“He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He knows when you’ve been good or bitter, so be bitter for goodness sake.” – Bitter Ben stealing lyrics from a beloved child’s song and exploiting it for his Blog’s sake.
It was 85 degrees and sunny yesterday, which never happens in Seattle area, so we did what every Seattlite does on a nice day. We stayed inside, ate pizza and played video games all day. Just kidding. We decided to have a garbage, uh garage sale.
So, I out taking a nap in a chair, exploiting parents by selling useless toys to little kids for way too much money, when out of nowhere “Santa Clause” pulled up in his Ford Ranger with a topper.
He said he was there to teach me a lesson. He said that by the end of the garage sale, I would be paid a visit by three Ghosts, the Sol Ghost, the Pain Ghost and the Regret Ghost and that they would teach me the lesson of not selling toys for too much money at garage sales.
Santa at the Garage sale taking pictures with my kid.
I scoffed at him when I saw that he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt. “Shouldn’t you be at the North Pole working with Microsoft to make a new Xbox for me this Christmas?” I sarcasticed at him.
“Be careful with your words, young man. Naughty boys will get what they deserve.” but of course, I laughed in his face. He shrugged his shoulders, and tipped his head. “Okay..” he said before continuing to looking at some old tools (for his workshop I’m guessing).
After looking at things for a while, he came to me and said, “Your old fountain, how much would you like for it?” and I said, “That’s not for sale, old man, but for you, I’ll give it to you $50, even though it has a crack in it.”
He said, “This is a garage sale, man. How about $25 and can I come back to pick it up?”
“Fine,” I said, “but if someone else comes and wants it, I’ll sell it to them.”
He came back later, took pictures with my kid, and tried to pay me the $25. But my wife wouldn’t let him pay for it. I grumbled, and rumbled and had to help him lift it.
But I laughed at him as he left. Crazy old man. That fountain was worthless anyways. And those ghosts never paid a visit.
As we were cleaning up for the day, and counting the money, I felt my head. It was burning up. I went to look in the mirror. My head was a red as the Santa’s Red Suit. Arrrgghh! The Ghost of Sol! In the form of the red hot sun, burning my balding head. Dang it, Santa!
The Ghost of Sol visits!
Later, as we finished cleaning up all the crap from the sale that people decided not to take from us, I felt soreness all over. My head, my back, my neck, my knees, my feet. Soreness everywhere. No pain ghost had physically haunted me, but my physical form sure was in Pain. Blast it again, Santa!
As I laid down my head for a long summer night’s nap, out on the lawn there arose a such a clatter, I arose from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window, I flew like a flash, Santa was next door at a garage sale, selling all the stuff he bought from us for twice the cash!
He made me Regret just like he promised and I got served, Santa said, “Naughty Boys always get what they deserve!”
And he flew off in his Ford Ranger with a topper. Dang it Santa!
Santa’s Driver’s License
ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Bitter Garage Sale Santa
Ben's Bitter Blog 
You’d think Santa would at least have an F-150.
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I know right? I would have thought he would have had something more significant.
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Seriously. How else is he going to tow my new boat to the house?
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I know. It better come with one of those big red bows from the car commercials too.
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Obviously. If it doesn’t, Santa will need remedial training.
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He will have to go back to Santa High School, which will be a Disney movie.
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Sounds like there’ll be a tangerine and a few nuts in your stocking this year …
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I think probably some fruit cake honestly.
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Even though you didn’t want to give the fountain away for nothing, you shall be rewarded with Christmas Cheer! Well, maybe. He might forget by the time Christmas rolls around again. I’d say you’d better drop him a line in November and remember the favors he owes you…
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I’m thinking that as much as I did him a favor, he is probably pretty upset about the other 42 years when I was bitter so I don’t think that one think will be redemption for me.
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I would love to have a garage/yard sale – to charge people money for utter trash. My problem is that when I decide something is trash, I want it the F out of my house immediately. If only I could become a short-term hoarder…
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I am pretty much a minimalist myself. As we go through all the stuff in our house, I realize that only about 1% of it is mine and even some of that stuff I’m willing to give up.
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Hahaha. Loved it, Ben.
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I only wish I was nicer and gave him some more stuff, but it couldn’t make up for all the years of bitterness I guess.
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Hang on, I thought according to the documentary Arthur Christmas the current Santa was a much younger fellow than that?
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Well, this is a few years later. He ages pretty quickly once he takes over.
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A visit from Santa in June? Sooo lucky! I think he’s afraid to visit my neck of the woods this time of year, because the temperatures down here are at least 20 degrees higher than yours. (We have AC, Santa!). Wait…a Ford Ranger with a topper? Is that like a camper shell? I think I’ve seen that truck before. Hmmm…
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He just likes the weather around here this time of year I guess. When you’ve spent a lifetime at the North Pole, the weather in Seattle is positively balmy.
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There is no better way to get bitter than to spend a sunny day haggling at your own garage sale! My advice? Mark everything at 4-5 times what you want to sell it for. So when you sell a pack of 100 birthday candles marked $5 for just a buck, they’ll cough it up. If you see Santa at another sale down the block, tell him I said hello. 🙂
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I’ll make sure if he comes to our next one to keep you on the naughty..uh I mean the nice list.
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You don’t survive as long as Santa Claus has without picking up a few tricks, I guess
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Yeah and a few things from garage sales. My son was pretty stoked to meet Mr. Claus though.
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Wow, I can’t believe Santa was at to your garage sale but I guess it’s true based on that sunburn that I can’t even see.
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It’s the same sunburn I got last year around this time that you also couldn’t see. You just need to imagine the paleness from before.
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It’s better to be visited by Santana than Santa Claus. They have a rivalry, you know. Santana brings wicked great music, and all you have to do is leave him a little Mexican food under the tree. He doesn’t watch you all the time, because he’s too busy making great music. So you can be as bitter as you want. And if you’ve been bitter all year, you may wake up on Christmas morning to find a pile of Santana mp3’s that have been left on your computer. But don’t forget the Mexican food.
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It sounds like maybe I’ve been putting too much faith in Santa Claus all these years. It sounds like Santana Claus has much better presence.
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