First of all, to those that read that garbage that was on this blog yesterday, that was just inexcusable. I blame someone else, as per usual. The dog ate my homework, the cat wouldn’t stop shedding all over, the hamster wouldn’t stop running in circles…is what I would say if I had any of those things. What really happened was some monkey’s hacked my WordPress account and decided to give up halfway through the post. Actually, it was the sitcom writers over at CBS. Regardless, if you read yesterday, you deserve you money back. So write CBS for that.
Now, on to the bitterness at hand. As you know the Golden Globes were last night and it got me thinking. If I were a movie, what kind would I be? I would not be not be a romantic comedy. I’m not romantic, I’m not attractive, I don’t walk around the city drinking coffee staring wistfully at leaves, and I don’t live in New York or LA. I absotively, posolutely, despise writing cliche dialogue. Any time I catch myself saying or writing that kind of stuff, I punch myself in the knee (you thought I was gonna say face, right?)
The most important reason why I can’t be a romantic comedy, is because people in those movies talk in paragraphs. I speak one liners.
So I’ve decided that I am an action movie.
I’m sure you are laughing uncontrollably right now, imagining me stumbling around the world, trying to kill terrorists with eye patches, and evil bitter smirks. You are probably laughing when you imagine me trying to diffuse a bomb, with my sticky fingers after eating too many glazed doughnuts. Or being confident in the one on one battle of wits in my face to face meeting with the villain. Action seems to be in complete contrast of my personality. But I’m not talking about being the Ethan Hunt guy, or even the Benji of Mission Impossible. I would be the assistant security guy that guards the doors at the CIA. I wouldn’t be the James Bond guy, or the even the Q, I’d be the guy that gets coffee for the guy that gets Q coffee.
When I say I’m the one liner guy, I mean just ONE line. Also when I said I can’t write cliche dialogue? That polar opposite happens when I actually talk out loud. I would be the guy at the front desk that says, “The boss will see you now.” except I would try to make a joke out of it and say, “Would you like coffee, tea, or punch?” and they would say, “Punch?” and I’d be like okay, “Here’s your punch!” and punch them in the knee. Of course, they would knock me out immediately.(Alright, maybe the two liner guy. Sometimes these things take a little time to set up.)
Other lines I would deliver:
As the guy in the car waiting in traffic because there was a 30 minute car chase that destroyed every other car and most of downtown. “Do you think I could save 15% or more on my car insurance by switching to Geico?” to no one in particular.
As the guy in the building that was destroyed by alien robots flying through the building, “Man, rent has gone through the roof this month,” to no one in particular.
As the guy who was is getting a bagel at the bagel store, that is getting ripped to shreds by two guys fighting. “Does anyone know if the buy 12 bagels, get a free one is still going on?” to no one in particular.
As a guy in a subway car that just got derailed and saved by a guy dressed in a Spiderman costume. “This subway system is almost as bad at the sub I had at Subway last night,” to no one in particular.
As a guy at the Christmas party at Nakatomi Plaza finding out that their boss was just taken hostage. “Does this mean we aren’t getting our Christmas bonuses this year?” to no one in particular.
A guy that is part of a club of people that fight a lot to someone at work the next day. “Dude, I gotta tell you about this Fight Club I was at last night!” to someone in particular.
Actually, it would probably be better if I was the bitter guy in a disaster movie. Otherwise known as my life.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Guy and a Movie Ben
The bitter guy in a disaster movie? How terribly romantic.
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Every disaster movie needs a bitter guy.
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Every single one of these lines would be my favorite line of the whole movie.
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It is nice to know there are pun appreciators out there like me.
So what I should do is combine all those lines and you would pay to watch the movie?
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YES DO THAT I LIKE THIS PLAN. Just a bunch of random terrible things happening while some dude idly passes by and makes puns out of them.
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That would make for a compelling movie. A movie about a guy that is involved in disasters all around the globe, except he’s just a normal dude that reacts selfishly instead thinking about the global disaster of it all.
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well, #2: that’z rite.
and
perhaps (purrr?haps!) i should hire those monkeez. i’d do better than
without them.
i do, do a sort of fight club by the weigh. but there’s hockey goalie gear, and the one night a week i can drink a lotta beer and my wife is not supposed to complain. as much.
as
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Well, I guess it can’t be a fight club now that you talked about it, but you could call it hockey night or just an excuse to get out with the guys.
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THIS FITE KLUB you can talk about. and i’m out with some guise, but its the laydeez who’re more mean to me than the others …
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Yeah I take quite a beating from the ladies at home.
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Reading between the lines, I detect a desire for more human (and funnier) storylines. But when the actors are pretty zombies and the CGI guy is cheaper to pay …
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At least stories that don’t have the same tired premises. With the same old lines.
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I would totally be the unattractive, rather fluffy but hilariously awkward cousin of a friend of a friend of the main character’s sidekick, who is seen exceedingly rarely but provides delightful moments of awesomeness. I’d be all full of witty weirdness and roll my eyes a lot. Or maybe I’d just be the weird chick who always seems to be reading a book, regardless of the situation. Bombs exploding, buildings falling, people running and screaming…and there I am, reading away. If it was a horror movie though, I would totally be the strange chick that ends up getting super annoyed with the stupidity of the dolts around her and decides to help the killer/psycho/monster catch the morons because they totally deserve to killed/tortured/eaten for being so stupid.
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Sounds like you know your way around the cinema. I would totally be one of those people that were annoyed by buildings falling around because it messed up my place, more than the urgency of the world ending.
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It is conforting to know that at least one person is drawing the line and doing his part to halt the proliferation of romantic comedies.
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You bitter believe I am. Action movies!!!
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Seriously a fantastic post! And it has me wanting to figure out what kind of movie I would be. I have to admit I have totally walked around the city with a coffee in my hand, wistfully looking at leaves… More than once. But I usually follow it up with a bitter disdain for the couples who dress alike and finish each other’s sentences while skipping along in merriment in front of me.. So maybe I’m not quite the romantic comedy.
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So maybe you are a romantic comedy with a little bit of an edge.
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i was going to say (write) “i don’t know why, but” — but i DO KNOW WHY your response there reminded me of when i’m in a running race or sometimes just running and there are people also running and talking AND LAUGHING. i didn’t used to, but i hate them.
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Another entertaining post, Ben. Thank you! Are you a Star Wars fan? You must have hated the dialogue in the first three movies. I still cringe when I picture Natalie Portman on the balcony, brushing her curly hair (which curly-haired people don’t do) and simpering about something to young Anakin. It was deity-awful.
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I’m not a huge Star Wars fan, but enjoyed the latest one. And I’ve seen the prequels and the dialogue was pretty bad. As are most CBS shows.
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I’ve noticed your movie seems to be full of product placement. How Hollywood of you. Also, it sounds like if you were in a real movie, you’d be the margarita guy in Jurassic World.
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You better believe there would be product placement. I’m all about annoying people for no reason and making money on the side is a side benefit. I haven’t seen Jurassic World, which is sad because we bought my son that movie for Christmas.
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I’m sorry if I ruined the margarita guy moment for you. I didn’t notice it when I watched it, so I guess it’s not a huge spoiler.
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I assume he is just a guy making bitter comments and gets eaten soon after. Not a big deal. I’m sure the mythology won’t be ruined if I know about that part of Jurassic World. 🙂
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Dinosaurs are trying to eat him and he runs away, but grabs his margarita first. It’s kind of comical. I do feel you’d add a special bitterness to the performance that would top that guy.
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I will do my best to top that guy which won’t be hard considering the lifetime of experience with bitterness.
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I’m pretty sure I would be a slapstick comedy, because the shit that happens to me is seriously ridiculous. I’d always be the asshole stepping in dog shit or getting soaked with a fire hose or some other asinine stunt. otherwise know as MY life. Sigh.
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So it would be more entertaining for other people? Sounds good to me.
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I’m a sequel. No matter how bad I am, I just keep coming back for more.
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So would you say that you also make more money than the original?
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Probably the first time. After that, I’d be released straight to DVD or Netflix.
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Though Netflix isn’t a bad option. I think more people watch Netflix than TV and movies these days.
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I’m one of them. We don’t have cable. We have Netflix and Hulu.
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You are pretty smart, because cable is so freaking expensive and useless. I need to do the Hulu/Netflix thing.
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Yeah…..the only downside is that I can’t watch the awards shows (Golden Globes or Oscars) live or major sporting events such as the Super Bowl. But otherwise it works out well.
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Not that any of those things are worth it. If there is anything really worth it on the Golden Globes, I’d feel worse for you.
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I just remember missing out on Ellen DeGeneres hosting the Oscars. I would have loved to have seen that. But then…..I have an unusual fascination with Ellen…..
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What? You do not…I bet the whole thing is available the next day on YouTube on the NBC app or something.
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Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?
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Um, that might work for people our age, but the kids these days have no idea what you are talking about.
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What?? I tell my son all the time that that was his first words.
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Was he raised by a butler in a mansion?
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Are you saying he’s Batman?
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If Batman prefers Grey Poupon I guess.
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Of course he does.
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Only because they are out of French’s at the store.
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“kids theez daze” –> Betty was over at the college with the swim team (collegiate) and remarked about David Bowie and they (all of them) had no idea who or what she was talking about. emphasis on daze …
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Lol! If you had a bit part in your life film, I’m afraid you’d just be too hilarious to ignore. A revolution would happen. It would be like Figwit from Lord of the Rings, but action movie style and with fewer elves (but maybe a few hobbits please?) And then you’d end up an internet sensation and eventually get your own strange musical comedy show.
Which I would watch religiously.
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Yeah, so if I had a strange musical comedy on TV, I would have one loyal fan? Time to take out my life savings and make this thing!
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Ahhh, those are the cutest monkeys ever.
“I don’t walk around the city drinking coffee staring wistfully at leaves.” Oh. I do. I think you’ve just explained my entire life in a nut shell. I pretty much just drink coffee and stare wistfully at leaves. 😉
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Then I believe you would be a romantic comedy. Do birds also land on your shoulder and sing?
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Well mostly birds just crap on me, but I did have a crow land on my head once.
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I guess the little bitter birds follow you around. I’m surprised hawks aren’t trying to follow me, considering how hawkward I am.
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Haha, one liner guy. That’s me but in chick form.
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Our movies would make a ton of money.
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We could be at the Golden Globes in no time…
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Yep, and Ricky Gervais could be roasting us like all the other big stars.
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