Bitter Thank you’s

/ bensbitterblog
The magic of throwing stuff away.

The magic of throwing stuff away.

Sometimes I like to cry bitter tears because of the stupid books, movies and TV shows that actually get made or published. Like I could walk through a room and pull 15 ideas out of a hat that would be more intelligent. Any reality show on TLC or Fox sound like they were made by a teenager that had to come up with a project the night before it was due. So when heard about this book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, I cringed into my cereal.  Another really short titled book that got published before I did.

Of course I never read it, but my wife did. And she told me all about how it worked. Basically, you fold your clothes in a particular way in order to make more space. And the clothes you don’t keep you are supposed to thank for their service, then release them to their doom. A garage sale or thrift store where they will spend many more years of not getting thanked. So while spring cleaning and getting rid of stuff, I decided to thank some of my clothes.

You

Thank you Dilbert tie. 

Tie #1: Thank you Dilbert Novelty tie for making me think I was funny for a few minutes when I walked into the room, until everyone started talking about what an idiot I was for wearing it as soon as I turned around.

Tie #2: Thanks a Red Checkered Tie for helping me fail masterfully in that job interview last summer.

Tie #3: Thanks a lot gold and silver checkered tie for not telling me about that pen mark on you when I was at a graduation. I was not humiliated at all.

Tie #4: Thanks purple tie. While I loved your color, it seemed like you were consistently cinching a little tighter every time. What are you trying to say with that?

Onto the socks.

Best combo ever.

Best combo ever.

Pair of Socks #1: Thank you for protecting me from the nail I stood on. If it wasn’t for the super protective yarn you are made of, I never would been able to writhe in pain like that. Who needs shoes when you have socks?

Pair of Socks #2: Thank you so much for helping me meet the minimum requirements of being at work. My feet want to thank you for keeping them so close together that it isn’t at all uncomfortable to be next to each other. They love their 10 hours of closeness that they don’t smell at all.

Beard: I want to thank you for catching the food I lose when eating.  You’ve really grown on me. But why must you cling so hard when I try to get rid of you that I bleed?

Shirts:

Shirt #1: Thanks for helping me remember what year the Spurs won the championship. But is it so much to ask for you to grow a little? And do you have to fade as fast as my interest in work at 3 pm?

At least this one tells you what it's going to do.

At least this one tells you what it’s going to do.

Shirt #2: Thank you for making me only 25 years behind in fashion. Your permanently popped up collar, your companion shirt, and the boat shoes you always hang out with, take my fashion to a whole not other level.

Shirt #3: Thank you for “claiming” to be wrinkle free and not stepping up to the plate when I needed a shirt and you were the only clean one.

Pant: Thanks for always being a barrier between me and comfort. You were always there to cover me when people came over, but at the cost of comfort.

After doing that, I really can see how it helped. It was great to remember all the hard work those things had to do for me. And the memories, the bad memories of having to wear them for so many years. I can’t imagine what kind of nice things they are going to say about me!

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Thank You Ben

39 thoughts on “Bitter Thank you’s”

  1. As a frustrated wanna-be underachieving archeologist, I like to go on ‘digs’ from time to time and ‘dig’ around in other peoples’ archival archived lives.
    Who knows what treasures
    May await me there?

    “Shirt #1: Thanks for helping me remember what year the Spurs won the championship. But is it so much to ask for you to grow a little? And do you have to fade as fast as my interest in work at 3 pm?”

    Just lying there
    Waiting to be re-discovered.

    Or more often than not
    In my case anyhow (Your mileage may vary)

    Discovered

    Touched for the very first time
    Just like a Virginia Slim

    (“Thank you Madonna for giving me permission to steal and mangle that line from one of your myriad ‘signature songs’—call me—we’ll do lunch again sometime real soon. I promise.”)

    Like

    Reply

  2. Great post, but I loved the comic about socks and sandals It took our daughter and myself years to get her dad to stop wearing socks with sandals.{embarrassment goes here}. Thanks for the laughs. Have a great week.

    Like

    Reply

  8. “Basically, you fold your clothes in a particular way in order to make more space.”
    I have found that shoving my clothes under my bed makes plenty of space in my closet and drawers. As long as I keep a corner under there for my dog (whoops, typed “dad”), because he likes to curl up down there and play games, I think. That’s what it sounds like. Anyway, as long as I keep a space down there for him, I don’t need it for anything but extra clothing.

    That book is full of lies and we should write a counter-book.

    Like

    Reply

    • Your poor dad having to be spared a little space to sleep in.
      I think people have already written a counter book or two about it, but I think the one we co-wrote would be way more interesting.
      Possibly a world record for most insults of clothes in a single book?

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      • Another World Record?! I’m in.
        Dear Sweater, Remember when I looked up instructions on how to wash you and you said, “Do Not Day Clean?” You can’t tell me what to do, or when to not do it. I decide on my own that I don’t like cleaning during the day.

        What sweater in its right mind would even tell me that, y’know?

        Like

        Reply

        • Some of us aren’t lucky like you and have a world record, so it isn’t “another” record for us.
          And yeah, sweaters need to be a little less bossy in my opinion too. Let just do your job and make us warm or at least cool.

          Like

        • Oh! My apologies. Although you don’t know. Maybe you have The Bitterest Face in the World. You should really contact GBWR to make it official, so you don’t have to be AS bitter about it.

          Yeah, sweaters. You have ONE JOB. Quit your sassin’ and do it. Jeez Louise.

          Like

    • Yeah, I just wish I could have thought of more. When I came up with the idea, I was basically “roasting” my ties for all the things they didn’t do for me, but when I wrote it, I had a hard time coming up with good roasts.

      Like

      Reply

  11. I have not figured out what’s wrong with socks in sandals. Then again, I have not figured out what’s wrong with anything I wear. It’s other people who seem to have figured these things out. Anyway, I hope you feel light and magical, and less bitter, after decluttering.

    Like

    Reply

  13. There really is magic in tidying and downsizing, but a whole book about it??? Goodbye, too tight jeans, thank you for keeping me from overeating at the buffet, but you have been replaced by my new friend, sweatpants. There, that was easy.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Your Bitter Comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.