When I was in 7th grade, we did a career day where we had to decide what we wanted to be when we grew up. I decided that I wanted to be an advertising copywriter. So I stuck with that dream and decided that anything that didn’t have to do with writing copy was worthless and I didn’t need to know anything about it. So I stopped paying attention to math and social studies and science and those other things. I just needed to get to a place where ad agencies would find me and ask me to be their ad copywriter.
Because I was so diligent in not listening to other people, I ended up not becoming an ad copywriter, because apparently they like people with experience. And you can’t get experience if you don’t have a job. Weird cycle someone at the top created. So I decided to change my job goals to becoming an author. That way, when I get the book published, I will make a billion dollars like J.K. Rowling and then just sit around being a reclusive author that doesn’t ever grant interviews.
But recently, something changed. I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts, and a commercial(which I could have written, had I had any experience) came on. It was an ad for a school that teaches you how to become a certified personal trainer and guarantees that you will get a job in 90 days or you money back. My goal immediately become to be a personal trainer.
You know personal trainers though. They are all those cut, fit, physical wonders that look like they were sculpted on Mt. Olympus that just have to run on a Bowflex for 20 minutes everyday. What they don’t know is that when they train people, their people can’t relate to them. Their trainer doesn’t eat cheeseburgers. Their trainer doesn’t have a job that requires them to sit for 8-10 hours at a desk. The gym is their office.
Well, when I become your personal trainer, you will go, “Hey, I can do that.” I will teach you stuff like how to sit on a couch properly, how to stuff pizza into your mouth in several unique ways, and how to go to the fridge for snacks.
The other day I noticed a show on one of those channels that is trying a radical new approach for trainers. Their cut little selves are going to go through what their clients are and gain 60 pounds in three months and realize how it feels. Well, in my program, I skip that part because I’m already there. But if you need me to eat more pizza, I will. Just don’t expect me to lose any with you.
My program will involve you getting stuff for me. When you get to the gym, I will bark out instructions like, “I just ordered a pizza for carryout. It is 15 minutes away. Go run and pick it up and whatever you do, no eating it! And it better be hot or I’m going to send you back to get another one!”
I’ll send you on grocery runs, or more like grossery runs, where I get all kinds of food that have grease and sugar and lactose and I’ll throw in some carrots, which you get to eat and pay me for because what do I look like to you? Someone that is generous?
I personally think that you should hate your trainer and you know what? Most people do, because they will work you to the bone and yell at you, but eventually you start losing the weight. Me, on the other hand, you will hate for other reasons. I will yell at you for no reason at all, or because I had a bitter day at work and I’m taking it out on you. I will yell at you because your selfie’s were blurry. So not only will you not lose any weight but you will also gain selfie esteem issues.
And that is why I’m changing careers right now. Because there can be no more bitter satisfaction in life than to transfer your bitterness to someone else.
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHH
Bitter Extreme Exercise Ben
You DO realize I sprinkle gold fairy dust on all my food? So….enjoy eating all the food in front of me! 😛
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All the gold fairy dust must be infecting your lungs. I can’t imagine eating little shards of metal can be good for you. Have you had a doctor look at your golden lungs?
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Yes and he says they are healthy and brilliant!! 😛
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Brilliant for sure.
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Can I suggest a lifestyle coach?
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Yes, you may suggest that. Can I be bitterlife coach?
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I don’t see why not, it might make a refreshing change and soon rather than later you will be bathing at your own private mansion in Hollywood but of course still being very bitter 😉
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I imagine a lot of people need help in their lives being a little more bitter. And if I could have a mansion somewhere it wouldn’t be Hollywood. It would somewhere way cheaper, where I could get a much bigger house.
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that is fair enough, I think you would want somewhere warm where there are rich people ready to pay you $1000 a minute
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For some reason Texas or Georgia come to mind, because they are warm and property is much cheaper there. At least according to all those home makeover shows.
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My knowledge of the States is not fantastic but Texas must have rich people
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Oh, sorry. Texas is cheaper for the most part because they have a lot of oilfields and that lowers the cost I guess? Plus it’s huge state and lots of open land.
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Basing my whole knowledge of Texas on Dallas 😉 they seemed pretty rich although lots of open land maybe bad for bitterness?
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I drove through the state once and it took me 8 hours to get from the western most spot to the middle. And it was almost all completely unpopulated.
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wow that must be amazing, everything near me (uk) is populatated
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Yeah, it is nice to have kind of a wide open country. The upper east coast is more like the UK.
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Thank you for improving my geography
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It’s pretty much all I know. I would be lost in the rest of the world.
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I get lost in my own back garden, I am useless 😉
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I’m pretty good with directions when I’m on my own turf, but in a new city, I could tend to get lost. In fact, in San Antonio, Texas, I was there and their downtown was so confusing I could never find my way around there.
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I have tried to understand a few of the traffic laws in the States but its the one thing I find is very very different to the UK. No jaywalking laws for example which we need
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I think we have so many traffice laws because we are one of the least public transportation using countries in the world. Most of us don’t use public transportation unless we don’t have a car.
And jaywalk is one of those laws that never gets ticketed. Most people here don’t even understand that one.
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I watch too much law and order, they always get the bad guy for jay walking
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And there is the thing about Law and Order. It’s always in New York. And the thing about New Yorker’s is they think they ARE the United States and no one else exists outside of it. At least most of the east coast thinks that about the rest of us.
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LOL while I enjoy the shows I do find them a little unbelievable
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Yeah, it’s funny how they always seem to be at work, and they are always handling one case at a time, and they always find leads. I’ve thought multiple times about doing a post on how many crime shows there are and they are one of the originals that spawned so many of them.
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They are, I think CSI is, in my mind, certainly the most unbelievable, I am not sure which CSI’s carry guns and arrest someone. I always thought that was either the police or in some cases the ADA
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And the worst acted. Have you seen CSI Cyber? So bad, especially Patricia Arquette.
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I don’t think that ever made it over here, we had CSI, CSI Miami and CSI New York. Its a bit like when I was in the States (12 years ago) a new Law and Order came on, I think it was Law and order trial by Jury, that never made it over here. But to be fair I don’t think I have seen Patricia Arquette actually act
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You are actually pretty lucky. It is trainwreck bad. And Patricia Arquette is pretty bad. Try to avoid her at all costs.
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Its a shame because I do like her brother
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Yeah, he is fine. And he is actually a likable fellow.
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Love this!!
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Do you need a bitterlife coach? I am available for coaching.
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I’m pretty, pretty bitter, but if I need a refresher- YOU’RE MY GUY!!
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I can see why you are so bitter. Being a Twitter superstar like you must have it’s bitter side.
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“Grossery Store” Haha!! 🙂 I so want a taco now, and perhaps a cheeseburger pizza.
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Or all of those things remixed together. The “grosser” the better.
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Great verbiage, great career, great comments (since mine seem to fall like led balloons once I read them later).
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Uh, this is sounding dangerously close to a compliment. Are you sure you didn’t find all kinds of reading errors?
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Sadly, I didn’t appreciate Dilbert until I started working in Corporate America. Now I’m sad that I find Dilbert hilarious… because it means I am living it! AAAAARGH -Acerbic Aurora
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I didn’t really get him until I started having co-workers either. Now, I know many workers that are each of those characters and situations are so very similar.
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This sounds a lot like one of my past relationships. I guess he was just training me and I didn’t know it.
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Yeah, it would have been nice to know so you didn’t invest so much in that “membership”. If it was found out in the free trial you might have never signed up for the two year deal. Or some other terrible metaphor like that.
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You’ve read my blog. All it is is awful metaphors and bad puns. My blog is safe place for all of that.
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Then mix that metaphor up and make it into a nice pie that we can both eat.
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Funny enough, my next entry is about pie.
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There is nothing better than a pistachio pie with Cool Whip. I’m looking forward to your pie post.
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A job where you get paid to yell at people? I like the sound of that! Where can I sign up?
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I know right? I get paid like zero dollars to yell at my kids all the time, so it would be nice to yell at others for money all the time.
By the way, thanks for getting me published! It was such a nice surprise on Friday!
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I appreciate that but it wasn’t all me. A panel was involved in the selection process. I was just one voice. Congratulations!
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So everyone else on the panel voted for me and you didn’t and now you are taking all the credit aren’t you! But seriously, if I didn’t know about your blog I wouldn’t have even submitted, so….
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Bitter congratulations to you, sir! It was a bitterly entertaining story!
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And I can’t wait to hear someone else read it. It will be quite a trip!
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If you want, check out some of our podcasts. (Enter shameless plug here.) I filled in last month but our regular producer will be doing it this month and he always does a fantastic job. http:pilcrowdagger.com/podcasts
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I actually did listen to the one you did. Not shameless at all. And a fine job you did filling in. I did ask this question of your co-publisher partner but I was just curious if I get a complimentary copy of the issue or if I need to buy it. Not a big deal either way.
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You will need to buy the print copy but we you’ll get a free digital copy to keep.
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Sounds fair to me. Do you know how much it would cost to get a single issue? And I’ve had some friends ask when the issue is coming out. Any idea?
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The issue will be available for purchase on February 25th – the release date. We’ll send you details on the author cost in an email at a later time.
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Cool. Can’t wait!
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Thank you for your kind words!
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I applaud people that can do it with their voice. I’ve not been blessed with a great one, which is why I write…
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Bitter Monday to you Ben, mugs up! 🙂
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I’d rather be playing thumbs up seven up, but my mug isn’t wanting to get up.
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as if some people who take selfies already have issues… lol
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No they don’t have issues at all. Just like I don’t have any bitterness issues.
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Well it’s all about realistic goals, right?
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Yep, a trainer that is in worse shape than the trainee, sounds like it would work as well as a led balloon. But you know, I am a pioneer.
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Well, look at what happened to Led Zeppelin!
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Not sure what happened to Led Zepplin. I’m not a rock historian like you.
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No, obviously, judging by your profile picture, you must be running for president. Is that a smile on your face? Don’t strain yourself or anything.
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I had to put that fake profile picture up of me, because I’m now posting on my company’s blog. Let me just say how painful it was to get enough electric shock for me to smile in that picture.
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It hard to look at.
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You’re telling me. It’s the ultimate form of bitterness, knowing that I want a bitter looking one, but can’t for “professional” sake. Stupid jobs interfering with my bitter life.
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I would just quit at that point.
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I’m been wanting to quit here since the first day, but it’s pretty hard to find a job that allows me to be bitter all the time. Let’s just say the market for bitter, lazy eat pizza on the couch all day type people is pretty low.
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