I’m seeing a lot of hearts around lately. When I was at Target, I saw them on little cards with basketball players, Spongebob and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. They had really bad pun sayings on them that only I would appreciate. (Even kids groan at these things.) There was also candy and chocolate in the form of hearts. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve never eaten a heart. They belong in your body, doing a job called pumping blood into the rest of your body, not feeling things, representing love or being on Valentine’s cards. Cause gross. I’m no scientist, but I do know something about hearts by way of the internet. They have four chambers and they each have a job.
Here’s an inside look at what is beating inside my bitter heart.
Chamber #1: The Chamber of Bitterness. This might be the most obvious thing you have heard all year. This might be more obvious than, “It rains in Seattle,”, “It’s Windy in Chicago” or “Jay Leno isn’t funny”, but it has to be said. It comes from the little things in the early years like getting carrot cake for my first birthday, to the really big things of the my current, modern life, like yesterday when I found out that the last minute of my favorite show was cut off, causing me to miss possibly the last word of the show, which could have completely changed what will happen next week.
Chamber #2: The Haunted House Chamber. No one has been inside this chamber for a long time. It is cold, dark and the only thing that visits this place are a bunch of spiderwebs. Even the spiders and mice are afraid to come here. I would advise you not try to visit this place because ghosts haunt this place. It is said that one time an all healthy tour bus of Fresh Fruit, Green Beans, Broccoli and Salad came here trying to clean this chamber, but no one ever saw them again. A few healthy foods have tried to visit, but the four famous Ghosts of Healthy Food continue to haunt them to this day. When others try to visit all they can hear are moans of “Ohhhh, heartburnnnnnnn.” Even Nexium won’t visit this chamber.
Chamber #3: The Chamber of Secrets. This Chamber is a place where blood platelets from all around come to visit. Whenever they have a secret so bad, so evil, so dark and hideous that they can’t even tell their psychiatrist, they make a journey to the Heart Chamber of Secrets. They must journey alone as their secret will not be kept if they don’t come to the Chamber of Secrets alone. They enter the large, dark chamber where they yell their secret in the soundproof room and the secret is then placed in a locked box for all eternity. This chamber is a fortress that is more secure that Fort Knox and Azkaban combined. It is guarded by magic and wizard indigestion.
Chamber #4: The Chamber of Cholesterol. This chamber is a night club where good food goes to party all day and night. You know, pepperoni pizza, pancakes, bacon, cheese, sausage, meatballs, and all the Italians. All the foods that are really good for you. It is nightclub with a doorman and bouncers. There is always a crowd there, but only the most popular foods are allowed. They party all night there and they are loud and the Vain Highway is always packed. A vegetable tried to get in once, but he was sent violently back out. He was never heard from again. Must have gone to the Haunted House Chamber.
Today is a big day for hearts. So let’s concentrate on what is really good for it. It isn’t diamonds or flowers or grand gestures. What your heart really needs is some bitterness, a visit to the haunted house, a secret and some cholesterol. Have a Bitter Valentine’s Day!
Arrrrggghhhhh
Bitter Heart Attacked Ben
I look forward to your new posts, Ben! Having a little bitterness in my life makes everything else sweeter by comparison. I think those little kiddie cards are groaners, too, btw. May all four chambers of your bitter heart rejoice this Valentine’s Day!
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What is ironic is this is actually one of my older posts a did a few years ago. Shh don’t tell anyone. I just was feeling under the weather because my heart detests all the sweetness of Valentine’s. But I hope you get the bitterness you need today!
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Great post – a whole new way of looking at the heart. Unfortunately, I can’t bring myself to click on “Like” because you dissed carrot cake. It is one of the five recipes I have mastered and a big hit here in Europe. And despite the carrots, it is mostly fat and sugar, so a super candidate for Chamber #4.
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I just can’t have a vegetable invading my cake. I understand many people like it, just not my cup of vegetables. And chocolate is really good here in US, because we like what isn’t good for us(or maybe that is just me).
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Oh I hate when my DVR does that. It always seems to stop during the last few minutes of a show, No wonder I’m so bitter. So much for Chamber number #1. As for Chamber number #2 I heard Pepcid AC even stays out of that neighborhood—probably due to the rumors of mass pizza consumption. I thinks whispers of bitterness reside in Chamber #3, and Chamber number #4 sounds like it’s really studio 54 in disguise. Ben, you have haunting tales of a cold, cold heart. ‘D
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It’s a bitter heart. Twice in two consecutive shows the cut off the ending like three seconds early and I’m thinking in those two seconds, I missed a bunch of clues that would have made sense in the finales, but DVR hates me and doesn’t want me to know.
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I don’t think DVR’s gets how critical three seconds can be. We could miss the promos for next weeks episode, thereby forcing us to watch that entire episode on DVR and miss the last three seconds of promo again next week. That’s diabolical!
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It is just a diabolical way of getting us to watch it live, because you won’t miss the ending. Pure bitterness!
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Indeed! 😀
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Though I’d be pretty diabolical too, if I was a little smarter.
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Ah, mores the pity. Perhaps someday. 😀
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My goal is to get a degree in diabolicallness. Maybe I’ll get a PhD at the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness.
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I hear they’re one of the best. But my wife claims I must be deaf because I seldom finish what she ask me to do. So, you might want to ignore my endorsement of the school.
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I think I’ll just go ahead and listen to my own endorsement of the school. Just like in real life, I just need a school without any real credentials, just need a degree that I won’t ever use.
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That’s like most of us. 😀
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It has taken me far in life. At least the B.I.T.T.E.R. School of Bitterness won’t take me as long or cost as much money. Though the parties there I hear are kind of bummers.
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Only because the Dean sucks on a lemon. 😀
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And is so oppressively bitter. Let’s toilet paper his house!
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Toga!!! Uh… I mean…TeeeeePeeeee!!!
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Yeah, he deserves a bunch of ribbing for being such a fuddy duddy.
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spoderman is on maximum sweg
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Oh my goodness that was both disturbing and funny as crap. Amazing.
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XD i kno !
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I need to see more of that guys videos.
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: memes intensify :
😮
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I think you might spend as much time as my kids on the YouTubes. Maybe I should start doing the same.
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i learn a lot each day bout the good, the bad and the rekt
😮
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This involves one of my favorite memes. One where they have those three guys in a stare down, then have little unimpressed Chloe in the middle.
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but is the rock kill? lmao
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Isn’t the rock always kill?
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lol
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Spoderman out.
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of mice and memes 😜
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I know what you meme.
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Buddy, not many people make me howl with laughter at 8 a.m. but you just did… I’m drinking my coffee bitter from now on. I noted a reference to Target so you’re in the states, but you are purr Brit at heart. And that’s a good thing!
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Bitterness comes from the heart. It all started in those 4 chambers.
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If someone is making you howl at 8 am, you need to get better locks! Or perhaps a family that doesn’t try to scare you that early in the morning.
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Funny, intelligent, and well written. A good way to process the disappointments we all experience…so long as you don’t let the bitterness consume you. It would be a shame to waste so much talent.
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I will try not to waste my talents with my bitterness. I’ll waste them some other way.
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Pingback: In case you missed it…Because you were busy becoming a Bitter All-Star | Ben's Bitter Blog
I founds something really cute that your heart will appreciate – watermelon innards cut into the shape of a heart. 😉
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I would cut the heart out of the watermelon heart and eat it! Right in front of the kids too.
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^ Hahahahaha!!
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Bring it little kids!
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Great post Ben.
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Thanks from the four sections of my bitter heart.
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Now that I know the ins and outs of your heart….I feel like I know you so much better. Ill eat a heart for you this year! 🙂
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That sounds downright canabalistic. Nice.
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I had brussel sprouts sauteed in bacon grease today–That is one way to disguise a vegetable to get into the Chamber of Cholesterol.
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The bitter cholesterol detectors would kick that haunted peice of vegetable right out.
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Bitterly touching, lol.
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The Chamber of Cholesterol sounds like fun. All the best food groups dancing around together! I’m going to need a chamber reserved for post-Valentine’s day chocolate. Because, chocolate.
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Let’s hope that you Chocolate heart has a few chambers fo that.
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Your bitter sarcasm slays me. I bet those four bitter chambers are great for furthering your bitter motivation and planning.
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They are all working toward the bitter empire I am hoping to build.
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Excellent. Just what I want to hear. Chaos heartily approves of this project.
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It will be a bitter masterpiece.
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Leno isn’t funny. That was the secret I kept hidden for so long. I feel free!!
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I think we all secretly know he is terribly unfunny, but are afraid to admit it.
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I’ll be in the chamber of cholesterol on friday (well actually that’s everyday). And you will be happy to hear that I have been feeling very BITTER lately.
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Well, I have been really bitter lately too. It only has 100% to do with my job.
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I wish my heart had a Chamber of Secrets. I’d even settle for a Chamber of Commerce.
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I assume that the Chamber of Commerce pays well.
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Oh my GOD, your cardiologist would croak, but this is so funny. Bah, hah, hah…keep ’em coming!
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My cardiologist gets sad everytime he sees me. He keeps thinking he will lose a patient soon.
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Chamber #1: “Jimmy Fallon isn’t funny either.”
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So few really are..besides you of course.
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another masterpiece…Your Jay Leno comment caught me off guard and the sound I made disturbed my wife… She can be soooo bitter sometimes
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I thought everyone knew that Leno wasn’t funny.
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oh what i would give to be on an all healthy tour bus.they probably have: a my heart beets for you salad with beets shaped like hearts
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Heart beets are disgusting.
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maybe to eat, but they are so cute when you use cookie cutters to heart them.
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gross.
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okay you can make heart cookies with yours..fig neutrons
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chambers is a jewish name . i don’t know how, but he was principal /sunday school…
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Love it – scientific (I forgot there are 4 chambers) and hilarious!
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Thanks to Wikipedia I figured out about the four chambers. However, only I have four chambers like that.
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Ah, Wikipedia – gotta love it!
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Wikipedia is where I always go for my misinformation.
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Wikipedia – gasp! That’s the place I tell my kids never to go… It’s a crap shoot with the info you get on there sometimes. You’re living life on the edge…
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I know right? I think it is funny when people use it as a source. Remember when they used to have encyclopedia’s instead of Google?
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Oh my Lord, I was just teaching about encyclopedias! You should have seen some of the expressions – like, “Why would I take out a book when the Internet has everything?” Absolutely crazy!
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I can’t believe they even use them anymore! kids these days are so spoiled. I remember having to bring those things home and using a 2 or 3 paragraph entry to write a paper. So crazy now that google replaces all those things.
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delicious. 🙂 Especially ventricle numero tres…
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Make sure you have bring your secret.
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I like chamber #2 lol
http://www.awordofsubstance.wordpress.com
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My brain is just about as haunted as that chamber.
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The bitterness is deliciously true. Kudos to the chambers.
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I would love to get some bigger chambers to sleep in.
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Ah yes, I think we all have a chamber of secrets, don’t we? 🙂 Funny post.
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Some chambers are a little more open than mine. But yeah we all have those chamber of secrets.
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What? No alcohol?
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That wouldn’t be in my heart.
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