It’s mid January, which means all your dreams of getting in shape have been dashed like the Death Star at the end of Star Wars (spoiler warning too late if you haven’t seen a movie that came out in 1977). Though I can find bitterness in even the most benign situations, other less bitter individuals such as everyone else that isn’t me, need broken goals or broken dreams in order to feel bitterness.
Most people need help getting in to that place. While I’m about the least helpful person I know, when it comes to helping people become bitter, let’s just say I’m pretty good at helping push people off a cliff.
You know how the latest fitness craze is those stupid watches that have a pedometer that count your steps so you know that you made it 10,000 steps in a day? Like the 10,000 steps is a magical amount that guarantees success in life? If that were true I would have been three times as successful in life in December 2013 when I was in Orlando, FL on a six-amusements-park-in-seven-days binge. When in fact, that was the least successful time in my life. I was suckered losing so many dollars by the evil Disney corporation, that the only change I got back was bitterness. And that was just the money for parking.
What I’m trying to get at is that I have a new device coming out called the Fit Bitterness. This device will get you to a place of bitterness WAY before January 15th. In fact, this device will pre-sabotage your goals of getting in shape and get you to bitterness way before you got there previously.
Since most of you will buy this Fit Bitterness for Christmas or for your December birthday, it will get you in bitter mode way before the new year. This device will do the same thing as a Fit Bit, but will enhance you laziness in other ways. It will discourage you from getting up from the couch. It will encourage you to order extra cheese on your extra cheese pizza. It will encourage you to find a job where sit down 90% of the day and move you into not moving 99% of the time(nobody’s perfect..ly bitter like me).
As you know, getting less fit is also greatly increased by stress. This watch will encourage you to get in messes you don’t normally get into. Talking to a boss or other authority figure you normally avoid. Going to a party where a crush is flirting with other people. It will even get you to watch the political debates. It will get you to care about your social media, and even get you to watch the Kardashians show where they complain about losing an earring in the ocean and wanting you to feel sorry for them.
Now that you are properly hyped about all the features, and are unable to think about anything else until you can get your hands on one, here is your chance to pre-order one. All you have to do is send me $19.99 and pay the shipping and handling of $10,000(hey, shipping has gone up a tad in the last few days) to get it to you by December 24, 2020. Start your stress today!
ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Fit Bitterness Ben
I loved this! You are one refreshing read! 🙂 my Monday morning guilty pleasure
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I’ve gotta say that this is the first time I’ve ever heard refreshing. And might I say that I love to read yours when I have time to enjoy. They are so in depth and well thought out that I don’t just like to breeze through yours. 🙂
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Thank you so much! The feelings are completely mutual! You rock ❤
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Nah, I’d rather get fitter, not bitter. 🙂 Hence why I’ve never ever watched a Kardashian on any show. Why are they a thing anyway? Are they the new Hiltons?
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They are the Hiltons but even worse. You should see the amazing lengths these girls go to the be less aware of the good influence they could be, and how stupid they are.
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Oh boy — my motivation to watch them just went from 0 to -12. You’re good. 😉
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I think the only reason you would watch them is if the remote control was lost and it was stuck on that channel and you were stuck to your couch. Even then, I think your eyes would rather sleep than watch them.
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Holy crap that is so funny, and clever! …Fit BITterness 😀 I think I need one of those.
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And I need to make one. I have all these great ideas, but none of the expertise to make them. I need a manufacturing facility.
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Lately I really have this odd feeling that you are trying to get money out of me!! Do you really think this will take me to new levels of bitterness? Is there satisfaction guaranteed?
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I’ve been trying to get money out of people since the beginning of my blog. What do you think, giving all these people blogs for free is making me any money? Time to start charging all you people money for all the free entertainment to the crazy show. And yeah I guarantee bitterness or no money back!
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If you’d wanted to make money blogging why didn’t you start a counterfeiting forum?
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I’m open to all ideas. Or I could just start a lottery in which people buy tickets from me and only one person wins. Sounds pretty legal to me.
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I’m really glad about your bitterness or no money back policy. It almost, like, ensures bitterness!
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Plus it means less transactions. Cause who has time to mail money back and forth, when we could be sitting on our couches.
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Just thinking about having to watch political debates stressed me out. I don’t even own a Fit Bitterness yet and it’s working!
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Yep, all that rhetoric(or whatever that means) and make me bitter. And debates make me barking mad.
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Fit Bitterness. Nicely played, Ben.
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You can’t tell me that you wouldn’t want something there to demotivate you….
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Oh Ben, if only such devices were necessary.
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For those days you just need someone else to demotivate you.
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That’s true. I can’t always be expected to do everything myself.
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Everyone needs a little bitterness help(except me).
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I have to wait until 2020 to get bitter? What if I want to get bitter before then?
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Well, this will just prepare you for the bitterness, by having to impatiently waiting.
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Ah! Excellent marketing tactic!
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And yes, somehow, no one is falling for them. Chalk up another chalkmark for bitterness!
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Getting in shape? Nah… I think I’ll stick with the pizza (and yes! Pizza Hut have got the extra grease factor, haven’t they?)
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Oh yes do they ever. They also have that flavor thing that Dominoes lacks. Except when I was in college. For some reason it tasted so much better there. But that could have been because I was so hungry all the time.
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