Sometimes I like to cry bitter tears because of the stupid books, movies and TV shows that actually get made or published. Like I could walk through a room and pull 15 ideas out of a hat that would be more intelligent. Any reality show on TLC or Fox sound like they were made by a teenager that had to come up with a project the night before it was due. So when heard about this book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, I cringed into my cereal. Another really short titled book that got published before I did.
Of course I never read it, but my wife did. And she told me all about how it worked. Basically, you fold your clothes in a particular way in order to make more space. And the clothes you don’t keep you are supposed to thank for their service, then release them to their doom. A garage sale or thrift store where they will spend many more years of not getting thanked. So while spring cleaning and getting rid of stuff, I decided to thank some of my clothes.
Tie #1: Thank you Dilbert Novelty tie for making me think I was funny for a few minutes when I walked into the room, until everyone started talking about what an idiot I was for wearing it as soon as I turned around.
Tie #2: Thanks a Red Checkered Tie for helping me fail masterfully in that job interview last summer.
Tie #3: Thanks a lot gold and silver checkered tie for not telling me about that pen mark on you when I was at a graduation. I was not humiliated at all.
Tie #4: Thanks purple tie. While I loved your color, it seemed like you were consistently cinching a little tighter every time. What are you trying to say with that?
Onto the socks.
Pair of Socks #1: Thank you for protecting me from the nail I stood on. If it wasn’t for the super protective yarn you are made of, I never would been able to writhe in pain like that. Who needs shoes when you have socks?
Pair of Socks #2: Thank you so much for helping me meet the minimum requirements of being at work. My feet want to thank you for keeping them so close together that it isn’t at all uncomfortable to be next to each other. They love their 10 hours of closeness that they don’t smell at all.
Beard: I want to thank you for catching the food I lose when eating. You’ve really grown on me. But why must you cling so hard when I try to get rid of you that I bleed?
Shirts:
Shirt #1: Thanks for helping me remember what year the Spurs won the championship. But is it so much to ask for you to grow a little? And do you have to fade as fast as my interest in work at 3 pm?
Shirt #2: Thank you for making me only 25 years behind in fashion. Your permanently popped up collar, your companion shirt, and the boat shoes you always hang out with, take my fashion to a whole not other level.
Shirt #3: Thank you for “claiming” to be wrinkle free and not stepping up to the plate when I needed a shirt and you were the only clean one.
Pant: Thanks for always being a barrier between me and comfort. You were always there to cover me when people came over, but at the cost of comfort.
After doing that, I really can see how it helped. It was great to remember all the hard work those things had to do for me. And the memories, the bad memories of having to wear them for so many years. I can’t imagine what kind of nice things they are going to say about me!
ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Thank You Ben
As a frustrated wanna-be underachieving archeologist, I like to go on ‘digs’ from time to time and ‘dig’ around in other peoples’ archival archived lives.
Who knows what treasures
May await me there?
“Shirt #1: Thanks for helping me remember what year the Spurs won the championship. But is it so much to ask for you to grow a little? And do you have to fade as fast as my interest in work at 3 pm?”
Just lying there
Waiting to be re-discovered.
Or more often than not
In my case anyhow (Your mileage may vary)
Discovered
Touched for the very first time
Just like a Virginia Slim
(“Thank you Madonna for giving me permission to steal and mangle that line from one of your myriad ‘signature songs’—call me—we’ll do lunch again sometime real soon. I promise.”)
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Great post, but I loved the comic about socks and sandals It took our daughter and myself years to get her dad to stop wearing socks with sandals.{embarrassment goes here}. Thanks for the laughs. Have a great week.
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At least when I wear sandals I decide to go without socks. But I can’t say I’ve never done the socks and sandals thing before. You know if it is a little too cold out.
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; )
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You thank your clothes? I’m going to need a moment to digest this. Are you kidding me? I would have a field day with the torture devices women are to wear. Great post!
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The only reason I thanked my clothes was to make fun of them in a sarcastic way. I was essentially doing a roast of my ties and came up with the idea to do a post about them.
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Hey there’s a bunch of comments over on my site you should respond to. Long ones too!
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Oh I didn’t know what was considered ok. Will do!!
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Get on it girl! It’s your post!
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You might want to pimp it on your blog too. Tell everyone on yours to come over and check it out.
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Thank you for writing a better blog post than me and making me feel even worse than the reality TV and the books I’ll never write.
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I’m always glad to do my part in making people feel worse about themselves, even if it is just fake making better posts than yours.
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Brilliant idea! I’m just off to give my clothes a good telling off for failing to impress! I coulda been a contender …
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I know right? I guess thank them for putting up with you for a little while, but man they didn’t really do it for me either.
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Too late! I went to the wardrobe but my wife has taken over my tiny corner with her awful big … er, hello darling, with her gorgeous little creations!
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I guess it is time to start sending more of your clothes off to war. Go with peace my friends, go brave the thrift store!
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Good One! lol
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The idea was a good one, but execution not so much. It would have been such a better one if it was more like a roast.
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Awesome 🙂
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It could have been so much more though and that makes me bitter.
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“Basically, you fold your clothes in a particular way in order to make more space.”
I have found that shoving my clothes under my bed makes plenty of space in my closet and drawers. As long as I keep a corner under there for my dog (whoops, typed “dad”), because he likes to curl up down there and play games, I think. That’s what it sounds like. Anyway, as long as I keep a space down there for him, I don’t need it for anything but extra clothing.
That book is full of lies and we should write a counter-book.
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Your poor dad having to be spared a little space to sleep in.
I think people have already written a counter book or two about it, but I think the one we co-wrote would be way more interesting.
Possibly a world record for most insults of clothes in a single book?
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Another World Record?! I’m in.
Dear Sweater, Remember when I looked up instructions on how to wash you and you said, “Do Not Day Clean?” You can’t tell me what to do, or when to not do it. I decide on my own that I don’t like cleaning during the day.
What sweater in its right mind would even tell me that, y’know?
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Some of us aren’t lucky like you and have a world record, so it isn’t “another” record for us.
And yeah, sweaters need to be a little less bossy in my opinion too. Let just do your job and make us warm or at least cool.
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Oh! My apologies. Although you don’t know. Maybe you have The Bitterest Face in the World. You should really contact GBWR to make it official, so you don’t have to be AS bitter about it.
Yeah, sweaters. You have ONE JOB. Quit your sassin’ and do it. Jeez Louise.
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Now that would be a record I could contend for. I have a natural frown. I think they might mistake me for the human version of Grumpy Cat.
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Ooh, being Human Grumpy Cat has to be worthy of some award…
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Yeah, being published in some sort of book…Maybe some sort of record book….
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Hilarious! Great idea for a column too.
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Yeah, I just wish I could have thought of more. When I came up with the idea, I was basically “roasting” my ties for all the things they didn’t do for me, but when I wrote it, I had a hard time coming up with good roasts.
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I don’t know how you come up with these ideas – but you are hilarious! 🙂
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Whenever I hear something absurd like this lady getting a book for organizing by thanking things, I can’t not make fun of it somehow.
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😀
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I have not figured out what’s wrong with socks in sandals. Then again, I have not figured out what’s wrong with anything I wear. It’s other people who seem to have figured these things out. Anyway, I hope you feel light and magical, and less bitter, after decluttering.
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I haven’t either. I guess some person determined that it wasn’t okay and blacklisted them. But like I’ve ever listened to them about what I’m supposed to wear?
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You forgot to thank that shirt for holding on to that glob of guacamole dip because you were saving it for later.
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Oh look, I see you haven’t abendoned the blogosphere quite yet.
And yeah, I did forget to thank my shirt, but for pizza, not guac.
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There really is magic in tidying and downsizing, but a whole book about it??? Goodbye, too tight jeans, thank you for keeping me from overeating at the buffet, but you have been replaced by my new friend, sweatpants. There, that was easy.
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I figure some people will thank my blog for making them bitter and then clicking unfollow.
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