I don’t know if you’ve noticed in the last few years or so, but the weather has been a little bitter. You know what I’m saying. The east coast has been buried in snow the last few years, the midwest has been underwater more than the mortgages in 2008, and even the South, who hasn’t seen snow in decades got a few “snowstorms” last year. California has been droughting, eastern Washington has been burning and Western Washington has been plagued with this new weather phenomenon called Sun Days (not to be confused with Sundays). The rest of the world is probably getting weird weather too, but I’m too shallow(like the deep end in a Californian pool) to do research for that.
Some weirdo that claimed he invented the internet and won an election by claiming he got more “popular” votes is probably explaining away this problem by calling it Global Warming and will probably do some documentary that some people will watch when they run out of good and mediocre movies to watch. Others might claim that God is calling down plagues of weather on us like he called plagues on the Egyptians in Moses’ time. Those theories could be right, but I’m clinging to a much more interesting and much less researched, but true theory. Aliens are hungry and they just want to eat us.
Somewhere in space, some rather giant, and very hungry aliens eat planets for meals. They’ve eaten the whole Pizza Buffet universe, are tired of eating from the refrigerator of the Leftover universe, and the Cheese Universe is giving them such bad star gases that too many stars are getting sucked up into Black Holes if you know what I mean.
They finally discovered our universe, and decided to check it out. They saw it only had 9 planets and were intrigued. They saw Pluto first and saw it was too cold, so they decided to leave it out there freezing for dessert. They looked at Venus next and it had a toxic flavor like onions and they had too many greenhouse effects, which made it taste like salad or Kale. Since they were so used to the Pizza Buffet Universe, even if they drowned Venus in Ranch Dressing, they could barely tolerate the dirt taste of Venus.
They tried Uranus, but there was too much gas there, and far too many moons. Mars was too red and messy and only had a bunch of leftover rovers, Jupiter was kind of stupider, Neptune didn’t have Nep Tunes, or Itunes, Saturn was always trying to put a ring on it, and Mercury was hot, but didn’t have much depth.
Then they saw this Green and Blue Planet. Not too hot, not too cold, and it had some land, and some water, and a variety of different tastes. All kinds of things were moving on it. They were hungry, but patient because this planet needed a little mixing up. So they stirred up the oceans, (causing hurricanes), they grabbed some salt from the Dead Sea and put it in the Great Salt Lake, heated up California so they could get some dried up grapes(and some fermented ones too), and froze the east coast for some ice, and accidentally put a little too much water in the Midwest. So they took some desert from Arizona and moved it to the Midwest, got some eggs by scaring the chickens with lightening, and made a milkshake by mixing up the cows with some Midwest tornadoes.
They grabbed some leafy greens from the Northwest Trees, started a forest fire so they could roast some marshmallows and chestnuts over the open fire, and stuck some brownies in the Arizona ovens. From Hawaii, they got some Barbecue sauce from the active volcanoes, mushed some sugar cane and crushed a few pineapple fields for some sweet flavoring. They sprinkle in some hail and then turn on the overhead fan, which causes some high winds.
The last ingredient will be us. So just to help out the aliens, make sure you take a shower so you aren’t extra gamey and try to be bald if you can. They don’t like hair in their food any more than you do. And you can be sweet if you want, because I’ve got the bitter taste on lock.
See you soon, fellow alien ingredients!
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH
Bitter to the Taste Alien Food Ben
Great post! I think you’re right. I never put it all together until now. Thank you for opening my eyes! 😉
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Well, now you know and knowing is half the battle!
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🙂
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Makes sense to me! ; )
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Something had to explain this. And global warming? Doesn’t even make sense.
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awesome. loved every word.
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It’s pretty clear the aliens took over my brain for this post. Why the wanted to let everyone know about their nefarious plans is anyone’s guess.
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As delightful–and bitter–your blog is, the responses are great!
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Yeah, there are some clever commentors out there. They are the ones that give me such great ideas and reasons to be bitter!
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lol, awesome. I never realized it was aliens, but it makes total sense! I have to say the weather here in Port Townsend has been pretty awesome- so whatever they are planning they might set up their base here…
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Is that Port Townsend, WA? I’m over in Renton. The weather has been good, which is why I’m so suspicious. When it has been more sunny here than in Florida, I start thinking there is definitely some sort of shift that we aren’t used to and it needed to be explained.
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Yep I’m in Port Townsend WA, at least for the next month! The weather here is like eerily perfect- like in that way that you know something terrible is going to happen soon. Or maybe that’s just from watching too many horror and disaster movies… But I’m feeling like we’re due for a tornadoquakedragonvolcanofirestormalienattack any day now.
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I agree. It is the “calm before the storm” clique. When the weather comes, make sure you film it, so you might be in the next Sharknado movie.
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I hope someone tells them that we are high in fat and cholesterol! I’d hate to learn that food poisoning and a bad diet were responsible for wiping out an alien race.
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It would be kind of funny for a super smart and giant race of aliens to be able to be all powerful and encompassing and somehow underestimate our human ability to be such bad eaters that we caused them to be wiped out by food poisoning. Never underestimate humans!
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Very true!
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This is genius. “Saturn was always trying to put a ring on it” lolololol UH-mazing. Also we have more in common with aliens than I thought–we’re always hungry.
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What is funny about that, is that someone commented that I was the alien. And it was actually a good point. Except maybe you were one of the aliens too. I mean, eating the entire universe of Pizza Buffet? Wouldn’t that just be us?
And by the way, I’m glad you saw that the planet part. It was my favorite part too.
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Hahah! I missed that comment–but yes, that is us.
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I didn’t even know that I was writing about myself until the pointed it out to me. It’s a good thing I have such smart commentators or I would miss a ton of things…except the pizza buffet.
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We will never miss the pizza buffet.
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Let’s hope it never gets taken from us.
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I hope the aliens are enjoying their fermented grapes. I’m sure they’re mixing it up with a bunch of rocks! I have a new perspective on Mars vs. Venus. Thanks so much, Ben.
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Well, you know. Mars is a unwell kept planet with lots of debris and rovers left all over so you can imagine which planet is modeled after me.
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That goalie was horrible…an alien would have stopped that ball. And then ate it.
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He probably should have taken the wind into account when kicking it. Like perhaps, kicking it a little lower. Just sayin.
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This makes so much sense. Pizza Buffet Universe sounds like a lovely place. I would have loved to visit.
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Yeah. I think we should kill the aliens for that reason only. And now they are trying to take the last Pizza Buffet in our universe? Back off, dudes.
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It’s funny how people in CA are freaking out over El Nino. I understand it can get pretty bad but people freak out over an inch of rain out here. I won’t freak out until I see my car floating down the street.
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Which is funny because a couple months ago, they were complaining about the drought. Can they make up their minds? Of course not, they are actors and actresses. You and I know what real weather is like.
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I hope they choke on my beard! The north west summer was terrible!
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You know, that is a great idea! Let’s grow our beards out! Since their weakness is hair, they will never be able to eat us when we have too much hair!
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How lean should the meat be? Like should I give up on going to the gym or hit it extra hard? Asking for the aliens…
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Let’s just say they will be going after the pizza eating crowd like me first, so just depends on how much longer you want to avoid being eaten. 🙂
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It’s going to happen anyway right? Bring on the pizza!
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Exactly. And it seems like earth has the last remaining pizza buffet, so we might as well take advantage!
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Yea so I live in north western Indiana near Lake Michigan. We get what is referred to as “lake effect snow”. We are not however, affected by lake sun as we get a lot of overcast and cloudy days. . Off topic, yet, I felt like commenting..
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Our hungry and thirsty aliens that are about to eat us will love the drink with the “snow effect” ice in the drink that is Lake Michigan. And might I say in very poor taste, they will like it with a twist of lime?
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Possibly. they can have the Lyme Disease that came along with it… Maybe that will be of interest for their studies?
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I’m just glad you didn’t take offense to the lime/lyme bad pun I made. Cause it worked out kind of perfect. And yeah, the aliens can have the lyme disease. Perhaps they can understand some real pain.
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Lol- It’s totally okay. I have a sense of humor. You actually follow my other blog. I ventured over here after my diagnosis because I didn’t want people who know me “in real life” to know that I had it. Lol- I don’t like pitty parties. It isn’t my style. It’s the “Life Is An Adventure” blog … I think I was last whining about not going to Chicago for the Stanley Cup Parade. The Aliens probably got to go though.
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I’m grateful for people that have a sense of humor, cause if they didn’t this blog would be devoid of visitors. And as long time pun wielding swordsman, I can’t just let one go. And good on you for not throwing pity parties. I don’t like parties much at all because I’m an introvert. And whining about the little stuff is my specialty but only in print, not with verbal words.
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At least you’re not an invisible pun wielding invisible swordsman… Believe it or not, there’s a whole community out there who thrives on whining. If you like to whine, you might fit right in. Just make sure you whine a lot and do nothing to help yourself.
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Yes that is exactly what I do! I whine and then never do anything about it! By the way, I was just going through my list of people I follow (I have 227 blogs at last check) and I didn’t see yours. What is the link so I can see if I do…
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Oh, so that’s how you ended up here. I’m detecting a communist plot.
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How did you know it was me that was the alien? Was it because I already ate the Pizza Buffet universe?
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That was kind of a give away. Also, the antennas…
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Did you realize that I had visited Mars already because there were a bunch of rovers not put away and a bunch of pizza boxes that weren’t thrown away?
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Yes, that and the distinct smell of bitterness.
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It’s a very distinct smell. It smells a lot like the egg smell down at the nuclear power plant.
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Yes, very sulfuric.
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And nothing smells like a guy like that.
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Have we ever discussed the possibilities of bitter cologne?
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Isn’t it bitter that all these possibilities are out there for me to grab a bunch of money and I don’t do any of it? I just sit and complain about all the things I’m not making money on? And yeah, a bitter fragrance would go viral. In a bad way of course.
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There is a bitter orange cologne, but I think it might just small too good for you.
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Yeah, we don’t want something that might remotely make someone better. They need to have instant regret and bitterness the moment they put it on. And it needs to be a strong smell.
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You’re a marketing genius.
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Well, you know I did go to school for it. Look what it has got me. A bitter job and a bitter blog and a Bitter Entertainment Network. Seems like school was a great investment!
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Right, and I’m sure you are paid well for all those endeavors.
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I know right? I just do this customer service job cause I just love it so much!
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I know. You are a people person.
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And people just flock to me.
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Enigmatic is the word.
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I think positive happy people come to me to try to save me from my bitterness.
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I send them your way for comic relief.
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Well at least they are getting here somehow.
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