Friends, Family and other Bitter People I know:
This year was so exciting, I almost forgot to send out my Christmas Letter. I know you guys aren’t my family, but you ignore me just as much as my family does, so I consider you just like them. I couldn’t afford postage to send this to you, so I’m just going write this and hope that you and my family realize I’m not sending it to you.
On Tuesday, January 8th, while laying on the couch, I noticed a speck of dust on the ceiling. I tried to swipe it off for my dust collection, but it got lost in the carpet. I officially gave up on the year 2015.
On February 17th, I started chewing a piece of gum. It lasted a few minutes, then it wasn’t so sweet so I spit it out.
The gum got stale.
On March 14th, I realized that this day suucked, so to spice it up, I went to get some Cheetos out of the vending machine, but they were out.
On April 6th, one of my Christmas lights went out, so I finally decided to take them down, but the tape was to strong, so I just left them there.
On May 13th, one of my pens ran out of ink. I went to the storage room and got another pen.
I hate when they run out so quickly.
On June 9th, the sun appeared for the first time of the year, so of course I had to complain that it got in my eyes.
On July 15th, I saw a raccoon. On July 16th, I saw the same one, but this time he(she?) wasn’t moving.
On August 24th, I had a soda. It gave me a stomach ache and heart burn. Just like it had done for the last 42 years. On a completely unrelated note, someone told me, “Someday you will learn.”
On September 3rd, I was at Target and looked through the video game section. All of the games sucked, so I didn’t buy one.
On October 31st, it was raining outside. I thought I saw a ghost. Some strange kid came to my door and asked if I could play a trick on them. I couldn’t think of one, so I told him maybe another time…not.
On November 27th, I got a hole in my sock, so I went to Wal-Mart at midnight. A bunch of people were waiting in line there. I guess a lot of people got holes in their socks too, so I decided to leave. On the way out, I found a penny in the parking lot. Bunch of suckers missed out on a penny, even though a haypenny would have done just fine.
On December 18th, I was at the movie theater to see the Chipmunks Road Chip with my kids. I was amazed that so many people dressed up like Star Wars characters to see a Chipmunks movie.
People dressed up just like this for the Chipmunks movie.
And those were just the Blockbuster VHS Moments. There were other things that happened too, but I don’t want you to get so overly excited that you have a heart attack. Maybe just a bit of slight heart burn for the holidays though. Have a Bitter Christmas and an even the Bitterer New Year.
ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Christmas Letter Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I’m glad I didn’t send you a Christmas letter. My life just can’t compare with yours.
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I know. I hate to brag about how interesting my life is, but you know there were the few dull moments that I didn’t chronicle throughout the year.
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Don’t forget about that time you were trying to research pizza flavors at the office and your chatty coworkers kept talking at you, so you were forced to finally embrace your inner Dullbert.
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Ah yes, that was a pretty exciting moment that I forgot to mention. There was that other time when someone came to me to ask how they ordered pizza online, and I said, “You go to Pizzahut.com and follow the instructions.” I was flabbergasted that this person made more money than me. But that was a few years ago, so I couldn’t include it on this year’s newsletter.
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Ha. Sort of like how the first instruction on the Pop Tarts box is “remove pastry from pouch”… Oh really? I’m not supposed to eat the packaging???
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Honestly I think she would have asked me about that. That’s how Clueless she was.
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I wish my life had as much excitement as yours. All I do is use technology that wasn’t available 30 years ago to contact people across the world immediately. A few seconds to send a text? I know it’s faster than a letter, but come on!
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Yeah, I still teeter toward writing things down with my hands instead of typing a text, but it is a pretty lost art.
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Gum AND soda? Sounds like a good year.
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It would have been if the gum hadn’t gone bitter so quickly and the soda wasn’t a diet.
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Wow…my heart is still pounding from all the tension. What a fast-paced, unpredictable life you live! You should totally sell the movie rights.
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I think they were hoping to adapt it to a movie, but they just couldn’t afford the budget. They are looking to pitch a multiple studio collaboration to get it made.
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I wonder who they’d get to play the starring role?
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Whoever the bitterest person in Hollywood is.
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Bill Murray it is. 😉
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It would be an honor to have him play me.
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Life can be dull and insipid, trite and banal. I just used up all the adjectives that I have in my arsenal. Bitter sweet, yes.
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I think Bitter is the one that explains it the best for me.
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I was shocked to learn that Dave is Alvin’s father!
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Especially when Alvin is a chipmunk and Dave is from the Dark Side.
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Sounds like a productive year!
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It was certainly exhausting. I pretty much have no idea how I survived such excitement.
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I think you should take a vacation!
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Thankfully I have one scheduled for after Christmas.
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Wow, you should write an autobiography! You mean you actually went to get another pen?? No…. Did you have to get off the couch?
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If I ever find a pen that was worthy like the one that exploded on me, I might start penning my autobiography.
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Isn’t that what you are doing in your blog?
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Pretty much. So I guess I’m typing it. Good thing people don’t mind a little embellishment in their autobiographies.
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I figure if not it would be too boring. “I sat on the couch playing video games again today…”
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You have no idea how many video game playing guys and girls would find that such a compelling read.
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Okay, well, you can publish it…but I’ll have you know…it’s against my better judgement!
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I will publish it, but thankfully you don’t have to buy it. Cause it would bore you too much to watch a person sit on a couch doing anything.
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I could sit on a couch and do nothing except watch you sitting on a couch doing nothing. Would that be couch-ception?
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Thought would be Bitterception.
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thanks Ben, for the year in review. I’d put one together, but it would be depressing and I’m already depressed, what with the sun going down at 4:45 and having to wait 23 minutes at Target to buy toilet paper. Carols get on my last nerve, too (songs, not the ladies). I wrote a bit about it. Feels good to get it out. Wishing you tolerable holidays, Jennifer
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Well it was an action packed year. Doesn’t even compete with this month where I had a mosquito buzzing around my ear, and it just kept bugging me. The holidays right?
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Bitter over boredom? No need. Excitement is overrated.
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I almost couldn’t handle how much excitement there was this year. I pretty much need a year off just to recuperate.
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i vaguely remember when everyone used VHS tapes. couldn’t have imagined YouTube to be a thing. 😁
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I just saw one at my brother-in-law’s house and almost wanted to dust it off and see if still worked.
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lol
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They are just so rare these days.
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still got my lion king vhs, will probably never sell it! 😊 if i could find it first, haha.
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I think we still have a few tapes, but no VCR to watch them with. I assume there are some relics around somewhere.
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That was the best Christmas letter I’ve ever read. I wouldn’t mind receiving them if they were more like yours. I hope 2016 is an equally riveting year for you. May your raccoons be more filled with life next year.
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I know. My wife thought it was odd that I could write this one, but couldn’t do our family one. 2016 seems like it will be even more bitter.
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No no that makes perfect sense. Every time I attempt to write something ‘serious’, a joke comes out and interrupts the gravity of the subject. Time spent working on sarcasm makes sarcasm apparent in everything I do.
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Yeah, sarcasm pretty much comes out of everything I say and do. Even I have a hard time remembering when I’m being serious and when the sarcasm ends.
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