What I did on my Summer Vacation (or Spring. Whatever)

/ bensbitterblog
I'm ready for my speech.

I’m ready for my speech.

Remember those days when you were a tiny little thing that took naps in Kindergarten instead of prepping for the SAT’s? When life was simple and instead of writing an essay about Lincoln’s presidency your teacher asked you to write what you did for you summer vacation? Well, I had a week off last week and I have decided to regale you with my grown up happenings on my week off. No, it wasn’t for three months like they used to give us and no it wasn’t really summer last week, but I’m not in kindergarten anymore either. I graduated Bitter Bum Laude last year from Kindergarten, cause I can eat paste like no other, and can recite the alphabet backwards if given enough time. And they are going to read my essay about what I did last week on vacation at the Kindergarten Writer’s Guild Awards, so take that Tommy, my bitter Kindergarten rival who thinks he’s so smart. My paper mache tree has way more flowers than yours.

So Mrs. Firkser(my actual kindergarten teacher), here is what I did on my Summer Vacation (or week off in spring).

I did some…

Long Distance Shooting  – Though I’ve been practicing this skill for many years, I really delved into this skill during my summer vacation. I was able to master the art of the remote control by changing the channel on my back, in the kitchen by bouncing the signal off the mirror and even behind the back volume control.

Learned long distance shooting.

Learned long distance shooting.

Learned a new craft – You should always try to find a new craft that can not only become a hobby, but also something that will come in handy for survival. I learned a molding technique in which I was able to mold my body into a couch. This took many hours to perfect, and not only allowed me to be camouflaged but provided a second nap area, when the bed was already made.

Learned how to couch mold.

Learned how to couch mold.

Went on Sightseeing Tours – One of the best things about vacation is that you can take casual things like take tours of fantastic locations. I went on multiple extensive tours of dams, boats and broken down cities in the Gears of War 4 Beta. They were absolutely stunning in 1080p, especially when getting in chainsaw battles with hideous creatures.

Guided Driving Excursions – Took leisurely drives to exotic locations with tour guides.
Took a trip with a little kid who told me how to get to his elementary school multiple blocks away. Took another trip with another kid to her middle school several points of a mile away. Drove on a tour of many wild animals called “middle school students” with their wild manes and elusive gazes.

Survived the school drop off.

Survived the school drop off.

Took a Jungle Excursion –  Cut through the high grasses and thick, dense trees of the Serengeti de Backyard. Cut down grass with motorized grass cutter, and cut down multiple tree branches with motorized tree branch cutter to get a stunning view of the many weeds and exotic “Nerf Guns”, “Soccer Balls” and an ancient jumping device and lawsuit attractor the natives called Trampoline.

Survived the jungle.

Survived the jungle.

Discovered a Private Waterfall – With all the exciting adventures of the summer, was so distracted, barely realized that not far from my couch molding experience was a secret, private waterfall. If you turned a dial in just the right way, it allowed for the water to change temperatures from cold (in the color blue) to hot(with the color red). I even found some exotic stones that could be used for washing the hair and body. Though it was a refreshing place once during the summer, I didn’t want to overuse it, so I only wanted to venture there once, so I could preserve it in its natural habitat.

Discovered a new waterfall.

Discovered a new waterfall.

Though I am not glad to be back from my summer vacation, because doing those many things makes me need to have another vacation, I am glad that I got to experience this once in a lifetime summer. Well, until next month when I get another summer vacation where I plan to do many of the same things.

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Summer Vacation Ben

36 thoughts on “What I did on my Summer Vacation (or Spring. Whatever)”

    • I am so bitter about those Nerf Guns. It used to be almost everyday we would see those stupid little bullets everywhere and I wanted to punch them in the face if they had one. Then I wanted to tell my son to go to his room forever for not picking them up, but my wife keeps vetoing that.

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        • Yeah, talk about the Hills have Eyes. They are all potential bitter adults someday if they don’t grow out of their middle school ways. My daughter is becoming one of them, so I have to try to save her before it is too late.

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        • “Save” suggests that you’ll wear your Bitter Superhero suit and cape. So I recommend that you put that on and confine her to the house until she’s 18. By then she’ll remember that parents are the best and stop with the Scary Eyes.

          I have no children, but I’m really good at offering parental advice.

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  7. toadulleee ay-maze-ing, with sum grace, even/oddly. yoove gawt a bunch more imagination than i — as you have a varied and in-depth and such VAYCAYSHUN, whereby i go outside into the yard, and if i’m lucky (and have the presence of mind of, say, TWO AMOEBAZZ), just blink stoopidlee.

    but basically, no matter what or where, IT IS A JUNGLE OUT THERE

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  9. “Play under the waterfall” once a week, whether you need it or not. That’s what my mama always said. No, that was my dad. Mama said daily! 🙂 Glad you enjoyed your exotic stay-cation, Ben.

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  11. You seem like a well-traveled man of the world, at least within your own world. Did you have encounter any problems with foreigners, or do you have a “No Solicitors” sign on your door?

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