If you’ve noticed the lack of enthusiasm coming from this side of the bitterblogosphere, it’s because I’ve been on vacation this week. Going to exotic locations like the grocery store, the movie theatre and the backyard to avoid getting a lawsuits because of our stupid trampoline. I don’t generally go to exotic locales because you guys haven’t exactly contributed to my Kickstarter fund, which is all about making me independently wealthy, by virtue of making you guys all dependently poor. Since that hasn’t been trending on Twitter, my dream of living off your nightmares hasn’t come to fruition, but you know, when have my dream ever come true? That’s why I’m so bitter all the time.
Speaking of me trying to live off your nightmares, doesn’t it just make you so bitter that things just aren’t fair all the time in life? I’m guessing your mom or dad has probably been telling you since the beginning of time that life isn’t fair, just like mine. But it doesn’t mean you should have to suppress those bitter feelings about it. Unless you are an introvert like me and instead you just like to write essays and blog posts about it.
Like for instance, how in the heavens name can companies try to pretend like there is a thing called work-life balance? I don’t know about you, but I work 5 days a week and go to church one day a week. If there really was a balance, I would work 3 1/2 days, and be home 3 1/2 days. And I wouldn’t work 12 months out of the year, I would work 6(I would even give up my sick days and vacation days. Just kidding, I wouldn’t.) and the commute time would be part of my work day (at least the drive there) and the companies should pay for that. Either that, or quit trying to make up this thing called work-life balance. And they should go halfsies on vacation expenses, and gas for work. It’s pretty clear work is on the high side of the teeter totter.
Speaking of balance, why are only people that defy gravity able to juggle? I mean just because I lean a little to the left because of a shorter leg, have a short attention span when it comes to throwing three balls in the air for more than three or four times, and not a fan of gravity, why can’t I be just as good at juggling as the pro jugglers? Why does juggling have to be so elitist towards people with good balance? And why should they get all kinds of ravenous, loyal fans just because they can throw a bowling ball, a chainsaws and a gas can in the air? Why can’t I get mad fans for being able to scowl in several different ways? Why does that kind of talent not make the finals of America’s Got Talent and lose bitterly to the ventriloquist? Because when it comes to talent, jugglers get the top rung of the ladder.
And when it comes to entertainment that both thrills and is the cause of the vast majority of potential injuries and lawsuits at our house, the trampoline wins the World Series of NBA Championship of Golf Super Bowl. I don’t know if it’s the stretchy material that has the potential to launch someone 15 feet in the air, the proclivity to attract 40 neighborhood kids to gather on a tramp at a time like dudes are to chicken wings, or if it is the tendency for kids to try doing flips, flops and odd contorting on a tramp that they never attempt on land, but those things are a circular, metal springed, lawsuit waiting to happen. And here we are with an improperly balanced tort machine when we should be jailed for our imbalance of even letting kids anywhere near that thing. Good thing they won’t ever attempt to do anything stupid on there.
Well, I’m sure you thought this post started out on a great note and then faded from there. But I’m a writer dang it, and just because this post wasn’t completely balanced just perfectly for you, maybe you shouldn’t be such a hypocrite. I’ve seen your checkbook and it isn’t balanced either. Some excessive money in your account hasn’t been donated to Kickstarter. Balance it up, weirdos.
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Out of Balance Ben
^theme
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What are you tlking bout? Did autocorrect mess up a worth?
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Yes.
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Living off the nightmares of others was a there in the partially animated film ‘Twice upon a time’ (produced by George Lucas). Reading your essay reminded me of that. Good luck with the Kickstarter campaign. Maybe we should start a Kickstarter FOR the Kickstarter?
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That would be great. Any money I can embezzle from people would be great.
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Can this post get anymore hilarious then it is right now? I feel sorry for all those who work with you, who have to laugh at your jokes all day :p
Jokes aside, thanks for this post man! As always awesome.
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They feel sorry for me yes. But it’s mostly because they don’t have senses of humor. And their sarcasm detectors are broken, so they don’t get any of this.
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lol sad for them. Good for us.
Have a fun day Ben 🙂
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I’m no good at fixing things, so I’m afraid I will just have to deal with people’s sarcasm detector’s not working. I’ll just have to continue working with my bitterness.
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You’d be most wanted if you can cure or fix sarcasm detectors my dear. Till that time I think I am going to enjoy the bitterness. We are thankful for it, bitter lord.
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I’m thinking that maybe I don’t want to fix them though, because I like messing with people that don’t understand it.
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lol that’s evil kinda fun :p
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Well, you know, subtle torture is kind of my thing…
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Vacation … er, do you guys know the phrase “busman’s holiday”?
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Nope. Is it a good thing?
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It’s doing the same thing on vacation as you do in the day job.
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I do a little less at home than I do at work, because at work, I have to work a little harder at slacking.
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Haha, great way to put it!
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Slacking is my favorite, but it is delicate balance.
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And you’re a Naruto fan, to boot.
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I wouldn’t say I’m a Naruto fan, just a fan of that gif.
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https://wordpress.com/tag/lack-of-enthusiasm
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whwn somebody gets on your nerves you feel like this
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And people get on my nerves all the time.
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Balance is surely under-rated…
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I think it is overrated. I think we need more imbalance. I need to work way less.
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It seems that work-life balance refers to balancing the overtime hours with your non-working hours. This 5 day work week idea has been around for 90 years..I think it’s time for a change!
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I think a lot of things that will probably never make a change, but the holidays in this country are way too few, the hours way too long and the burnout on people way too much. If we had less work, we would be a much less bitter people.
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i sumwhut can’t berleave that know-wun hazz oar hazzn’t kawmintid, yet.
balance. bitter. bulbousness. blue-babbaroonie. hmmm. all “b” werdz.
readin’ at this blog burrring!zzz out the pro-found in me. aw-pause-it of pro … lost? profoundly lost?
speekinuv knight-mares (as compared to, say, night-time stallions, or) — i continue to regularly entertain or experience of undergo nightmares, ‘cept i’m not as scared (still bitter, tho’) nor de-railed by ’em. for example, i had to get out of a friend’s car to open a gate, ‘cept that he (and they) didn’t go thru’ the gate but drove away and i expected them to come get me, ‘cept they didn’t, and i was barefoot, and it was a long way to walk wherever it was, and i wasn’t particularly depressed, i had shorts and a t-shirt and the nightmare/dream-cycle sun was shining (which, reminds me — I HAVE NEVER NOTICED NOR SEEN THE SUN IN A DREA.M. OR. NIGHTMARE). sort of a filtered sad source-less light. there were hillbillies and i was in a sort of appalachian demented hillbilly village and fortunately i didn’t even think of “deliverance” or anything like that.
sad, huh?
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i’m also bitter ’cause i’m not on “bitterlings” today.
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Well, I wish I was in control of bitterlings, but I’m not. I think there is some randumb formula that determines whether you are on bitterlings or not.
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Many people commented but I just didn’t answer, so they didn’t show up. I was taking a break from work (and commenting too I guess), but don’t worry. Now I’m back and worse than ever!
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Oh, heck! My life has always been so unbalanced, that to be what the rest of the world calls “balanced” would make me feel unbalanced. And yes, I am bitter about that fact, in an unbalanced way, of course. Thanks for bringing the topic up.
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I’m always glad to bring up a topic that causes bitterness and imbalance in another. I’m just glad you are as imbalanced as the rest of us!
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Smiling
Fun days
Cheers
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Thanks
For your
Comment!
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I have serious balancing problems 😦 I’m always the only below-fifty loser that has to hold on to the wall when stretching my legs. I totally get you on this, Ben, I totally do.
And I think trampolines are scary. Especially with three kids and a dog on them. And me. It’s just… not a good combination.
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I can’t even stretch when holding a wall, so you aren’t the worst off there. And yeah, that trampoline has caused more injuries and close call injuries and me being out of breath than just about anything in the world.
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Good column, enjoyed the life is not in balance theme and the excellent puns.
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I find that puns are the thing that brings the balance to life that no sense of humor takes from us.
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The Work-Life Balance works like this: First you work, then you retire. Then you hope your retirement years will last at least as long as your work years. Even though, if they do, you’ll be very old and sick all the time.
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So you go to school for 12-20 years, work for 40-50 years, and then get how many years to retire? If I’m lucky, I will get half a year to retire and that half year will be spent being bitter that I didn’t get to retire when I was young.
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School can count as non-work years, as long as your grades were low enough.
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That’s true. I did my fair share of not studying and doing my best to skate by with C’s.
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Oh, but there is a work/life balance. You work 8 hours and have the other 16 hours to do what you want.
True, sleep takes up 8, and if you have children at home the remaining 8 aren’t your own. But life has trade-offs. In those 8 hours, you get to enjoy A/C, walls that don’t show the pattern of concrete blocks, an entertainment center, living room furniture, and someone to cook for you. Because I hate A/C and don’t care if I have living room furniture or an entertainment center, I can work 15 hours a week.
Were you to try that, the words “man cave” would take on a whole new meaning. 🙂
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But if you think about it you work 8 hours, but that doesn’t count lunch, or the traffic on both sides. If you go an hour each way, really work takes up 11 and that makes me bitter.
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I work 15 hours a week at a day job and write at night. The gasoline for an hour commute could fund a child’s first year of college. 🙂
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That sounds like the amount of hours I want to work in a week. Too bad kids food isn’t powered by dreams and unicorns.
And yeah, you do have to sell your kids future for gas to work.
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Actually, an excessive amount of money has been transferred out of my bank account into a Kickstarter Fund under the name of Bitter Ben’s Vacation Fund. I’m just trying to figure out who transferred it there…
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It was me. And might I say that it wasn’t near enough. So I’ll need to speak to your bank for some more.
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Okay, think they sent me an alert about you…
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Good thing you just ignored it and went on with your life.
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That’s usually my MO.
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It’s pretty helpful when I’m siphoning money from your account.
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