Taking over the World

/ bensbitterblog
My inspiration for taking over the world. A bunch of lab rats.

My inspiration for taking over the world. A bunch of lab rats.

It was 1998 when I knew I wanted to take over the world.  Pinky and the Brain inspired it. (If a couple of lab rats can almost do it, I certainly could with my human like size.) My best friend from college and I always talked about it and planned it.  We would start slowly with him taking over California, and me Washington, then slowly expanding east. I always thought back then that if I could purchase a website and sell stuff (my plan was to sell my sarcastic newsletter and offer that service to you or your company) I could make tons of money.  Back in the .com boom, all the big .com’s were creating websites, then selling them for millions or whatever, so I thought, if I only had a life changing idea right then, I would be a billionaire right now and I would have been pretty close to taking over the world.

Now I’m not so sure I want to.  As you know, I’m pretty lazy and it just seems like a lot of work to enslave human kind. I guess if there was a remote control that I could use to make people do my bidding (like get me a pizza), I might want to be in charge, but knowing me, I would probably lose the remote control in the couch cushions and be too lazy to find it, and someone else would take over.

This guy in charge of the fish. Really?

This guy in charge of the fish. Really?

There would be other problems that I wouldn’t want to take on either. Like, how would I get all the animals to listen to me too? Would I have to create the world biggest leash? Would I have to remote control Aquaman into taking care of the fish, and Jungle Book Kid or Tarzan those guys to speak to animals to tell them to keep it down and stop infecting me with venom(figurative and literal), and what then? Do I have a crew of people to clean up after all the animals?

And even worse than the animals, what about all the humans I would be in charge of?  I assume as the Bitter Leader of the world, I’m going to have to talk to these people. But they are just so annoying.  I’ve been trying my whole life to avoid humans, and once I take over, now I have to talk to them on a daily basis? That seems more like a job than what I do now.   I would have to deal with ever confusing question of “Which lackey’s do I trust? Which servant is going to stab me in the back? Which dunderhead is going to spoil the ending of The Force Awakens for me, or accidentally walk in front of the TV all the time or tell me the score of the game when I haven’t watched it yet? Or burn my pizza?” I just have no time or energy to figure out punishments or revenge plots.  It is just so confusing to have to be in charge of all that. Freaking humans.

Hey Kid, down in front!

Hey Kid, down in front!

Then there is the money issue.  So when I do a picture for Bitter Ben Bucks, do I just take a selfie? No, because the rule is guys don’t take selfies (though I could change that if I was in charge, but really, people are right. We shouldn’t.).  So then do I get my money pictures done by the same people that do senior photos?  And what kind of bills do I have? Is inflation making BBB’s worthless or does it cost $10 to make a one Bitter Bill? Do I want coins? And where do I store my money? In a bank or in a Scrooge McDuck vault? And if I do store it in a vault, will I remember my locker combination?

And if I’m in charge, what about the food? Will Pizza Hut deliver to the third floor of my mansion, or will I be just out of their delivery area (the second floor is in our area, sir, but I’m afraid your third floor is not). And how many Bitter Bucks will it take to destroy the Kale plantations so we never have to think about that stuff ever again?

How about the energy crisis? Not my energy crisis, but the power.  Will I have to get up from my couch to call the Power Company when my TV and video game usage is causing outages across the world? And why is the Energy Department taking so long? Ugggh. It is so boring hitting my remote control and the TV not working, and the lights not going on, and my phone having to use data instead of Wi-fi. Can they just hurry up, cause my marathons aren’t going to watch themselves.

The lights are out again?

The lights are out again? We barely have any on! 

And the holidays? How do I make sure there are sufficient amount of holidays to celebrate my greatness, but also enough work days to get all my work done for me? It seems like a mathematical formula that I don’t have the time right now or ever to solve.  And can they just show a picture of me on TV pretending that I care, because I don’t want any parties at my house.  That would require me having to talk to people.

Taking over the world might sound magical to you, but for me, it would be just be a nightmare of too much work and not enough me time and that just makes me bitter. So if it is all the same to you, I think I will let others ruin this world for you instead of me. I’ve got some video games to play, so I’m sorry, but I won’t be taking over your world.

ARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Ruler Ben

48 thoughts on “Taking over the World”

  1. If you can get passed the perpetually stoned but heavily armed Coloradans, I give you and your friend a fifty – fifty shot.

    Personally I would ignore the Southeast and just build an industrial sized moat. Lmfao.

    Then, trade them food for trips to Disney and Spring Break packages.

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  5. PINKY AND THE BRAIN YES!! That is what originally got me thinking about taking over the world. I mean of course I had thought about it before, but they really created the words to tie my thoughts together.

    And obviously you would want to store your money in coins in a Scrooge-type vault! Or at the very least exchange all your money for treasures and hoard it away like Smaug!

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  6. Just reading all the hassles of world domination wore me out. Don’t put my face on the cover of Rolling Stone either. But if you want to assign Ronda Rousey as my personal bodyguard, that would be okay.

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    • You wouldn’t believe how worn out I was just writing about it. Yeah, no covers of magazines either cause that would wear me out too. I guess Ronda Rousey would be a good bodyguard unless Holly Holm comes after you.

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  7. What if a party of concerned citizens came to you on your couch and pleaded with you to change your mind about not taking over the world because you were the only one could save them from chaos and old night, huh?

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  8. The only question I had when I watched this was why was I watching this and if they did conquer the world what would they do with it. I grew up in an age when we thought we would change the world for the better but the world knows better and it changed us and not visa versa. Mother Nature is a mother and Father Time is a time clock gone agog. What is a second asks the minute?

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  12. Your college best friend must not have been that great, if he didn’t live up to his part of the world-domination deal. All your bitterness can be traced back to those days.

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    • My college best friend was the best. He never gave up on his dream while I just got bitter. And what is funny is that I see pictures of me back then, and I had a pretty bitter face and disposition. Remember how bitter I was toward many girls you and Marvel dated?

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  13. Don’t give up on taking over the world yet. How about you just move to Utah and we’ll start together from here?

    Merry Christmas, love you, bye.

    Aaron

    ________________________________

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  14. I’d almost forgotten about Pinky and the Brain, and their nefarious designs on taking over our world. And I know a little about selfies too. I tried it once, but it didn’t come out quite the way I’d hoped.. So, I’ve been having my wife take all my selfies since, and it has done precious little to improve on my image, let me tell you. I may have to seek out a professional selfie taker in the future, if I ever decide to go into the business of creating my own money. But, admittedly this a small problem compared to the task you were thinking about taking on to take on—that of running the world. I must point out, that many have attempted this in the past. Napoleon, Hitler, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and God just to name a few—plus one. And all of them have been met with many of the same issues you’ve mentioned. But, I believe these are all problems that can be fixed. Except the Pizza Hut delivery problem. There are just some complications not destined for a satisfying resolution, and pizza delivery ranks right up there. Still, I hope you’ll reconsider and throw caution to the wind, taking up the task of becoming a bitter malevolent ruler of our problematic planet, Speaking for myself, I would welcome being resigned to a future of becoming one of the detestable humans that you’d bitterly lord over. I don’t want to influence you in any way, but just look at last nights Republican debate, and you can’t help but feel compelled to step in and take over the world, if only to save us from such a pitiful group. Just saying, “Help us Obe-Bitter Ben-Kenobi, you’re are only hope!”: 😀

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  17. I think I speak for all my fellow kale lovers when I say that we are relieved you have relinquished your world leadership dreams. Destroying the kale plantations might result in a rebellious siege. ⚔

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