Recently I was talking to this older couple on the phone and the male said something, but then he started coughing so he had to hand off the phone to the female who started talking to me for a bit. Then she started sneezing, so she handed the phone back to the male so she could go sneeze. In the midst of all this, I was getting exhausted trying to keep up with this relay race they were having with me and I observed that this should have been some sort of Olympic event. Then all kinds of Olympic events came to mind that make me bitter and so, the Bitterlympics were born.
As the creator of the event, it is instrumental that I pick the location of the games very carefully. If your country wants to be picked, your country must do its best to have the most attractive locations, but more importantly the most attractive bribes for me.
As you know, it is a prestigious honor to be the host of the Bitterlympics as billions of people across the world will tune into your city for two weeks, and then just as quickly abandon it with 100’s of venues and 100’s of thousands of empty apartments for your city to go into debt over the next 100 years. But you, as the official briber of your country will profit, so make sure you get creative with your bribes and get them in early.
Now get some of your most finely tuned, fully “not at all enhanced” athletes (that we will totally look the other way on) and sign up for a few of the many events that your country can compete in.
Paperwork swimming – This event will discourage even the most optimistic athletes in the world. An overbearing boss will come to your desk with loads of paperwork and pile it on your desk. Your challenge will be to swim through the excessive amount of paperwork that I’ve been avoiding for years and complete it. In the meantime, more paperwork will be added along with TPS progress reports. The original athletes are still working on it, but hopefully someday soon we will have a gold medal winner!
Javelin Hearting – This huge challenge will pit the athletes with their lifelong crush. The contestants will finally get a little facetime with the crush they have been pining after for weeks, months, or even years. Flirtations will happen, a first and second date will ensue, and perhaps even a dreamy kiss at the door, and then, the crush will do what it does best. Crush the contestant with a javelin to the heart. The winner will be the one that uncurls from their ball of bitterness fastest and gets the least amount of revenge against their crush years later.
Bargain hunting – The athletes will be world class bargain hunters from the fields of grocery, outlets, thrifts stores, and mall shopping. The world’s best will be set loose in the world’s largest, stingiest and highest class retail store in the world, where they will compete to hunt down the one item on sale in the entire store.
100 Meter Fly – Each contestant will need to race to four laps back and forth to reach the 100 meter distance then hop out of the pool to obtain the best weapon against the annoying fly that is buzzing around the room. Find that rolled up newspaper or towel!
Party Diving – This event will be one of the most challenging yet! Introverts are driven to a party where they only know one person and that person is whisked away immediately for a meeting. Athletes are expected to dive right in and meet new people and are faced with the most challenging task yet! Small talk! How’s the weather? Who do you know? What is your favorite color? Who can survive the party the longest, before jumping out of the party for air?
Horsing around – This equestrian event takes the elite mannered of the world, ones raised on manners, proper etiquette, the finest children of the 1%er’s and puts them in a room full of shenanigans. The one that can remove the stick from their butt, becomes disowned and loses their trust fund fastest and has the most fun horsing around, will obtain the goldest of medals.
Weightlifting – These athletes are the strongest in the world. Able to leap the highest buildings, fly the highest in the sky and lift the most weight. But how are they at carrying the heavy burden of guilt? Athletes are given mothers that “just want them to come see me every once in a while”, and fathers that “want them to work in the family business, because it has been in the family for generations, even though you want to run off and work in some big city like Los Angeles to be an actor”. Will those with strong arms and back be able to handle to burden of expectations and guilt?
Will you be strong enough to survive the Bitterlympics? Will you triumph over expectations to win that gold medal and get that exclusive interview with Bob Costas? Will your country come through with the most Bitter Medals? Or will your optimism and positivity be your greatest downfall? Be a Bithlete or support your countries bitterness this summer on the Bitter Entertainment Network(the BEN)!
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitterlympics Ben
I think I’ll send someone on my behalf to the BitterOlympics!
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Not a bad idea. I don’t know if I would participate in some of these events.
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How about figure skating?
A friend, significant other, or coworker says, “Notice anything different?” or “How does this [insert article of clothing] make me look?”
Contestants offer a general opinion but the compliment seeker presses for more specificity.
The Contestant to go longest without angering the other person wins.
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That is an amazing idea. Fights would ensue, verbal jabs would happen, and passive aggressiveness would be at an all time high. Talk about good television.
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It’s like an episode of The Real Housewives with less flattering lighting!
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Let’s get this thing on TV!
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Seem to remember sofa surfing … your kinda sport, I’da thought.
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Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would be good at that. And definitely one for consideration for the Bitterlympics.
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I nominate Dubai as the permanent home. If their bribes are good enough for FIFA….
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I’m totally down with that. Everyone gets a Lamborghini! And we get to fly them out of windows! Like in Furious 7!
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How about adding the sport “Pro Crastinating” – then I could take part. And can I suggest a motto for your Bitterlympics? I was thinking “Slower. Lower. Weaker.”
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Those are all great ideas. Like I mentioned the ones that I gave were just a few of the events. I believe that Pro Crastinating would be an awesome event that I would excel at. And the motto is awesome.
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Oh. My. Goodness! Finally an event I’d be good at! 😀 SERIOUSLY good at! (apart maybe from the talking to new people – but if there’s a prize at stake and some alcohol involved, who knows what I’m capable of!). I’m digging this idea! Not hosting this in my country, though (kind of spoils the purpose of getting out of here), but will attend anywhere else. Paperwork swimming – brilliant!
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I know. I would be pretty good at most of these, except for the party. Kill me before you make me spend more than 10 minutes at a party with no one that I like.
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Only if you do the same for me.
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Okay maybe not kill each other, but maybe arrange for some major distraction while we escape?
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Sounds like a plan!
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I fucking love this blog.
I feel as though I have found my soulmate (that is if I didn’t already have a soulmate I was married to)
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How about we just be bitterblogsoulmates. Though the name doesn’t roll off the tongue it describes it pretty well.
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Love it.
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Sounds good. But mostly bitter.
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Ben, how do you expect me to remain bitter when you make me laugh so hard pop comes out my nose?
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Here is an idea. Get bitter about the thing that the post did. Soda through your nose? Sounds like a really good reason to be bitter.
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Thanks Ben. I didn’t think of that. I am so happy I can be bitter again.
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When it comes to bitter things, I am the idea master. It’s a good thing, because it is the only thing I’m good at.
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What happened to who could sit on the couch the longest? Eat the most junk food? Are you sure this is the Bitterlympics? Seems like an imposter.
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If you read the intro, it said these were just a few of the events…Who worries about those details though…Besides I win those events every year anyways.
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Don’t know, I just thought you might have paid homage to those that brought bitter laziness so I was bitterly disappointed. Also, you might want to look out this year. I hear my husband is competing.
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He is welcome to join the Bitterlympics, but he will probably lose because he at least likes to play the guitar while sitting on the couch.
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I’ve nominated your blog for the Liebster award. See the link below.
https://laughtermedicineforthesoul.wordpress.com/2016/01/19/nominated-for-the-liebster-award-3/
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Thanks. I’ll go check it out!
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i’m sitting this one out
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Perhaps you could at least support someone from your country that you don’t like?
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lmao
i might know of someone!
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If you don’t know someone like that, then you aren’t bitter enough. Good thing you are!
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:DDDDDDDD
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That is a lot of D’s. I guess I didn’t do that well on the quiz. Either that or you are smiling sideways. I can’t tell which.
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both ^^ reading your post was the highlight of my day!
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I wish it made my day. I just found out I have to move cubicles and it makes me bitter. Guess I know what my next post is about. ARRRGGGGHHH!
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sorry, homie 😥
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I know right?
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