There was the one time. So many years ago. I was on the track team in seventh grade and I needed some shoes. My mom took me to Payless to get a cheap pair. They were bright white and very uncomfortable. Everyone saw them. They couldn’t really miss them. I wore them for a few days and just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t be the guy that only had five shirts and shoes that were so white they could have been part of this year’s Oscars. Everyone else’s were grey and blue and green. I couldn’t be the guy that was so preoccupied with the stupid white shoes that I couldn’t even concentrate on track. I begged my mom to let me get a new pair. Finally, not being a whiny brat paid off when I finally whined about something. Maybe there is something to being a squeaky wheel.
We went to the Foot Locker. I immediately saw the pair I wanted. They were not generic and white. There was a swoosh on the side. They were red. And best of all, below the soul of the foot, there was a cut out with a clear plastic window revealing a revolutionary idea. Air. In shoes. You could actually see within the shoe there was air. No other shoe had ever done such a thing. Other shoes probably hid toxic fumes or sludge or whatever, but these shoes, they were transparent before transparency was a thing. The air made you faster, it made you sleeker, and when you ran on them, it showed exactly how the air made you faster than anyone else.
The best part? Even though they were an unheard of $75 at the time, my mother said she would buy them for me. Made me promise to do this and do that, and I promised who knows what. All I knew is that I would finally not be the guy that wore the crappy white shoes. I didn’t wear them to school the next day, no. I put them in my track bag. Then, when track finally came, I pulled those shoes endowed with the power of the Gods and Nike out of my bag. I laced them up, pushed down on the cushion of air, and was immediately mobbed by my fellow co-runners. “Whoa, where did you get those? How does it feel to run on air? What happens when you walk? What is the bubble made of? How did you become so much cooler than us overnight?”
The track coach even got a glance of them. “Cool shoes,” he said, before he yelled at everyone to get out there and start running laps. I stood up straighter than I ever had. I walked with the confidence of an action hero with explosions behind them. I was the most popular person in school. If it was 2016, people would have been Hashtagging the Instagram out of my feet, tweeting the Facebook out of the air in my soul(es) and I would have been the top trend of the entire day. #Walkingonair would have appeared with picture of me walking on the wings on angels as I approached the track. I was faster than I had ever been, more comfortable and the envy of the whole team and school. I was THE Big Man on Campus that day.
All night I dreamed of the hottest girls in school following behind me, hoping that they could just get a glimpse of me and my shoes. The next day, I brought my shoes, expecting a mob. All others would bow down, and ask the king more questions. “What can we do to be worthy of the window of air in our shoes? If we cut the side out of our shoes, can we be awesome like you? Or will only having your shoes make us cool like you? Can the school newspaper get a picture with you and your shoes? How much easier is math now that you have those shoes?”
“Peasants be gone. I have school to attend. If you want to see the shoes, you will have to wait until after school. But bring your cameras, and maybe, just maybe you can get a glimpse…And by the way ladies, here’s my locker number.”
School finally ended. I got my crown and scepter and my cape and of course, my famous shoes and I entered the locker room, and braced myself for the cameras and the crowds and the roars of envy.
There was noise alright. “Whoa…cool shoes. They have air in them.”
“Yes, I know. Let me tell you all about them.”
“No, I mean Trent’s shoes. And they are BLUE.”
And just like that, my first and last reign as the king of the trends was over.
Welcome back to peasantry, Bitter Ben.
ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Bensetter Ben
Lol!
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It was more of a cringeworthy thing, me trying to be a trendsetter.
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At least you had that one day of fame! I never had a single second 😦
I also never had shoes with air in them, come to think of it… That’s probably where I went wrong.
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You will find your day of fame. It will probably be when your book gets published and you get your lifetime of fame, and I will be sitting on the sidelines blogging bitterly about it.
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I highly doubt it. Hey, if I ever do write a book and it becomes a flop and I get famous for that, we can be bitter together!
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And I will be famous as one of the few people that bought your book. Then we will have to write a book about failures and became famous for our failures.
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Sounds like a plan to me!
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We will probably want to fade into the sunset as soon as we get famous, but I think we might want to keep the money to travel with.
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Money. Travel. I like the sound of that.
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Sounds pretty awesome. It’s a good way to get away from the fame.
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Trent can go suck it.
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Trent is gonna be at the reunion this summer and I’m sure he and his trucker hat will be in all their glory, while I’m here not going to the reunion.
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You were lucky … I had to wear plimsolls!
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The original track shoes looked pretty much like that.
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Surprise ending. I thought you were going to finish with “and I tripped on my shoelace and busted my ass.”
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It’s stupid Trent’s fault that jerk.
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Wait…you ran?
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Many years ago, yeah. Which was the beginning of my bitterness. I was also skinny at one point too.
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Like bitter sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
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And that sand makes me bitter because it gets everywhere.
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Hilarious!!! I remember wanting a pair of parachute pants so bad….funny because I got them in my Easter basket in 1985. Coolest Easter bunny ever 🐰
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I got exactly one pair of parachute pants and I was the coolest dude for a day or two then. Even cooler that you got them for Easter!
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I noticed that you skipped over the part about whether you actually ran faster in those shoes. Well?
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I thought I mentioned it. I did run faster the one day, but as soon as my ego was deflated, so was my running speed.
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My own 15 minutes of high school fame was more like 15 seconds… one of my pencil drawings won a prize in an art show. Of course, some high and mighty cheerleader had to spoil it, like, “Who cares about art, anyhow?” My first really “cool” shoes were a pair of powder blue Nike Cortez. They didn’t have air in the soles, but I swear my feet hovered above the ground whenever I wore them. These days, I’m into comfort… goodbye, Nike. Hello Birkenstock. I have a pair for every season. Lots of styles for guys too. I could see you in a pair of MAN-DALS, Ben!
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As my wife always says about me, I’m so very predictable. I wear sandals pretty much all hours that I’m not working (that I leave the house). This includes winter. I have the kind you can slip on and they are the best. Other shoes can pretty much collect dust for all I care.
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1st, i’m bitter (uv coars) azz i had a reel clever comment but 4-gawt while scootinizing prior kaw-mintz. and i’m bitter when i see a coupla guise in the locker room PUMPING UP their sk8’s !
and, yess, yore reign wuzz short. i too have had reigns so short they didn’t even have time to begin.
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I always forget my clever comments and just end up leaving stuff that much sneense doesn’t.
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summuvvyer kawmints SEEEM (maybe itz seams) … well, sumwhut klevvrrr. but(t) itz the culinarily-inclined parts of our ostensible inner-beings (beans) which substitute CLEAVERS for the clever. oh, it’s been a DENZSSS day and i sorta hope it gets werse …
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Days always get worse for bitter folk like us.
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schtartz bittrrr, and bitterrerrr, ‘n …
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Gets really cold out there for us.
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I can remember when payless was more. I am before shoelaces. If you had a hole in the soul you used newspaper with news that was fit to print.
Query where does the yeti buy his shoes?
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I don’t know where the yeti buys his shoes, but the Sasquatch buy his at REI in Seattle.
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awax-one-too-wun-seven: you are SCARY !
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“How much easier is math now that you have those shoes?” – Nearly choked on my sandwich laughing at that one 😀
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All I know is that it was definitely easier with the shoes. Too bad I only wore them for track.
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Ohhh Payless. I rocked many a pair of Payless shoes in my young days. I remember getting a pair of the fake Adidas ones. You know, the ones with two stripes instead of three? Yeah, I wasn’t the most popular kid in school. Lol.
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Yeah, I usually got decent shoes after that (still a pretty loyal Nike fan), but my clothes growing up were the most generic and 1/2 price store like.
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Same! We didn’t have much growing up. My parents always made sure we had a roof over our head, full bellies, and clothes on our back/shoes on our feet. We just had to shop a little cheaper than most. I wasn’t wearing Versace or Yeezys. But when I got my first pair of Nikes I was on Cloud Nine!
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Yeah, getting the cool shoes for once was pretty awesome. I still remember the getting the Nike ones that had a pump.
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Oh, those fabulous shoes. They can lift us above all the rest, we will beg steal and whine for them . Beautiful writing.
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It’s kind of ironic because now I barely like to even wear them. I take them off at work whenever I can and as soon as I get home, they are flipped off (not the bird).
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I get bitter just thinking about shoes, I am always barefoot, it’s a Florida thing.
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Mine must be a guy thing because I’m in the opposite of Florida.
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hmm, the opposite of Florida, way up in the frozen tundra I’m guessing, no wonder you are bitter:)
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Not frozen, but rain all the time. Seattle.
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That’s a lovely place, all green and smelling of coffee!
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It smells moldy and musty all the time. Drowns out the coffee smell.
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o, that embitters me. Good luck over there.
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I’m gonna need it.
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Do you know Douglas Spaulding? Ray Bradbury has a wonderful short story about Douglas and his yearning for new sneakers.
http://www.raybradbury.com/books/dandelionwine-hc.html
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No I don’t know Douglas Spaulding, but it sounds like we could have been friends in school. We could have commiserated about shoes.
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When Douglas eventually get his sneakers he could fly!
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Well, I couldn’t fly, but I think I ran just a slight bit faster that day…
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I went to Catholic school, where we had to wear uniforms. Our only status came from what shoes we wore. And I was one of the peasants, and the rich kids would diss me about my shoes. I got my first pair of Nikes in high school for PE, and they were stolen out of my locker. My mom got me the cheap payless-style shoes (although I’m sure mine came from Kmart). I know your pain, man.
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I probably should have gone to Catholic school too, just so I didn’t have to keep up with the trends, but I still would have not been able to keep up with the shoe trends.
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Great column! Love the white as the Oscars and Crown, Scepter and Cape puns.
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I should have worn the crown, scepter and cape to the Oscars.
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HAhaaa! I remember those days. I experienced something similar, but with Guess jeans… 😀
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You should probably write about that. And I will definitely read and be able to relate cause of my shoe story.
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Trends are definitely fleeting. They’re so fleeting, in fact, that when I received all the cool hand-me-down Hypercolor shirts, bright neon tees, and Nike Airs that were five sizes too large after my brother had yet another growth spurt, they were already soooo last season.
Little wonder I used to envy those kids who were fortunate enough to be the only-child in their family. 😀
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Yeah, I was in a five kid family, so if I didn’t whine about something, my mom assumed I was fine. The others were always so persistent in becoming kind of trendy, so I lost out for the most part.
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All “Hail The KING Of AIR”!…”Hold’em Hook”!…..BG>
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I was was about as valuable to my junior high as the the air was inside of those shoes. I was only king for that one day.
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Trent’s kind of a tool anyway.
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Yeah, Trent was definitely a tool. He would have made a great villain as one of those tools in an 80’s flick (like the Karate bully in Karate kid).
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Him and his blue shoes…
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And his sideways trucker hat.
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Don’t get me started.
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Oh I’ll get you started. They didn’t call me the Instigator for nothing. Actually they called me Revengerman, but same difference.
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Revengerman!!
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My favorite nickname back in the day. Though Bitter Ben is right up there with that one.
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