All I want for Christmas…

/ bensbitterblog

 

 

And other stuff.

And other stuff.

When someone tries to teach me something, they need to bring visual aids.  If it is math, I need some story problems.  If it is science, I need a telescope. If it is a restaurant you are trying to convince me to go to, bring me a pizza from there.  You can’t ask me to spell something out loud, I need a word processor to spell something wrong for you.  As sad as it is for someone who writes for words for a bottom 100 blog, I need to see something to learn it.  In other words, I  am a visual learner.

The same concept applies for my wish for Christmas.  All I want for Christmas…isn’t You.  All I want for Christmas…isn’t my two front teeth.  All I want for Christmas…isn’t peace on earth.  All I want for Christmas…isn’t goodwill toward men.  All I want for Christmas…well, isn’t all I want for Christmas.  I don’t just want One thing.  And don’t try to sell me on the fact that you ONLY want one thing, either.  It just isn’t true.  You say that with your lips, but your head and heart are saying way more things.  Yes, I said it.  Now get over your holy self and listen to what I want for Christmas.  Not just one thing.

All I want for Christmas is… family…to leave me alone while I am testing all my gadgets.  If I get a video game(WHEN I get a video game), give me a day or two on the couch to test it out. So I can determine if(that) I will continue to spend days on the couch playing it.

All I want for Christmas is…Peace on Earth…or at least peace out when I’m ready to leave the particular part of the earth that your house is on that is hosting the party.  When I make the move to leave a party, let me take that step towards the door untethered. I promise I won’t consider it rude if you don’t walk me out.

...and the rest of them so I can eat my way through Christmas.

…and the rest of them so I can eat my way through Christmas.

All I want I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.  And all the rest of my teeth to be allowed to chow down on all the food that will make me sick without being guilted into going a gym in January.  If I want eat just a little more of that mystery dip, just say, “Go for it! Just make sure you take a swig of your Pepto with it, so I will go down easier!”

All I want for Christmas is…for it to snow on Christmas.  And by Christmas, I mean the week of Christmas, so I can pretend I didn’t grow up in South Dakota learning how to drive in snow before most other people even got their driver’s licences. Learning how to drift not on the mean streets of Tokyo, but the snow and ice packed streets of South Dakota.  Vin may beat me on a straightaway, and Lucas may beat me on a windy road in Japan, but neither one of them could take me up a steep ice and snow packed hill with a stick shift and rear wheel drive.  But I don’t want anyone at to know that, because when it snows, I want to be able to park it. (Not the car, but me on the couch.)

My LazyBen Recliner.

My LazyBen Recliner.

All I want for Christmas is you…to get me a new hard drive, a new computer, 5 new video games, an upgrade on my phone, a partridge to get out of my pear tree, and a LazyBen recliner. Oh and a nap.

All I want for Christmas is Goodwill…to start accepting things like the old sofa that I hope to be throwing out for my new one.  For them to accept my lowball offer for the original Van Gogh painting.  And I want Goodwill toward men, but mostly this man when it comes to allowing me early access when the Original Declaration of Independence comes in.

Alright, I guess you did convince me that you can want those things for Christmas.  Now can someone pass me the remote control for Chestnuts roasting on the open fire? They are starting to get a little charred.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Peace on Earth Ben

32 thoughts on “All I want for Christmas…”

  1. Midas loved money a lot, but it just got him yellow. Jaundice is a disease and so is money. Greed exits and is on the dark side of Darth Vader. P.S. who does his cleaning. I mean Black all the time is he really Johnny Cash.

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  2. Money!? Stuff!? So materialistic. 😛 And all I had for you was a few dozen homemade cookies and an all-meat pizza with a meat-stuffed crust. But geez, I guess I’ll just have to give it to my coworkers or something lame like that, instead.

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  3. All I want for Christmas is You-slessness. Because I’m learning to set my bitter expectations lower. And this is something I already see around me every day, so I know I will get it for Christmas, too.

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