The Bitter Battle at the Grocery Store Corale

/ bensbitterblog
4 Year Anniversary Achievement

The real reason for yesterday’s post. Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com! You registered on WordPress.com 4 years ago! Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging!

Yesterday’s post was about the Beneral Election for President of the Bitter Blog of Bittermerica. Or was it?  Nope it actually wasn’t. Yesterday was simply my way of saying it was my four year Bitter Blogiversary and not one person commented on that. Aaaand that makes me bitter. Either everyone knew but just didn’t say it, or I’m just too clever for my britches. One way or another, I’m either really bitter at all of you(which shouldn’t shock you), or really bitter at me for being a little too clever(again shouldn’t shock you). Regardless, ARRRRGGGGGHHHH.

Now onto the bitter subject of the day.

A reason to leave the house.

A reason to leave the house.

I’m not a big fan of leaving the house when I don’t have to, but when I do, I like it to be a place where I am comfortable going. To a Game Stop to peruse my next new favorite video game to sit at home and be lazy playing, a La-Z-Boy recliner store to test out recliners which I will sit in at home playing the video game I got at Game Stop to sit at home being lazy, or Pizza Hut to get a pizza which I will enjoy eating while sitting on my La-Z-Boy recliner and playing the video game I got at Game Stop while sitting at home being lazy. Alright you can take a short breath while finishing that sentence. Now, back to my point.

I enjoy going to the grocery store because there is food there. But this time of year, there is a barrier, a battleground if you will, that gets in my way. I have ammo for this confrontation, but this isn’t just a one time battle, it is a war that lasts probably as long as any war ever. It is the conflict between me and the Girl Scouts. I have my mission to go inside a grocery store, and they have their mission of stopping me and selling me cookies BEFORE and AFTER I go inside. It is a battle that has left many scars both for me(damaging my already butterfly filled wallet) and them(their fragile little 8-12 year old egos).

Sometimes the grocery store battles get intense.

Sometimes the grocery store battles get intense.

Don’t get me wrong. I am an expert level ninja when it comes to saying no. My son knows this, which is why he always asks my wife. There is a 1% better chance he will get a maybe(which he figured out means yes).  In fact, me saying no to him has inspired a song, which goes like this. “Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope a nope nope, nope nope nope a nope nope nope, nope nope nope.”  Sung to the tune of The Nope song, which was invented by me.  I take great pride in being able to say no to not only my son, but sales pitches (whether at my door, or at home, or on the phone), and to Girl Scout Cookies, especially when we have purchased cookies before, but when they are at the doors of each and every grocery store from the middle of February to the end of April, the creativity of my different ways of saying no starts to wain.

My bitter grocery store nemesises.

My bitter grocery store nemesises(nemisi?).

This is not to say that I don’t like or don’t get Girl Scout cookies. We enjoy the product just as much as the next victim. Just like any drug user, we have our suppliers. We go to the same couple of sources every year for the freshest product, our close family friends and buy a storage unit full of Thin Mints, and Samoans, but we don’t have a Fort Knox/Scrooge McDuck vault in our house in order to support the whole Girl Scout industry.

The amount I would need to buy a box everytime I went to the grocery store.

The amount I would need to buy a box everytime I went to the grocery store.

Speaking of industry, did you see what Chris Rock did on the Oscars? Kind of devious, kind of unfair, kind of hilarious, because he knew that celebrities would pay exorbitant amounts of money for the cookies, and he was probably hoping that he would see some celebrities eat a carb for the first time in decades. Either way, it made me bitter to see him take advantage of his 80 million people audience that way, when he could have been mentioning my blog instead. Some people, I swear.

Kind of cheating, Christopher.

Kind of cheating, Christopher.

And speaking of the revenue of the Girl Scouts, do you have any idea what the money for these cookies go? Besides lining the pockets of the Girl Scout executives, I think the rest goes to their yearly “Girl Scout Adventures”. Meaning Disney World, trips to Paris, safaris in Africa, and museum trips to the Louvre. All I know is that as a Boy Scout, we went door to door selling garbage bags, that supported our trips to the local no frills campsite in waterproof tents that only leaked in the middle of the tent and on the sides if you touched them. Or to a local avalanche, where we built snow caves built for three, that housed six(most uncomfortable night of my entire life ever, which if you ask me, you will get the bitterest rant ever).

One of their "outings".

One of their “outings”.

The battle will continue for weeks. Me saying no in every way possible and them consistently trying to make me hate grocery stores for the rest of my life. Me poking my head of out the car, surveying the area for any signs of the green uniform, them trying to use their little sweet smiles and sad puppy dogs eyes to buy their way to Disney World.  Let’s see who survive the Girl Scout Cookie battle of 2016.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Cookiepacalypse Ben

70 thoughts on “The Bitter Battle at the Grocery Store Corale”

  6. there is, un-4t-you-natelee, so much of my life in this (that) post. avoidance. tents which leak when you touch the sighedz. stuff i can’t remember and i read the post, um, 4 minutes ago. oh yea, layzee bwoi wrekliners and which parent to ask. ad nauseum.

    i was at a low-key neighborhood (musical, sorta) CONCERT a few weakz back and the lady who ran the ticket counter announced that HER DAUGHTER & Daughter’s Minions would be setting up a table just outside THE ONLY ENTRANCE/EXIT to the place to sell THOSE cookies. i had no cash. aha! i thought (read my post which has as a tag “only cost $1100 to write”) — i’ve had no cash and will continue to have no cash for a long time.
    “no problem” ticket-lady’s daughter quickly retorted. “we take credit cards”
    so i bought only two boxes.

    our grocery store yoosta have boxes of puppies and/or kittens just outsighed but haven’t seen THAT inna while.
    (the people who keep and breed pythons must have some convincing want-ads in the papers, or something)

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  8. Ahhhhh sorry I didn’t say congrats or happy anniversary! Wasn’t on purpose–just thought that would be too sentimental/anti-bitter. But I’m saying it now–HAPPY BITTER BLOGIVERSARY!! I’m so happy I met yoU!!!

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  9. Maybe you can carry an empty Girl Scout cookie box around with you. When you run across one of those green-uniformed imps, just flash the box and announce that you’ve already bought some. By the way, Happy 4th Anniversary. I know it’s a day late, and I’m only wishing you Happy Anniversary out of guilt for not having thought of it yesterday, but that should give you more reason to feel bitter.

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    • That sounds like a great plan. Their puppy dog eyes are no match for the power of an empty box.
      And yeah, I guilted people into wishing me a Happy Bitterversary because no one outside of WordPress even cares about that stuff, so I have to get from you WordPress citizens.

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  10. We don’t have girl scouts selling cookies! 🙂 A very good thing, if you ask me, because I usually talk about chocolate a lot but my secret #1 weakness is cookies (especially chocolate cookies!).
    Also, sorry for deleting my original comment yesterday, which started with “Well, congrats for having been here for 4 years already!”. I’m not sure why I cut that out, probably because I am blonde and figured you’d be bitter if I left it in D: Ah well, at least you got a WP notification (I’m still waiting for one).

    PS: I think it’s “nemeses”, like “hypothesis-hypotheses”.

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    • That would be awesome to not have girl scout cookies. I mean they are good and all, but I could easily use not having the girls take over the grocery stores.
      No trouble for deleting the comment, at least you thought about it. When do you get your WP notification? When is your year (or is it two or three or four?)

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      • We have homeless people or street musicians at almost every grocery store. Although I suspect most of the homeless people in my town aren’t (something about them being dropped off at the store entrance in a giant BMW and all…)
        I have no idea when my WP anniversary is. I know I created an account long ago but have only been using it since two years. I am guessing seven years is coming up, but am not sure.

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  11. Some thoughts:
    For starters, I’ve often thought the Boy Scouts got shafted with the whole sales thing. The girls get the cookies and they get popcorn. But then I remember they get to pee standing up their whole lives, so I figure they deserve it.
    Secondly, shopping at 2 AM is likely a safe time to go to the Wal Mart. Not only can you dodge the little ladies, you can spy some interesting wildlife among the aisles.

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    • Yeah, we do. The girls get the cookies and the amazing reputation that goes along with them, and the guys get garbage…bags. We get to go to terrible campsites. And by the way, I was told growing up that getting your Eagle is something you can put on your resume and it has done me jack squat in getting any jobs.

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        • We do have the advantage. And one that we will take full advantage of in the woods. Or my son takes in the back yard..or even front yard sometimes. Never been to New Orleans, but can imagine it wouldn’t be pretty after years of Mardi Gras.

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  13. Now Ben, I want you to listen to me! Those little girls are actually devious midgets who are one day going to rule the world with the ill gotten gains of their cookie selling empire. You need to stick to your guns on this one. Don’t even look at them. Just pass by. I hear their eyes have hypnotizing rays as well!!

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