A Bitter Tale of Two Goats

/ bensbitterblog
Gather round for a story.

Gather round for a story.

Come siteth down in a semi circle around me in the courthouse bitizens, as I Bitterian Ben, the court bitterian, regale you with a true tale of a King’s two goats, some bitizens, and some blackberries. And when I say goat, I don’t mean G.O.A.T. as in Greatest Of All Timeth, but goat as in those filthy creatures that eateth everything. But let me noteth get too far aheadeth in the story.

Hope your trip went well.

Hope your trip went well.

One day the King wanted to travel on a boat, to restesth his weary bones on a faraway mote. He tired of sitting around and judging people all day and living off all the taxes people would pay. He had a problem though. He had two goats of his own. With no one to tend them he needed to put them on loan.  He sent out a call to all through many 1’s and 0’s, in hopes of finding someone to be a hero.

One lovely bitizen, had a problem, a scourge. Her land full of blackberries that she needed to purge. Though the fruit was sweet, the sticky bushes made her very sour. She tried poisons and cutting and working many hours. Nothing worked, not even her husband, and now she had the scourge growing all over her land. A solution she needed and that right quickethly, the weeds were taking root and growing quite thickethly.

What they should have done.

What they should have done.

She decide to answer the king’s desperate call, though her husband wasn’t on board at all, no not at all. A week later, they had two goats with two ropes and two spikes, if posted on Facebooketh, wouldn’t get even two likes.  “Are you jestering me, we’re really doing this?” the husband said, knowing full well the work that was ahead. They placed them near the blackberries in hopes that they eateth, and eateth they did, making the whole yard their treateth.

Other problems arose, the goats started bleetething, whining and complaining because the rain turned to sleetething. They needed to be moved almost hourly noweth, and the husband complained and started having a coweth. Then one goat started foaming at the mouth, and it was then they both knew how far this had gone south. Though their daughter found the goats to be such a special treateth, all the parents could feel was massive defeateth.

All over their lawn, in their shed and their house, were droppings much larger than any big mouse. Exhausted and weary, and ready to give up, the week finally ended and to the brim was filled their cup. The king came back and asked “Was there any trouble?” No, not a one they said, “Except maybe a bubble,” and by bubble I mean everything went wrong, sire. Everything about this experience gave me ire. From the moving, and pooping and sleeping in our shed, everything made me want to cut off their…beds. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken a whiffeth, but their smell makes me want to push them off a cliffeth.

Do us a favor and never ask us again, to watch these vile creatures that smell like sin. The goats had one job and couldn’t even get that right, they didn’t even eat one blackberry in sight.

My blackberries bring all the goats to the yard.

My blackberries bring all the goats to the yard.

Thanks for nothing goats, thanks for eating all our snacks.  Here’s a lesson for all looking for a life hack. Don’t ever expect goats to solve any issues, they will only leave you with problems than can be solved with tissues.

I’m sorry this story ended in tragedy son, I’ve got 99 problems and goats are more than one.

Until next time bitizens things are getting stale, when the Court regales you with another bitter tale.

ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter Goat of Many colors Ben

59 thoughts on “A Bitter Tale of Two Goats”

  1. We have much in common. In my early marriage we raised goats for milk for the baby after I was in the hospital and had many “tales to tell” and did. I very much enjoyed your style and wish you the very best going forward.

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  2. Ben, you have made me bitter. Ever since I read this post, that goat song from The Sound of Music has been stuck in my head, yodel-a-hee, yodel-a-hee, yodel-a-hee-hoo! Please make it stop. Perhaps that could be the subject of a future post, the bitterness of getting an unwelcome song stuck in your head? Congrats on hitting 700, that’s bitterly awesome!

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  5. I like goats and I cannot lie.
    You other bloggers can’t deny.
    When a goat walks by with its cute fuzzy face and then shits all over the place, you get dung!

    Okay, I gotta do the whole damn song now. Ben, you and your goats are the inspiration for my next blog post. Congrats.

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  8. OMG Ben, that was hilarious!!! You have a true poetic gift. Heck, you could give Dr Seusseth a run for his money. Goats are naught but trouble… a friend kept a pair for a summer and they got into her cellar while she was airing it out (the old-school, Wizard-of-Oz type of cellar). Later one came flying out with a mousetrap on his lip–YIKES! She managed to pry it off so he didn’t have to go to the goat hospital (or wherever you take them).

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  9. i … uh, think? feel? sense? i’ve had (or somewhat convincingly eye-maggind) “goat experiences” but there is a part of my mind and/or brain (i YoozYooUhlLee can’t tell ’em apart) which has SEAL-DAWPH whatever brain/memory/mind parts/farts which either still do or did have those recollexionz. your story ALMOST made me re-remembrrrr …

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  10. Don’t blackberry vines have a lot of thorns? No wonder the goats were foaming at the mouth and eating everything else. Just hire someone to mow the bushes down and sell or butcher the goats. It’s cheaper in the long run.

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    • Yeah they have thorns, which is why we didn’t want to deal with them. But they are well known (especially in this area) for eating blackberry bushes. So I guess you need special goat training to get them to do it. We finally got around to finding some guys that specialized in cutting them down.

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  13. This is hilarious. oddly enough, my mom planned to buy my dad a goat last year but he managed to talk her out of it.

    Seems like a good idea (I like goats) but also a lot of trouble.

    Incidentally, what game screenshots are those? Dragonage Inquisition?

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    • He is very lucky he talked her out of it. The moment we had to let them sleep in our shed and they pooped all over it, was the minute I knew we made a bad decision and one of them really was foaming at the mouth and we were like, “Great, now we are supposed to bring this thing to a fricking goat hospital?” Uggh.

      I don’t know for sure if that is Dragon Age, but it sure does look like it. Have you played that one? I have it, but just haven’t started it.

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      • Oh no, that sounds rough. I have these adorable pastoral fantasies about having goats and making goat cheese and goat milk soap, but while it’s very cute in my head, the reality of waking up early to milk a goat might break me. Then there’s the poop.

        I have played it and looking more closely, don’t think that’s it but it has a similar style. It’s really good! One of those games with a good story, if you like that kind of thing.

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        • I had these hopes and dreams that they would destroy my blackberries, but alas they are as disappointing as my bank account.
          I definitely like a game with a story as I used to eat up RPG’s back in the day. I hear it is a good one and should definitely play some day.

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        • Goats are supposed to do that–our city has been using goats to clear brush so there are fields of goats everywhere. It’s pretty cool, but I don’t have to clean up after them.

          Your goats are slackers.

          I recommend it, also the Mass Effect series.

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        • Really? That’s kind of neat. I don’t think we have commercials like that (but then, I fast-forward through commercials. I’d stop if I noticed a goat though)

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        • I think Pemco is an almost exclusively Northwest company so most of the country doesn’t know about them. I fast forward sometimes, but I’ve always been fascinated with commercials because I wanted to be a copywriter growing up. Then realized how hard it was to get a job doing it, but still kind of like commercials (until they run them into the ground).

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        • Funny how much culture differs, even along the same coast.

          That’s interesting about copywriting. Mad Men sure made it look fun.

          I knew a guy who used to do it and hated it, though. Maybe it looks more fun than it is.

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        • Yeah the cultural differences between the Northwest and California are pretty stark. Though I guess you could say the same thing about Maine and Florida too.
          Yeah, it probably sounded fun to me, but I was thinking in terms of an ad agency where you came up with ad campaigns all day. I’m guessing most of it isn’t too glamorous like in Mad Men.

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    • Nice! They were baaafling to me. Their whole existence is to eat and they did, but never the blackberries we “hired” them for. And yeah that video was one of many of them doing weird noises like that. The sad thing is my daughter loved the goats.

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