Sometimes life just sucks and you need to get away. It could be that you walked outside at 4:50 and it was dark and you ran into the invisible nightmare called a Spiderman’s web. Or your engine light might go on again for you tire being flat. Or you might have grabbed 13 items at the grocery store, and the express line only allowed for 12. It’s the little things that make you bitter.
You might want to fly away to Hawaii everytime something sucks, but you can’t. For me, the escape is video games. Whenever I feel like I want to punch someone IRL (like someone that would say IRL to me), I go and play Punch Out. If life give me lemons, I go squeeze a trigger in Borderlands.
I love video games because they allow me to escape the miserably bitter existence that life can be. My life isn’t interesting. I go to work, I go home, I go to scouts, I go to sleep. Sometimes I take naps. And when I get time, I play video games. If my life weren’t so boring, they would be make video games about me.
Actually, that might be a good idea. They should make a video game about me. How about this for a game? Your goal is to rise to the ranks of a disenfranchised employee. When you first boot up the game, you are a college graduate full of purpose and enthusiasm. In the first cut scenes, you are repeatedly pummeled in the face with Bureaucracy Bots, sliced down by Meetings Minions, and overwhelmed with Small Talk Tanks and beat down Busy Work Borgs. By the time you take control of your character, you are beat down employee.
You can of course choose any number of bitter employee types. You can design his or her face, all their characteristics, and design how bitter they are with Bitter Points. You may want to be a nicer bitter type, but that will cause you to be less powerful. You may want to be a stealth ninja introvert bitter person by sneaking through the day being without hardly being noticed at all, or be loud mouthed Bitter Jerk the slices through Bureaucracy Bots left and right, and punching HR Policies in face.
Any way you choose your Bitterness, you have specific missions. Every day at your break time, the Leaches, (better known as co-workers) make their way toward your desk. They are trying to cause your worst nightmare. Give you more work to do that isn’t yours. They will stop at nothing to prevent you from getting to your break. How do you handle it? Do you pummel them? Do you run? Do you use your stealth ninja skills to avoid them at all costs?
The action ramps up even higher when lunch time comes around. Not only are you fighting off co-workers in your department, but customers are calling to ask you to do impossible tasks, other departments are sending you emails that are marked urgent, and co-workers claim they are “getting sick” and need you to take over their work for them.
You must fight back. Your bitterness IS your weapon. As you gain “experience” by working at your job for a long time, your boredom becomes a powerful board. Your growing defensive mechanisms become gradually more powerful forcefields, and your zoning out at work becomes your “imaginational magic casting skills”. Eventually grown hidden secondary skills are things like eye rolls, subtle sighs.
Find alternate paths to the break room. You might find a map in the bathroom that gives your directions to a hidden unused bathroom, or find new magical items that can help you avoid your pesky co-workers, the Bad of Breath, or the Cough of Hacking. Discover hidden power ups, like Leftover Halloween Candy that was accidentally knocked under the table cloth in the party room, or extra loot in your lower drawer that no one knew about.
Find hidden walls or doors, that lead to executive offices or downstairs closets full of treasures. Co-workers will stop at nothing to cause you more work. Your goal is avoid work at all costs. In fact, there is nothing that you should work harder at than avoiding work. All your work avoidance skills will be put to the test as you face off in amazingly Epic Boss Battles.
Face off against Supervisor in Boring Meeting, Accounting Supervisor in Audit, and VP in Brainstorming Session. It will all come to a Final Boss Battle in Employee Evaluation. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hid, not sidekicks to count on. Just your wit, your Ninja Skills of Changing the Subject, Bus Throwing, and Blackmail.
Get ready for some action packed bitterness coming to the PlayBitter, the Xbitterness, and Nintendtofail in Early Spring 2016.
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Buy My Game Ben
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I tried playing this, but all my character would do is go to the computer and play this game, and it set off an infinite recursion.
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We’ll call your game Josephception. Though if I was ever stuck in and Inception, that would be my least favorite place to be stuck. At work.
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I love it! I would definitely buy your bitter corporate game! By the way, thank you for checking out my latest blog post. I appreciate the support!
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It wouldn’t have Call of Duty like sales, but it would be a game people that work in an office could relate to.
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What about the Bitter Bobs? Are there five bosses all named Bob who complain about the bitter TPS cover sheets?
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I was just going by my work environment, but yeah, I guess you could incorporate bosses from Office Space, and why not the Office?
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Ah! See every place I ever works had Bobs and some version of TPS reports.
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That’s true. I don’t work with accounting much, but when I do there is a version of TPS reports that we all deal with. “Watch out they are trying to make you fill out TPS reports. Runn!”
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You know people would buy it (to play at work). Do it! hahaha
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I guess I would have to get my team to convert it to a computer game so people could play it at work.
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Wait…you go to scouts??
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I am a Scout leader. Glad that is what you got from all that. Instead of fascinating hot mess that will be Bitter Ben’s Video Game.
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A scout leader? Bitter Ben, a scout leader?? Do tell!!
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I got called to do it at my church. Totally not my idea of fun, but you know me. Can never turn down and opportunity to be bitter about one more thing. I did get my eagle too, which I assume your sons are working on too.
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I only have one son. My other son is a girl. I think the only eagle they have is an Eagle of Death Metal (which is a band, by the way).
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There may be a merit badge for Heavy Metal. I’ll have to check. And Sorry about your second son that is a girl. She will have to join girl scouts.
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Right, I could picture the heavy metal boy scouts with spiked leather badges.
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That would be such a great mashup. I’ll get with the scout office and see if a heavy metal troop can be created.
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Wow. My head is spinning. I don’t know much about video games, but this one sounds like a winner!
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Well good. I’m hoping you purchase it in early 2016. It will probably end up being a free app someday too.
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Could there be a Bored Game too? 😉
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My whole life is a boring game, I mean bored game.
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I’m not big on video games but I’d play your game.
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Not everyone is a big video game fan, but this could be a board game too. Or just and app that you play while waiting at the dentist office.
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I’d totally be down with a board game!
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Well this thing is going worldwide, so a board game is just the start.
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This is AWESOME. So many nights, I’ve gone home and murdered everything in sight on Borderlands 2. But it’s hard to make it to close of business sometimes. I’m totally gonna employ some of your tactics for gamifying my workday! 😀
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Love Borderlands 2. I have the Handsome Jack edition that has both the BL2 and The Prequel and they are my go to for getting some bitter rage out.
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Ahh, now I’m jonesing for an all-nighter. I never did get the prequel, but it looks like a blast! Handsome Jack is one of the best villains ever.
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It is a little different and takes a little getting used to (with the zero gravity), but I love it just as much as BL2. Since I’m off work this week, I will be playing quite a bit.
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Jealous! Maybe I can fake a case of skull shivers or something, get some time off. 😉
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Whatever it takes. Borderlands is worth faking illness for.
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I remember playing Silent Hill when I was little. That game freaked me out!
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Wow, that was pretty bold of you to play that game when you were younger. My favorite scary game is Resident Evil 4. I don’t normally do scary games, but the Bitter Ben game sure would have my heart beating.
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My Stepdad owned the game but as soon as those zombie nurses appeared, I was out. Hell no.
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Yeah, I’ve heard of the nurses. I never really played them, but have heard a lot about them.
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