I’m gonna let you in on a little secret about me. Listen closely now. Ready? I have a little trouble with authority. Ever since I was young. Close your mouth from the shock. Take you finger out of the light socket. You don’t want to get shocked a second time. Remove your tongue from the 9 volt battery. You don’t want to get shocked a third time. Take off the metal suit during the thunderstorm…you get the point, I think.
So the authority thing. I’m not a fan of bosses, presidents, CEO’s, CFO’s, supervisor’s, Bus Transit Authorities, principals, policemen or even the Lords of Leaping or The Lord of the 5 Golden Rings, lording their authority over me. Imagine my bitterness, when the last few weeks, when I’ve had the pleasure of dropping my child off to school while I get to stay home and do nothing, one such authority has been taking me to school. Or at least trying to humiliate me in front of it.
This authority figure runs the streets, or at least the crossing of them. Yes, the head of crossing guards had the gall to take me to task. Of course, I probably deserved it being such a rebellious rule breaker that I am.
The first time, I violated the all important No Running on the sidewalk rule, which I of course read in the student manual when my kids first starting going there. Of course I’m joking when I say I would read a manual. I know there is a strict no running policy when it comes to swimming pool areas or me running any kind of marathon or .5 k, but on the sidewalks of school? I think you need to check yourself before bottleneck yourself, Chief Commander of Crossing. I promise I won’t sue the school, if I accidentally step on a crack that break’s my mom’s back.
I hold a grudges longer than a semi-truck convoy across the U.S., but I figured I wouldn’t have the displeasure of running into this piece of bitter authoritarian pie again. As usual, I was wrong.
I again to forgot to read the manual in subsection bull crap on page I don’t care, so I again got called on the carpet for violating the all important rule of NOT WALKING ON THE GRASS. I kind of think that people get a little too bent out of shape when anyone walks on any grass. I mean do they realize how lucky they are to even any grass at all for me to walk on? Most of New York, and a majority of people around the world don’t even have grass. They should be honored that I chose to walk across their grass. I’m so sorry that I walked on something that gets mowed to shreds by a lawn mower, but if someone places their precious shoe upon the grass, people come unhinged.
But the school safety patrol, yelling it up to a bitter dude that just wants to get his kid home so he can get back to being lazy again? Now I have to listen to this woman whose parents didn’t give her enough grass clippings as a child? Or who didn’t get the stop sign she wanted for Christmas as a child? Now she has to take out all her bitter safety rage on me?
I’ll get my revenge though, like I always do. Right before the holidays are out, I’m going to walk on the grass while running and then I will peel out at 16 miles an hour and not use my turn signal. And as I do it, I will smile and wave my GO sign as I do. Learn not to mess with me Safety lady, and any other authority figure for that matter.
ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Safety Bitter
Oh yes, it feels so good to thumb your bitter nose to show your displeasure! Great read.
LikeLike
Someday I will get my revenge on her. She will wish she never tried to tell me what to do.
LikeLike
You have trouble with authority? I have to say I am shocked hearing this. Utterly shocked!!!
LikeLike
I know right? How would you have ever known I had trouble with authority if I hadn’t told you?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Unstable Friday Giftures | Ben's Bitter Blog
Better sorry than safe … how else will you know where danger lies?
LikeLike
I prefer to step in it myself, than to have an authority figure warn me about it. You know, I need to trip to know that something isn’t safe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😂😂😂😂😂 brilliant!
LikeLike
If only the Safety Patrol was a little more brilliant.
LikeLike
Do you know that it isn’t, like, attack grass? The rule might be there to keep you from stirring up a conflict the lawn will win.
LikeLike
Perhaps it is to keep me safe for the enchanted lawn that grows instantly and traps us…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wear a crossing guard uniform while running on the grass. That’ll stump them!
LikeLike
Maybe that will be my Halloween costume next year. I might actually look forward to picking my son up then.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Don’t cross a crossing guard – they mean business ☺️
LikeLike
But on the other hand, don’t make a bitterman bitter, or he might write a post about you.
LikeLiked by 1 person
But weren’t you at least happy to meet another soul who was so bathed in bitterness? Oh dear, I guess that’s looking on the bright side. Sorry about that.
LikeLike
But she was bitter towards me, so that made me bitter.
LikeLike
I thought you were going to say, “So I bit ‘er.”
LikeLike
I totally blew that one didn’t I? How can a pun master look past that one?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some people are placed with too much power, and it must come to a stop.
LikeLike
With great power comes great responsibility. Though she didn’t have the ability to swing from webs throughout NYC or crawl up walls, so she didn’t have that much power.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, what’s up with crossing guards? It’s like every single one of them is their own unique brand of cuckoo. I think it’s a prerequisite of the job. In fact, if almost believe this story but, you running? Yeah right,
LikeLike
She was the kind of cuckoo that was more concerned about my breaking the rules than keeping people safe.
LikeLike
Control freak.
LikeLike
Nope just concerned about children’s safety. Weirdo.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bahahaha! This cracked me up. How many times have I wanted to scream at a hall monitor or a safety officer and say, “Seriously Lady? I’m a bloody adult!” Where my hall pass? Do you really want to know where I think it is?
LikeLike
She is definitely power tripping. I mean I walk on my own grass all the time. She said it was unsafe especially since I was with my kid at the time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I too have trouble with authority. It’s the reason I could never be my own boss. lol 😉
LikeLike
Yeah, I would pretty much be the bitterest employee if I was ever my own boss.
LikeLiked by 1 person