I’ve been feeling a little down lately. You know that feeling you get when just feel like you could be so much more? That feeling where you just aren’t living up to your full potential? I’ve been working my whole life to make a difference and just can’t get over this proverbial hump. I just want to make an impact, but I just can’t seem to get tha little break, a bit of luck, or mix in that missing ingredient, to blow this thing up worldwide.
I’ve been working my whole life to become a big time failure, but my small time failures just aren’t hitting the Richter Scale of Epic Failures.
Then, the other day, I read an article. It was about some of the world’s greatest failures and my heart dove. For the first time in a long time, I felt a renewed sense of purpose. There really are people out there, that achieve Epic Failure status, and it could happen for me. Here are some failures that knew how to do it right. First up, Blockbuster Employee.
In order to truly make a Failure Impact, you have to make just the right actions at just the wrong time. This guy parlayed his terrible customer service into the destruction of Blockbuster and the creation of Netflix at the same time. Not only did his terrible naivete motivate his customer to be upset, but he brought it to a whole other level. By enforcing the stupid late fee, he singlehandedly and indirectly created binge watching. His misattention to detail, created Orange is the New Black. His snarky attitude towards his customer created House of Cards. His late fee insistence made a good version of Daredevil possible. His arrogance took down Blockbuster itself. If he can do it, why couldn’t my bitterness be the downfall of Blockbuster and the rise of Netflix?
I can learn from this baker. I need to start thinking bigger. He saw the big picture. He wasn’t just trying to ruin a pie. He wasn’t just trying to multi-task horribly. He let his inner fire spread outly. He wasn’t just trying to burn the kitchen down. He wanted to watch the whole world burn. In the end, he only took down London, but then aiming at the moon, sometimes only destroys stars. It took guts, and a burning desire to take failure to this level. And his impact will be felt for many more years later as they named a festival in the Nevada desert after him, The Burning Man.
Being an Epic Fail as a company takes ingenuity, arrogance, and ignorance and Yahoo! has that in spades. They wanted to be the next billion dollar company, but something was preventing them from getting there. Opportunities came to them all the time. Companies that needed to be ignored. But only the biggest and potentially brightest up and comers that they ignored would make them an Epic failure. Though the company would did its best to be arrogant by their logo and name, the spectacular exclamation mark and company named after what a cowboy says when they wrangle cattle, their true arrogance was completely realized when they failed to purchase a company for a million that would have made them billions.
When you live right next to the most arrogant neighbor in the world, who thinks they run the world, it’s hard to get any attention. Just like a middle child trying to get attention, Air Canada did its best to become a spectacular failure, by forgetting that it’s stubborn brother is the only one in the world that uses the gallon system. In the end, Canada still couldn’t get the notoriety of its neighbor to the south, because it couldn’t produce the spectacular end disaster, and they ended up apologizing to their customers because they are so polite.
This is to all the employers and traditionalists that believe people need experience in the real world to fail spectacularly. Believe in your dreams of failure, no matter how young or inexperienced, because this person while being a mere grad student, with no experience in the real world, was able to create a natural disaster with just a little disregard. Thanks to their ignorance and mishandling, they skipped destroying saplings, and went for directly for the take down of world’s largest tree. Kudos to you, Grad student for subtly taking down in one fail swoop what neither nature or man could previously. While I would have gone the direct chainsaw route, you had vision and knew it would take “field research” to take down the Behemoth.
These failures have truly inspired me to think bigger, to act more globally, to fail to plan more spectacularly. This world is in need of failures, beacons to look to, and I intend on making my mark in this world. Let us raise a glass of Cherry Limeade to all those who will not crash and burn in anonymity, but with let their failures burn as bright as the sun which will someday consume this failure we call Earth.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Failure Ben
okay, talkin’ about failure (here): only time will tell if you and/or I will be catapulted (or some other animal form of “pulting”) to Epic Status — but so far i’ve gotta couple BITTER FAILURE things goin’ for me.
1. i am considered by many i’ve worked with, tried to “do business with” and (regularly here:) tried to do sports with — as a calibration standard. the “low end” calibration standard. hockey players in my league are ALL “better” then me. if they weren’t, well, they would either hustle and take lessons AND TRY to get better or they’d leave. same with work. I haven’t heard “them” come right out and say it so i can hear it, but when a group presenting a plan wants to test if ANYONE can understand it, they run it by me first. if i can’t understand it, it’s gotta be DUMdown to pass the “understandable even by non-engineers among the general publick”.
2. The Mantram of the Failure and Futility of trying to Get Ahead.
years ago, when workers could smoke IN their offices (and not huddled in pathetic shivering groups out in the alley) a couple ‘mates and i were in one of our offices, feet (collectively) up on the desk, they were smoking cigarettes and i was puffin’ a cigar.
We were, oh, 45 years old or so, and had been applying for in-house promotions regularly, all of us. And we were conjecturing as to WHY none of us had gotten a promotion for quite some time.
“The other two candidates making the final three to be interviewed are usually a lot younger,” one of us opined.
“Smarter,” Paul said.
“Better educated,” added Kim.
“Better looking!” I opined.
Being younger and such, those candidates “wouldn’t be the attitude problem and reluctance to do everything they were asked” Paul continued.
“They’d be less of a health problem” I ventured — being younger and all, less sick days.
Seeing as how we worked for a Dept. of Energy subcontractor, candidates in mid-management were often more-strongly considered if they met certain EEO categories — minorities, women, maybe slight handicap, etc. — EVERYTHING but “senior citizen”. DOE subcontractors “got points” if there was a significant % of EEO plus-type people in the ranks.
Kim said, emphasizing and counting the categories/points on his fingers: “So, except for the fact that the other candidates are YOUNGER, BETTER-LOOKING (think attractive female for most points), SMARTER, BETTER-EDUCATED, LESS OF AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM AND HEALTH RISK …”
“And WILLING TO WORK HARDER FOR LESS MONEY!” Paul interjected …
Kim continued: “yes, except for those 8 or so minor categories, we three have just as much chance of getting the job as those others!”
The universe re-assembled itself into a convincing semblance of resolution. We continued smoking quietly, leaning back in our chairs, feet on the desk, watching the smoke curl upward.
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the previous post is a true story. as you can tell, there is ample room in there for a lot of bitterness. High-class high-proof (think 90 proof or more) bitterness. At the time we weren’t REAL bitter — there was some satisfaction in collectively explaining why things were the way they were.
The bitterness, of course, came later, and then again later, and continues to this day. And i’m fairly sure i’ll continue to be bitter about this sort of thing …
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I will always be bitter about work stuff, even when I’m getting CEO pay for middle management effort.
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whoa, dood! thass reeeel bitter !
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You bitter believe it.
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1. I’m the low caliber person in my company of tech speakers. I wurk in cusdumber service and I also pass anything hard to someone else.
2. I’ve been passed over for every promotion and good job ever as I’m 15 years here and still stuck at entry level.
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&, no doubt as a gr8 aid 2 yore bitterness: still s(t)uck @ entry level …
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Yeah, entry level is the wurst.
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How about a glass of ginger ale and limeade; it’s got FIZZ!
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The Limeade would be great if it was sold anywhere. Talk about making me bitter.
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You can make limeade yourself! For one quart, stir together 3 1/2 cups water, 1/2 cup bottled lime juice (such as ReaLime) and 1/2 cup sugar. If you like it really bitter, use less sugar. Or just leave it out completely.
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That sounds awesome except for one part. The ingredient where I am too lazy to make it myself.
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i can’t believe it is i, the apprentice Bitterling, who HAS TO point out the obvious:
you have to add “Bitters”. as Ben (might) know(s) — i’ve got a bottle-&-a-half and would lend you some, but i hate lending things which can’t, really, be lent back.
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I actually don’t drink, so no, it wasn’t obvious to me. HA ha!
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I’ve been feeling very crappy lately, but between this and the massive tire fire I didn’t cause, things are looking up!! Thanks, bitterone!!
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Trust me, it is a bitter tire fire all around. At work it is busy, at home it is busy and even my bitterness has been busy. Don’t people know that I like minding my OWN business?
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Yup. It’s a bitter bitch!!
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I’d tell you how funny i think this is, but I’m laughing too hard to couch it in the proper bitter phrasing.
In my own life, I started my first concert choir because the ministerial advisor at the church music university in frankfurt told me to think about another field, since my voice was too sensual to sing Bach.
truly.
after about a week of bitterest anger I started laughing and started my own choir- to sold out venues of usually over 1000. And after getting married, in-laws, a government job, and finally the usual nonsense of conducting, I laugh almost continuously.
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Little did that ministerial advisor know that you would go on to become a successful sensual singer of Bach.
Doesn’t he know the power of the bitterness?
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Bitter Ben, your epic fails reminded me of this story:
Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.
Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Clark and arrived under cover of darkness.
The desk clerk asked him, “Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Clark?”
Dr. Epstein replied, “Well, young man, no, it isn’t. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away.”
Why haven’t you visited?” asked the desk clerk.
Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I’ve been too ashamed to return.”
The clerk consoled him. “Sir, while I don’t have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even remembered by others. I bet that’s true of your incident too.”
Dr. Epstein replied, “Son, I doubt that’s the case with my incident.”
“Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”
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HAHAH! That is a great joke. This is the thing that I need to cultivate and create. A moment so bad that they name the bad thing after me. Like the Bitter Ben Hurricane, or the BB Disaster. This is pumping me up even more now!
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Scenario: A shy aspiring High School male with absolutely zero dates…sees the cheerleader of his dreams, walks up to her as they are going to pick up their diplomas after graduation ceremonies when…..
Male Genius: “I was thinking about becoming a monk for awhile and see how that works out…hey do you want to go out or something?”
(No response, no sign of female)
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Wow that sounds like an unfortunate thing that happened to someone totally not you. Like that is a really big “scenario that could have happened”.
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it was in my “antisocial” days…when I was trying to adjust to the “culture” and it was not working at all, so I tried to be funny…but no one understood the humor….it was like being a Bushman in New York City, it was not an easy place for me. My social life before 19 was Epic Failure Maximus. So, yes, I did achieve Epic Stardom in the Anals of High School…
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My social life has been pretty Epic fail for the first 42 years…Probably because I haven’t left anti-social land yet.
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Ooooooh Canada!!!
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I know right? Canada is responsible for some big disasters too! Never underestimate a Canadian!
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That made me laugh so much. As if someone could have invented a more Canadian almost-disaster.
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I’m guessing after the almost disaster, they said sorry. Sometimes I think I’m Canadian, because I say that so much.
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Yeah, as a Canadian, I can confirm it is a bloody hard habit to break.
Don’t do it. It is annoying.
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I know. Every time I bump into someone I’m always saying excuse me too. It is so annoying.
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Ah, this makes me feel a bit better. I have a similar feeling of ‘breaking over the hump.’ I feel like I’ve plateaued a bit in some aspects of life. As a former Blockbuster employee when I was in high school, I’m pretty pissed that was the spark of their downfall. I never knew! Damn lol
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I know and it probably makes you even more bitter that YOU weren’t the one responsible….or maybe you were and you are just being modest? Do you remember giving the creator of Netflix a hard time on his late fee?
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Nah… I used to give credits as often as I could lol.
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Well, that’s a bummer. You could have been the one to take down Blockbuster. Maybe next time you can be responsible for the rise of another company or the downfall of another.
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I can only hope
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Might I recommend the butterfly effect approach? All you need is one small thing to start a chain reaction. Let’s say you fall down in front of some guy and he trips over you and spills coffee all over his suit. Now he has to lead his work presentation all frazzled and covered in brown stains, so of course he’s going to botch it. Now his boss is upset, the rival businessmen are upset, their bickering devolves into shouting, and the whole meeting falls apart. Years of labor and greased palms and paperwork go up in flames.
Congratulations! You just single-handedly stopped a multi-billion dollar business merger!
This technique can be a little tricky to pull off, but it’s immensely satisfying to watch it all unfold. I’ve been throwing myself down flights of stairs for years and I’d like to think that it’s directly caused several international conflicts.
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I’ve always known that it can be a little thing, like the guy forgetting to watch his pie or the student monitoring the tree the wrong way, but it’s all about timing. Just like Google was created because of timing, Google can only be taken down, by good timing too. So I just need to find my right moment and seize it, so I can cause a worldwide calamity.
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I think I feel like a failure biweekly lol I start to get caught up in all the things I should be doing. These definitely make me feel better though, I have never failed that hard hahah
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Yeah, it’s nice to see that some people have the ability to fail hard. I think we could probably add that guy from the Little Caesar’s commercials that is the scapegoat for the bacon wrapped crust from going away.
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This puts my whole day into perspective ^.^ although you never know when my moment of epic failure fame will arrive…it could happen any time now…and then I can take my place among the world’s epic failures. 😛
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You should wish to be up in the Mt. Rushmore of Epic Fails. You should fail so hard that your granite face on the side of the mountain is softer.
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I just heard the backstory to Mt. Rushmore the other day and my faith in humanity plummeted one point further.
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I think I was told the backstory about it once and totally forgot it, because I have a short memory for things that aren’t video games and sports. What is the backstory again?
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A friend of mine who loves history told me that the face of Mt. Rushmore was sacred to a group of Native Americans, and we had at first said we wouldn’t touch it in a treaty. Then we go and put our presidents’ faces on it. The Wikipedia article confirms there was some controversy but doesn’t go into a lot of detail.
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There is also another monument out there in Western South Dakota called Crazy Horse and for years it was just a huge hole in the mountain(I grew up in SD). I think they finally finished it a few years ago.
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This made my day today. I’ve been feeling like an epic failure lately. So much so that I haven’t been able to even write about it, yet. This post turned that all over on it’s head, and I laughed out loud at “tree-t” HA!
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And that is why I do this. So I can make your day. I’m glad it was such a tree-t for you!
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Very inspiring. Next time I fail, I shall endeavor to the spectacular like these people.
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The world can be a worse place for all of us, if we try harder to fail bigger.
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We all strive to fail, don’t we? Yahoo and the grad student have to you beat today in failure, but you shall prevail tomorrow. Or the next day. Or in 10 years. Keep trying.
By the way, you get -1,000 points for utilizing a photo of the Doctor, because he rarely, if ever, failed.
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Some people are happy with the little everyday failures, but not me, not anymore. When I found out the havoc I could reek from just tiny mistakes, I just wanted to try harder for bigger failures!
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Oh, this is awesome! There is hope for us underachievers yet! Fail hard, fail harder, I love the entire concept.
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I just think we need to start failing on a bigger scale. No more of this little timing it.
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Absolutely! If we’re going to fail, we should at least put some effort into it, show some enthusiasm. Go big or go home. 😉
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And I need to fail big and then go home…and take a nap.
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A nap sounds good right now. lol
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A nap sounds good all the time…
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This is very true.
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Especially at work when you need to ignore people.
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Oh gawd, yes! Just fall out when they are talking nonsense to you.
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I like to pretend I’m talking on the phone, then get a little shut eye.
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lol
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Epic failure, you’ve given me something to strive for, I was completely out of challenges! Thank you!
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Failing on a small scale is something we all do, but that isn’t enough for me anymore. I want to fail on a global scale!
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I feel that! If I am going to do something I want to be the best at it!
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Enough of the little failures. Let’s fail big and not learn stuff from it!
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What’s the sense in failing big time if we are going to learn from it?
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Pretty much, who wants to learn lessons?
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So boring. I like things the way they are.
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Who needs change right? Certainly not society.
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Heavens no!
Couldn’t be better
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I could be more bitter though. I could definitely try harder on that.
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I think I am at the pinnacle of my bitterness. Eureka!
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So you are on the top of Mt. Bitterness like me?
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Lol! Yep
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It’s really bitter cold at the top.
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shivers!
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I know only you can achieve such levels of bitter failures. I can only imagine on what grand scale it will be. I am here reminded of the great failure in Spinal Tap when they made a miniature Stone Henge since Nigel wrote the measurements in inches instead of feet. The quote to the manager was “It’s not your job to be as confused as Nigel”…but Ben, maybe it is!
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It have always had the ability to mess up jobs around the house, but that simply isn’t enough for me now. I want my mess ups to affect the whole world and possibly even the universe.
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Wow, you’re really going for it. I can feel the importance of this! Maybe you should run for president.
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That might be the only way to make a failure on a global scale like I want to. This time I actually have a shot though. Have you seen the other choices?
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No…should I have? Cause if I should have, then I probably did!
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Then President Bitter it is!
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sorry? (well, knotWreelee) to keep intruding, but when you commented on “messing up jobs around the house” — just yesterday i told my wife (whose back was “out” due to tooo mutsch gardening) that i would pull all the grass and weeds out of the spearmint planter. after 20 minutes she comes out and i had been mainly pulling out the spearmint. an incredible thing happened. she did not go ape-feces-berserker, but laughed … knowingly ?
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sorry again, the preeveeUss post was not that bitter. just weight …
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I’m weighting.
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So your bitterness didn’t come to pass. Me on the other hand, does not engage in activities outdoors.
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well, i’m bitter! I thought I could/would axually do her a gardening favor! it’s back to even (oddly) more menial tasks again — and probably “for good” (witch uv coarse meens “4 bad”) this time. due to advanced chronology and deteriorating u-no-wots ‘n all ~
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That’s what you get for trying to be a gardener. I’m actually a Gardner(my last name).
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Awesome post! I suddenly stopped feeling so loser-ish, haha. Although that tree-story could have been me. I am naturally clumsy like that… 🙂
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Sometimes we just need to try a little harder to be an Epic Fail. And these people just inspired that failure in me.
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