Mirrors are quite a defensive weapon. A cell phone would be a better one if we weren’t so busy using it to text and social media though.
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My tendency to please sometimes sabotages my efforts to isolate myself, It’s an inward battle, and I do war whisper “argh!” to myself. I currently work in a metal cubicle — a series of four back to back with another series of four cubes. We call it the Cell Block. In general, it’s private, but on occasion conversations start — through the metal walls — and though I roll my eyes and type loudly to indicate my complete lack of attentiveness, the yakking drones on and on and on. I don’t even mind when the jabberer leaves to talk elsewhere instead of work — just so I don’t have to hear it. A hidden room or just a solo office with my very own door to shut out the world would be living the dream…
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Yeah, being a people pleaser is exhausting, especially when you don’t really mean it. On the surface people might think I’m a normal, happy guy, but deep down, I’m going ARRRGGGHHH all the time when the aren’t looking.
Yeah, that cell block reminds me of many jobs I’ve had. They love to tell you how it’s just your little piece of customizable space, when really it’s just their little prison for 8-10 hours a day for you.
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Oh my! That is positively rich — and making me laugh despite being enclosed in this little “prison.” So true about at least thinking ARRRGGGGGHHHH in those people-pleasing moments.
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Just so people know that you might be doing what they ask, but you aren’t doing it willingly or happily.
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So don’t add the “it’s been my pleasure” at the end?
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I never say that. It would give me the shakes to ever say something like that.
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I’ve clearly been taught by Chick Fil-A employees and will try to remedy that training.
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I’ve never run into a Chick-Fil-A employee that sounded remotely helpful. Last year in the airport it took 7 employees to get my order done. 1 to take the order and complete it, 6 to stand around not telling me to have a good day, while a line formed behind me.
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Must be the southern restaurants. … That phrase is as standard here as “bless her heart.”
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It was in Michigan, but yeah, I guess it is pretty common in fast food restaurants.
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I enjoyed how you started off with something subtle like the reflections in a microwave door and immediately jumped to “Locks”. Very introvert of you! I approve.
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I’m not big into subtle transitions. I move from molehills to mountains pretty quickly. HA!
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This is amazing. Especially the secret room in the house. I dream of having a little hidden nook in my future house where I keep all my books and cozy blankets and hide from everyone all day. Perfect.
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I think the hidden door makers have lost out on a huge market of introverts that would gladly give their left arm (or at least a little money) for some good old fashioned alone time away from people.
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Seriously! Maybe I should get into that business…
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There really needs to be one. Maybe I could cut you in on a franchising opportunity?
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I agree with this completely! And I definitely want a hidden door in my house in the future. Those Scooby Doo shows and all of their hidden doors were inspiring! I also enjoy that you don’t like most people. Great article here.
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Yeah, people pretty much suck, especially ones that you work with. Especially when they talk to you. Now if someone invented hidden doors for cubicles, then they would be on to something.
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I’m an extrovert that could give sh*t all if you don’t like me. I find that ppl flock to me. 🙂
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So the only difference between me and you is that you are extroverted. I don’t care if people like me either!
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I have always wanted a secret door/ escape hatch! Now I know why!
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Yeah, I’ve always had dreams about them and I hope to someday incorporate them into my dream house.
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Me too!
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Must be a recurring introvert dream.
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I used to have a recurring dream about living in a house with lots of hidden rooms. I didn’t know what it meant…until now.
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You used to? I still have them. They are the best until I wake. My dream house would have all kinds of them.
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Maybe the dreams stopped because now that the kids are grown and moved away, I actually have rooms to hide in. They’re not hidden rooms per say, but the extra space is wonderful.
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Well, I just keep the dream alive for me then.
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I’ve always ALWAYS wanted a hidden door… Leading to my own little hidden room… Filled with hidden things. 😊
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Oh my gosh, yes. It would be the greatest. I get chills just thinking about it.
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I just need to find that money pot at the end of the rainbow!
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And then be able to find the ability to build such a room without anyone finding out about it!
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Yes the phone/text is a blessing for introverts. I have used it many times. I think our war cry is too loud, it will only call attention to us…aaargh, whispered might be a better choice.
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Yes, it would be way better to have a War Whisper, and that we all do it in our own cubicles.
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There you go…war whisper, love it.
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Like an introverts Braveheart. I would be quite the scene. Though we would mostly have our faces in our laptops or phones instead of running towards anything.
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lol, for sure!
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Remember though, if those extroverts are talking to you, you have some amount of control in the situation. You are perhaps stepping on a land mine and holding it down for your friends to pass by. When us extroverts find a similar minded cohort, who knows what it is going to happen. Unassuming, innocent introverts may be caught up in the interaction, like blades of grass in a small fire. Help the world; help restrain us with your level headed calmness. A free extrovert is a dangerous extrovert. Sometimes just yakking can purge us of our angst and restlessness. Introverts of the world are the true peacemakers. You have only to observe the balloon as the air groans out.
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Yes, we are the peacemakers, but only so the talking can stop and we can go back to our daydreaming and imagining. We like watching you guys roaming around, just not participating…
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God bless 😉
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You know it.
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I LOVE the hidden door! That is one of my dreams, too!!
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Yeah, I always hate waking up from those hidden rooms dreams.
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Right, well you do realize that if you had a hidden door in your house, the people who live with you would find out soon enough. Also, you’re not fooling anyone with that blanket fort around your cubicle. Your boss already know you’re in there.
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But I would enjoy that few moments of time when my family didn’t know. And maybe I could sneak in there right when I got home from work to take a short snooze before beginning the I’m home process.
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Yeah, good luck with that!
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I can be pretty sneaky sometimes. Never mind, it would be an epic fail.
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lmao love this, my phone is a huge weapon for me. Instead of making eye contact with people I pretend I’m texting. But I really do need to invest in a hidden door.
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The phone is a great weapon, you are right. When you need something to pull your eyes away, the phone is the best.
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