“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.” – Patches O’ Houlihan
“Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to Blade, Laser…Blazer.” – White Goodman
“Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.” – White Goodman
If you don’t know these names or quotes, you are missing out on one of the true classic movies of the last 15 years, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story. In fact, if you haven’t seen it, put this blog down right now, and go get yourself a VCR or laser disc player and rent it from Blockbuster. You won’t regret it. If you watch it and don’t have at least one quote from the movie in your head when you are finished, then you have a bad memory and should consider going to the doctor to that checked out. It is like the Office Space of the Dodgeball world.
It dreams of a world where the great sport of Dodgeball is a professional sport, played by real athletes and is broadcast on a true sports network, ESPN 8, the Ocho and has real fans like Chuck Norris, and is run by William Shatner. In a world where handball and trampolining exist as Olympic Sports, I’m pretty bitter that Dodgeball doesn’t exist past the high school Physical Education level. It’s that kind of sad decision making that makes me want to move to Mars and live alone.
That being said, I had the opportunity to relive my glory years of Dodgeball dominance last night because we played as an activity for Scouts. Since I embarrassed myself a couple of months ago playing football, I decided that I couldn’t pass another chance to embarrass myself. I disappointed them though, because I was hard target to get out. It might be that I was hiding behind some kid the entire time, but at least they got to laugh at how I was more out of breath after the first round than most people are at the end of a marathon.
Despite my success, there were no (talent) scouts in the gym last night, which means I wasn’t recruited to play in the pro league that should be coming out as soon as this post is published. But I had someone tape my highlights on their phone and I will be sending that to the talent scouts soon. Though I have some injuries to take care, I assume I will be getting the call soon. And I plan on being the first Dodgeball player in history to start the league on the Injured list.
I will be working hard to get back in play though. I need to go into the lab for some much needed repairs. I’m going to get my arm replaced with a cybernetic arm from the CyberDyne corporation, my two shotty knees replaced with some ball pein hammer heads, my back with some ElastoPlastic, the new material used in 3D printers, and my feet replaced with some Dr. Scholl’s Gel inserts, so I can start Gellin like a felon.
After these much needed repairs, all I will need to do to be in top form for my debut is to get my lung capacity back from the 80’s, when I was able to sit on the couch for hours and still get up without as much struggle. But that shouldn’t be hard to do. I just need a DeLorean with a flux capacitor to go back and get my 14 year old lung capacitor.
I can’t wait for you to see me on my debut on ESPN 8, the Ocho, where I get endorsements for Pizza Hut, Lazy Boy recliners, and Ed’s Remote Control Shack, and then you get to hear my speech right after, when I announce my retirement from the sport of Dodgeball because of debilitating injuries from being repeatedly smacked in the face by my own teammates for smack talking them the whole game, and I go down as the league’s worst player ever.
It’s gonna be just another Tuesday.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Dodgeball Loser Ben
Obviously you do not live in Michigan. Kids are no longer allowed to play dodgeball. It’s too dangerous for them. Unfortunately, you will never be a star here.
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That kind of makes me bitter. I may have to skip Michigan on my Dodgeball Olympic qualifying tour. I was kind of looking forward to seeing all those great lakes and the house of Tim the Tool Man Taylor.
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Enjoying your posts and using it to relax after a rotten day at work 😕
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Aren’t all days of work rotten? Or is that just me?
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All days…trust me…I know 😕
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Yep, it’s all days that make drive us to blog about them.
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I totally agree, it’s an instant classic
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It should be required viewing in schools.
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Dodgeball is a game of violence, exclusion, and degradation. Who couldn’t use a little more degradation in their life. Great post.
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Exactly right? Whenever you start feeling too good about things, go on out to the local crappy gym and sign up to play a little game of Dodgeball. Nothing better to make you fell bitter.
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a complete (mercifully short) essay which wraps IT up and states the case. yes, YOU will make it “big” (no i didn’t originally even think about your size) in the D-BAWL leagues. and you’re way (weigh?) better and above me, in that i aspire to improve to mediocrity in any of my so-called(ron) athletic pursuits ~
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I think I could make a living at this. I could just stick back try to dodge and be the last player standing everytime.
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What a gig you got going!
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I wish it was a gig. I sure do a lot of work on this blog for now money. Now if I got paid for it, definitely a great gig, to complain about stuff and get paid for it.
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We have professional dodgeball teams in the Netherlands! You can always try sending in your tape to them 😉
Btw, I remember watching this film with my parents a few years ago and my mom nearly rolled off the couch from laughing. It’s really her kind of humour :’)
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No way! I think I need to move there right now! Do they show it on TV?
Yeah, I think it gets better every time I watch it again. I love movies like that.
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I’m not sure about the TV part. I’ve never seen it. Then again, I hardly watch sports.
Yes, it’s a good movie if you want an easy laugh without having to really put effort into following the story. I hate movies like the latter. I just want to be entertained!
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Every once in a while I’m in the mood for a movie that is a little heavy, but for the most part I just want to be entertained. Make me laugh, blow stuff up, or get the heck off my BluRay player!
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Exactly!
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Dude, you haven’t played dodgeball until you’ve done it blind! Everyone kept thinking I was doomed because I couldn’t wear my glasses during dodgeball (for unsportsmanlike if obvious reasons), but I’ve got mad hearing skills and was almost always last out. We need to form a team! The Bitter Ballers?
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That would be awesome. I’m not much of a thrower to get people out, but I was pretty awesome at avoiding getting hit, which makes no sense because I’m old and slow and big. But for some reason it was driving these kids crazy that they couldn’t get me out. We could cause massive delays until they got so tired they wanted to give up. Bitter Ballers for the win!
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Agh! I’m not sure, butter you might go to prison because I accidentally marked your comment on my blog as spam.
::panicked pant::
Things were cool, I wanted to advise that you send Rainn Wilson snail mail to mend a relationship that sounds broken, and BAM, I dropped my phone and when I picked it up, it said I marked your comment as spam.
I don’t even know what that means, except that it’s another reason why I can’t have nice things.
Just needed to give you a heads up, ib case you go to prison tonight or something.
Also, not to make a remark about your age, but shouldn’t you play dodgeball with people, um, who are in your age group? Hiding behind a kid seems like an unfair tactic.
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Mmmm butter…
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You bitter believe it!
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So that’s why the cops showed up at my door this afternoon, and why I’m writing the comment from the back of this stinking cop car.
Anyways, nice try blaming your phone. I’m sure that will make my 30 years in jail go that much better.
I would normally not play Dodgeball at all, but I got suckered into it by the scouts that I’m supposedly supposed to be in charge of. They think I’m not cool if I’m not getting pummeled in the face by a dodgeball, so you know, it’s peer pressures fault.
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Can I admit here that I’ve never in my life played Dodgeball…..
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No you may not admit that. Keep that deep dark secret to yourself and go immediately to rent it so you don’t have to ever admit it.
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Whoops, I misread that. I see you said, PLAYED Dodgeball. It is fun and was a required part of phy ed, thank goodness.
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I’ve never PLAYED nor WATCHED Dodgeball. Blame it on the fact I’m Scottish.
I won’t mention the fact I’ve lived in the USA for nearly 6 years though…. 😉
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I’m Scottish too, but only by ancestry. So that isn’t an excuse. Get out there and play some Dodgeball!
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Tell you what. I’ll play dodgeball if you play shinty.
Use your Scottish ancestry to unleash the violence…
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That sounds great. What the heck is shinty and how badly is it going to mess up my shin splints and cause me to lose my breath?
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It’s like a cross between field hockey, ice hockey (without the ice) (nor woosey padding) and lacrosse but much more violent. I don’t know why it’s not bigger over the world. You would have thought the speed and violence would appeal.
Count yourself lucky if you only get shin splints and nothing broken… And you’ll only lose your breath if you’re not the goalie.
I’d send you a link but still learning how to go my new phone.
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Well, it sounds absolutely exhilarating. Is there Quidditch involved too? A Golden Snitch? Bludgers? Can I fly on a broom?
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Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Us Scottish invented quidditch ye ken. Shinty, golf, quidditch, actually we invented ALL the sports.
Good job you’re part Scottish isn’t it?
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Yeah, I will claim the the invention of all the Scottish sports as well as claiming basketball as a American sport cause I was born here. Best of both worlds.
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Please tell me you did the “We will Rock You” snake fang hands as you walked onto the court!
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You bitter believe we did. Also we kept saying Laser, Blaze, Blazer and “if you can dodge a wrench…”
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Clearly you, Ben, and Ms Bergen have been knocked awry by all the bitterness because it’s actually Thursday!
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But the actual event happened for me yesterday in my time zone, which was Tuesday.
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Love_That_Movie.
Remember searching for movies at Blockbuster? Why was it so much more productive than searching through Netflix?
Hi, Ben!
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Yep, Dodgeball is the best.
I miss going to Blockbuster/Hollywood Video and actually walking the aisles to find a movie. Now we either have to find something in Netflix or go to some outdoor RedBox thing.
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If there is in fact anyone out there that has not seen this movie 100 times or more, I’m sad for humanity. This should be required viewing in high schools across the country.
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You are so right there, IG! There are almost too many lines to count that made this movie. In fact, I need to watch it tonight in order to meet some more Dodgeball requirements.
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Kudos to you for teaching your scouts that human shields are a thing. That is a necessary survival technique in a multitude of environments away from the dodgeball court.
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Yep, it was especially important when we played Medic. I made sure I had shields all around when I was the medic. There were some entertaining head/nut shots.
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I use “if you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball” as words of encouragement all the time. People usually have no clue what I’m talking about.
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Seriously? People have no idea? What is wrong with this world that doesn’t know that saying. I say it all the time too.
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If you get all those replacement parts you will be a superhero not just a dodge ball player. One question is BlockBuster still in business?
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But knowing me, I would waste all those replacement parts on being a Dodgeball player instead of a hero. And yeah, Blockbuster is out of business, and VHS and Laserdisc are out of business too. Just being sarcastic.
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Ahh I thought perhapsn In was missing something somewhere
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Nope, I wish Blockbuster. I miss going somewhere to get a video instead of just pushing a button on my TV.
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It does get one out of the house. 🙂
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Which I rarely do, but would do to get enough movies to stay home for a long time.
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🙂
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I love playing dodgeball. SO much fun. But that movie is a colonoscopy of a movie. I hate it. Could be because of my extreme disliking of Ben Stiller.
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I guess I like colonscopies then, because I loved the movie. Differing tastes I guess. And Dodgeball is great, but I’m definitely not in shape for it.
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if you loooove colonawsome skapeez then (shameless persunull plug hear) scroll thru’ my archives to “and i hope you don’t mind”. i think that is either the title or part of it. i’m getting another c-scopy next year (if i live ’til then) and I KNOW it’ll be something i can blog about! plus there’s the swilling of the evile substances designed to emptee your system of ALL&EVERYTHING which i will mix 50/50 with whiskey … or tequila. haven’t decided THAT yet …
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Colonoscopies sound super fun. Maybe I will get get one for fun this weekend.
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Another fellow would be Dodgeball champ. I was great, I could move right to left fast as a …something. I gave up my career in pro Dodge to become a brain surgeon. I still miss the days, make me bitter ben.
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That sounds pretty horrible that you had to become a brain surgeon, when you could have been a star Dodgeball player.
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makes me bitter!
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Yeah, who needs brain surgeons? But Dodgeball players people definitely need.
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There’s a huge shortage, I could have been a contender.
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I know right? Brain surgeons are a dime a dozen, but dodgeballers are as rare as my steak last night.
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We are a rare and fine breed. Maybe some day…sigh.
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It’s gonna be funny seeing myself stumble on ESPN Ocho in front of a national audience.
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I will be waiting in hopes of a good laugh, it eases the bitterness when some one else falls by the wayside.
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There is nothing funnier than seeing someone stumble. It’s why everyone loves gifs so much.
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laughing…I must be a real hoot then.
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See, you are funnier than you think!
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Yeah, except it’s Wednesday, right? I mean, please tell me it’s Wednesday because I washed my hair and I only wash my hair on Wednesdays. But I digress…dodgeball is the most barbaric sport ever, right up there with The Gladiators and I’ve seen the movie and can’t remember any of the quotes.
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You need to get your memory checked. I mean you clearly can’t even remember what day it is, so recalling something easy like a quote from Dodgeball isn’t in the cards for you.
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Wait, who is this?
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Your favorite famous blogger that gets a lot of money from you to do posts.
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Oh, right. And I was in the middle of sending you a check, right?
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No, you were in the middle of ignoring me siphoning money from your account.
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Oh right…
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It was a good time.
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it’s Thursday! and even/oddly i don’t know HOO thiss izzz !
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