Wake up WordPressians!

/ bensbitterblog
Wake up, wake up wake up!

Wake up, wake up wake up!

I hate to say it, but I actually don’t really. I think I need to get some of those resuscitation paddles and yell, “Clear”! I don’t know if I need to pump you full of some adrenaline, or lace your caffeine with more caffeine, or shine a bright light in your face, or get a really loud alarm, because you guys have been lethargic lately. There has been no energy on WordPress lately and you guys need to snap out of it. I know it isn’t only me. I’ve done some research and found that one other person thought the same thing, so it must be true.

Here's an adrenaline shot for you!

Here’s an adrenaline shot for you!

It’s pretty pathetic that the most lethargic, lazy, bitter, monotone voiced, non motivation speaker has to be the one to tell you this, but you guys have been lethargic, lazy, bitter, monotone voiced, and non motivational people lately. That is my role, and you guys are the ones that are supposed to be the ones with energy. This role reversal is uncomfortable for all of us, so we need to reverse this curse immediately, or  Mercury might start spinning on its retrograde incorrectly and come to earth to destroy this nap I’m about to go take as soon as I finish this life draining motivational speech.

Here's comes Mars, oh great too late.

Here’s comes Mars, oh great too late.

It’s bad you guys. So bad, that I almost willingly did work at work yesterday, because I was getting tired from all the energy you weren’t putting out yesterday. I almost felt like helping people out, and skipping lunch. I was so tired from the lack of energy, that I was too tired to take a nap.

This is the humor section of WordPress people! I know none of you are stand up comedians, or sitcom stars or even your graduating classes, “Most Likely to Be a Class Clown”, but could you at least try to sprinkle a pun or two into your posts? Or make fun of someone at your work, or tell a bitter story about your kid that made you so bitter that the rest of the world could laugh at you? Geez Louise people.

Time to quit thinking that just because it is May, you can “go outdoors” and “have activities with your family” and get busy “going on vacation”.

Sarah singing for neglected posts.

Sarah singing for neglected posts.

Drafts are begging to be written, with Sarah McLachlan music playing in the background asking you to pledge just $40 a day, to help these poor neglected posts. Like buttons being so overworked on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter, that they have no more energy to be used on WordPress.  Comment sections are full of  tumbleweed rolling across them, with only occasional buzzards dropping by to offer “Buy Followers for only $50.”

Time for you “humorous” people to get back to doing what you are supposed to be doing. Time for you start avoiding work, and fun, and family and obligations again, so we can get back to annoying each other. Time for us stop being so productive and get bitter so we can turn to WordPress to get us through our pathetic lives. Get the word out to all you friends. I don’t care if you have to Tweet it, Instagram it, Pin it, Facebook it, Vine it, or whatever, but I need to go back to my normal bitter routine.  You need to do this for me, so I can go back to being the lazy, lethargic, pathetic, bitter one.

ARRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Wake Up So I can Sleep Ben

190 thoughts on “Wake up WordPressians!”

  5. Aww. Poor Ben. He’s bitter because he only gets like hundreds of people to comment on his posts. Well Boo Hoo Hoo. I’ve been doing this ridiculousness since January and just got my 20th comment on my 10th post. And here you are whining about not enough people commenting on your supposedly humorous posts. Get over yourself. Try pouring your heart and what little memory you have into posts to get just 2 comments and or likes. I know my writing smells, but it lets me hide from my family, so I do it anyway. But really 20 on 10? Maybe I’ll take up gardening or something.
    (Just kidding Ben. Really love your stuff and look forward to more bitterness.)
    Got to go, off to church now. Suppose they need more money too.

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  6. Oh Ben. I didn’t mean to make you bitter. Between work and work and work and some nice weather I’ve either been too busy or too tired to write much.. I’m not exciting anyway. I’m about to post a bittersweet tale of a dog that I snuck into and buried in a state park. Plot twist.. She’s been in the freezer since mid February. These are the days of our lives…

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    • It’s not you. It’s like everyone collectively decided to stop posting, commenting, like, following, so I just spurred it on a little and then sat back and relaxed about it. Like when I was in college and was in the cafeteria and threw a donut at someone, started the food fight, then got out of the way and watched the cafeteria start a riot.
      Um…your post doesn’t sound exciting at all. Just kidding. YOU’RE SNEAKING INTO A CEMETARY!!!!?

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    • Why are people afraid to comment on your posts? Are there a bunch of land mines around the comment section? Are there snipers that they are afraid of getting shot with? And please do win the lottery so I can claim we were friends before you won it and you can shower my blog with mucho dollares.

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      • I blame my extra-dark bitterness for their fear. and yeah I plan to win the lottery and then comment on as many posts as I can between bitter rantings about how being a millionaire sucks just as much as being poor. Yup, life with no financial concerns, a bass boat and a truck and freedom from having to work for shitty pay, and being able to help people who live like I have had to until that win, that kind of life is just chock full of reasons to be bitter. And I mean to explore them all in my blog as soon as the checks start rolling in.

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      • I’m over the moon if I get more than one comment on my posts! You have hundreds of comments so no need to be bitter Ben 🙂
        If I ever get more than 5 minutes to myself I’ll go back and read more of your older posts whilst eating pizza and lying on the couch (just to get me in the groove)

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        • Remember there is always reasons to be bitter. And honestly I don’t always get that many comments. It’s all relative.
          Have fun eating pizza. That always hits the spot when you are reading about bitterness.

          Liked by 2 people

  13. I am tempted to write a scathing response to your bitter blog entry, but the sun is shining and it looks like it will be a real nice day out. Oh look, a rainbow and it that a … unicorn? Headed outside. Bye.

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  17. Okay wait…so first you’re all, “Introverts need their headspace so they can create and do cool things with their amazing brains.” And then suddenly, you start extraverting, and it’s all Blah, blah, wake up peeps! Blah, blah, quit being so quiet and introverty and let’s talk about stuff! Plus, now I have a ridiculous urge to listen to Sarah McLachlan, and that music is really killing my creative brain cells. Argh!

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  18. In my last post I based my research on one other person too! I don’t know what you want from me!!! I didn’t have as many puns this last time. I’m slacking in the bad pun department.

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  21. now, I know you weren’t complaining/railing/expectifficating/ranting about me, no — because I’ve gone from < 1 post a month to, oh, well, more than a post per month these passed few. and though the inherent bitterness may not be obvious at first, it's there, in deep swirling intradimensional swirling (did I say that already?) thick and viscous and nasty, deep, swirling currents …

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    • Well, now that it is May, it is okay to stick your head out and start blogging it up and making my bitter laziness easier. So just ignore those political idiots and blog about something else that makes you bitter.

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  28. I resemble those remarks. Where did my sense of humor go? I think it packed itself into Moose Knuckle’s (former co-worker) pants and moved to another location, along with him. Who is left to make fun of? Double Stuff is now gone. Hypochondria is still here. I can hear her hacking up a lung right now.

    I swear, I’m trying to do better.

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  29. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. But in spite of that I manage to muster enough energy to leave a comment here. It’s a brain-dead sort of comment, but at least I work the keyboard, and somehow make my fingers move. So you should feel lucky to have me as a follower.

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    • I don’t know because I’ve never been diagnosed, but I sure do seem to be lethargic all the time. I don’t if it is my pure laziness brings that about or if my body is just protesting about not getting more pizza.

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      • If you want to be diagnosed, just go to the doctor and complain about all sorts of vague aches and pains and fatigue. It drives them nuts. To get rid of you, they diagnose you with Chronic Fatigue or Fibromylagia. And then you have an excuse to be lazy and eat pizza all the time.

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    • tippee: you talk (well, rite) about fallererz, and azz you have discuvverd, my blog duzzn’t have phallerurz, but crawlurz. maybe staggerurrz. ah can’t tell the differuntz.
      ‘
      and ben must have herd or smelled or saw that thing about me, ’cause all my posts HERE await something called moderation. i DON’T THINK HE REALLY WANTS MODERATSHUN! HE WANTS OUTRAGE!

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  30. Holy…I am glad you said this , I didn’t have the guts. It’s become so mundane here I have considered packing up for greener pastures, spreading my bitterness elsewhere. What to do? Where are all the mover’s and shakers?
    Is everyone in rehab?

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    • Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. You probably did a fantastic job on your pieces, but did people like it, comment on it, follow it? Probably not as many as you wanted right? Because people are being lethargic and need to get going. So, you know, I’m not the one trying to motivate people here.

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  33. It’s true. I’ve been so “lethargic, lazy, bitter, monotone voiced, and non motivational” that I only wrote 30 poems last month and hardly commented on anyone’s blog posts or said a single encouraging thing. This is what I like about you, Ben, you’re laser focused on life and solutions to other people’s problems. And what I need is exactly what you’ve suggested here: I need some more caffeine with my caffeine. I also need $287 M, a bass boat and a truck, and a secluded mountain-foot chalet overlooking a lake stocked with large catfish and surrounded by beef cattle and the odd goats and chickens, who are all well domesticated and know to stay the hell out of my garden and just grow big and fat and wait for the opportunity to be my guests for dinner (f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f!!). As for sprinkling in your puns, if your pun-cup doesn’t already “runneth over,” I’ll sprinkle something in it if you let me hold it for a few moments in private. I DID see a tumbleweed trail through my comments for many of these poems I’ve written, and I have to say I’m tired of those damned weeds drifting along, and it would be nice if someone did something about it.

    Despite the sarcastic-sounding tones, I’m NOT being sarcastic. Everything I have said here, my whole note ( o ) is pitch-perfect and true, including the fact that I need the caffeine and the cash. And the fact that I like you and your work. Keep it up.~Deon

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    • Geez only 30 poems? That like, uh doing math, um, 1 a day? That is terribly inefficient. I only did like .5 posts per day.
      I just think the citizens of WordPress are going through a lull right now and they need to knock it off. I’m trying to get distracted at work right now, but can’t because people aren’t putting enough effort into their posts to entertain me and make me forget about doing stuff at work. It’s very annoying.
      And yeah, I need lots of money so I can just do one post a day and then take several naps per day.

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      • it’s not inefficient math, it’s CO-Efficient math. (remember, you asked for this) When I get that $287M, come out to the chalet and we can co-ef-fishin-t together in my new bass boat. I can handle that kind of math. Practical math as in, how many steaks do we need for the grill tonight? How many beers realistically should one drink before worrying about alcoholism?

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        • The only cosigning I want to do is having someone co-sign on my mansion loan. And as far as winning the lottery, don’t tell me I’m going to win $287, when the payout is actually $154. That kind of math makes me bitter. And my kind of math is how many minutes can I sneak on a break before my boss starts yelling at me. Or how many minutes can I leave early before they start docking my paycheck?

          Liked by 1 person

  37. I awoke to an illusion. The illusion that everything is just flipp’n hunky-dory. Someone please pinch me, slap me, or knock me upside the head with a baseball bat. Thank you in advance for your assistance. Check is in the mail Ben.

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    • I would come there and knock you upside the head with a baseball bat, but I’m pretty tired right now. Need a nap. And I was never really that good at baseball, so I would probably miss unless it was on a tee(Tball style).

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      • LMAO – Thanks Ben. Get you nap and we’ll worry about locating a t-ball stand later. As far as the bat is concerned we might consider aluminum over wood as a wooden one would most likely break striking this hard head 😉

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  41. I was that one other person, was I not? I mean, I even got myself vitamin B poisoning in an attempt to get rid of my lethargy, so you can’t say I wasn’t motivated.

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