I just read the other day that there are only two countries in the world that allow prescription drugs to be advertised on television and one of those is the Good Ole USA. I have to say that I feel bad for the rest of the world because you guys are missing out on something pretty freaking magical. Since pharmaceutical companies have more ducats than Scrooge McDuck’s Vault, they have huge advertising budgets. This allows them to make ads that last 20 minutes, so they can deceive you with beautiful couples running through bright green meadows, because the medicine they take magically cures them of all their ills, both physical and mental. As they are running through the fields the PSAVOG (Pleasant Sounding Auctioneer Voice Over Guy) tells us how the medicine will give you relief from a headache, but WILL kill you in as nice a way as possible by telling you the side effects. You know the drill, “Adderall can cause nervousness, pychoticness, sleeplessness, fear, dry mouth, risk of constipation, internal bleeding, risk of high blood pressure, the seeing of elephants in your back yard, funnel cake syndrome, visions of flying toasters, and could make you allergic to living.”
The best part of the drugs are the fancy names. Names like Lutesse, Cymbalta, Lipitor, Cialis, Abilify, Celebrex, Humira, Chantix, Lyrica, and Nasonex. My daughter’s favorite is Latuda, because it sounds like a drug that makes you fart in French. Talk about a Peppi La Pew. Excuse me. I was thinking about how much money these “silent killers”(not the farts, weirdos) make and how much I want the type of ducats Scrouge McDuck makes, so I decided to start my own prescription drug company. Some of the drugs that will be offered by Bitter Pill Pharmaceuticals:
Falsettious – This is for the chronically fake. Fake tan, fake lips, fake brains, fake personality, fake instagram account, fake ID’s. This drug is for real. Side effects: Reality will bite them in the face, like an Ice Bucket Challenge to the head.
Latidor – For people that are always late. This drug will pull you out of bed, and get you in your car and get you to events or work on time. Side effects: Person may miss having to make up excuses.
Bitterol – For the chronically happy. They just have such a hard time being angry, sad or bitter all the time. This medicine will destroy the pink flowers and rosy filled unicorns always dancing in your head. Side effects: May cause you to think this blog is actually funny.
Sarknado – For those with a criminally low dose of sarcasm in their system. It enhances their sarcasm detector. Side effects – They may finally get the joke.
Humblebragex – For people that feign humility while not so subtly begging more an ego boost. Side effects: A big downturn in their instagram, twitter, Facebook and blog stats and likes. A small uptick in really world likes.
Promotisse – For people who have chronic sore wrists due to excessive business card handing out at party syndrome. Side effects: Slight numbness of the wrists after so little use.
Slowbalta – For the type A overachiever that just can’t slow down. Will slow patient to duotasking or less. Side effect: May cause permanent laziness.
Chatetrix – For people that have no understanding of visual social cues. Chaterix may help you figure out verbal cues from someone that doesn’t want you to talk to them so you can shut the heck up. Side effects: This may also make you stop talking to your cat or the television.
Complainex – For the chronicle complainer. Side effect: Non-bitterness. For this reason, I can’t take this one. You’ll just have to continue to deal with my complaining.
Sportress – It will help you be a little more understanding about why I need to yell at the television, I mean an individual needs to yell at the television, when that point guard made a bad pass or the ref blew a call. Side effects: You may end up yelling at the screen or enjoying sports.
Confidenta – For those that need help making complete idiots out of themselves at a party, or other social gathering better. Side effects: You may be invited to more parties and your blog might suffer.
Spiderex – For those that need to just calm down and not burn down the house whenever they see a spider or other tiny insect that couldn’t really hurt them because it is tiny. Side effect: May trick patient into thinking that spider is a butterfly or puppy.
Greeseify – For people that need to stop eating salad and kale so much and just eat a freaking burger or whole pizza every once in a while. Side effect: You might get invited to more parties. People might start talking to you.
Knowitall – For those that think they know it all, this is a hard pill to swallow. Side effects: People might start not deleting all your Facebook posts.
Hashtagnomore – For the habitual hashtagger. Side effect: You might have to actually explain something. Words may appear to you with a spaceinbetween.
Uncomfortable ads are coming to a television near you soon. If you do decide that you suffer from the symptoms of any of the above, make sure you see your doctor. In other completely unrelated news, Dr. Bitter Ben Gardner just opened an online medical practice. Stop on by!
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Bitter Medicinal Ben
Great Post. Drugs Addiction itself is not a crime, it’s a disease.
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I love you, man. And please glob send my husband a case of Latidor.
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You know I will send him some Latuda, as soon as I get his doctor’s prescription. Any signature will do. Even a doctored one.
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I really think all these drug ads should stop listing “death” as a side effect. If you ask me, death is an END effect.
Great blog. In the immortal words of The Most Interesting Man in the World, Stay Bitter, My Friend.
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With all the things in the world to be bitter about, I could never not be bitter.
And yeah, if you think about it, everything is causing us to die slowly anyways.
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Haha … but seriously, who are the prescription drug ads aimed at … doctors?
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I would love to aim something else at my doctor. Keeps charging me co-pays and getting to my deductibles only to tell me that nothing can be done and you will die soon anyways.
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I swear Funnel Cake syndrome is real! Every time I go to a fair, I crave them; and then finally I succumb and eat one. They always make me sickish and yet, every time I smell that fried dough I think, “This time will be different.”
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It’s the smell I swear! If we dipped tires in that stuff people would buy it and eat it and get sick and do it again as soon as they smelled it!
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Funnel cakes = the crack of deep-friend pastries.
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And then there’s Placeboia. Cures anything you chronically complain about. Side effects include: cavities, hyperglycemia, looking like a fool, and tipping off your doctor that you’re actually a hypochondriac.
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I think a few of my co-workers could use that to help them realize that they aren’t really sick, just think they are.
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I must have the maturity of a five year old… because I’m still laughing at the “Latuda” comment.
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Yeah, I must have a five year mentality, because Puns still make me laugh.
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So darn funny! I have to say I am so tired of the male dysfunctional ‘parts’ ads coming on when I’m watching tv with my three youngest sons. So much explaining to do. From their father, not me. Ha!
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Yeah, I can’t wait to explain all that stuff to my 8 year old who has many questions already.
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I could use some of that Bitterol or Slowbalta. However, I’m still reeling from the side effects of these delicious fruit-flavored chewables I took that turned out to be real OTC drugs with their very own commercial and list of warnings and everything. Who knew?
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Just make sure you don’t get addicted to the Bitterol and the Slobalta, cause they have side effects. Too see them all, make sure you see the 20 minute TV commercial.
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Awesome names. Wonder if Big Pharma patrols posts like these to get ideas for names for new drugs? I’ll be looking for these names on the new 20-minute ads.
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The first of the twenty minutes is the marketing of the good things about the drug, while the rest of the 19 minutes is explaining all the side effects.
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I know a few people who need to take a couple of Humblebragex – the sh*t that some people post (specially on facebook) makes me want to puke!
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It should be a required medicine to take when going on Facebook.
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Reblogged this on The Rebirth of Sanity and commented:
This made my day! Even with all the recent medication adjustments, I still have swelling in my ankles and feet and I’m having to sleep with feet up in air on top of four pillows! Ha!
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I hate it when the side effects are worse than the cure.
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Brilliant! But you forgot one: Minicatata: For those who sit in a catatonic state for hours watching television. Side effects: You might actually wash your dishes. Great! Going to try my first ever re-blog of this article on my site http://www.rebirthofinsanity.com. Thanks for sharing the madness!
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I forgot a lot of my pills. I think if I did all of them, the post never would have ended. I will definitely be doing a whole line of bitter drugs to help with stuff like that.
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Could you make these in liquid form? One could put them in ‘someone’s’ drink without them even suspecting it…love this post!
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That would be a great idea. I’ll get my evil, bitter minion scientists back in the lab to create those in liquid form.
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Sorry I took a risk and tried to embed a Gif but it might not have worked. Here is the link anyways because it is important:
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I never take risks because they always fail. But you made up for your fail by sending this. I didn’t even think about the multibillion dollar industry of pet meds. I should probably do one of those.
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Very nicely done. I need to become a doctor so I can prescribe a few of these.
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I have my own bitter medical practice. Also a bitter medical school, if you have the money, I can make you a quack, I mean doctor.
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I love the internet and online medical schools!! Sign me up!! Where do i sned my money???
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And I love suckers who give me money. I accept Pay Pal.
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Pingback: Prescription Drug Bitterness | The Recovery of a Mad Woman
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Yeah that lady definitely needed some DRAMAmine. Cause that was no comedy.
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LOL I might take you up on the spider one…
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It sat down beside her. As long as you are okay with petting one and thinking it is a kitty.
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NOOOOOO!
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Hey just remember. Side effects.
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Right crap!
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The side effects always screw things up, don’t they?
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The side effects are usually more harmful than the few things that help.
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Love this post!!
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Great. Do you want to sign up for some prescription drugs that may or may not work?
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No, I’m in love with my drug of choice, polish potato vodka.
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My drug of choice is Aleve. It takes care of just about every ailment.
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Why no Deludeno? The humans that believe politicians and political ads desperately need this….
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My drug company is always open for new ways to exploit people, uh I mean make people feel better. I can be talked into this one..
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I really liked this one. I was CTM for most of the beginning. (Got a kick out of what your daughter said.) Anyway, I’ve talked about this sort of stuff before. ‘This pill will POSSIBLY get rid of your RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome), but it MIGHT potentially kill you!’ Yeah, sounds awesome . . .
I DID get the joke up there, which is amazing because – as usual – I’m not really awake yet.
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I don’t know if I have Restless Leg Syndrome, but I know for a fact that I can never seem to keep the stupid things still. When they described the symptoms on TV, I kept going are you sure it isn’t just the constant thumping of your legs? I’m not sure what joke you got. Did I make one? I’m kind of bad at remembering what I write after it has been published, so anyways…glad you got the joke. I’m awake, but wish I was sleeping. Is that any constallation?
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I need something that gives the opposite effect of slowbalta…
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Never underestimate the need to be lazy, all the time. It’s made me the underachieving person I am today!
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Reblogged this on The Busted Up Blog and commented:
Nice
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I’m thinking I need some to wake up this morning.
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I could definitely use some of those. Specifically “Spiderex”. Love the “Despondex” picture though, that’s great 🙂
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I got that Despondex picture from the Onion. Those people that write for them are my heroes. I keep hoping I will get discovered by them.
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That’s awesome you probably will! I mean, you have been Freshly Pressed. The sky’s the limit now lol
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I’m sure that’s how they find new talent. Instead of accepting applications, they scour wordpress to find the latest sarcastic people. I’m a shoe-in!
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Definitely. You should comment on their site and be all, “Uhh, hey guys? I’ve got like 6,000 followers, you could probably benefit from my contributions.” And then get all of us to be like, “Yeah! Stay bitter!!” And if they don’t acquiesce to your demands, we’ll all revolt. Like a fantastic, internet version of Braveheart.
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I think I will go do that right now instead of working here!
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I want a whole box of Sarknado and Falsettious… I might slip them into my classmates’ food/drinks…or tackle them to the ground and force them to take the pills..whatever’s easier.
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Who knew that people would get prescriptions for other people. There is a whole new market of people getting prescriptions for others. I’m definitely marketing them that way.
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Latuda is TOTALLY my favorite, too.
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I just wonder who comes up with all the names. They probably get like a billion dollars to do it too.
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Ha! Too funny. Those are priceless. Ah yes, pharmaceutical ads, we all stare at them, grimly fascinated, unable to look away, unsure if we should be taking them seriously. They also remind me of a thousand ways to die, with their never ending list of unpleasant side effects, delivered so seductively. Thanks people, there were a few potential miseries in the world I was completely unaware of, but you have now enlightened me.
Not sure if you know, but I wrote you a post the other day.
http://insanitybytes2.wordpress.com/2014/10/20/stalking-bitter/
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Everytime my daughter sees the Latuda ads she cracks up. And I can’t help but not every want to get any of these conditions, because then I will have to take some of these drugs and get more conditions.
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Please put me on your advertising mailing list for Falsettious and Hashtagnomore. I know a few folks who could really use prescriptions for these.
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I will put you on the list. Go ahead and get their insurance cards and you’ll get the hook up.
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Fantastic news! Is there a pharmacy near me where I can sample every single one of your abuse-able new controlled substances?
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There is one about two cubicles south and one west. All you have to do is plunk do your Medicare money and I will get you all the “prescriptions” you need.
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