Welcome to the Friend Zone. There is only one way out.
I may never have been in jail, but that doesn’t mean I have never been in prison. And while in prison everyone needs to learn how to fight. But before we discuss the fighting, let’s first talk about how we get in prison.
Everyone has been there before. We are happily dwelling in this zone. We have a nice couch, a TV, a remote control and some pizza. Living in comfort, no need to get up from the couch, just chilling watching TV. Then the doorbell rings and we have to made a decision. Should we just ignore the doorbell and enjoy the comforts of the couch and the TV and the pizza or should we get up from the couch and answer the door? You never know what is on the other side of the door. It could be an annoying salesperson that follows you around trying to sell you something you definitely don’t need. Or it could be someone that has a more comfortable couch and wants to know if they can come in and sit on it with you.
So you and this person sit on the comfortable couch together and find your comfortable place on the couch. For a while you both mutually agree on your place on the couch, but then one of you decides that the other side of the couch looks more attractive and they want to sit there at the same time as you.
The Awkward zone.
This is known as Awkward zone, where the two people who used to be fine with their sections of the couch are now faced with a decision. One couchmate wants more couch space, while the other is perfectly fine using the couch as they always have. As couch friends. One of them wants to be couch exclusive, while the other wants to share the couch with others. This causes the eternal struggle we call the friend couch zone. So, what is a solution for these two couch friends?
How about we skip the friend zone and go straight to The Enemy Zone. Why bother dragging out the friend zone, when the enemy zone is so much more fun? Who doesn’t like a knockdown drag out battle to the death!
Let the enemy zone fight begin!
Let’s take a look at many of the weapons used in the Enemy Zone.
“Passive Aggressiveness, I choose you!” This deadly weapon is a subtle barb that is disguised as a friendly non threatening phrase, but is meant to burrow down deep inside someone’s soul with the intent to burn.
“Made up Rumors and Gossip, I choose you!” These half truths become whole truths by the spreading them through a grapevine. And once entered on the grapevine they spread like wildfire.
“Eye Roll, I choose you!” This cold stare freezes your very soul and leaves you helpless to move.
“Back Stab, I choose you!” This attack works best by building a wall of trust around the front, but allowing the back to be exposed. When the person feels most comfortable, a stab to the back!
“Death Talk, I choose you!” This attack works best for people that like to talk against people that don’t. If you talk monotonally for long enough, the person will get bored…to death.
“Slap in the Face, I choose you!” This is similar to the back stab, but a more direct attack to the face. It is still meant as a surprise, but while the attackers is watching for more devastating effect.
“Punch in the Gut, I choose you!” This is a finisher move, meant to be a final blow to someone’s ego. This one is meant to make an opponent stagger long after the fight is over.
In this battle there is only bitterness and animosity that will last a lifetime. And isn’t that what we(me really) are all striving for? I mean, who needs friends when you can have way cooler enemies?
ARRRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Enemy Zone Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
you should see the friendzone. ouch
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I’ve been within whiskers of being friendzoned, but luckily I just bail on the friendship at that point.
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aren’t you a sithlord in disguise
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I wouldn’t say I’m in disguise. I usually wear my dark lord costume to work.
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“Tears of Manipulation, I choose you!” An attack used almost exclusively by women, this can be used to disarm your opponent in preparation for going in for the kill.
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Ah yes, this is a technique taught from a young age. I know, because my 11 year old is already perfecting it on me. Boy am I in trouble until her late 20’s (alright, probably forever).
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Heh, heh… yes, probably forever 😉
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I don’t know if I will ever let her go. You should know this though. You’re dad is probably super protective of you!
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It’s true. He lets me do my own thing and allows me to be pretty independent, but I know if there was trouble, he’d be there in an instant!
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Wow, that sounds like a good dad. I could probably learn a thing or 10 from him.
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(A) “It could be an annoying salesperson that follows you around trying to sell you something you definitely don’t need.” Do you have salespeople at your door a lot? Or are you referring to girl scouts with their cookies, but just didn’t want to be rude?
(B) How does the Rumor and Gossip approach work on the couch? Do I tell the Rude Person rumors about the couch (e.g., “That spot is haunted. If you sit there, ghosts will follow you for life.”). Or do I tell the couch rumors about the Rude Person in their presence until Rude Person leaves (e.g., “Hey Couch! Rude Person wears Depends! What do you think of that?!”)
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Yeah, I’m surprised by how often door to door salesman stop at our house. You’d think by the bitter appearance of the house that matches my face they would get the hint that I don’t want to talk to them, but salesman sure don’t seem to read my bitter scowl.
B) This could be interpreted either way, and either way is fine with me. As long as rudeness is involved.
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I treat every knock on the door and every phone call as if it’s a bill collector or a religious solicitation. If I didn’t call you or invite you over then your intrusion is unwelcome. And the “let me tell you about my day at work” is an effective,
slow, torturous ride to the enemy zone that makes me want to start cutting myself again.
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Yes, please don’t torture me with details about your day. I’d much rather eat pizza and ignore you thank you very little.
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Perfect blog for something that happened today. I left my phone in my car for a few hours (forgot it and was too lazy to go get it, yes, this girl can be lazy at times). I finally go get it and there are 5 messages on there! FOUR of them are from some lady named “Donna” an inmate from my local country jail! What! It is crazy because I don’t know anyone by that name who is in jail AND how did she get my number? She called FOUR times and left a silent message. It was weird. I’m hoping it was just a mistake in one of the numbers or at least most of them. This has freaked me out a bit now! :p
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I guess you better be more diligent about keeping your phone close or strange inmates will call you on the phone.
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Just give them the couch. then take a book and an apple and go into the bathroom, lock the door, and take a four hour bath. you have a way cooler life than they do, and if they need in, they have to go down to the gas station on the corner.
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I usually spend a lot of time in the bathroom. I don’t have a book, but a phone that I do read off of.
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I’ve always wanted to punch someone in the gut but I’m afraid I’m not strong enough. Slapping though. Every girl’s specialty.
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I know. Heck they made a TV show on NBC about the Slap. It wasn’t a good one, but it sure was fun to make fun of.
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I wonder what you think of buying a recliner.
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We have two of those. They aren’t the best though. Maybe someday when they start acting like my couch, then I might start wanting to sit in them.
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Yeah, not as much room to stretch out!
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I need an even longer couch so my legs don’t have to spill over onto the arm rests.
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Maybe you just need to shrink…ever thought of that?
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Yes, that would be great. Then I could be the size of all you little people.
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Little Bitter Ben.
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Can you even imagine a Bitter Ben the size of a mosquito being even more annoying and less useful than mosquitoes?
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More like a flea I think…or a louse.
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Or a flea market. And who likes flea markets? Just a bunch of old stuff that nobody needs .
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One man’s trash…
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…is also another man’s trash?
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That’s exactly where I was going with this.
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I’m pretty good at predicting the future. And people’s thoughts.
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I have my spot (prison) and he has his. We like it that way, makes me bitter.
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Yeah, we generally have our spots too. But sometimes the spots get jumbled so I have to adjust. Now that makes me bitter.
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🙂
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For TV watching, hubby gets couch and I get loveseat (’cause I’m shorter). Our dogs have their pick and know no boundaries at all–they lay across our laps, dig their toenails into our legs, and shake the whole couch as they rock back and forth licking themselves. I don’t ever answer the door, or the phone, for that matter. I can’t really think of anyone I WANT to see/talk to who might be on the other side/end. The best offense is a good defense, Ben. 🙂
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We don’t have dogs, but we have kids and my daughter has the long lanky legs that kind of go everywhere and sometimes my son likes to sit on me like I am his throne, but I get the picture.
As far as the door being answered, we have to because my son has friends popping in all the time without regard for us wanting them there. And he answers it all the time anyways, so there is no hiding from anyone that comes to our house.
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We recently bought a couch-love seat combo because SOMEONE IS ALWAYS IN MY SPACE. I have my favorite spot. I’d pee on it to protect it if I could. I guess that would fall under the genre of biological warfare.
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See now that peeing on the couch is the kind of passive aggressiveness that wins the couch wars.
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Seems to me like couches aren’t meant to be shared. I know they’re the biggest, longest piece of furniture in the living room. But one person needs all that room to stretch out and relax. Sharing the couch is where all hatred and wars begin.
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I assume that Captain America: Civil War was fought over couch space.
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What about “The Silent Treatment, I choose you.” Is it the same as the eye roll or something different? You know, it’s when you are too mad to even speak to the other person as you might explode and kill them.
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I always forget something, cause I’m pretty forgetful. I wish I would have thought about the silent treatment, which is one of the most potent battle techniques.
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Nah. I’m not into the whole enemies thing. Thinking of people as enemies takes a lot more work than simply trying to live in peace with everyone. All that fighting and negative stuff isn’t fun at all. I’d rather be nice.
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But its a good workout for people like me that don’t get much exercise. And also how great would action movies be if everyone just “got along peacefully”.
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Guess I’m not much for action movies, either. I’d rather see people sing it out, or dance it out, or cheer it out, then hugs and confetti and cake for both sides in the end, because everyone wins.
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So you like your movies with no drama at all? Just pictures of puppies and hugging on the screen for 2 hours?
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Haha, not quite. 🙂 I just prefer healthy rivalry to fighting, war, and vindictiveness. Guess you could call me a pacifist.
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Sometimes fighting can be healthy. Gets all the feelings out so people can heal. (Though I like holding my problems inside so I can passively aggressively use them at any moment.)
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*attack. Stupid autocorrect!
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I don’t know. Knowing the dog attachs to the couch sounds kind of cooler. Like he’s made of velcro or something.
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Hah, great idea but my dog is about 70lbs… I’d need A LOT of velcro to stick him to anything
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You really need him to start doing some exercise or something. Or at least chilling on the Scooby Snacks.
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He’s a big dog, he don’t need no doggy diet… but I’m sure he’d thank me for the scooby snacks.
Ahh, Scooby-Doo…. my favourite cartoon as a child 😀
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You liked Scooby Doo? I thought the cartoon was so lame. But then again, I love the Transformers, who everyone else seems to despise, so taste is different for everyone.
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You have a very interesting couch-life… Not that much happens on mine except for the dog always trying to sneak up on it. As is sneaking up to lie on it, not sneaking up to attach it. That would just be silly!
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Well, when you spend a lot of time somewhere, that is where all the action is. I even do my Bitter News from the Couch on the couch.
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Ha! “who needs friends when you can have way cooler enemies?” Words of wisdom there. My husband and I went and bought two sofas. One is pink and one is blue. So our decor may look a bit funny, but we each have our own corner of the ring to retreat to. 🙂
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How cares how a house looks I always say. It how comfortable you are. As you can see from how I dress.
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