The Bitter Receiver

/ bensbitterblog
I will stare wistfully up at the sky for you.

I will stare wistfully up at the sky(or become part of the clouds) for you.

I’ve been reading the Giver with my daughter because it is required reading. If you haven’t read it yet, then you need to go back to junior high again because you missed the required reading. Have fun with that by the way, the girls in your 7th grade math class are the cliquiest and they hate your hair.  So just get in there, read the book really quick and get back out before your popularity plummets to its all time low.  When you are done you can come back and we chat about the book, and how you need to get a haircut…soon.

So the book is about this lame Community that expects everyone do stuff and be productive by the time they are 12.  Like really? Who wants a lifetime job by 12, when you should be playing video games and railing against society on Twitter? Anyways, this community has this really important job called the Receiver that no one really knows what they do.   It’s basically their job to not let dangerous information get out to people like having a choice what they want to do and feelings and color.  When the kid takes over, he is given the knowledge about stuff from the Giver.

So I decided that I would volunteer myself as the World’s Bitter Receiver. You probably have bitter feelings toward someone or something and either can’t admit it, or don’t want to show it and I, on the other hand, have a need to be more bitter.  So I will the bitter absorber or receiver all your bitter feelings.

I will take all the bitter feelings you have buried deep in the roots and be your Groot.

I will take all the bitter feelings you have buried deep in the roots and be your Groot.

Before you get all skeptical on me, just know that I’m uniquely qualified for this. I’ve always been a great receiver. When I was in elementary school is was dopest, bombest, wide receiver ever to have graced the 3rd grade that year.  Many thought it was my slickery coat that made them not able to tackle me, but really it was amazing ability to not want to be near other people that made me almost untackleable.

So, if you got a really bad gift and don’t want the giver to know how bitter you are about it, send your bitterness my way.

If you have been wronged by an old enemy, don’t plot out your revenge. Let me take the bitterness and I will be able to plot a much greater revenge for you.

If you were the next in line for the millionth customer contest that would have given you the million dollars, send that bitterness my way.  As an expert of bitterness, I will easily be able to take that off your hands.

I’m available for anything from your first girl crush gone awry to being left at the alter on live TV in front of millions (get my number on speed dial, Chris Harrison) .

Anything from losing that first penny from your piggybank, to losing your winning lottery ticket to your bitterest rival on the way to the lottery office.

Did you get fired by your partner at the lemonade stand? Not as sweet a job as you were expecting?

Did you get fired by your partner at the lemonade stand? Not as sweet a job as you were expecting?

Anything from getting fired by your lemonade stand partner to losing your dream job as bed tester for hotels because someone sleeps better than you.

Anything from skinning your knee, to getting struck by a meteor on the way to Hawaii.

I’m also available for taking blame.  If you want an excuse for not getting a job done, blame me.  Think you studied really hard and missed the cutoff by one question?  Forget to take out the trash, or do the dishes, or lose a valuable ring down the drain? Already given up on your New Year’s Resolutions? Don’t rail your fists against the sky and blame the universe, be more specific and blame Bitter Ben.

Let’s just say this works out for all of us. You finally get to make excuses and I get your bitterness.

So what bitterness do you have that I can receive from you?

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter Receiver Ben

38 thoughts on “The Bitter Receiver”

  1. I’ve got a lot of bitterness that comes from customer service, and also for people who can’t follow directions, even after you’ve given them both written and photo instructions. I’m also bitter that today isn’t Friday.

    On a positive note, I’ve already read The Giver, and it wasn’t even for required reading. So I won’t have to go back to junior high (thank goodnes!).

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  3. I ❤ that book! Sorry, but I can't muster up any bitter feelings to send your way. I hate blaming people for things. I'd rather blame it on The Rain, or blame it on the Bossa Nova. I guess I could blame you for this sudden urge I have to go read some Orwellian fiction.

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  4. I am currently, and often, bitter at Apple. At least once a month, Apple decides to dump a deluge of my daughter’s crap music into my iPhone. It happened this morning on the way too work. I was suddenly jamming to One Direction or whatever they are called. I pulled over to delete the offending music intruders, but after fifteen minutes of deleting, I had only made it halfway through the B’s.

    Consequently, I am bitter at everyone that I tell my story to, who then replies, “Oh, you just need to go into your settings and blah blah blah blah.” There is no JUST when it comes to me going into the settings of an electrical devise. The last time I went poking around in an Apple device, I locked myself out of it.

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    • Apple was a bitter part of 2015 for me this year. I bought one of their supercomputers only two years ago and it’s motherboard went out, which is pretty much the most expensive part and it caused me much bitterness that an expensive computer shouldn’t do.

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  5. My internet and cable provider. They charge me every month—sometimes in advance—and their service is crappy. Always going out at the least opportune moment—there is no such thing—and still charging me full price with no compensation for the down time. Now they want to raise their prices, because it’s the start of the year and they wish to increase their profit margin. Ben, as you are now uniquely qualified for my anger, please act as a sponge and receive my bitterness.

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  6. Holy Crap, my son and I are currently reading this (Jonas just learned the color red). But he’s in 4th grade, so may I raincheck my bitterness and give it to you when he’s in 7th grade and we have to read it again?

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    • It sounds like what I need to do is write a book that is required reading for school, then they are forced to read my book and every school in America needs to buy it. Then I don’t every have to write another book!

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  7. Hehe… What have I been missing here? Surely from now one when I have time, this will be one of my first destinations to lift my mood. To be bitter and joyful, I can think of no better thing.

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  8. How about a, in my opinion, worthless for human beingship wacko on facebook who calls himself my “personal Troll” sends me hundreds of pictures of mutilated cats, obscene tattos, and cartoons, till everyone blocks me, tells me he has my personal bank account numbers, and e-mail account, steals my articles from the draft section of my blog so that I have to write on a different machine….maybe you shouldn’t take the blame for this one. Sorry. just letting off steam, after a year of nutso. Any suggestions would definitely be a help, though. Ps have you heard of the native American practice of shamans as pain receivers? PPS I admire you. I can’t even begin to think how to discuss this with twelve year olds. Kids should learn what happiness is before they get hit with heavy life. That’s what parents are for, imho.

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  11. I’m bitter that I’ve effectively wasted 20 mins on the bloody phone to a bastard insurance company to claim for our broken tv – to be told I’ll have to pay the first £100 to claim for a crappy £300 tv – insurance is a waste of bastard time – all thieving bastards 😨

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