Pizzalympics

/ bensbitterblog
Let the games begin!

Let the games begin!

I’m only good at a few things. I excel at laying on the couch. I can make macaroni and cheese. I’m pretty good at almost finishing things in video games. I’m pretty great at zoning out at a moment’s notice. On Friday, when I was getting my pizza, then driving to the library, I realized that I excel at driving while having a hot pizza in my car. I was able to navigate the city streets, while grabbed a poorly cut pizza, and simultaneously grabbing it at just the right angle so it didn’t spill all over my shirt, which is kind of funny, because when I’m just sitting at my desk, I can manage to spill just about every time.

When thinking about this, it lead to me think that there are probably other pizzaficiandos across the world that are almost as talented as me in certain pizza aspects. Then I realized the Olympics are coming this year. And I thought, “Why isn’t there a Pizzalympics?”

Here are just a few Pizza Event ideas that could be implemented:

Pizza Delivery: Drivers navigate a busy route, with obstacles, while trying to eat hot pizza. They are judged by how few stains they get on shirts, how little they get on their car seats, the angle of the way they hold the pizza and how much they finish before they get to their destination.

Pizza Cake: Blind taste testing. This is not for the weak of pizza constitutions. Pizzathletes are tasked with blind tasting pizza and identifying a stray piece of onion, squid, sardine or other weird tasting ingredient.

Can you endure?

Can you endure?

Pizza Marathon:  You are starving, and nothing will quench your craving but pizza. You must call pizza delivery and endure the 45 minutes to infinity that you may have to endure waiting for your pizza. Outwit, outplay, outlast your opponents in the ultimate contest of endurance.

Pizza Pipeline: A winter event where people ride on their backs on a downhill track while eating pizza. Judged by how fast they get down the track, but higher percentage of points on how much of their pizza is finished.

Ultimate Pizza Frisbee: A contest of pizza tossing to teammates and pizza receiving in their mouths in order to get a touchdown of pizza deliciousness.

How far can you toss it?

How far can you toss it?

Pizza Pockets: Similar to pool, a turn based contest of angles and getting pizza rolls into six different pockets.

Pizza Party: A party of six people giving their requests to the pizza orderer and that person getting an order called in in the fastest time, getting the least amount of complaints and losing the least amount of hair, and going the least amount of insane.

Pizza Box High Jump: Progressively jumping higher and higher amounts of pizza boxes from dorm room collections.

How high can we jump?

How high can you jump?

Pizza Sauce 50m Freestyle: Swimming in 50 meters of pizza sauce the fastest.

So pizzathletes, what events do you want to see? Any you would excel at?

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Pizzaficianado Ben

86 thoughts on “Pizzalympics”

  1. Pizza Jenga… Pizza frisbee – depending on hardness of the crust how far you can throw them…. Pizza ice-skating – how long you can skate on frozen pizzas… Pizza trivial pursuit – you eat the triangle you get the correct answer to (mine would always have a slice in the science and nature and sports sections 😦 )
    Love that I’ve found your blog… it’s hilarious!

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  2. I always thought I’d be a good pizza repairwoman. The cheese always falls off my pizzas, so I’ve gotten really good at reattaching it so it looks as good as new. Well, as new as a slice of pizza with several bites out of it can look. Oh, and I can catch falling toppings using the pizza slice they just fell off of, which you have to admit is a mad skill!

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  8. Sign me up for Pizza Pockets in the 30-35 age category. I actually drive worse if there is a hot pizza in my car so I’m opting out of that one. I guess I crumble under the pressure? Or maybe it’s because the hot, steamy cheese smells distract me…

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  9. When I went to college I was driving with one of my friends there for the first time and I asked him if he was a good driver. He said, “Put it this way: I used to be a pizza delivery guy. I always drive like there’s a pizza in my car.” He is a terrible driver 😝 your post reminded me of this!

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  11. You know what, I think you might be on to something here. Your pizzalympics sound a lot more fun than the actual Olympics. I’d watch!

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  12. I’m very impressed with Bryan Cranston’s pizza toss. Except that it seems a waste of a perfectly good pizza. Therefore, I propose a pizza event where he who wastes the least amount of pizza while tossing it into the air and catching it in his mouth, is the champion.

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  13. How about the “Cheese Stretch”? Like who can stretch the melted cheese the farthest when getting a slice of pizza from the box? I can do two or three feet, at least. A brand new, unstained white shirt is a magnet for pizza sauce; wear a grungy old shirt and you can drop a slice face down and it won’t leave a mark. 🙂

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  16. Two questions:

    No “Pizzathon”?

    and when you say you can make macaroni and cheese – are you talking about opening a box of Kraft and then a package of cheeselike powder while boiling noodles? If, by some miracle, you mean making it from scratch – please send me the recipe! My house is located in a no-Kraft zone.

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    • Oh there was a pizzathon, but it was similar to one of the other events, so I gave it up.
      And yeah, it is the regular mac and cheese. As far as a homemade recipe, I just get some noodles and slap on some cheese and it works just find for me.

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    • I always had to order pizza for my department and it would drive me crazy that I would get like 7-8 different requests and someone was always blaming me when the pizza was late, or one person didn’t get the right kind, or the soda wasn’t diet, or the breadsticks weren’t enough. Arrrrrghhh!

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