Bitter Ben’s Video Game

/ bensbitterblog
You can't always jump a plane to Hawaii, can you?

You can’t always jump a plane to Hawaii, can you?

Sometimes life just sucks and you need to get away.  It could be that you walked outside at 4:50 and it was dark and you ran into the invisible nightmare called a Spiderman’s web.  Or your engine light might go on again for you tire being flat.  Or you might have grabbed 13 items at the grocery store, and the express line only allowed for 12.  It’s the little things that make you bitter.

You might want to fly away to Hawaii everytime something sucks, but you can’t.  For me, the escape is video games.  Whenever I feel like I want to punch someone IRL (like someone that would say IRL to me), I go and play Punch Out.  If life give me lemons, I go squeeze a trigger in Borderlands.

The only reason I run too.

The only reason I run too.

I love video games because they allow me to escape the miserably bitter existence that life can be. My life isn’t interesting.  I go to work, I go home, I go to scouts, I go to sleep.  Sometimes I take naps.  And when I get time, I play video games. If my life weren’t so boring, they would be make video games about me.

"You gotta reach for your goals so you can fail miserably."

“You gotta reach for your goals so you can fail miserably.”

Actually, that might be a good idea.  They should make a video game about me.  How about this for a game? Your goal is to rise to the ranks of a disenfranchised employee.  When you first boot up the game, you are a college graduate full of purpose and enthusiasm.  In the first cut scenes, you are repeatedly pummeled in the face with Bureaucracy Bots, sliced down by Meetings Minions, and overwhelmed with Small Talk Tanks and beat down Busy Work Borgs.  By the time you take control of your character, you are beat down employee.

Welcome to Ben's Bitter

Welcome to Ben’s Bitter Disenfranchisement.

You can of course choose any number of bitter employee types.  You can design his or her face, all their characteristics, and design how bitter they are with Bitter Points.  You may want to be a nicer bitter type, but that will cause you to be less powerful.  You may want to be a stealth ninja introvert bitter person by sneaking through the day being without hardly being noticed at all, or be loud mouthed Bitter Jerk the slices through Bureaucracy Bots left and right, and punching HR Policies in face.

Any way you choose your Bitterness, you have specific missions. Every day at your break time, the Leaches, (better known as co-workers) make their way toward your desk.  They are trying to cause your worst nightmare.  Give you more work to do that isn’t yours.  They will stop at nothing to prevent you from getting to your break.  How do you handle it? Do you pummel them? Do you run? Do you use your stealth ninja skills to avoid them at all costs?

The action ramps up even higher when lunch time comes around.  Not only are you fighting off co-workers in your department, but customers are calling to ask you to do impossible tasks, other departments are sending you emails that are marked urgent, and co-workers claim they are “getting sick” and need you to take over their work for them.

In the Game of Bitterness, you must use all the weapons you can find.

In the Game of Bitterness, you must use all the weapons you can find.

You must fight back.  Your bitterness IS your weapon.  As you gain “experience” by working at your job for a long time, your boredom becomes a powerful board.  Your growing defensive mechanisms become gradually more powerful forcefields, and your zoning out at work becomes your “imaginational magic casting skills”.  Eventually grown hidden secondary skills are things like eye rolls, subtle sighs.

Find alternate paths to the break room.  You might find a map in the bathroom that gives your directions to a hidden unused bathroom, or find new magical items that can help you avoid your pesky co-workers, the Bad of Breath, or the Cough of Hacking.  Discover hidden power ups, like Leftover Halloween Candy that was accidentally knocked under the table cloth in the party room, or extra loot in your lower drawer that no one knew about.

Find hidden shortcuts.

Find hidden shortcuts.

Find hidden walls or doors, that lead to executive offices or downstairs closets full of treasures.  Co-workers will stop at nothing to cause you more work.  Your goal is avoid work at all costs.  In fact, there is nothing that you should work harder at than avoiding work.  All your work avoidance skills will be put to the test as you face off in amazingly Epic Boss Battles.

Face off against Supervisor in Boring Meeting, Accounting Supervisor in Audit, and VP in Brainstorming Session.  It will all come to a Final Boss Battle in Employee Evaluation. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to hid, not sidekicks to count on.  Just your wit, your Ninja Skills of Changing the Subject, Bus Throwing, and Blackmail.

Face off against the Ultimate Boss Battle...Your Annual Review.

Face off against the Ultimate Boss Battle…Your Annual Review.

Get ready for some action packed bitterness coming to the PlayBitter, the Xbitterness, and Nintendtofail in Early Spring 2016.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Buy My Game Ben

37 thoughts on “Bitter Ben’s Video Game”

  1. Pingback: Thank You for the Weekend of Virtual Insanity (aka Here’s Your Shitton of Links) |

  10. This is AWESOME. So many nights, I’ve gone home and murdered everything in sight on Borderlands 2. But it’s hard to make it to close of business sometimes. I’m totally gonna employ some of your tactics for gamifying my workday! 😀

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