I’m seeing a lot of hearts around lately. When I was at Target, I saw them on little cards with basketball players, Spongebob and the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. They had really bad pun sayings on them that only I would appreciate. (Even kids groan at these things.) There was also candy and chocolate in the form of hearts. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve never eaten a heart. They belong in your body, doing a job called pumping blood into the rest of your body, not feeling things, representing love or being on Valentine’s cards. Cause gross. I’m no scientist, but I do know something about hearts by way of the internet. They have four chambers and they each have a job.
Here’s an inside look at what is beating inside my bitter heart.
Chamber #1: The Chamber of Bitterness. This might be the most obvious thing you have heard all year. This might be more obvious than, “It rains in Seattle,”, “It’s Windy in Chicago” or “Jay Leno isn’t funny”, but it has to be said. It comes from the little things in the early years like getting carrot cake for my first birthday, to the really big things of the my current, modern life, like yesterday when I found out that the last minute of my favorite show was cut off, causing me to miss possibly the last word of the show, which could have completely changed what will happen next week.
Chamber #2: The Haunted House Chamber. No one has been inside this chamber for a long time. It is cold, dark and the only thing that visits this place are a bunch of spiderwebs. Even the spiders and mice are afraid to come here. I would advise you not try to visit this place because ghosts haunt this place. It is said that one time an all healthy tour bus of Fresh Fruit, Green Beans, Broccoli and Salad came here trying to clean this chamber, but no one ever saw them again. A few healthy foods have tried to visit, but the four famous Ghosts of Healthy Food continue to haunt them to this day. When others try to visit all they can hear are moans of “Ohhhh, heartburnnnnnnn.” Even Nexium won’t visit this chamber.
Chamber #3: The Chamber of Secrets. This Chamber is a place where blood platelets from all around come to visit. Whenever they have a secret so bad, so evil, so dark and hideous that they can’t even tell their psychiatrist, they make a journey to the Heart Chamber of Secrets. They must journey alone as their secret will not be kept if they don’t come to the Chamber of Secrets alone. They enter the large, dark chamber where they yell their secret in the soundproof room and the secret is then placed in a locked box for all eternity. This chamber is a fortress that is more secure that Fort Knox and Azkaban combined. It is guarded by magic and wizard indigestion.
Chamber #4: The Chamber of Cholesterol. This chamber is a night club where good food goes to party all day and night. You know, pepperoni pizza, pancakes, bacon, cheese, sausage, meatballs, and all the Italians. All the foods that are really good for you. It is nightclub with a doorman and bouncers. There is always a crowd there, but only the most popular foods are allowed. They party all night there and they are loud and the Vain Highway is always packed. A vegetable tried to get in once, but he was sent violently back out. He was never heard from again. Must have gone to the Haunted House Chamber.
Today is a big day for hearts. So let’s concentrate on what is really good for it. It isn’t diamonds or flowers or grand gestures. What your heart really needs is some bitterness, a visit to the haunted house, a secret and some cholesterol. Have a Bitter Valentine’s Day!
Bitter Heart Attacked Ben