Weeds are more successful than me

/ bensbitterblog

 

I’ve always taken great pride in being really bad at things. I joke about how bad I am at math, but it really is amazing how I can’t even help my 6th grade daughter with her homework. She isn’t even to Algebra yet. I think it’s humorous how bad I am at fixing things or building things. The only thing I build is animosity.

Dad, can you help me with my math. Uhhhh...yeah of course. As soon as that probe comes back from Jupiter.

Dad, can you help me with my math. Uhhhh…yeah of course. As soon as that probe comes back from Jupiter.

I’ve only recently discovered that I can change a tire. But ask me to build a piece of furniture or change my own oil, screw something together or change a sparkplug and you’ve got one confused look on this face.

The thing I find most amusing about how pathetic I am is that my last name is Gardner, and I’m not gardener. In fact, I’ve probably gone out of my way to be bad at gardening, just to set up that sad irony.  I don’t even know the difference between a plant and a weed. I’m a complete fail when it comes to anything remotely green and grassy. On the other hand, weeds are really good at their job. So well, in fact, that weeds are way more successful than me in general.  For instance:

Showing you how to do it.

Showing you how I do it.

They grow fast – I’ve been around for 43 years and I’m still figuring out how to grow successfully. I make mistakes all the time and don’t learn from them. I still drop dishes, I haven’t learned to consistently throw my clothes in the hamper, and I still tell my family and friends the same jokes that aren’t funny again and again. On the other hand, weeds grow daily. Sometimes they even outgrow the plants.

They have persistence – You can’t get weeds down. Cut them down, insult them, mow them down with a weed wacker, lawn mower or weed killer and they are back up in a week, growing right along with the plant. But tell me no in an interview, or when I ask for a raise or even a new video game and my little feelers get hurt and I bitter things up so much that I dig myself a grief hole and bury it with dirt sadness.

They are good at camouflage – Weeds are so good at hiding that unless you have a horticulture degree, with a grass identification minor, you won’t be able to figure out which is which. And even if you think you know the difference, they make it dang near impossible to search and destroy them, by hanging out near all the good plants. I, on the other hand, would be the equivelant of a bright pink vest in a forest. If my life depended on me blending in a party, by pretending to have a good time, I would be the big Red Bullseye at a Target store with arrows pointing directly at me saying “Shoot here first! I demand that you shoot me!”

Weeds be like...

Weeds be like…

They easily adapt to their new work environment –  Weeds are the equivalent of a new guy coming in, telling a funny story and instantly being invited to an after work party. They find their new plant, learn the new color, shape and size of the plant and grow right along with them. Get a 401K, stock options and a corner office. As opposed to me, still trying to get someone to answer an email I sent 4 weeks ago or getting a word in edgewise when not sleeping in the meeting.

They have protections to keep people away – They don’t even have to be ninja’s if they don’t want to be. They can be brash and belligerant and downright rude if they want. Because they have an abrasiveness that you won’t want to deal with. They have thorns. Sticky thorns, that can tear your flesh up! You can mess with them, but they will give you the thorns. On the other hand, I can’t even get a door or a ceiling. I have no protection from the outside predators called co-workers except for my steely resting bitter face, which oblivious co-workers blaze right past.

They are good at enticing you to keep them around – They can continue to hang around even if they are worst jerks ever. You know why? They have blackberries. They are like that guy in the office that you want to beat to a bloody pulp, but they continue to be employed because they make the best brownies. Or every week they bring pizza and share. Or they continue to give you just enough of a raise to stay for “just one more year”. Me? I can’t even get my family to listen to my boring stories. Hmm, maybe if I told my co-workers my boring stories they would go away.

Please don't cut me down...I'll give you blackberries.....

Please don’t cut me down…I’ll give you blackberries…..

The moral of the story? Weeds are the worst. They annoy the heck out of you, they are always ruining your garden and they aren’t kind of prick..ully. But somehow they are successful and you are not. Maybe there isn’t a lesson here. Because bitter blogs don’t teach lessons. They just complain about how weeds are more successful. UGGGH.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Weed Be Better off as Enemies Ben

60 thoughts on “Weeds are more successful than me”

  1. Can’t believe it took me 5 minutes to find a bloody comment section. ridiculous start. ..as usual..anyways.. Thanks kind stranger (not for liking my post) for making my evening funnier than it usually is. And it usually is pretty grim as I plan tasks which I fail the next day (good luck with waking up at 7am for that morning yoga session that never ever happened).

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    • Yeah, my comments section is kind of difficult sometimes. Always causing people troubles. I apologize on his behalf.
      I’m sorry that I made you evening a little funnier. Usually, I try to help people become more bitter like myself. I guess I’ll try harder. And sorry about interrupting your yoga session. I know how much that is needed to make it through a bitter day of work.

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  5. You liked my latest post and I was kind of surprised and amused because as I wrote it I thought “Is this too bitter? Will people get my sarcasm and negativity and laugh at it, or just think I’m whiny and hate me…Oh well, I don’t care, that bitter blog guy would post this in a second and not think twice.” I’m glad it somehow wound up within your view. ANYWAY, because I wanted to tell you that I had to come comment on one of your posts, and because I kind of like to comment on things not just to talk to people but because of the post itself, I read your post. It’s insightful, bitter, and humorous as always. Good work sir, and thank you for reading my own bitter works.

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    • You should never question if something is too bitter, especially when writing to this guy.
      I’m always glad to read other people’s humorous and bitter takes on life. Not everything is sunshine and rainbows and I intend to tell people about that kind of stuff.

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      • No Ben, yours conveyed what it wanted to, and in the way you wanted to.
        I’m all for humor but it doesn’t go with my serious blog MW, some readers there do not digest humor so I started some new blogs. Wandering around with too many ideas whereas the tactfuls are winners here as also in life. Maybe I too need to learn from weeds 🙂

        When I discovered someone who wrote about weeds, like I did 🙂 I couldn’t resist mentioning…

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        • Bitterly speaking, it’s better the way you are doing now. WP staff also likes and rewards you for that. Not to under rate serious sermonizing stuff but it is everywhere and readers also lose interest.

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  8. You are good at things when you are passionate about something then your passion, interest and curiosity to know more will make you good. Weeds are strong because they have to survive in harsh conditions by themselves against all odds. It’s a bit like the saying: “When the going gets tough the though gets going” or: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. While garden flowers and plants are soft and weak because they are pampered, just like spoiled children that grow into weak adults.

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  9. Don’t worry: my sister can’t tell weeds from flowers. She once told my mom it’s so hard to keep the weed out, she’d tried everything. She then pointed to a weed growig steadily and went on exclaiming she was wondering what kind of plant it was, as she really liked the sights of it. Go figure. There’s always someone worse than you out there, Ben. Usually in my family, probably.

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  10. I once heard of a weed SO successful that the police, DEA, state governments, and Federal government did everything they could to seek it out and destroy it. I’ll never be successful enough to have the world spend billions of dollars looking for me if I go into hiding. And neither will you, Ben.

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  13. That’s why I’ve always said that the cereal “Wheaties” should be renamed “Weedies.” Then when people say, “You must have eaten your Weedies today”, it really would explain why it’s the Breakfast of Champions and can give you near-godlike superpowers.

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