We are Groot.
Guardians of the Galaxy was a big hit last summer because it was unique and different. Bitter heroes and villains were everywhere. Peter Quill aka Star Lord was bitter about his mother’s death and his subsequent kidnapping. Gamora was bitter because she’s the adopted daughter of a guy that wants to destroy the universe. Drax the Destroyer was bitter because he couldn’t understand sarcasm. Oh and his wife died. And Rocket Racoon was bitter because he was a raccoon. I was totally onboard with all the bitterness.
But then there was Groot, the overgrown walking tree. For some reason he thought it was necessary for the Guardians to get along and become a team and that is when the movie fell apart for me. The part at the end where he sacrificed himself to protect his friends from dying and all the sparkly lights lit up and he said, “We are Groot”.
It seems like everyone is trying to teach you that doing things together is the key to success. That “lone wolfing” it will never get you anywhere and it’s unhealthy. That the only way to have real success in this world is to do things “together”.
The person that preaches that has never been a part of a group project in school or on a group project at work. Not one time in the history of the group project has any good grade or anything productive ever come from working together.
Alright our order is here. The pizza for you to split is the one on the bottom.
Since I am known in my company as the expert on pizza, I am always the designated orderer of pizza. Think about ordering pizza for a group of 9 people. Then imagine the bitter looks on the faces of those people when you order 6 pepperoni pizzas. No one is ever not bitter. “I wanted extra cheese.” “I wanted thin crust” “I wanted cheese in the crust” “I wanted Canadian Bacon and Pineapple” “You didn’t get breadsticks?'”I wanted diet soda” “Well, I wanted to not order pizza for anyone but myself”. Ordering pizza by yourself is ALWAYS better.
Reading a book as a group is always a bad idea especially when you all read out loud at the same time. I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time concentrating on the heavy themes of “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” when other people are reading them aloud with me. It’s pretty clear I’m the fastest reader in the group and some people just need to keep up little Billy. I’m sorry they don’t teach you how to read in pre-school. It’s not my fault you can’t keep up.
Meetings are generally okay. Until you start inviting other people. Then what was turning out to be a mutual sharing of ideas with myself, becomes this totally unrealistic mess where we talk about how to actually accomplish things, and goals are thrown around and assignments are given to me, and all of a sudden what was just grand ideas that would make my life lazier is turning into making me do stuff. Though if you ever struggle with sleeping, just record a meeting and play it while you are at home and you will be instantly snoozing.
Best way to get rest.
While just about everything is better when done alone, there is one instance where “We are Grooting” happens. There is one relationship where the Gestalt idea of the whole being greater than the sum of the parts. When me, my couch and phone become one, it is pretty special. My bitterly aching back is repaired by becoming part leather and pillowing and cushion and my aching hand are healed by becoming part of the phone. The couch comes alive with a beating heart and gets smarter from the phone. My phone starts to change the internet into a bitter cushiony place to be. We all become so connected that we are becoming ultimate bitter blogger. That’s when “We Are Groot.” happens.
ARRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter We are Groot Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
You my friend are HILARIOUS and I appreciate your humor and bitterness.
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I hard to find people that appreciate bitterness. Most people like happy or fun.
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No way man, bitterness = honesty. I dig it. Plus you mix in a healthy dose of humor, which makes it go down way easier than straight up bitter. It’s like coffee–some people like it black, some people need a little creamer (my preference), and some people take the whole damn cap off the sugar shaker and dump it in (like my friend).
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I think for me bitterness is just looking at the world a little differently than most people do. Not quite evil, but realistic.
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Ben,
Thanks for stopping by my blog (The Biz Of Pacelinebiz) and liking it on occasion. I haven’t had time until now to stop by and leave a comment although I do indulge in your bitterness once in awhile too. The fact that you liked my blog made me feel compelled to comment on your blog and that has made me bitter. You truly do make bitter better. Thanks for the bitterness.
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Your posts are simply awesome… I loved everything about this post from the mention of school group projects to ordering pizza!! You made me laugh 😀 thanks bitter Ben 🙂
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Pizza is my fuel for bitterness and also for sitting on the couch. If I don’t reload with some every week, my bitter tank runs empty and I just lay lifeless on the floor.
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hhahaha Wish I could eat as many as you do. >.< Bloody stomach issues
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I wish I could eat more too. Once a week seems like so few…I also have bloody stomach issues but I fight through them for pizza.
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Inspired… I must eat Pizza for lunch tomorrow.
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Why put off pizza until tomorrow when you can feel stomach pain today?
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Learned the hard way in high school: A camel is a horse built by a committee.
Since that time: I plan something, someone takes notes, and six to ten others sign their names on it, run the spell check, and order a victory cake or champagne.
We are not amused- I am.
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I think we all learned the hard way that nothing good came from a committee that all had equal input.
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Did I miss a meeting or was I there in my sleep?
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Nope. I never call any meetings. Though I would be okay if Micheal Scott was running it and he was making fun of Toby the whole time.
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Missed this meeting – who they?
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They are from The Office the TV show. If I wasn’t laughing so hard about how inappropriate they are at the Office, I would be appalled at how similar it is to mine.
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Ordering pizza, meetings, and slow readers…your post made my day! This is why I like being self-employed.
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I don’t think I could be self employed. I would always be complaining about how my boss is so lazy and he never does any work.
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I just hate it when I’m at work, minding my own business when my boss comes over, tells me to take my feet off my desk and hands me a stack of work. Hello?! I was in the middle of doing nothing! Rude much!
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And then you hate it when you get home and you are minding your own business writing a post or working on your magazine and one of these little people interupt you with questions about food and surviving. Rude!
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Exactly!
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Those little bosses can be quite demanding.
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I shudder whenever a boss uses the word “team.” It always means everyone is going to be running, trying to do the exact same thing on a project, like some 5-year-olds t-ball team.
Seriously, Roger, you’re an accountant, stop telling Dave how to write programming scripts!
*Vent Completed*
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It always means that I try to run to the break room and hide because I will get screwed on be on a team that won’t do all the work for me while I take the credit.
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I’ve never even seen Guardians of the Galaxy, but now I don’t have to, thank goodness, because you just told us the whole story. As for this lone-wolf is better thing, well, I keep thinking that, too. But then I started reading this book about how all these awesome things (the internet, computers, things with lights that blink a lot) weren’t created by mere brilliant individuals, but by teams. Can you imagine? Teamwork actually accomplished some pretty useful things. So maybe there’s something to it. Sometimes.
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I’m betting that most of the people on the “teams” were just one person doing the work and everyone else just taking the credit. Just like every group project.
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You just didn’t like him because he was a tree.
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That one was one of the reasons, yes. He was freaking shedding leaves just like all the other trees.
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You had me at “Groot.”
This is so funny, I actually considered sharing it—and then I thought—nah!
Love they way you think and write!
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Yeah, you’re right. Sharing it would mean it would go in some sort of group out there that would do nothing with it. So you were smart not to share it.
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But, they could have a pointless meeting to discuss it before they did nothing with it…the “Groot” possibilities are endless!
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Ah yes, a meeting to discuss it. Talk about a meta meeting. It would probably swallow the world whole…
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hahahhaha! I LOVE THIS. stupid groups.
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No joke. Groups of people are the worst and need to be split up in groups of one. Like, you know, the productive way.
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Groups projects = The strong students carrying the weak student so the prof doesn’t have to mark on a curve.
ugh.
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Exactly! Though I admit in some of those groups I was the weak one that made everyone else do my work. I could see how teacher be bitter about me. But one time I was the one that came up with the good idea, so I always talk about that one.
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True story, though teams of your own choosing probably work better than the ones we are forced into. You just can’t make people work together and like it, no matter how many team-building psych theories they come up with
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Yeah, I keep trying to find the right team of people to help with ideas I have for writing or whatever and I haven’t found them yet. As far as team projects that you are forced into a team with, forget about it.
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I work with a couple of We Are Groots. They are always smiling and spouting off words like “teamwork” and “collaboration”. Since I selflessly fill whatever gaps I see among my work proximity associates, I naturally become more bitter to compensate for their Groot-ness.
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I’m just glad I get to avoid meetings for the most part. And the ones I’m in, I usually just have to fake thinking about one or two things and then I daydream about other things that interest me.
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I literally JUST sat back down at my computer after a 1:1 with my boss. He said that he’s been hearing the feedback around the office that I’m too quiet. What?! There is no such thing as too quiet! Why can’t these people appreciate the beautiful gift I’ve given them in my silence?! In fact, more people should be like me! I shouldn’t get dinged on my reviews for being too quiet. I should be rewarded for not polluting the air with excess noise!
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I’m so tired of those people that you work with, and frankly the people I work with thinking that a quiet person is such a bad thing? Do they not know how much more we think of ideas to make them better if they would just ask instead of assuming that because we are quiet we aren’t amazing? I think we have a need of a super smart engineer up here. Though I wouldn’t recommend working for this place because I don’t want to be here either. Maybe we should just quit and start our own publishing agency.
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CTM… “I wouldn’t recommend working for this place because I don’t want to be here either.” Ha! We should definitely start our own publishing agency. You could find the bitterest ideas in all the land, and I would make an excellent editor. P.S. I left you some goodies on Dropbox 🙂
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What I meant to say it would be great to have you as a co-workers (or whatever your word was for them),but I wouldn’t recommend working here because you would be just as miserable here as you are there. Anyways, I would love a great editor. My posts would be so much better and my books would probably be done now instead of a hundred different drafts in my computer.
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100% agreement on the subject of meetings. The very best bit of being retired is no longer having to feel your will to live draining away through the soles of your feet in an utterly pointless meeting while some moron drones on, utterly besotted by the sound of their own voice, despite having nothing whatsoever to say.
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This is one of the things I can’t wait to retire for. The no meetings!
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If it weren’t for having to work in a team all the time, my world would be the happiest place on earth!
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No joke, it’s other humans that make life miserable. If I could do all this stuff alone, it would be so much better.
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I’m so glad you, your couch, and your pillow can become one in such an inspiring way. Just don’t let me see it. It might ruin my bitter mood.
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As long as other humans aren’t involved, things are so much better.
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