The Purge

/ bensbitterblog
I was the athlete of the group.

I was the athlete of the group.

I don’t know about all you, but I was pretty popular in high school. I had loads of friends(two) and among them I was like the comedian/athlete meaning I really liked telling knock knock jokes and it only took me 15 minutes to run the mile compared to their 15:05’s. I had parties at my house all the time, like this one rager I had where the Hawaiian Punch was flowing and we were up to all hours of 10:04 pm. I don’t know how my parents survived my rebellious ways, or how I even got into college, but we were total rebels and fought the establishment telling us we needed to stop staying up till all hours of the PM.

But then it came time to grow and become more responsible. So I got serious and went to college and had to leave behind my childish and rebellious ways.

Before the ridiculously inexplicable movie franchise phenomenon called the Purge came onto the scene, purging was just another boring word that meant you needed to get rid of a lot of stuff. You know, like your high school persona, or your super hip fedora hat that every person envied. But you know, it feels good to let things go. So I did not.

Never let things go. Especially pizza.

Never let things go. Especially pizza.

I tried to grow up, because that is what you do in college, but that bad attitude toward authority and my rebellious spirit fought the establishment once more. Like one time, I showed up a minute late to my 7 am English class. And I totally stared down my English professor when his back was turned. By the end of the semester, he knew that I was the one in charge. Because of that, he gave me a C, which I totally didn’t deserve. I deserved a D, but he knew who was running the place.  And one time, I skipped breakfast, even though my parents paid for the cafeteria plan. You can’t hold a rebel like me down.

But then yada, yada, yada, I have a job and a house and a wife and kids and a house. See how everything worked out? No? Well that’s because I yadaed and that is where all the lessony stuff was.

The point is that there was some purging you had to do to get to where you are now. You have to learn how to edit creatively in order to get your audience to want more from you. Just like I purged this post from a 2000 word masterpiece into whatever this mess of a post is now, you have to purge your life of all the good things in order to have the mess of a life you have.  Sometimes, you throw away your original, authentic signed Declaration of Independence and your chance at wealth. Sometimes, when you are purging, you let that person who was nice to you, and had your best interests at heart and cared for you get away. Sometimes, you quit your comedy career four jokes short of that Hollywood casting agent came to see your act.

But don’t worry, purging is a good thing. It helps you get rid of the good and the bad at the same time. You may have had a vintage, mint condition baseball card collection or the Original Optimus Prime in his box that you could have sold for millions on EBay, but then again you got rid of that stupid shirt from 1980 that letter that girl used to break up with you.  So purging can sometimes be a good thing. Just not most of the time.

So, I urge you, now that summer is almost coming to it’s peak, Independence Day(at least here in Merica), I urge you get rid of things. Purge yourself. Rid yourself of all your valuables, so you can make room for some emptiness in your lives. Put all that useless currency in a black plastic bag at my house without asking any questions. Free yourself of the tyranny of a bank account, by transferring those funds to mine. Sign away the deed to your really nice house to me and go live in the forest with all your jungle friends. Doesn’t it just feel nice to be free for once? Like that 70 inch UHD TV you are going to sell me for free?

Enjoy your purge.

ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Purging Ben

 

52 thoughts on “The Purge”

  1. I think I’ll purge and give you my daughter’s room. She moved in with her boyfriend and left a bedroom that looks like she murdered a forest of trees and left their remains all over the place. On second thought, you can have her too.

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  3. There’s no way you meant it to be, and you might be scandalized that I took it this way, but your statement “purge yourself”, has resonated with me on a really deep level. Like, I think you’ve changed my life.

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  4. I just purged all my frickin baby stuff. So I guess that means my chances of getting pregnant are really high right now, because Murphy is a total Bitter asshole.

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  5. Well, does it count if I purge my youngest son’s bedroom? He moved out nearly a month ago, came back once to pick up some more stuff but left the remainder. Now I think he’s avoiding us because we might make him clean his room. Deep inside I know I have to do it, but he left behind his trophies and his framed memories (photos, sports paraphernalia, etc.) and seems to think I will keep the room as a shrine to him (i.e. clean it all up, get rid of the junk, buy a much more comfortable bed, redecorate the room just the way it is — just in case this whole adult thing does work out for him). I feel bitter about this. Any advice?

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  6. Purging is good. Streamline down to essentials.

    I was also unpopular in high school, btw. All of the cool kids were (that’s my rationalization and I’m sticking to it).

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  8. Oh how I would love to purge the old 5 million pound CRT television that’s become a permanent fixture in the corner of our dining room. Unfortunately, I’m too wimpy to budge it more than a couple of inches. Maybe I need a sledgehammer? Also, the basket on top of the old TV, which is filled with kids’ old sports trophies. But apparently, I’m not “allowed” to purge those, for “sentimental” reasons, or whatever. 😛

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  13. I’m bitter it’s not Friday yet. I’m bitter (now) that I don’t have a free beer and pizza buffet at my desk. I’m bitter that I didn’t sow more wild oats in my youth, and now all my oats are tame, domesticated oats, cooked into oatmeal or cookies. Now I’m bitter I don’t also have cookies to go with my pizza and beer. I’m bitter you didn’t go to college with me because I would have eaten your breakfast for you, and I don’t even have any oatmeal. Do I seem fixated on food? I’m also bitter I don’t have fried chicken & mashed potatoes and gravy I may be a little fixated, I’m bitter because I’m hungry and I’m working and I have to wait HOURS for lunch, which will be none of these things. Thanks for letting me purge my bitterness here. If not for your blog I’d be bitter because I didn’t have a place to purge my bitterness. Oh wait. I have my own blog. Which I’m bitter about because now I have to see if I can think of something to write about. 😀 If you have extra food and need to purge, bring it to Deon’s Bunker. It’s in a secret undisclosed location, but there’s an imaginary Deon sign revolving around over the doors.~Bitter Hungry Tame Deon

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  15. I purged my yard of weeds yesterday. If you want them, they are in the green plastic bag by the fence. I purge all my articles to 650 words. If you want the extra words, they can be found in any dictionary. You are welcome.

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  17. My mom tends to purge things that aren’t hers. Like my old diaries from 7th grade. I wish I still had them so that I can remind myself that I worried about ridiculous and frivolous things back in the day.

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