Bitter Combo’s

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Bitter Combinations

We go together like Soda and Chocolate.

I’ve played video games my whole life.  Sure the graphics were kind of cloudy in the beginning, but that’s because my bitter vision hadn’t quite developed as well as my lungs did that first day.  I remember doing a lot of screaming that day, but it was mostly because I couldn’t even get past the first level of Mario Bros.  I got a bitter look or two from my parents because they thought I could have been doing something more productive things like pooping or eating.   With a lot of practice I got a lot better at being lazy, and figuring out cheat codes so I didn’t have to try so hard to get past the final bosses.  Fighting games were never my favorite, because while I could easily defeat an opponent by hitting random buttons. I could never do the cool combo’s like ripping off someone’s spine or saying “Get over here!” because I wasn’t good at figuring out the combo’s.  To me, there are good combo’s like like Pizza and Friday’s or Me and naps.  But there are a lot of other combo’s that bring bitterness to a whole new level(Get it? Video games? Level?).

Bad Combo.

Bad Combo.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and time – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have long claimed that they are this magical combo that happened when someone was chowing down on a Hershey’s Bar and another person was eating like a pig out of their peanut butter jar and somehow they collided.  Yes, two people happen to always be so oblivious to each other that they just happen to run into each other with their chocolate and peanut butter.  Regardless of the legend, some people think they taste good together.  I happen to be one of those people…when they are new and fresh and not a month old.  If you ever happen to get some Easter ones for Halloween, DO NOT PROCEED TO EAT THEM.  The peanut butter is all sad and the chocolate is all crumbly and the only positive thing they do together is give you heartburn.  And the only positive thing about heartburn is it helps you forget about your real problems for a little bit, until it wears off and you are reminded about how bitter you are.

See what Reese's start to look like when you wait too long?

See what Reese’s start to look like when you wait too long?

Introverts and Parties – Parties love people to be the life of them.  They love people to start them.  They love loud boisterous talking, out of controlness and music played so loudly that your neighbors come over to yell at you so they can secretly envy you.  They want houses to be destroyed and lives to be ruined all for the sake of it being a cool one.  As soon as an introvert steps on the premises, Party senses itself slowly dying.  Noo!!! They will sit in a corner eating curds and whey! No, they will find the nearest couch to sit on, the closest person to ignore, the smallest talk to avoid.  They want no part of the party and they will do everything in the world to avoid it.  Party will try to entice introvert in by inviting one possible acquaintance that they might feel comfortable with talking to, only to pull the acquaintance into something else.  Party wants introvert gone.  Introvert wants to leave party and be its pooper.  But they are stuck with each other until introverts extrovert finally decides to leave because the only people they can annoy is all the introverted party poopers left.

Get out my hamster ball!

Get out my hamster ball!

Chicago Cubs and World Series –  They just don’t get together much.  It might be because of the whole “we won’t play at night because we can’t afford lights” or it could be that they won’t cut the ivy off the walls back there, or because they were waiting for the 2015 prediction from Back to the Future to come true, but they just seem to despise each other.  The Cubs must have done something really mean to the World Series to have let the Florida Marlins to come and play in it twice despite only being in their early 20’s.  Perhaps it was a woman or a business deal gone wrong or the fact that the Cubs still have grown into a full grown Bear(or Lion or whatever it’s supposed to grow up to be) despite the fact that it is over 100 years old.  I guess they just don’t see eye to claw.

Don't worry, no one living has met a Cubs world series either.

Don’t worry, no one living has met a Cubs world series either.

Phones and Me – I’m still pretty upset that Alexander Graham Bell worked so hard on this invention.  He didn’t think about the fact that people don’t like to talk other people would be forced to hold this device up to their ears and mouth and talk to someone they couldn’t see?  Why would he think I would ever want to stare at a wall and talk to someone that is falling asleep 1000’s of miles away?  Why would he think I would want to listen to someone drone on about their problems to me on a device that alerts me with a loud Pavlov dog like ring that can give someone a heart attack?  Why would he invent something that is the least used app on the smartphone and one that almost no one uses?  Why would he invent something that is associated with rejection (girls rejecting me for dates, jobs rejecting me from getting them, me rejecting telemarketers).  Why didn’t he just invent texting? Then we could have skipped the whole hearing of other people’s voices.  And I’m sure he would be pretty sad that he invented this whole phone thing, just so that in 2015, the only use for it is telemarketing.

And the next day.

And the next day.

Wind and Snow –  Wind is a tricky little devil.  Sometimes it hangs out in tropical locations, slowly whispering sweet nothings in people’s ears, causing them to be so thankful for its gentleness as they relax in the sun near a beach.  It will blow the water and make waves for the happy little island adventurers.  Then it gets a little too enthusiastic and a little wired and all of a sudden, it’s knocking down wires.  Pushing trees in the road, knocking out my electricity, turning umbrellas inside out, blowing hats off of unsuspecting hat wearing people, and rattling even cars and houses. Snow is also a tricky devil.  When it first comes along, it likes to show up on a nice holiday weekend, causing joyous holiday revelers to jump with excitement at its light, white fluffy marshmallow looking puffiness.  Then, when it settles in for the winter, it likes to stay.  It builds drifts and forts and then it turns different colors, black and yellow and sometimes even grey.  It’s not happy only hanging out on the top of mountains and at ski resorts.  It likes to ruin roads, and vacations and tree branches.  Then wind gets jealous and blows snow around.  And all their confrontation causes cold and bitter and accidents and power outages and misery.

I will have nun of this!

I will have nun of this!

My Wallet and anything I need at the time – My wallet is full.  It has some little bills with ones on it, and credit cards, gift cards, library cards, Regal Cinemas cards, Costco and Sam’s Club cards, Red Robins cards, and Albertson’s and Safeway Cards and medical cards, and movie tickets from movie seen 8 months ago, and even a driver’s license.  It is stacked to the gills with things I might need “just in case”.  What it doesn’t ever have is the thing I need right now.  Need my target card? Just took it out yesterday.  Need my driver’s license? Gave it to a clerk and forgot to get it back.  Need that free movie ticket that is expiring tomorrow? Left in the drawer when the wallet got cleaned out.  Need to pay $1 million dollars in cash for your dream home that is about to be sold to your bitter rival? Only butterflies coming out of the old wallet.

And I will be able to float out of Bitter Ben's wallet.

And I will be able to float out of Bitter Ben’s wallet.

 

My blog and good endings.   

ARRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Combos Ben

53 thoughts on “Bitter Combo’s”

  1. I hate Alexander Graham Bell too. What in the hell was he thinking? Know what you mean about Reeses that have been around too long. Have a great Wednesday night on the couch hogging the remote. 🙂

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  2. The telephone was invented so we wouldn’t have to look like crazy assholes talking to ourselves. Now we can look like we’re talking to someone else. Because sure. Sure I am.

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  3. I always wondered about those commercials people who wander around eating peanut butter straight from the jar. Eating peanut butter straight from the jar is a fine idea, I’ve learned, but walking around doing it? It’d be safer if they just stuffed their hand in the jar, rolled it around, and wandered with a giant peanut-butter-mitten they occasionally chew a clump off of. Plus they’d have the other hand free to text with.

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    • The worst. No matter how much I don’t want it to ring, it keeps ringing. Telemarketers must have some sort of bitter GPS on my phone so they can call and prank me all day, with their credit card offers and sob stories about animals in Africa.

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  12. Haha clever! My first experience with video games was on the Nintendo 64. Now, no one ever wanted to play Mario Kart with me because I always won and in the event that I didn’t win I became quite the spiteful little girl, 😆 Win the game, get out alive combo! 😛

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  15. HAHAA! “Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups have long claimed that they are this magical combo that happened when someone was chowing down on a Hershey’s Bar and another person was eating like a pig out of their peanut butter jar and somehow they collided. ”

    I just started laughing out loud when I read this, and I can’t seem to stop. A couple of tears have come out of my eyes, too. The way you put it so nonchalantly is cracking me up!

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