The Big Daddy of them all

/ bensbitterblog
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Uh, you forgot butter on the toast. 

I don’t know if you know this but today is Father’s Day and you know what that means. Two little kids owe me some breakfast in bed and a new jet ski because of all that fathering I’ve been doing for them ever since they became my little tax deductions, uh little wonderful kids. They know where their bitter bread is buttered. Or at least there better be some buttered toast with the eggs and bacon they make me later. They know if they don’t do something special for me tomorrow, then I’m going to make them work 60 hours a week at their jobs instead of the normal 40 they have to work. I mean they are 8 and 11, for goodness sakes. Time for them to start pulling their weight around here.

In the end, Father’s Day has never been about the breakfast, or even the love and affection people have about their father’s.  It’s all about the gifts and lemme tell you they better be good. I mean, you should see some of the awesome gifts I got my dad.

Last year I made him a macaroni portrait with my crayons, and he told me I did such a great job almost staying in the lines on that one. Another time I got him a lecture-a-day clock. It was an amazingly awesome passive aggressive gift that simultaneously made him laugh and made him bitter for implying that he ever lectured me. But you know, at least he found two new lectures that he hadn’t thought of yet. And of course, there was that one year I got him a Father’s Day card. He totally gave my siblings bitter stares that year because they only get him a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant that year. Talk about unappreciative siblings.

It wasn't near as good as this, and not in the lines, but dad thought it was great.

It wasn’t near as good as this, and not in the lines, but dad thought it was great.

But this year, I am going to get him the best gift ever (besides of course this blog post in his honor). I’m going to give him the gift of invention. I’m going to invent a really awesome product that will not only make me rich, but also famous.  Once it becomes an international phenomenon, I will give him one of the products at 10% off. Because I’m generous like that. Don’t ever say I’m not generous, dad.

And here’s the best gift of all dad. A dad’s revenge. I’VE BECOME YOU. Your Granddaughter calls me old just like I call you old. I’ve got some gray hairs, just like yours. I tell my kids, “No more cookies!” just like you used to say to me. And best of all for YOU, when I tried to tell my daughter a funny pun the other day, she said, “Nice DAD Joke!” Thanks for everything, dad. By the way, I need to borrow about a million dollars for my invention. Happy Father’s Day!

Hey dad, Happy Father's Day and SHOW ME THE MONEEEEEYYYY!

Hey dad, Happy Father’s Day and SHOW ME THE MONEEEEEYYYY!

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

No mon, no fun, your son Bitter Ben

63 thoughts on “The Big Daddy of them all”

  1. My husband made his first dad joke the other day! I told him that one of our sons ate his whole bottle (we had twins this time around), and he said, “Wow… Isn’t the glass bad for them?”

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  3. I wish your dad and your kids had left some bitter comments… otherwise, this was perfectly bitter. 🙂 Why does bitter make me so happy? Is it like homeopathy for emotions?

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    • My dad did actually leave a comment. If you look down there in the comments, he is the one that says, “Too bad, so sad, your dad.” That is in response to my thing at the end that said, “No mon, no fun, your son.” It’s basically a dad joke between two old dads.

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      • Ah! I saw that comment but found it as meaningless as all those faces symbols — until your commenter interpreted them for you. Well, now I feel more bitterly fulfilled.

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        • True. I used to teach and sort of but not really mis-hear comments or questions from students to make them bitter (or laugh). That’s sort of like making sense of life out of context. Speaking of out of context, can I ask you a question about how you use Twitter, bloglovin’, social media, etc. to get your blog out there? (I’ve been snooping around trying to figure out how to bitter up my own blog. You seem to have all the answers.)

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        • I love to make statements out of context just to see if people are listening or for comedic effect.
          As far as your question about other social media, I say it depends on how popular you are on other places. I’ve found that I do most of my social media to support the blog because it is my most popular. When I first started, I had almost no following for the first year. I finally started using Reader and found that my main audience is WordPress bloggers, because they comment and like. But if you have a strong following on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest, most surely use those to get many views. WordPress is kind of a give and take. If you read/follow/comment/like on others, you will find they start doing the same to you. If it is likes and comments you like, WordPress is for that. If it is views you want, Facebook, etc are for that. People might read your stuff but not have a blog, so they can’t really like/follow/comment. It takes a little time, but if you are out there on WordPress, followers will come.
          Another thing is content. I post 4 to 5 times a week and almost always post at the same time. Usually when I post something, I will then go to other people I follow and read/comment on theirs. Then you get some back and forth and they become regulars. I’m always trying to find blogs that are similar to mine in sarcasm/sense of humor, because you figure they would like your stuff etc.
          Also to answer your question about the media etc. I always try to deliver a consistent message on all the other social media platforms. I tweet funny/bitter tweets, on Instagram I post funny/bitter messages, etc. Does this answer your question or am I going in a different direction?

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        • No. That is perfect. … or perfectly bitter if you prefer. 🙂 Really. How do you use bloglovin? I use Reader for following and finding blogs. Do you use bloglovin for that too? Or do you just crosspost?

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        • From what I recall, you have to set up an account for Bloglovin’ and then it connects to your blog and everytime you post it should post over there. I have all my social media’s set up so they connect to all of them each time I post. I think you can do that in the settings somewhere. If you want me to look I can get back to you on that.

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        • Thanks so much. I will check it out and circle back with more questions if I need help. You have been bitterly kind and wise. I am embittered. Actually, embettered. 🙂

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  4. Happy (belated) Father’s Day. I gave my husband the gift of sleep – sort of. I bought him a deluxe folding cot for his new swanky office he’s getting. No more whinging on about sleep deprivation!

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  6. Hahaha, loved this post :’)
    I bought my dad a big bottle of Bacardi Reserva (I asked him what he wanted and this is his favourite), and then he got down with gout and now he can’t drink 😦

    But! Since I am such a good daughter, I’ll help him finish the rum anyway. Because that’s how I was raised: to be helpful. And thirsty.

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  7. A gift certificate to a fancy restaurant? How thoughtless! They probably don’t even have menus with pictures and straws for their sodas. Your card was clearly the winner that year. Happy Dads’ Day!

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        • i had in mind a ”follow-this-awsome-blog-i-found” kind of campaign. It combines successfully the archetype of the avenger figure with some real first world problems and a dog. Especially the dog. Feel free to add/remove stuff, that’s the main idea.

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        • Yeah, I have a book in the works and have thought about making my blog into one (I certainly have enough material), but followers are nice thing to grow too. From what I read on your blog, there is some good material that I think people would be interested in. If I were you, I would start scanning the humor/sarcasm/first world problem categories on the Reader and start finding blogs similar to yours and comment/like/subscribe. That is how I’ve built mine up over time, and always comment back, like other people’s stuff and your base will slowly build.
          And add pictures and gifs to your posts as that definitely attracts people to your site.

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        • how long did it take you to get the following you have today? and how many hours approximately you dedicate to your blog?

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        • It took well over a year, before I got to where I was a presence of WordPress. I just started looking around at what other popular blogs were doing and seeing what I could glean from them. And it’s pretty embarrassing the amount of time I spend on my blog. But it is a passion (that and writing) so I don’t mind putting other less interesting or important things like work behind it in my priority list. As far as time, I spend usually an hour doing a post (4-5 posts a week), several hours commenting and looking at other blogs, and in my mind, I’m always thinking about post ideas (my drafts and phone are littered with ideas). It’s all about your passion for a thing. If you do this because you love it, then you will find that the amount of time you spend on it will match that.

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