I’ll never build a house. Never fix a car, fly a jet, be a CEO, run a country or become the president of something (even if I’m the only survivor of the apocalypse, I will still only get elected vice president) nor will I do the counting of the votes for the accounting firm for the Oscars, or launch the space shuttle. When they say to dream big, they forget to say that you have to work hard for it and be good at mechanical things. But even more importantly, you have to plan to do all those things.
I’m not a planner. I never will be. I tried it once. Didn’t really take. The guys in my head in charge of planning, decide to go a vacation to Hawaii when I was young. They meticulously planned and plotted. Used excel and some math, did some statistical analysis to figure out the right time, place and conditions to break out. Though they didn’t need to do any of that, because the rest of my brain was so unorganized that they didn’t even notice that they were missing for 8 months. And by that time, the “organizies” had already stole all my organization skills and ran off to Hawaii never to be seen again. Not that I can blame them, because the leftovers are just a bunch of miniature minions running around without a leader to guide them.
Oh, we got some creative ideas, running back and forth between the left and right brain highway, but there is no stop light or traffic cops, so four way stops are a mess. And the freeway has signs, but no one ever reads them. The bitternet highway is either packed with cars running in the wrong direction causing accidents, or as empty as my pizza box is 10 minutes after I get it.
There is no stand up comedian telling his jokes on this stage. That would require someone to write jokes in advance. And someone that wanted to stand. There’s comedy in there somewhere, but it is of the sit down, or better yet, lay down variety. And there is only improv in there. One that plays off a straight person that doesn’t understand sarcasm.
I’ve made attempts to bring the organizies back. Tried to write down inspirationally bitter speeches to people about how to follow their bitterness to achieve their greatest nightmares. I’ve tried prepping lessons for occasions when people wanted me to teach them something. I’ve planned short stand up routines for girls to impress them enough to want to go on a date with me. I’ve tried to plan what to say to a boss when they really pissed me off about something, or wanted to get a raise, but the problem is always the other people. They never respond like the robot version of them my head thinks they will. People are unpredictable, and every time I’ve pictured the universal praise, the standing ovations, and the declarations of “Why have you waited so long to ask me out’s?” have always failed. Planning just never works out. So I just learned to improvise.
For instance, the blog posts that I spend the most time with, plan in advance, make lists for, check twice, make sure they are naughty and not nice, always get a resounding meh. But the last minute, “I have to slap something together because my boss is coming and I need to get back to work ones” somehow are the ones that get, “Genius level bitterness, Bitter Ben. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.” And this was about a post I did on socks, because they were bothering me that day.
Speaking of which, I just realized that today is St. Patrick’s Day. And that’s bad, because I don’t see any rainbows around, and really need one, because I forget my lunch money and a few pieces of gold should fetch me a sandwich. And today was supposed to be some cowboy day at work, because one of our VP’s is “riding off into the sunset” IE retiring but I forgot my cowboy hat. Guess I will just have to improvise and use a western cowboy accent. Cause that’s the way we disorganized fools run things.
Speaking of running things (into the ground) that’s my cue, to ramble on about other things that are not important. Does anyone have something green I can wear? Cause I forgot to wear green, but don’t worry, I will improvise and find something that is green and attach it to my head, or find some not so clever thing to tell people when they ask why I’m not wearing green. And scene. ACTING! Day at the Improv!
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Using a Pen to Poke open a hole because there is no knife nearby Ben
Annoying isn’t it when people don’t respond the way our brains tell us they will. Happens to me almost every time I do it.
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My brain is pretty rebellious, just like me.
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This is so true. You could spend 2 hrs writing a blog that gets shit responses then write a blog with the sole word Hello, and it’s the best day ever.
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Mine are usually ones I spend a couple of days formulating and writing down ideas and lists etc, and then do it and it becomes a big dud. But like today, I started writing about one thing and just went with it instead of doing what I planned and I assume it will be a big hit.
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I found something green in my fridge on St Patty’s Day, does that count? Maybe I’ll write my next blog at the last minute, with no planning at all, and see if this is really some kind of phenomenon.
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You really should. Honestly, the ones with no plans kind of did the best. And the ones with a couple of days of planning, turned out to burst my bubble. Something weird about it.
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What happened to those improv shows? Maybe there was a big scandal, turned out the performers hired scriptwriters all along – shame, used to enjoy them …
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Who’s line is it anyways always seems to crop up somewhere, but they must be doing it somewhere because that is where most of Saturday Night Lives talent comes from.
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You found the key to good writing. Just letting it all flow. Fun page 😀 you got a new follower.
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Yeah, I think it is because my thoughts are so runny that people just enjoy the train wreck.
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I’m glad it’s not just me (i.e. bitter about my favorite posts being received in a mediocre fashion). I feel bitter when I can’t plan.
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It is the worst. It’s almost always the opposite effect. The ones I’m almost positive are huge winners turn out to be duds and the crap that I just want to throw away is “pure genius”. I guess people are really bad at figuring things like that out.
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I’ve never tried writing a standup routine to get a woman to date me. Of course, they immediately start laughing when I ask for their number … so maybe I have a natural talent?
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I never did either, I just rehearsed them in my head, and what usually came out was silence or “Uh, um, hey, uh,” as they were walking away.
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It’s funny how the most eloquent, well-prepared speech in my head can spew out as “Uh … um” when I’m trying to get a date. How could anyone walk away from such a profound, heartfelt utterance of romantic interest?
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Yep, my shower motivational speeches are pretty awesome until I leave the shower and becomes total duds.
I have no idea where these speeches go awry.
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Amazing watching someone get the blues from green.
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Who knew I had the ability to transform color. Next thing you know I will be able to turn blue skies grey. Oh wait…
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always remember, your veins are green. makes everyone a bit Irish…or maybe Vulcan. I am not sure.
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Bitterness runs through my veins and I’m not sure what color that is (probably green because of envy) so if anyone asks, I’ll just show them a little vein and say back off.
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Years ago I wore an orange T-shirt to college on March 17. I forgot what day it was in the morning. I had a Dublin raised Irish Catholic in my night class that day. 37 F-bombs later I was still trying to improvise around the ire of a true Irishman. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the IRA met us both after class that night. Jeez.
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What a grand bitter day to remember. It’s always best to have a bitter day like that to remember why you should continue to not wear green and have another bitter St. Patty’s Day.
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I didn’t wear green on purpose so someone would pinch me. No I’m not a perv….well I take that back. I sort of am but my point is I wanted to be pinched so I could retaliate. But, no one pinched me. WTF?
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I’m thinking you did it to get pinched you perv. But yeah, retaliation is a pretty fun thing too.
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I’m pretty mediocre at planning. I often leave things out and end up having to wing it. Which is bad, because I’m mediocre at winging it, too. Luckily, I have a plan to get better at planning. Happy Green Day, Ben!
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I’m the worst at planning. That’s why you see so many mistakes on my posts. I forget to plan to spell and grammar correctly.
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I bet you didn’t really like this one because I liked it a lot. Even the mistakes. heh
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Of course there were mistakes. And of course I didn’t like it. Cause you did.
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I know what you mean about the posts you work the hardest on. They are apparently Rodney Dangerfields. It’s a fickle system and we’re better off not trying to figure it out.
May you have a Bitter St. Patrick’s Day, Ben.
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I’ll be bitter about the posting system and the St. Patrick’s Day. Thank for your concern.
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I think I found your knife…….it is definitely bitter so I am pretty sure it belongs to you. by the way, the dog killed that pesky leprechan
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I think the knife was just stuck in my back from The Ides of March and someone betraying me a few days ago.
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okay then, I shall sell this one on Ebay..should get a whopping amount for it.
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Just make sure to mention it was signed by Caesar himself and you will get a lot more for it.
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can I use Marc Antony instead? Not that big a fan of rex harrison……
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Yeah, you can use Marc Anthony, cause Rex Harrison was kind of the worst.
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The Green clothing thing is simple to dodge. Anytime someone asks you why you are not wearing the correct hue for the day, tell them “I’d show you, but they have rules against showing those articles of clothing in public…”
If they persist, start unbuckling your pants, look down, and exclaim “DAMN! Forgot I went commando today!”
More points if you can pull off a sheepish look while doing so…
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People know not to ask me about that stuff anymore, because they know they will get something sarcastic and rude if they ask. And I can’t really pull off the sheepish, so I’ll just lose the bonus points for that.
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You could green sharpie your entire face.
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Now that is what I’m talking about. I just told people I forgot my green stuff at home and I will need to go back and get it. Now I will need to tell them I’m going back for a green Sharpie too.
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That is what happens to me with blog posts, too! And, it used to happen with papers in college. The ones planned for and meticulously went over and over always got “meh”…average at best. The ones I slapped together at the last minute got the best grades. Well, not if it was TOO TOO last minute. But, the point is, there must be something to this phenomenon 😀
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Right? I guess it’s because we always have this perfect image of what is supposed to happen and then that thing doesn’t happen. High expectations is the key to bitterness.
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Oh, bitter me somehow posted without a complete thought! Back to the leprechaun – if one is hiding in the fog I hope it is one with gold and not one with your missing knife!
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There are no complete thoughts around here. The freeway is just filled with half thoughts. And yeah, that leprechaun better not have stolen my knife.
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It is really foggy here today. I am hoping thar if anyone leprechaun
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That is some great improvisational comments right there.
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I have some green speedos that will probably suit you. I’m thinking that and a leprechaun hat. Oh, and by the way, I take it this is one of those blogs you actually planned.
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I think for the world’s sake, I’ll let those speedos go to someone that doesn’t look like Borat in them.
And yeah, this was a blog that I planned out, so I’m expecting all kinds of meh.
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meh, Meh, MEH, hem
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May the meh’s be with you.
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