I see it everyday. Littered across different blogs, or on Instagram feeds, or even on the antiquated Facebook. Pictures of people with other people that aren’t in their family. Not people that they work with. They are smiling in photos, or happily sitting on beach chairs, or going on hikes through the woods, or playing sports together. If it’s a social media network that has a way to caption things on it, they put things like #besties or #bff or #friendsforlife. I don’t really understand these things. This phenomenon they call “friends”. What is their purpose? Why are they needed? Are they just for photos? Are they distractions from video games and laying on the couch? Are they just someone that ruins a perfectly good movie by talking to you? Or ruin a perfectly good dinner by making you pay for it? Or ruin a perfectly good paycheck by borrowing money against it? I’ll show you what I think a friend is. View the short video above to find my answer and then the gifs below for more clues…
A friend is there….
…to laugh at you, when you are feeling down.
A friend is there…
…to snatch away the long wanted baseball at the last moment.
A friend is there…
…to abandon you when you accomplish your greatest achievements.
A friend is there…
…to tackle you just when you are feeling safe.
A friend is there…
…at all your games to help you feel supported.
A friend is there…
…to record the highlights of your life.
A friend is there to…
…help you achieve heart attacks at an earlier age.
A friend is there…
…to stealthily mooch all your food and drinks.
A friend is there…
…outdo you in every competition.
A friend is there…
…to let you know what is acceptable to wear to an occasion.
A friend is there…
…to help you waste time.
And last of all a friend is there to…
…praise you for your sick dance moves.
So don’t forget to tell your friends how much they mean to you this weekend. At least that is what people tell me you are supposed to tell them. Don’t forget to tell them how much you’ve missed their practical jokes at your expense or tell them how glad you were that they were moving just when you were starting to become best buds, or how they are always there for you when you need money…to be taken from you wallet. I’ll stick with my best friend…pizza.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Friend Pizza Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Hang on, I think I’m in that slumber party.
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Are you the caterpillar? That must have been a riot.
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the last trainstop I wuzz@ wuzz “far side” — about pizza, uv coarse. & there “here”, the bitterist spawtawn the internet. all those, uh, people, in caterpillar/pupae/fuzzy-spurm costumes? what da heck izzat? but there was, berleave it or else, a thought (or sumtin like a thought, I think) goin’ thru’ my mined as I read/viewed (mostly) the above: you (ben the Bitterrurr) have a lotta time on yore hands. sometimes I wished I did, ’cause when I do, something happens, like one of our Inux fell over! (committed suicide, it did), and then spousie-poo comes home with a box of NEW PLANTS (& if I don’t help she’ll not only glare at me, she’ll give the grimacing of my recent lifetime, and I’ve gotten even more pathetic than ever, and can’t handle that). oh, yeah … you and your hands and all that time, and I suspect … uncompen$ated?
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Yep, way uncompensated. That’s why I’m so bittur.
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Your friend is better than all of my friends.
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Plus all my friends can be summed up in a gif. We should get your friends and my friends together at burning man and then they can all become friends and we can be better off friendless without them.
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I’d love to be better off, but there’s no way you’re getting me to burning man!
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There is no way I’m going to Burning Man either. Just send off all the people we don’t care about there.
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Wonder if I qualify for “bitter” since I have no friends…. 🙂
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You can definitely use that as a basis for bitterness. I do all the time. Then again I use every slight as a basis of bitterness.
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You make me laugh–which definitely takes the bitter edge off slight bitterness 🙂
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I got the edges taken off this week. The edges off my hair, and the edges taken off our lawn, now if I could just get the edges taken off my nerves.
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Oh gosh….good job on the “chores”…the last one is often kind of “iffy”, isn’t it….Maybe you could just lie down and let the world run itself for a day? 🙂
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Yeah, that would be a good idea, but some people in my family kind of depend on me. Maybe if I had some couch camouflage.
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There ya go–invent that, make a billion and you’re set!
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That would be great. Then I could blog from my private office…building and be bitter about all my billionaire problems.
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You’re too much 🙂
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I wish I could say that about my finances.
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🙂
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That guy doing a flip just so he can mooch a drink? He’s my freaking hero. I would totally do that for shrimp. Hmm. I just realized that you and I should never order a pizza topped with shrimp. Or, we should, and we should film what happens. And then post it on social media with the caption “Bitter Besties Break Bad.” Awesome.
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Now that video would go viral. Can you imagine the epic battle that would happen for ownership of that pizza. It would be better than Captain America vs. Iron Man. Or Batman vs. Superman. And if it made the Today Show, we would get our own action figures.
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I want to write OMG WHO THE FUCK CARES under those pictures. If you ask me it’s imaginary celebrity syndrome and a way for them to get narcissistic supply. I am off fakebook and oh my the amount of time that i got you have no idea
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Yeah, those instagram photos with all the hashtags don’t mean anything to me. I just like looking at the embarrassing pics they are going to have to explain to their kids who subscribe to their instagram feed.
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millions of hashtags and attention whores. i want to make an instagram named ”i follow bad instagram accounts” and start following them to see what happens.
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That you should do. I almost started one called blurry pictures, but everyone would probably tell me I was using the wrong filters.
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you need to be more specifically overcritical otherwise it won’t have the desired effects
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Yeah, you are right. I think I could get more negative attention if I took more selfies. Cause guys are absolutely forbidden from taking them.
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i think narcissists are like parrots. For a parrot even negative attention is positive attention, that’s why they are hella hard to train. The only thing you can do when they get quack is to leave the room immediately. So normal trolling won’t have effects, you need to be kinda raid boss troll.
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My co-worker next to me must be a narcissist then because I can argue with him all day and he still thinks he’s the greatest. I can make fun of him all day, and it has no effect because he is so non self aware.
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you are feeding him with high quality supply because in his infected brain, he must be really great since you waste your time and space to convince him. Start ignoring him. If you can’t slay the orc, starve it.
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I should just ignore him, but he makes it way too easy to mock him.
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You’ve made me crave pizza today with this post.
Your work here is done, you can retire happy.
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I can make you crave pizza just about any day of the week. If that is all it takes I could have retired when I was a newborn.
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I’ll be your BFF if you provide PFF (Pizza For Forever).
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I’m afraid we would have a hard time, because I would have pizza all the time, but I don’t like sharing, especially with my family and friends.
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Can’t say that I blame you.
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I just get a little defensive when it comes to my pizza.
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I promise to never friend you. You’re welcome.
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That is so nice! Thanks!
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That guy stole my dance moves.
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See? He doesn’t even have original moves. He stole them from you. 🙂
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Dammit, due to this crappy diet I’m on, I’m temporarily estranged from my best friend, Box of Wine.
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Why would you do that kind of thing to your best friend? No diet is worth that.
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I’m testing the limits of friendship. Don’t rub it in.
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That is a pretty mean thing to do to your best friend. Ignoring her like that.
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“Are they just someone that ruins a perfectly good movie by talking to you?” Yes. This. All the time this. This is why I have punched all my friends in the face at one time or another.
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That is why I go to the movies alone. And the last two I’ve gone to, I had the whole movie theater to myself. Like my own private screening.
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1) Is that your dog? It must be 😉
2) The man/woman (can’t tell) in the caterpillar suit is seriously making me cry tears of laughter :’)
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1) The theory is that I was that dog in a previous life. His name is even Ben!
2) The guy in the caterpillar suit is me.
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1 & 2) Whahahahahaha :’)
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IkR! I feel terrible if my “friend” unfriends me…who knows, we might have met one day.
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Yeah my best friends are people on WordPress, ones I’ve never met. The ones that I’ve met have already betrayed me and will get their Facebook posts ignored.
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I hate people I know, they make me so bitter. I love the friends I will never meet. they are nice.
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That’s true. It’s the people that I’ve never met that are my friends. Until I meet them.
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haha, same here! so funny!
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Meeting people in person ruins everything. IE Blind dating.
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ye gad, yes…good example.
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I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed than I was about a blind date. Meeting someone you built up in your head, then meeting them. Ugggh.
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I have not been on a blind date actually. I think it might be a little awkward but you never know, might turn out to be a gem.
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One time I started an email thing back and forth with one for about a month, and she came to town for a weekend, and I had to spend a good part of the day with her after immediately having no chemistry at all with her.
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ahhh! that is not good! I guess you couldn’t have gotten a call from a sick grandma or anything? bitter, so bitter!
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I should have gone ill, but I felt bad. The worst part was that her brother was the one that set me up with her and he was kind of expecting me to go to church the next day with them. Ughh. I definitely called in sick for that one.
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you are too funny!:)
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And she wasn’t..which is why I started reconsidering blind dates after that.
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You never know, you might meet a winner! 🙂
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I already met my wife, so thank goodness that dating thing ended. And I didn’t even need someone to set me up with her. I just had to play basketball with her.
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That’s fabulous! Sounds like a great lady!
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Yep, she even lets me take naps every once in a while.
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she is a winner!
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Yep. I’m pretty useless without her.
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ahh, bitter too.
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But Ben…I thought you and I were BFF’s!! I mean, you always told me a friend was there to remind you to be bitter at least 3 times a week and I thought we were besties! Now who is this Pizza guy and what can I do to reclaim my place in your heart?
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We were until you decided to go on hiatus, and then BFF became Bitter Friends Fornever. However, if you have some pizza delivered, that can be upgraded pretty quick.
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See now, back to the pizza! And once that comes I’m sure you’ll just forget about me again!
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Pretty much, but I get a pizza out of it. And anytime a pizza comes, we’ll be best friends again. My best friendship isn’t that expensive.
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Okay, how about you get pizza and I get chocolate?
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Yeah, that sounds about right.
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