I’ve played video games my whole life. Sure the graphics were kind of cloudy in the beginning, but that’s because my bitter vision hadn’t quite developed as well as my lungs did that first day. I remember doing a lot of screaming that day, but it was mostly because I couldn’t even get past the first level of Mario Bros. I got a bitter look or two from my parents because they thought I could have been doing something more productive things like pooping or eating. With a lot of practice I got a lot better at being lazy, and figuring out cheat codes so I didn’t have to try so hard to get past the final bosses. Fighting games were never my favorite, because while I could easily defeat an opponent by hitting random buttons. I could never do the cool combo’s like ripping off someone’s spine or saying “Get over here!” because I wasn’t good at figuring out the combo’s. To me, there are good combo’s like like Pizza and Friday’s or Me and naps. But there are a lot of other combo’s that bring bitterness to a whole new level(Get it? Video games? Level?).
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and time – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have long claimed that they are this magical combo that happened when someone was chowing down on a Hershey’s Bar and another person was eating like a pig out of their peanut butter jar and somehow they collided. Yes, two people happen to always be so oblivious to each other that they just happen to run into each other with their chocolate and peanut butter. Regardless of the legend, some people think they taste good together. I happen to be one of those people…when they are new and fresh and not a month old. If you ever happen to get some Easter ones for Halloween, DO NOT PROCEED TO EAT THEM. The peanut butter is all sad and the chocolate is all crumbly and the only positive thing they do together is give you heartburn. And the only positive thing about heartburn is it helps you forget about your real problems for a little bit, until it wears off and you are reminded about how bitter you are.
Introverts and Parties – Parties love people to be the life of them. They love people to start them. They love loud boisterous talking, out of controlness and music played so loudly that your neighbors come over to yell at you so they can secretly envy you. They want houses to be destroyed and lives to be ruined all for the sake of it being a cool one. As soon as an introvert steps on the premises, Party senses itself slowly dying. Noo!!! They will sit in a corner eating curds and whey! No, they will find the nearest couch to sit on, the closest person to ignore, the smallest talk to avoid. They want no part of the party and they will do everything in the world to avoid it. Party will try to entice introvert in by inviting one possible acquaintance that they might feel comfortable with talking to, only to pull the acquaintance into something else. Party wants introvert gone. Introvert wants to leave party and be its pooper. But they are stuck with each other until introverts extrovert finally decides to leave because the only people they can annoy is all the introverted party poopers left.
Chicago Cubs and World Series – They just don’t get together much. It might be because of the whole “we won’t play at night because we can’t afford lights” or it could be that they won’t cut the ivy off the walls back there, or because they were waiting for the 2015 prediction from Back to the Future to come true, but they just seem to despise each other. The Cubs must have done something really mean to the World Series to have let the Florida Marlins to come and play in it twice despite only being in their early 20’s. Perhaps it was a woman or a business deal gone wrong or the fact that the Cubs still have grown into a full grown Bear(or Lion or whatever it’s supposed to grow up to be) despite the fact that it is over 100 years old. I guess they just don’t see eye to claw.
Phones and Me – I’m still pretty upset that Alexander Graham Bell worked so hard on this invention. He didn’t think about the fact that people don’t like to talk other people would be forced to hold this device up to their ears and mouth and talk to someone they couldn’t see? Why would he think I would ever want to stare at a wall and talk to someone that is falling asleep 1000’s of miles away? Why would he think I would want to listen to someone drone on about their problems to me on a device that alerts me with a loud Pavlov dog like ring that can give someone a heart attack? Why would he invent something that is the least used app on the smartphone and one that almost no one uses? Why would he invent something that is associated with rejection (girls rejecting me for dates, jobs rejecting me from getting them, me rejecting telemarketers). Why didn’t he just invent texting? Then we could have skipped the whole hearing of other people’s voices. And I’m sure he would be pretty sad that he invented this whole phone thing, just so that in 2015, the only use for it is telemarketing.
Wind and Snow – Wind is a tricky little devil. Sometimes it hangs out in tropical locations, slowly whispering sweet nothings in people’s ears, causing them to be so thankful for its gentleness as they relax in the sun near a beach. It will blow the water and make waves for the happy little island adventurers. Then it gets a little too enthusiastic and a little wired and all of a sudden, it’s knocking down wires. Pushing trees in the road, knocking out my electricity, turning umbrellas inside out, blowing hats off of unsuspecting hat wearing people, and rattling even cars and houses. Snow is also a tricky devil. When it first comes along, it likes to show up on a nice holiday weekend, causing joyous holiday revelers to jump with excitement at its light, white fluffy marshmallow looking puffiness. Then, when it settles in for the winter, it likes to stay. It builds drifts and forts and then it turns different colors, black and yellow and sometimes even grey. It’s not happy only hanging out on the top of mountains and at ski resorts. It likes to ruin roads, and vacations and tree branches. Then wind gets jealous and blows snow around. And all their confrontation causes cold and bitter and accidents and power outages and misery.
My Wallet and anything I need at the time – My wallet is full. It has some little bills with ones on it, and credit cards, gift cards, library cards, Regal Cinemas cards, Costco and Sam’s Club cards, Red Robins cards, and Albertson’s and Safeway Cards and medical cards, and movie tickets from movie seen 8 months ago, and even a driver’s license. It is stacked to the gills with things I might need “just in case”. What it doesn’t ever have is the thing I need right now. Need my target card? Just took it out yesterday. Need my driver’s license? Gave it to a clerk and forgot to get it back. Need that free movie ticket that is expiring tomorrow? Left in the drawer when the wallet got cleaned out. Need to pay $1 million dollars in cash for your dream home that is about to be sold to your bitter rival? Only butterflies coming out of the old wallet.
My blog and good endings.
ARRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Combos Ben
I hate Alexander Graham Bell too. What in the hell was he thinking? Know what you mean about Reeses that have been around too long. Have a great Wednesday night on the couch hogging the remote. 🙂
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I wish that I was hogging the remote that night, but alas as always, I’m the last in line for the remote.
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The telephone was invented so we wouldn’t have to look like crazy assholes talking to ourselves. Now we can look like we’re talking to someone else. Because sure. Sure I am.
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That makes a whole lot of sense to me. Though I think it was more for us to be able to ignore people at parties, but it took until the smartphone era to get it to work that way.
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I always wondered about those commercials people who wander around eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Eating peanut butter straight from the jar is a fine idea, I’ve learned, but walking around doing it? It’d be safer if they just stuffed their hand in the jar, rolled it around, and wandered with a giant peanut-butter-mitten they occasionally chew a clump off of. Plus they’d have the other hand free to text with.
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I always ate peanut butter from a jar and ate chocolate from a bar, but I was always really careful to not combine them when they were both from Easter.
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You know what else made a really weird combo? Bruce Willis and Demi Moore.
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Yeah, they made Rumer Willis which, wow, what can you say about her?
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Isn’t the phone The Worst? I try to delete that app from my iPhone and it won’t let me.
Who wants to talk to people??? Nobody. Not me.
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The worst. No matter how much I don’t want it to ring, it keeps ringing. Telemarketers must have some sort of bitter GPS on my phone so they can call and prank me all day, with their credit card offers and sob stories about animals in Africa.
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I’m an introverted Cubs fan…doomed!
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That is a lot of things to be bitter about. Maybe you should start a blog or something and try to become the second best bitter blogger. Oh wait you do have a blog.
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You mean I used to have a blog… Haven’t worked on it and its going to bitter seed! Just put out a call on FB for guest bloggers… In case this gives you any bitter ideas 🙂
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When’s the last time you wrote something on there? At least a year ago right? I think I wrote a guest post more recently. Get back to it! I don’t think I’m on your facebook?
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Your not on my FB but you certainly could be 🙂 I’m on as Sue Shandross Powers.
Me write one? Hahaha
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I’m on your Facebook now. So are you still working on your books then?
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Hilarious! My favorite is the section on telephones. I’m not much one for phones myself.
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I’m not sure who really likes to talk on the phone, but I do know that I’d like to go back in time and discourage Alexander Graham Bell. Maybe have him change his name to Alexander Graham Text.
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I’m the bitter introvert at the party! The bitterest combo there is!
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I would be the guy sitting in corner looking at my watch, waiting for my wife to stop talking to weirdos.
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Ha Ha! Bless her, at least I would have SOMEONE to talk to! Meanwhile you could sit there stewing in your bitterness!
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She takes a lot of grenades for me. She talks to people that I wouldn’t want to talk to in a million years and just fake grins her way right through it, and I just give up and sit on the couch in the corner, not caring about someone’s new hair cut.
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I came for the blog name alone, I stayed for the bitter posts! Well done, bitter dude. Well done. 🙂
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Well that is how I hook them in. I find those people that love illiteration and then do bitter posts they can relate to. Feel free to donate to my cause to become the world’s bitterest millionaire.
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And feel free to donate to my cause, just ‘be-cause’? 🙂 Cheers, or does that suck to say here?
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Reminds me of when Micheal Scott tries to fire Toby but he can’t he doesn’t have cause. Micheal of course says, Be-cause I hate him.
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This is was a terrible day. I came here and read this and now it is a tolerable terrible day. Thank you for that!
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I am usually the one that gives people headaches (my co-workers, my wife) so you may be hallucinating. Go back to work and be bitter!
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I have eaten month old Reese’s. They are still chocolate you know.
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But bitter broken down sad chocolate. Not my bitter cup of tea.
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That’s true but better than no chocolate. Actually I have these two monkey in my house and Ben, I know you have similar monkeys in yours!! Anyway, these monkeys are not good! They eat almost ALL the chocolate and if I eat any I am in BIG trouble Ben!! BIG TROUBLE!! Anyway, if I see it is in there for a month or more, I know it is okay to eat it because it’s been in there so long they are no longer interested in it. Such is my fate.
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I prefer bitter chocolate myself. Yes, my kids are always eating the best treats in the house meaning angry bitter dad most of the time. My favorite is when I leave the house seeing 12 donuts and coming back to -12. They are terrible at math but seem to figure out how to make 12 go to -12 fast.
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Wow, that’s crazy!! -12 donuts!! I didn’t know there was such a thing!
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All of a sudden when it comes to eating donuts they can somehow add.
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I think subtract is more like it.
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Yes, they are good at “taking away” too.
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Haha clever! My first experience with video games was on the Nintendo 64. Now, no one ever wanted to play Mario Kart with me because I always won and in the event that I didn’t win I became quite the spiteful little girl, 😆 Win the game, get out alive combo! 😛
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I’ve played a lot of Mario Kart but never been particularly good at it. My seven year old is way better. Nowadays you have to be able to drift like a madman if you want any chance not to lose online.
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Here’s a little secret. If you are losing just sit on one of those boxes and spam blue shells and lightning bolts! 😀 They may win, but they are going to work for it if I have anything to say about it! 3:)
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Yes, a great strategy. If you can’t win, troll the winner, thus making everyone bitter! Next time I play my son, he’s getting blue shelled!
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Hehehe, yusss! Do it, trust me it feels amazing, haha!
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I can’t wait to get revenge on my son tonight!
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Hehehe!! I’m excited for you! Laughing just thinking about it! 😀
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I know right? He won’t know what hit him (well, he will after I do it). Speaking of video games, do you like them or just Mario Kart? I ask because I don’t know if you’ve ever heard about Video Game High School, but it is an awesome YouTube series. I just finished the third season and it was awesome. If you ever have time check it out!
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I do like video games! Not just Mario Kart, lol. I’m on Steam too, I play a few games on there. I’ll check that out Video Games High School on Youtube?
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Yep, it’s on YouTube. Just type in Video Game High School. It’s awesome.
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Okay, got it. I’ll check it out! 🙂
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Great post, as always. You mind revising the phone paragraph? There’s a sentence in there that’s a bit mixed up. Also, I want a hamster ball, where do I get one?
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I tried to revise it and it just made it worse. Oh well, at least both you and me don’t ever have to read that bane of humanity like paragraph again. Perhaps a bitter combo would be me and grammar.
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Good list. I’d be super bitter too if I was expecting a chocolate-pb treat and I got was an old, crumbly mess.
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I just hate when they get old. Of course when the easter ones are laying around at Christmas, I should expect that.
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HAHAA! “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have long claimed that they are this magical combo that happened when someone was chowing down on a Hershey’s Bar and another person was eating like a pig out of their peanut butter jar and somehow they collided. ”
I just started laughing out loud when I read this, and I can’t seem to stop. A couple of tears have come out of my eyes, too. The way you put it so nonchalantly is cracking me up!
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Well, I’m sorry I made you cry. That happens a lot when I talk to victims, uh, I mean other people.
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