This week we had some sales reps for our company in town, some of whom we have never met, so lunches were arranged between different departments so we could meet each other. Meeting new people is the worst. Pretending to care about what someone says, doing the dreadful small talk that all introverts hate with a passion; the getting them to stop talking so you can cram your face with the only good thing about the meeting (the food). There is however one thing that is good about meeting new people. Imagining that this will be the last time you will ever say words to them. This has happened thousands of times in your life, right? You met someone at a party, or a meeting, or a company picnic and you had to shake hands and say hi. How many of those people have you ever seen again? About 5 percent right? So just think of it in bitter terms. You may never get to see that person again! So really, it’s more like Good Bye stranger! I will never see you again, sucker! Speaking of meeting new people, let me introduce make some introductions to some Bitter Friday Giftures that you will hopefully never have to see again…
Let’s get started by introducing this young lady…
…to the floor.
Mewicheal Jordan…
…meet jerky spy Ninja Mewicheal Jordan.
Hey eyeball…
…meet your new nemesis, the eyeglass temple.
Well I guess I don’t need to introduce bull and fighter…
…they’ve already made an instant connection.
And this guy and his motorcycle became such instant friends…
...that they broke up, and got back together again almost instantly.
Oh and everyone, this is death…
…you’ll only ever meet him once and honestly, he’s kind of a killjoy.
Here are some water balloons that are very eager…
…to meet all your faces.
Karma is going to be around mingling too…
…some will meet her instantly.
Some will find Karma…
…as an in your face kind of gal.
Others might find her…
…kind of watered down.
Others may find her…
…pretty destructive.
And don’t forget to meet this guy…
…though he will probably find you first.
Now that we’ve all met, and got all the stupid talk about weather and politics out of the way, we can disperse never having to torture ourselves again with this painfully awkward meeting. Go back to your homes and let us never speak of this again.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Introductions Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Omg yes yes yes, small talk is my NIGHTMARE. One of the reasons I love being outside the US- small talk with people in foreign countries is so much more bearable because you can interpret it as like a cultural thing. Also this post was hilarious. Love your blog.
LikeLike
Whoever invented small talk (and extrovert obviously) should be drawn and quartered. Keep your small talk to your people that care to listen to it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I detest those luncheon meetings. I overeat out of boredom and to avoid mundane small talk. Then I feel bloated and fatigued all afternoon.
LikeLike
Any meetings at anytime ever are the worst. I just spent my Saturday in a meeting and wanted to gouge my eyes out in the first few minutes. UGGGHHHH.
LikeLike
Anything in life worthwhile involves food. If the food is no good then I begin to quickly lose interest. That gifture with the balloons, though. I think that could go into my nightmare box. I do not like balloons. I do not want to get acquainted with them on that kind of personal level.
LikeLike
For me it was the Micheal Jordan as a kitty gifture. I do however know others that aren’t fond of balloons either so I get you on that one.
LikeLike
This plan probably only works because I live in Texas: I make sure that my introduction includes the phrases “I’m a Democrat” and “I vote”. Within seconds, I’m the only one left at the table and I get to sample everyone else’s entrees while they’re still warm. Double win.
LikeLike
Oh my gosh. It would work the opposite because I live in Washington. I just introduce myself as a “Republican” and I don’t want to legally smoke weed.
LikeLike
HySTERICAL!
LikeLike
It would much prefer to be at a party with cats than people, that is for sure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your gifs…My favorite part of Friday!
LikeLike
My favorite part of Friday is the pizza, but putting together the gifs is right up there. The guy falling down the escalator/stairs was my fav by far this time.
LikeLike
I have two defence methods for useless small talk. Make sure I’m eating something so it would be “rude” to talk or I fiddle with my pretend hearing aid. If those fail I will speak very slowly so ppl will think “idiot” and walk away from me.
Happy Friday wishes Ben. 🙂
LikeLike
Those are great. My number 1 is the Bitter Resting Face, but having bad breathe and terrible manners also help. I appreciate those tips too. I think going one step further with the earpiece and talking crap right in front of someone, then pretending you have a bluetooth in your ear is comedy gold.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh my…hahahaha!!!!! I am going to keep that idea of your’s for future useage.
(“So George told you he had hemroids?…Well no doubt!..I mean think about it! Does George EVER do anything of worth? Exactly. I think he should be more worried about those teeth of his. And those ear’s!!”) Giving George the gimlet eye head to toe while talking to fake/real Bluetooth..
(Ohh I am mean! lol!)
;D
LikeLike
Not even close to mean. George deserves it for talking to you when you were clearly on the phone. What is he a three year old kid that thinks it is okay to interrupt a phone call?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know! George technically needs an arse kicking for being so rude! I know I was taught Manner’s 101 (not that I remember much) and so was George. Instead of waisting his money on hemroid cream he needs to go back to Manner school. What a jerk! Like…oh, my, GOODNESS!
LikeLike
I was taught manners, but forgot most of them. But interrupting a phone call? That I love to do because I hate phones and people even more that like phones.
LikeLiked by 1 person
He he!! 😀
My favorite thing to do to before technology changed was if a survey, bill collection company, telemarketing company called was to answer the phone, turn on some death metal (or something) set the receiver down and walk away for an hour. Tied up that person’s phone line and as for tying up my own, who cared.. I miss those days…
LikeLike
Oh man that would be awesome. I like to fake a silence and then let them go…Hello? Are you there? and then after they have almost completed the survey hang up.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oohh!! That’s a good one!! I’ll be remembering to try that next time.
LikeLike
So many methods to cause others bitterness. I love it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
As do I, yes ma’am! (Or Sir in your case)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hate those extroverted sales types who ramble on incessantly about nothing. Who invented this small talk bullshit anyway? Can’t we just nod in acknowledgement of each other’s presence and go on our way?
LikeLike
Let’s just skip to the part where you have something in common with me or you don’t. I don’t care about the weather or politics or traffic or how your trip was.
LikeLike
Agreed. Small talk is the absolute worst.
LikeLike
Why must it exist? Didn’t someone animal in Bambi say, “If you don’t have something significantly important in common with me, don’t say nothing at all?”
LikeLike
I think subconsciously I have been using that “this will be the only time I’ll have to see you” strategy for awhile but haven’t realized it until this post. It certainly makes things easier for all concerned if you approach each other knowing it is a one-and-done situation. Hi. Bye.
LikeLike
I think most people think that way, they just haven’t realized it yet. That is what I’m here for.
LikeLike
That’s precisely why I just like to be rude and stuff my face with food and chew with my mouth open and often refuse to even talk to most people I meet. The only problem is that random occasion when someone sees you at the grocery store and says ‘Aren’t you that girl who…” Then, I usually just say no and walk away.
LikeLike
You mean people run into you at the grocery store and say aren’t you that blogger that I read and give glowing praise and reviews to? Yeah, that would be pretty annoying.
I just put on my grumpy, bitter annoying face, but some people don’t read verbal cues very well.
LikeLike
Well, that does happen to me all the time. I just don’t like to brag. I should probably take a cue from you and do grumpy and bitter too.
LikeLike
Why would you not want to brag? Bragging is the best way to become a celebrity. It what you guys do. Plus it has the added benefit of driving fans away.
LikeLike
Yes, well I am pretty great.
LikeLike
Thank bitterness we all know that.
LikeLike