Men walking, uh falling on the grayish blue carpet.
They say that clothes make the man. Yeah, they make the man bitter. I guess I understand the need to wear them, but why does it have to be so complicated? Why did someone way back in the day make it necessary to have rules of fashion? Like things are supposed to match. Certain colors shouldn’t be worn after certain days of the year. Certain sandals should only be worn at the beach. Shorts should only be worn during the summer months, but only if your legs are darker than bleach. And if you are walking on a red carpet you have to have people with cameras and microphones judge who you wear. Yeah, you heard that right. Who you wear. I always thought clothes were things not people.
I think that the Red Carpet, the Met Gala, and every other carpet show needs to change. Not only the color of the carpet, but the kind of clothes that can be warn on it. And the judgement from the camera and microphone crowds needs to change from judging to observing (maybe sarcastically or snarkily, but observing).
So with further ado, Bitter Ben and Mister Matched present the Men’s Troglodyte Victor’s Secret Bitter Carpet show, where we walk the carpet, get pictures taken of us, we break all rules of fashion, and then when our walk is done, we just get back in our cars and go home. Because there is nothing inside. We wear clothes that fit and make us comfortable, regardless if they match, or are the right trendy color, or come with the right footwear and jewelry. And maybe we brush our hair or maybe we don’t. Welcome to the TVS MMBC’s or the Bitteries for short.
I will be your MC for the event, but first I have to walk the plank, uh I mean, the greyish blue carpet. Today, I’m wearing my Shaggy from Scooby Doo inspired outfit, which consists of a Green Polo, brown corduroy pants, shoes of some sort of mismatched brown hue, and a perpetually confused look on my face from eating too many Scooby snacks that are meant for a dog, and running scared from criminals that dress in fake masks. As I do my forward moonwalk on the carpet, I wave to the crowd uneasily as my talking dogs is nowhere to be found and eerie music plays in the background.
Separated…
…at birth?
First up, we have Confused about the weather Guy. He is wearing a light brown jacket with a black “vintage” Star Wars T-shirt that he got for $4.99 at the JcPenney’s sale rack, some green plaid shorts that zip up, a belt one size too tight, some white Nike socks, and Velcroed sandals. See the less than confident stroll he has as he goes to the beach. Watch his struggle to decide whether he should wear his $20 from Walgreen’s sunglasses, put them in his crowded pockets or if he should hang them with the stem from his shirt.
Welcome Socks and Sandals Guy!
Next, we have Just Got Home from Work Trying to get Comfortable Guy. Right next to his work clothes throw hastily on the floor, Comfortable Guy is wearing the random first black shirt he could see in his dresser, and pairs that up with some blue sports sweats that don’t match anything except the bruise he got from trying to play basketball way after any medical professional say he should.
Next on the Grayish Blue carpet, we have Going to the Mall on a Saturday Guy. His fashion reflects the amount of effort that coincides with his desire to go to the mall. He has backwards baseball cap to mismatch his favorite gray T shirt he slept in, along with a pair of jorts with the stain that will not go away. He pulls all that together with some shoes that he has worn with no socks many times, to wick that sweat directly toward him.
Then we have the Going to the Family Reunion Guy. He is wearing his “You better wear something at least a little nice” shirt, his blue “Sunday” pants, his brown socks and his worn to the leather works shoes. Watch his comfort level plummet as he is forced to stay way longer than should be legal at the reunion. Watch as he is stuck in perpetual purgatory, between having to meet another random relative that he will never see again until the next reunion, and trying to hide near the punch so he won’t have to talk to anyone anymore, to him getting in trouble for trying to hide near the punch bowl. See him imagine his Just Got Home from Work Trying to Get Comfortable outfit, before getting the “you need to be more social” lecture.
And lastly, we have Loot Crate Guy. The guy that just got his monthly Loot Crate, which contains the cool new T-shirt of the month, and some odd accessories. He will try to these as long as possible before getting the, “Okay, we need to take that off.” He’s wearing his 80’s style pixel sunglasses, the latest Spock vs. Spock rivalry T-shirt, a Daredevil/Punisher reversible beanie he has no business wearing, some Harry Potter socks, and his exclusive Vikings Drinking horn around his neck. This novelty wearing dude walks the grayish blue carpet confidently until his significant other quickly pulls him off the carpet to tell him that he looks ridiculous.
Watch Loot Crate guy try to mixe his Star Trek T-shirt…
…his Harry Potter socks…
…and accessorize with his Vikings Drinking horn around his neck.
Well, that was one amazingly bitter show this year folks. There was some definite buzz in the air this year, but we promise to get rid of the bees next year so that won’t be a problem. Until next year, I hope you get to get away with wearing some of these fashionable digs before someone comes along and ruins it for everyone.
ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Fashion Backwards Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I don’t think it’s limited to men. I saw a picture of a woman shopping at Walmart who was wearing emoji pants with an emoji shirt. Unfortunately they were different patterns and different colors. Thinking about it, there may be more women shopping at Walmart who could walk your fashionable runway.
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Walmart is kind of a fashion mecca. If I ever felt safe enough to go to one, I could definitely get some fashion tips.
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Oh my f’ing God, I loved this! I laughed the whole way through…..
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That’s a lot of ways through. Just make sure you aren’t hurting yourself!
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Mm, yes. I often wear the Just Got Home From Work Trying To Get Comfortable Look. It’s usually a 22-year-old T-shirt with holes in it and sweats that don’t match. When my neighbor used to knock on my door at my old apartment, I felt like I needed to change into some sort of This Is What Catalogues Say Ladies Lounge In Look with a sweater and lounge pants that matched. It took five minutes to change every time, and she always said, “Oh! Sorry I woke you up!”
I was never asleep when she knocked. 
ANYWAY, this goes against all bitterness, but I’ve come to bestow upon you the Sunshine Blogger Award because your bitterness = my happiness. Bitter people don’t have to do what they don’t wanna, so you don’t need to accept, but you can bitterly take in the fact that I enjoy your blog!
If you want to participate, here are some questions to consider:
https://midnightwithmegs.wordpress.com/2016/05/11/sunshine-blogger-award-pt-1/#more-3415
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There should be a Victor’s Secret fashion show just for the Just Got Home From Work Trying to Get Comfortable Look. I think there could be all kinds of different brands of T-shirts with holes, other sweats like looks for pants and sandals of all sorts.
It’s hard to have a neighbor that have the old Just Threw this Outfit on but Look Like I’ve Been Prepping it for An Hour look. I don’t know what I would do if I had someone like that to impress.
I thank you for your bestowal of the Sunshine Award. It is an honor to be on your shortlist of 7,309 people you nominated in order to get another Guinness Book of World’s Records. At least I get to be a part of this one!
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A gal’s gotta do what a gal’s gotta do to get in the GBWR every year. Those of us on the inside call it GBWR.
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Unfortunately, I’m not on the inside so I have to say Guinness Books of World Records. Ugghhh. Maybe someday when I get in, I can finally abbreviate it!
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Sorry, but it is true until you make your pan.
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I’m just glad you aren’t rubbing that fact in my face at all. Nothing to be bitter about here. 🙂
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You need to start your own fashion line Ben…. call it the Shaggy Doo 😉
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I keep wanting to start T-shirt line, but it would definitely be Bitter Ben Designs, where there would be Bitter Sayings on them.
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Don’t forget the bitter food stains printed on them. That way when I spill my food no-one will notice!
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Oh yeah, that is perfect idea. Fake food stains with bitter sayings. Especially for people that spill food on their shirts all the time. Then people can just use the shirt as an excuse.
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I wear whatever the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want. And often get looked at funny because of it.
Socks and sandals? Bring it.
White after labor day? Suck it.
Grey sweatpants with ankle cuffs? Got em.
Rules be damned.
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That’s what I think too. I dress for comfort and don’t care it is trendy. If it doesn’t fit, it doesn’t leave the closet.
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I like to keep up with the latest trends in casual wear …
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I like to keep up with the earliest trends and stick with them forever. Cause why waste money on clothes when you could waste them on video games.
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… so that I can laugh at them. As you see, I completely agree with you but didn’t get round to saying so! My tailor is the charity – you call it thrift – shop. The habit started at university when we got our clothes cheap from army and navy surplus stores and spent the money on beer and vinyl. Correct priorities, you see!
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Yep, new shirts are for chumps that like wasting money.
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i am thinking about opening a line of clothing based on Jaguar Paw and his wife from the movie Apocalypto….with an ensemble of rich toned full body paint- in blue, green, yellow, and brown- to match your ever changing mood.
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That’s an even better idea because it costs way less than actual clothes.
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Oh my god…’Loot Crate Guy’ Hilarious!!
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Loot Crate guy is me, before my wife gets ahold of me and tells me to change.
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Ok this is going to sound like a pitch, but if your a beer guy check out Dive Bar T-Shirt Club. My husband did this for 11 months and has some pretty freakin awesome t-shirts. 🙂 Worth a look anyway. 🙂
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I’ve actually never drank beer. But I love cheesy T-shirts with terrible sayings. Maybe I will check it out. Thanks!
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What a splendid event! I can’t wait for the 2017 Bitteries. I think next year I shall wear those delightful Harry Potter socks sported by Loot Crate Guy to walk the plank… er, carpet.
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It’s gonna be epic. Yeah, those Harry Potter socks are pretty cool and very comfortable. Speaking of HP, just watched Goblet of Fire last night and it was awesome. Again.
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ooh! Aaah! Washed out golf course in spring green. Be still my heart.
As for women, I’m rather fond of the Judy Tenuta look. Including a handbag in the shape of an accordion.
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Nothing wrong with Shaggy look right? As long as you are pretending to fight crime right?
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and your wife or mother doesn’t see you before you get out the door.
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They never do. I leave the house before 5:00 am every morning, so I sneak past the QA department thankfully.
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Preteeeeeending????
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Alright fine, committing crime.
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This just made me sad, not bitter.
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What made you sad? That we mister matched dressers don’t get more credit? Or that comfort dressing isn’t more ingrained in society?
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well, the falling down thing, so sad. I can work on my bitterness as the day goes on. I like your outfit, yes, that’s where the bitter comes in. lol.
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Well, yeah this show isn’t for people used to walking very well, like me for instance, who trips on a regular basis. And yeah, the outfit is Scooby Doo chic.
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lol!
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Now I’m wondering when fashion was invented. Do you think cave people criticized each other’s outfits?
‘Oh look Ooga. She wears Wooly Mammoth top with Saber-Tooth tiger slacks. So tacky.’
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I wonder too. I wonder when the rules came about and who invented the whole wearing white after Labor Day being a rule. The Confederate League of Saks Fifth Avenue and Macy’s?
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I did look into that once. I think it has something to do with when coal was the primary source of heat and rich people didn’t want to get their whites dirty.
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That makes a lot of sense. Good thing we don’t hold onto traditions for no good reason in the fashion industry.
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Wow, the variety is killing me. I’m so used to my husband’s couture variations on rock shirt with jeans, I think this is all a bit radical!
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You know me. Always being so trendy and fashion forward. And all about different choices. Maybe you should see if he could rock some of these other new ideas .
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I know. I think when I go home I should let him read your blog and see if he comes up with any new ideas. You know, his work look is really kind of innovative. It’s his company t-shirt with jeans! Then, there is the underwear look…
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Well, you know him and I were roommates in college and I’d be pretty insulted that he doesn’t read it on a regular basis.
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He said you were kind of a jerk.
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Yeah, I think that’s why he doesn’t follow my blog anymore. The good thing is that I haven’t changed a bit. I’m still a jerk.
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Oh good. He said he was thinking of reading your blog again but I’ll tell him not to bother.
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Yeah, he hated that I never helped out with the dishes.
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I didn’t know guys go through all that trouble to dress fashionably. I just throw on whatever I find in the dresser drawers. When I walk outside, I have gotten into the habit of looking down. Just to check to make sure I have pants on.
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We actually don’t most of the time. And it’s time to start acknowledging that we shouldn’t have to. If McDonald’s can have breakfast for dinner, why can’t we wear pajamas for work, and suits to bed?
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Your stunning grasp appropriate and compelling fashion must beggar the critics’s words.
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Hey, maybe the actual comfort of wearing clothes will finally start making sense instead of wearing clothes that match.
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I could totally rock the Shaggy look, complete with scruffy semi-shaven two-to-five-day beard. I think your coverage of it is fine, but I bet if we saw each other on the street or the catwalk wearing the same thing, neither of us would be upset. I’d be like, “BEN! Cool wardrobe!” and you’d be like, “DEON! Awesome fashion statement!” Whereas a woman would make me take her to the store and hold her purse while Mrs. M shopped for something different to avoid the social awkwardness of the female reaction to the same. And, make me shave. The BITTERNESS!!! 😦
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I think that fashion should stop dictating what we should wear. I mean just because the outfit doesn’t match or look good on us, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t get to wear them. They are still clothes and they cover our bodies. Why shouldn’t we be able to wear pajamas to work?
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Comment très démodé! (sounds cool in French, no?) No actually I’m all about comfort in fashion, which is why I’m in favor of being at home in my pajamas and slippers all day every day. If not for these damned bills, over which I am very bitter indeed, I wouldn’t have to wear anything but a bathrobe and my stylish flannel pants and a tee shirt. So I’m bitter about the requirements of wardrobe. Shoes even offend me. Also, as for fashion and comfort, I would be quite at peace just staying at home, clothing optional with my wife, where we only wore clothes when the kids were around. What’s with the guy falling in front of the ladies? They looked scared of him, or for him.~DM
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I’m just introducing a way for us less than fashionable people to get our own fashion show. You know, because we have to go in public sometimes and should get to wear what we want.
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