The Bitter Offensiveness of Cheetos

/ bensbitterblog
Up when the post is well thought out and has good grammar, down when it was thrown together this morning.

Up when the post is well thought out and has good grammar, down when it was thrown together this morning.

I don’t know about my other fellow bloggers, but I’ve noticed several things over the 3 1/2 years of doing posts on 4-5 post a week clip.  One of the biggest takeaways I’ve had is that you never know which posts will do well and which ones will fail.  In fact, it seems like the ones I predicted people would love are the ones that fail the most spectacularly and the ones I thought sucked, do really well.

Another thing I notice is that sometimes the post will do well not because of the spectacular writing skills, but the subject.

The third thing I notice is that the comments don’t always skew toward what I thought people would talk about.  Case in point, my last post about Introverts vs. Extroverts.  It was a simple, rushed together post that I was just trying to get done before I had to work on something else.  It is a fascinating subject to me, and one that I would have loved to delve into way more, but really didn’t have the time or energy to.

The post didn’t exactly go viral, but it inspired more comments than the average post.  A few of them leaned toward the extrovert vs. introvert debate, but most of them came from what I thought was a throwaway line in the intro.

The line: “Some claim there are weirdo’s called ambiverts (a combination of both), but then again, some people claim there is such a thing as unicorns, dragons and people that don’t like Cheetos.”

That one line cause more comments than anything about the Introverts vs. Extroverts debate.

I had a few comments about ambiverts and a couple about unicorns, but the one that I thought was the slam dunk part of that line was that I thought absolutely no one out there didn’t like Cheetos.  Boy was I wrong (for the first time ever). Four separate commenters said they not only didn’t like Cheetos, but they “hated” them.

Must

Just like the flaming hot hatred some people have for Cheetos.

So I had to know.  What did Cheetos do to offend these people so? These are my guesses:

People don’t like Chester Cheetah.  What is not to like about an adorable old man looking Cheetah that doesn’t really run fast, isn’t much of a cheetah, and wears sunglasses indoor like they used to in the 80’s? So, he’s kind of a punk that encourages bad behavior like bribing a concierge with the magical 4th piece of the medley of cheesy flavors Chipotle Cheddar, Salsa Picante, Jalepeno Cheddar and Cheddar so he will get fired by allowing them to swim in the pool?  How could he be considered offensive at all?

He doesn't have an easy life.

He doesn’t have an easy life.

It’s that leftover cheese dust isn’t it? Let’s be honest.  Value as a commodity is way overrated.  When you pay for something, you want it to just be the one thing you paid for and nothing extra, right? Who needs things like BOGO or Buy one get on free? Why would I want to eat a whole bag of Cheetos, then want some leftover dust on my fingers to be added to the whole packaging? That’s like buying something for $19.50, paying with a $20 and expecting change back.  Seriously, man get your extra cheese dust away from me.

Such a bad value.

Such a bad value.

Is it the offensive orange color? There is an excessive amount of colors in this world.  Not only do we have primary colors, but all kinds of different shades of them too.  It’s time to cut back.  I say we stick with 7. Red, blue, green, yellow, purple, black and white.  Who needs orange on the spectrum? I mean Red and Yellow shouldn’t have to be forced to intermingle ever.  Red is for stopping, and Yellow is for caution.  If we mixed them together we would get stop with caution, and there are way too many mixed signals there.  Traffic would be chaos.  Also, one of them is from Mars and one is from Venus, so they should never combine to make a baby color like orange right? That’s just gross.  And Halloween needs to stop using orange because it seems to similar to fall.  And fall should be banned from using orange because it clashes with all the other fall colors.

Quit infecting fall, orange. You are just gross and clashy.

Quit infecting fall, orange. You are just gross and clashy.

Maybe it’s because people hate cheese. Cheese is just the worst.  I mean really.  Gross.  It is like milk that is like curdled right? And cheese doesn’t go well with anything.  Not with pizza, or burgers or pasta or even eating alone.  It especially doesn’t mix well with a crunchy bunch of air.

Pizza is so much better without cheese.

Pizza is so just so much better without cheese.

Is it that people don’t like that it has lots of calories? If something has a lot of calories, you know it is gross, right? Chocolate is gross, ice cream is gross, candy at Halloween is gross, pizza is gross. It’s the super healthy foods that are really good for us that is the most succulent.  Ever have some of that so tasty kale for an afternoon snack? How about a bitter tasting rhubarb when you just need something to junk out on? How about a big crunchy bit of an onion to sweeten up your day? Nothing like a nice juicy handful of kidney beans when you are having a Netflix binging marathon?

Ice cream is so gross because it has a lot of calories.

Ice cream is so gross because it has a lot of calories.

It must be that Cheetos don’t go with a certain flavor of drink. It just doesn’t seem to blend with that Chateau Fiji Water of 2013, or that Diet Pepsi Max Vintage 2014.  And it definitely doesn’t blend well with the tarty and meaty flavor of Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry of 2015.  On the other hand, have you mixed a very healthy apple with some Cherry Limeade 2013? The flavor only makes you pucker up so very little.

Cheetos don't even go with a vintage Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry.

Cheetos don’t even go with a vintage 2013 Gatorade Frost Glacier Cherry.

I’ve learned so much today.  If it wasn’t for the completely random statement I made in my post two days ago, I never would have found out how offensive Cheetos were to the general population.  I am so very thankful to my commenters for bringing the offensiveness of Cheetos to my attention.  I am glad that I was able to do the research about Cheetos and why they are so offensive to the palate. Speaking of which, I’m hungry for breakfast. Cheetos anyone?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Cheesy Ben

 

 

 

85 thoughts on “The Bitter Offensiveness of Cheetos”

  3. I am shocked and appalled that there are people in this world who don’t like Cheetos. World shattered. This is why I’m an introvert. I don’t want to know the truth about people. I prefer to live in my own little world where I can feed Cheetos to my Unicorn and the fifth dentist also recommends Trident.

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  4. LOL, your posts are seriously hilarious! I will admit to having gotten probably 30% of my calories as a child from Cheetos so I actually am literally largely made of Cheetos. Also I named one of my dogs Cheetoz (with a Z because that was so cool when I was 13…) That all being said I really don’t like Chester Cheetah, he just thinks he’s way too cool and I just want to punch him in the face.

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  5. I am in love with old Chester! He’s such a naughty ole cheetah how can one not love him? I also love it when my finger’s turn yellow and sticky cause that’s some good flavor right there! Even IF a person looks a wee bit too old to be sucking on their didgits..

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      • I couldn’t live in a world without all thing’s cheese starting with my cheesy self, that cheap gnarly drippy nacho cheese from 7-11 to the huge white piece of cheese up in the night sky. The one that people call the moon because they are lacking knowledge and brains for something that is very obvious. If people could only give cheese the r.e.s.p.c.e.t. it deserves it would change the world for the better including world peace. It’s all about the cheese…
        (And thanks Ben. Now I won’t rest until I take a walk to the store for a huge bag of Cheeto’s!! I need some eye candy today too so I simply must spend some time with Chester!) ;D

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  6. CHEETOOOOS! I have Cheeto passions. I enjoy all kinds of Cheetos but mainly, I like the cheesy puffs. I agree about the color, though. I am not a fan of orange unless it’s pumpkin and then I understand because they can’t help themselves.

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  7. The luminosity and the flavour are what I hate – same reason I’m not a Doritos fan. Healthiness be damned, there are loads of tasty crisps out there! I like the cheetah, great introduction to him. He reminds me of Tony the Tiger from Frosties, I wonder if they play golf together

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    • The flavor is what I like about them. But, I guess some people like onions and shrimp and I don’t. People will never agree on the same thing taste wise. Lesson learned. I think even if all people love pizza, everyone loves different toppings on it.

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  12. For me, it’s mostly the kids with the cheeto dust fingers, although that umbrellas out to Dorito fingers as well. I had to watch kids at a Halloween party once, and there were cheeto fingers EVERYWHERE. Don’t get me wrong, I love Cheetos, but cheeto fingers? NO.

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  13. Lol, so funny. Cheetos are under-represented on the food pyramid. Clearly. They have so much more to offer than I ever realized. Then again, I don’t like bacon. I know, I know, there is something seriously wrong with me. I may need institutionalization.

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  14. First off, I personally love cheetos. I love the puffy kind the best though, not the crunchy. And I don’t like the red ones. And they go best with regular old coke and snickers bars. Damn it, now I’m hungry!! Thanks a lot for spoiling my diet!! ha ha

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    • Okay, so now we have a vote for Puffy kind. This discussion of Cheetos just keeps getting more interesting. I had no idea it would go this way. So no crunchy ones? That begs the question, do you like Crunchy or Creamy Peanut Butter? How about the Crunch Bar vs. Hershey Bar? Or is the the crunchy only an issue for Cheetos?

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  15. Just got back from an American road trip… I will not lie. At every rest stop, I bought a bag of cheetos. Not a big bag, just one big enough to get me to the next “comfort break.” Now I look like I’m wearing fake tan that didn’t cost me a dime. And also like I’m wearing a swimming that used to be my waistline. More to love, right? 😀
    I fail to see a downside to Cheetos.
    xx cheesy, orange, bloated Mother Hen

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  16. Cheetos are among the worst things God ever created…and then Chester came along. What an appropriate mascot for such a hideous, horrible product (we’ll abstain from calling it a food product). Pieces of dust…and dusted in a coloring material containing Heaven knows what but none of which is probably on the Table of Elements. But I do love me some real, all-American Cheese. Let’s make a distinction here. It’s an insult to Cheese everywhere to have Cheetos in the same sentence…darn, I just did that…

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    • Let me first make a distinction that I mean the crunchy kind and not the puffy kind. I think you and my dad agree. He also hates the kind of cheese I eat. I am what I like to call and open minded cheese eater. In that I eat all cheese.

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  18. Cheetos and Diet Coke was my personal breakfast of champions during graduate school. Okay….it wasn’t always Cheetos. Twinkies, Doritos – there wasn’t much I wouldn’t eat back in college. And yes, they did stain my fingers but the way I saw it, I was saving a little something for later.

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  19. It’s only the cheetos puffs that are completely and totally disgusting – they’re nothing but cheetos dust. Crunchy cheetos are the only cheetos that should exist. And their dust is easy to shake off.

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  21. I just wanted to apologize for your sporatic reading numbers. I wrote in the stalls of your bathroom at work for people to not read the really great posts so that it would fuel your bitterness. You’re bitter welcome. (I’ve been a blog slacker so I apologize for missing out on any brilliant blog posts- my bad, again.) 😉

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    • It’s not the people at work that I’m worried about. In fact, I hope they don’t read them because I mostly write mean stuff about them. But I’m glad at least you have made your way back here. Now my stats have a 100% boost.

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  22. Okay, I don’t like Cheetos and I never eat them, but you are wrong on all counts. Now you have something to make you even more bitter.
    Chester Cheetah is a cool cat. The 80s were the best years! Now, I love cheese puffs and the left over dust is a reward to be savored. Come on, who doesn’t like to lick their fingers? Orange is a beautiful color. I have a room painted orange. Orange is important for safety cones and safety jackets. Cheese is delicious but truthfully I wouldn’t call that real cheese. Calories? Who thinks about calories when eating fake food? Beverages? I can’t think of anything that doesn’t taste good with wine. Now, I think you must understand the real reason Cheetos are gross. They are dense. They have no melt in your mouth quality. What is missing is the air. Cheese puffs are much better.

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